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Thank Justin Timberlake, Not Me: May Horoscopes Are Here

Maybe thank Susan Miller, too

05.03.17
Horoscopes May 2017 Man Repeller Feature
Horoscopes
Horoscopes

Susan Miller, fire up that Astrology Zone and the Planets band, would you? We need to get Justin Timberlake’s attention. It’s not gonna be May, it is, babay. And these are your horoscopes for the month.

Taurus

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US, TAURUSES. That “happy’ isn’t just an empty well-wish this month, it’s a fact: Susan Miller opened up our sign by acknowledging that March and April felt like trekking through mud in two-size-too-large boots that do a crap job at being waterproof, then she said that May is going to bring a WORLD of a difference. “Happy days are here again” were her words, I believe. Which reminded me of this Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland duet:

Doesn’t get old, just like us.

In store for our month of celebrating the womb exit: We’ll be so creative others will pause all like, “Yo Mark Z face-swapped with Georgia O’Keeffe, that you?”

Zuck and Keeffe will laugh because face swap is always equal parts terrifying and hilarious, but so will we, because others were actually talking to us. WE were the creative ones.

On May 10 we’ll make some sort of pact with a partner. Raise your hands in the comments if you want to date me! (But remember that this could mean a business situation, too. Everyone needs a work wife. Plan your dresses together.) Also happening on this day: a burst of inspiration thanks to Neptune, whose job it is to help us shoot for the moon while grabbing at the stars while also “rising to a state where others’ needs can joyously be put ahead of [our] own, a sign of deep love and affection.” Sounds like we’re growing up, out and at ’em, my friends.

If someone asks to set you up on a blind date this month (a modern matchmaker perhaps?), say yes. If it’s not love, you just wait until June 6th. Ooh, baby, is this going to be your summer of fire. The good kind of fire. You know the drill: wear sunscreen and eat cake.

Gemini

Can we all agree that, so long as you were not in attendance nor supposed to be in attendance at Fyre Festival, your month is already going less badly than it could be? I know that I, personally, would hate to have my plans of Blink 182 on a beach get canceled. I saw them twice in my youth but found myself devastated that I missed them in New York last summer and I don’t think I could withstand another heartbreak, to be honest. Luckily, you don’t have to! Your month is going to be wonderful, pop-punk skate band of your youth or no.

“Mars, the energy planet, is now in Gemini for the first time in two years,” says Susan. “This is a sure sign you are feeling energetic, confident and ready to take on the world.” On May 10th, the new moon is in Gemini too, which means that every form of communication in your world will be crystal clear, both coming in and going out of your pie hole. CAN WE PLEASE take “pie hole” back from cranky grandparents who tell us to shut our pie holes and give it a nicer connotation? Pie is lovely.

Get your head out of the gutter or else I’ll start talking about Uranus.

Can you believe Leslie Price has to edit this?!

Wait until May 25th to launch your biggest initiations — and mark my words, like I’m a villain threatening you (but I’m not!): you will have billions of initiations. You’re an idea woman. You can buy electronics now, however, if you want. I know you’ve been holding off because of Mercury but that’s over now. Susan’s gonna wait until May 12th if you’re really concerned.

In terms of terms of romance, you’ve got some chocolate-covered days on May 13th and 14th, but your big moment will take place when the new moon is in Gemini on May 25th. “This is the one and only new moon in your own sign that will come by in 2017,” said my The One, “and it is meant to be your birthday gift from a loving universe. You can use it for anything you please…in any area you would like to see a boost.” Well quit fartin’ around, rocket man! Let her rip!

Cancer

Leandra has taken to wearable crustaceans lately because she’s kosher and can’t eat them. She’s been wearing these giant, dangling lobsters on her lobes and ten-feet-tall canvas platforms on her feet that have little crabs stitched all over, and she keeps telling people, “I have crabs on my shoes!” Only she speaks weird and pauses before, “on my shoes” (similar to how Michael Barbaro from The New York Times’ The Daily podcast always seems unsure of his own name when he speaks and goes, “Hey it’s Michael…Bar-bar-o fromTheNewYorkTimes” — all one word). Anyway, it sounds like she’s telling people she has crabs.

Speaking of crabs, hey Cancer! Let’s do your sign by the numbers.

All month: It’s time to break free and let yourself have fun. You’ll be in a wayyy better mood than you’ve been for at least three months.

On May 10th: Take a romantic trip to rev up your fifth house of true love. For all I know, you could meet someone. If you know someone, ask them to go on a romantic trip with you.

