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The Thought Process of Drinking Iced Coffee

After a month without it

05.04.17
Thought Process of Iced Coffee May 2017 Man Repeller-5766

I hate this day. I can already tell. Why does the sun even bother showing itself for 25 minutes when it’s just going to disappear into the clouds as if a child at a party?

Is it just me, or are the clouds hanging super low? It’s almost like there is a ceiling on the sky. A ceiling! How many minutes do you think I’ll have wasted by the end of my lifetime making this bed? Fluffing Abie’s pillows, pulling at our fitted sheet…and now I have to brush my teeth? Has anyone taken a moment to recognize how many ERRANDS are baked into the first 20 minutes that you’re awake? I need to change this routine. Start my day doing something I like! Like getting dressed, for example.

Who do I want to be today?

Ugh, I have nothing to wear. Lately, I never have anything to wear. I hate myself for thinking that. Look at this closet! There is so much stuff in it. If you showed these garment racks to me and I didn’t own them, there is no doubt that I would chastise the woman who does, make a case for getting better use out of their contents and roll my eyes at her lament. But it’s that time of year, I guess. I don’t want to wear a single coat. I’m sick of pants. Practically allergic to sweaters. Should I just — I know! I need a coffee.

I’ll put on leggings and a T-shirt, suck it up and wear a trench coat, then go get a coffee. But where should I get coffee from? And is this really the thing I want to do? I haven’t had coffee in three weeks. Three weeks!

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Yes, it’s time. I deserve it.

I can’t just have any coffee, I have to have the best coffee. It’s been three weeks! Obviously I’ll get iced. Should I go for the junky deli kind? Hazelnut or vanilla-brewed, or try an artisanal roaster — Gimme Coffee or Gasoline Alley? Intelligentsia? La Colombe? You know what, cold brew makes my heart pound out of my body. It