June 4th through July 20 will crazy as hell because Mars is on a skateboard in your sign or something like that, so relax now.

You’ll get rich on May 9th, become successful in your career and friendship on May 10th and on May 12th, you’ll receive some outstanding news about your job.

On May 30th, “a glittering day,” Mars and Uranus will be in sync (yeah, I bet they will be) which is also good for your career. Damn girl, as Susan said, “It will be hard to beat your star power in May.”

Leo

Leo, you’re a fierce-ass lion who doesn’t even care that her birthday falls in the final summer month when everyone’s away because it means you get to chill on the beach unbothered. That said, you’re going to want to break away from the cat pack this month and really “go for the gold in your career.” UGH, CAN THE OLYMPICS COME BACK OR WHAT?

The new moon that skootched into Taurus in April is going to give you persuasive powers when it comes to getting what you want, so start negotiating. And if all of this sounds like a lot — like Amelia, what? — it’s going to be a generally balanced month, so please go with this/it and send horoscopes around your office so that I am lauded for my traffic!

Venus is no longer in retrograde, by the way. I know you were worried about that because you had haircut plans or something. Off you go with that bob!

Mars, the action planet, is going to make for a happier social life this month despite what I literally just said above. In fact, on May 25th, you’ll be traveling with friends. That doesn’t mean you can’t march to the beat of your drum so long as Miles Teller is playing!

Let’s conclude with me talking dirty to you. “Saturn and Uranus will be beautifully aligned this month,” says Susan. This is rare. It will be especially prevalent around May 18 and November 11, not to mention Venus will be in fire-sign Aries all May. This is a recipe for all good things, my friend. Great things, in fact. Amazing things, if you will, and now I’m just carrying on, but chin up and tits out: here comes your best career yet, your best life ever, your best summer since camp and your best time for love — although it’s only just beginning.

Virgo

Like a Virgo! Touched for the very first time! Like a Vir-ir-ir-ir-go, I hear your planets, ro-tat-ing!

Does our relationship just keep getting better or what?

Mars recently entered Gemini (twins!) and your tenth house of honors, awards and achievement. Suz says this happened on April 21st and is here to stay until June 4th. That’s a nice amount of time, honestly, if you’re beyond excited for someone to visit who you haven’t seen in a while, who’s a clean and thoughtful house guest that doesn’t really need to be entertained. And while these planets are busy arranging their respective television and shower schedules, they will simultaneously be making sure that you rise to the occasion of what their positioning promises: Honors! Awards! Achievements! Hello!

This month will be a big one to make your mark. The new moon is sending a signal to Jupiter, too, which is hopefully going to get you some sort of raise or extra dollar. You know who’s also here to help? (Sometimes it takes a village, sometimes it takes a solar system.) Uranus and Venus in your house of perks! I don’t even know what your house of perks are. I wrote it as a note while raking my eyeballs furiously through your sign, but doesn’t it sound like a nice thing? I wrote “$$$$$$” after it, so that has to be good.

Negotiate travel on the 30th if you want to. If not, enjoy the return of your energy now that Mercury’s over being a see you next caturday.

Libra

Susan used this really fun bank account/flower blossom metaphor that I won’t repeat for you here, but I assure you it was thrilling, Justin (B)libras. Take comfort in knowing that above all else, you’re going to get really rich. Please scroll up to the Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland duet. If you’d prefer, I can leave this one from Glee below. You know, I swear I’ve dropped both of these videos into a horoscope report before.


It’s just that after a Mercury in retrograde, everyone feels like they can live their lives again!

That will be especially true of you. You’re going to be yearning to travel, and the new moon of May 25th in Gemini is going to set things in motion (just in time for Memorial Day Weekend!). Jupiter’s involved and you know that planet likes to book first class and fancy, so don’t worry about bed bugs or anything less than champagne and caviar.

A final note: You’re going to start giving a lot of thought to how to improve your home life in a way that won’t come again until 2047. You have until the end of the year to really cement those thoughts, but Susan finds this prospect exciting. Take advantage of what “the home” means to you: family, redecorating, re-watching Sweet Home Alabama because thanks to Big Little Lies, you’re back on a Reese Witherspoon kick. Whatever “it” may be, take stock. Write it down in your notebook. And please don’t eat the paper. You’re not an Aries goat, okay. No excuse. It’s my birthday — how about instead, I share my cake with you.

Scorpio

Ooooh, Scorpio! You’re going to make a serious commitment this month. I don’t know if it will be career-wise or friendship-wise or what, but I do know that you might as well wear the wedding dress of your dreams OR — or! — the flats of your dreams that you’d wear to a commitment ceremony.

“Neptune, currently touring imaginative Pisces, will bring inspiration and glamour to your relationship,” said Susan, who has clearly read both of those stories I just linked to because she used the word glamour. “If,” that is, “the purpose of your alliance is to work creatively or to commit your love, you will be very happy.”

Good news is that you can sign papers now. Mercury is out of retrograde, might I remind you.

We’ve got a full-ass moon on May 10th in Scorpio, and it is the only full moon in your sign this year. That’s a big deal! It might be emotional in a good way for you, but also in that freaky-cry way where you sob just because someone looks at you across the room sort of weird. Things will work out in your favor no matter what, though. It’s a full moon — everything becomes more clear, especially your dreamz.

If it’s going to happen any day, May 25th is the day to win the lotto. Rich doesn’t just mean money, of course (but it kind of does in the sentence where I just said it); ROMANCE is primed and ready to take place on the 25th as well. You might have to sweet-talk Neptune a bit, but thanks to Pluto, it’s looking like you’ll get your way. Oh and travel that weekend. It might help, it can’t hurt.

Sagittarius

Is there or is there not a not-yet-formed feminist band out there just waiting to be called Vagittarius?

Okay! Take your time this month, in general. March and April were sloths in terms of productivity thanks to retrograding Venus and Mercury, and even with Mercury’s return to planet Earth (thanks so much for joining us, asshole) things won’t feel totally back to normal until the 20th, so like, no rush, man. As they say in the old country when someone starts rolling down a grassy knoll too quickly, “Let it happen.”

A lot of your sign was about focusing on the overall improvement of your mind, body and spirit. I’m sure the thought of a holistic approach makes you want to throw your Be Your Own Guru book out the window at this point — especially if you didn’t read the instructions on your yoni egg clearly — but if you focus on your inner downward dog you just may have a mental breakthrough around May 10th, give or take four days of that full moon.

Now that Venus is no longer in retrograde (and will finally be back full-force come May 18th), not only will progress in terms of work and health come more easily, your connections with friends will link up faster than a fresh face gets matches on Tinder. Thanks to this, May will be so much fun.

Your partner in love or business will also be an important focus this month, says Susan. You’re going to deepen the connection, so wipe your hands on your pants immediately. Nobody likes a sweaty-palmed handshake of forevership. Except, I guess, if this connection’s The One.

Which it may be, because on May 25th your love life is getting a boost from that new-new moon. Swoon!

Capricorn

Capricorn, I’m not sure how we’ve never talked about what your sign looks like, but I just googled it for the first time (I am VERY diligent about my horoscopes!) and it’s like, a ram-mermaid? Please advice in the comments below and tell me your mythical ram-like stance on the phenomenon of unicorn food. Or did the fury of Fyre Festival cancel out the fury of Starbuck’s Frappuccino debut. And also, is this a joke? I am generally here for an Instagram moment and a complicated order, but whatever happened to the pure beauty of an iced coffee?

This is a super-social month for you, in non beverage-related news. Get out May 10th and party. On the 25th, you’re set to start a new fitness routine. That sounds so fun. You’re like the Jane Fonda of ram-mermaids. Your neon Spandex must look so cool.

“This year,” writes Susan,”innovation and new technology will allow you to build a deep foundation for your future upon which to build your dreams.” Uh hi, I think we just found your billion-dollar idea. Mermaid-ram pants. Can’t stop won’t stop!

It is that time of horoscope writing where I completely lose it!

But you won’t. On May 25th (yup, same day as your fitness routine, hellooo synergy) you’re going to get a mega business boost. Unrelated but not not-related, you should throw a party at the end of this month. Susan’s advice. It’ll charge up the old romance battery.

Aquarius

BIG OPENER HERE, Aquaphor: “This will be a pivotal month for you.” (Yes, in a good way.)

First, know this: You’re going to want to focus on a new home. Susan advises you to put this off until November 1st if you can, “but don’t give up your dream,” she advises. I advise so, too.

Also, here’s a really fun fact for all those who identify with Aquarius: “Saturn was your ancient ruling planet prior to the discovery of Uranus in 1781, so astrologers keep an eye on both Saturn and Uranus when deciphering your possibilities for the coming month.” Who knew?? She has a reason for telling this to you. “Both those planets will be in sync this year, and this is good news, for you tend to do very well during the rare times when both your rulers work together.” WELL! (Do you like my annotations or no?) “This month, on May 18th, they will hit perfection, allowing you to put forth brilliant ideas – even if your ideas are a little on the risky side – and get them funded, allowing you to build financial security for the future.”

I mean, does that sound good or what?! It’s like you’re in The Big Short but not doing anything illegal!

We’ve got this big old moon on May 10th that you’ll find exciting. It’s the apex of what you’ve been working so hard toward at work.

You want to know what else? Mars is in your true-love sector until June 4th, so get the hell out there and distribute some business cards. “You’ll be in the mood for love, which is always a number one requirement to attract love,” said Susan. Raise your hand if you’re sewing that on a pillow. Please also raise you hand if you think pillows embroidered with cute quips like that were the original Instagram quote.

Mars is going to make sure you look hot as fell for your sex fest, by the way. And on May 25th, that fresh new moon is going to pump up the volume even MORE into your love life and happy emotions. It’s going to be like the Trolls movie up in here, if Trolls were R-rated I guess? That’s gotta exist somewhere on the internet.

Pisces

You’re going to be traveling a ton at the beginning of may, Apple Pisces. OH my god, speaking of pie! I told Gemini that I think we should bring back/take back “pie hole” because I love the term so much. Pie is great but it gets a bad rap with that “shut your pie hole” crap. Focus Zorro, focus! Okay. (I’m Zorro in this scenario, trying to type the second-to-last horoscope.) So this travel! Yes. You’re spontaneous and flexible as fish, so you’re cool with travel plans that may come up last minute. Don’t think too much and just go with it. You will not regret your decision.

Pluto’s going to be pumping up your communication center all month, which means that where things can sometimes get rocky — because of the he-said, she-said, I didn’t get that email, I didn’t understand what you meant bullshit — Pluto is going to be R-E-G-U-L-A-T-I-N-G like a motherfucker. Pluto is going to be the Samuel L. Jackson of planets when it comes to proper communication. And I tell you this because it means all will sail smoothly for you when…

You get offered your own radio show, TV show, opportunity to lecture, podcast or other amazing creative endeavor! The next A Voice of Our Generation!

What else what else. Remember what I said about travel: On May 10th, make sure your passport is up-to-date and handy.

On May 25th, there’s going to be an emphasis on home and spring cleaning. A little feng shui perhaps? Sure, why not.

And as for career, it’s going well, I swear, even though you may think you’re doing it wrong or heading in the wrong direction or making a mess. I promise you, you’re not. Saturn has been teaching you all along, like Dumbledore. Do you feel like a spring wizard yet, Harry?

Aries

ARIES. TALK ABOUT SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST. I have waited this whole time and all 11 other signs (did you read them all or just scroll down fast) to talk to about GOAT YOGA and GOAT PARKOUR.

Just when you’re about to lose faith in humanity, this kind of thing comes up. Of course, this is animal-ity, and they’re really the best things on earth, aren’t they? I figured you’d be the best one to chat to about this since your sign is sort of goat-like. At this point I’m second guessing a ton of the signs’ animals after learning that I didn’t really know what a Capricorn was supposed to be. Feel free to clear it up in the comments section where I’ll be hanging out and snacking.

On May 9th or 10th you’re primed by the planets to get a raise, not to mention that Venus and Mercury are both out of their respective retrogrades. This means that everything is going to move forward, make progress and feel all-around good. People are going to be HAPPY. OH HAPPY DAY. Scroll up if you want to watch some Gleeks and two cultural icons sing about it.

Semi in that vein, your career is going incredibly well thanks to Uranus in Aries with Saturn (the planet ruling your house of fame) at an ideal angle. Honestly, I’d normally make a butt-sex joke here but I don’t want to do it in front of the goats.

Erm, speaking of, Susan said this; “Uranus is the planet of innovation and experimentation,” (mhmm) “and is considered the planet genius. Saturn is the planet of stability and permanence, linking to planets in a rare, ideal state. Your creativity will be running at all-time highs all month, especially on May 18th, so put forth a well-conceived concept while these two planets are protecting you and twinkling above.” Read between the lines there with extra lubrication, but it’s all good stuff. It’s all magic.

On May 25th, plan a trip because you’ll be restless. And on May 30th, when it comes to your life (not to be broad), a breakthrough is scheduled to happen. Ready? I’ll bet you are. It’s May! Up and at ’em!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

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  • Mary

    I am positively HOWLING with laughter over goat parkour because I’m an Aries and it feels like the right tone to set for this month after a terrible Mercury-induced slog through spring. I live for these horoscope recaps and uranus jokes will never not be funny !

    • Amelia Diamond

      never, right! butt jokes stay gold

  • redblueherpderp

    That goat parkour is KILLING ME. Also immediately sent “quit fartin’ around rocket man!” to my Gem friend oh my god

    • Amelia Diamond

      goat parkour is GREAT.

  • I only turn into a Vagittarius one week a month. Look out world, she’s roaring to life!

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahah

  • Macon

    We Caps are sea-goats!
    Also, I want to know what inspired all of Suze’s skateboarding imagery this month.

    • Amelia Diamond

      sea goats! (i know maybe she’s been part of the thrasher dramz and is CLEARLY on the skate side!)

  • Grace B

    Gemini here. I can’t wait to start having fun again.

    • Amelia Diamond

      yay!

  • tmm16

    No lie, Amelia’s horoscopes make me v excited to begin a new month. Also, as a Taurus, I can’t wait for this wave of happiness/optimism/inspiration to continue in May. April was insanely packed and crazy for me (in a good way) and I want the celebration to continue!

    • Amelia Diamond

      god bless you

  • “The new moon is sending a signal to Jupiter, too, which is hopefully going to get you some sort of raise or extra dollar.” Can he send a signal to the lottery too please?

    – Natalie
    http://www.workovereasy.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      yes let me call him

  • Amelia

    happy birth month Amelia, from another Amelia/Taurus whos birthday is tomorrow !!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      happy birthday happy birthday AMELIA!!!!!!!

      • I began freelancing over world wide web, through some elementary jobs which just simply wanted a desktop in addition to usage of internet and therefore Now I am satisfied than before… few months have gone since i begun this and i had cash total of 36,000 dollars… Basically I make eighty usd every single hour and work for 3 to 4 hrs many of the times.And beauty of this is that you can organize valuable time while you work and also for how long as you like but you still receive a take-home pay weekly. —->>>LEARN Extra ABOUT IT here-> http://olaurl.com/15cpz

        tvcbyyv5

  • Amelia I just want to let you know I look forward to this every month!!! I’m a virgo and I’m taking my board exam at the end of this month. Awards! Honors! Achievements!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      HORRAY!

  • Abi

    Right so I’m a cancer and for a second I thought I had to go back in time to March 30th for my career…. but after futher reading i’m convinced it’s a spelling error…. was seriously concerned for a moment

  • Margot

    finally some confidence and energy back into my gem life, just in time for my final exams starting may 10th! thank u thank u thank u universe <3 (also: romance at the afterparty of prom?!?!? this horoscope rockz) imma quit fartin' around now byyyeeeee

  • Meg S

    As a Gemini, anything involving intense studying usually sucks. I have finals starting May 8, so I’m going to take this as a good sign. Looks like I made the right choice to go galavanting around Europe at the end of the month.

    Thanks for parkour goats. I needed that.

  • Haha, loved my horoscope (saggitarius). I’ve definitely been feeling unproductive like everything is moving in slow motion. Exciting to know everything will be picking up soon!

    Britt Mont
    http://www.othersideof25.com

  • Marisa Brenizer

    Just being a nitpicker quasi-astrologer here, I thought I’d point out this error/typo: “On May 10th, the new moon is in Gemini too, which means that every form of communication in your world will be crystal clear, both coming in and going out of your pie hole.” May 10th is actually the full moon, not new. I’m thinking you meant the 25th, but just an FYI!

  • Astrid

    Jesus. Because of the obliquity of the ecliptic there are actually 13 not 12 constellations. This then proves the whole zodiac astrology thing as wrong and flawed when confronted with the scientific objective reality of the cosmos. As a science student I find it odd people do not know this entire premise (12 months, 12 constellations) is scientifically completely wrong. I guess people do this as a silly thing? Go to any first year college astrophysics class and you learn this… of course an astrology blog may argue and bend over backwards to explain why they are smarter than astrophysicists and the knowledge in science.

  • “…..but your big moment will take place when the new moon is in Gemini on May 25th.”

    I’m a Gemini whose birthday is on May 25th! Will be waiting patiently for my life to change – something good at work, a new date, a year of free coffee, I’m not picky. Don’t let me down Manrepeller.

    Zauni / SirenBlack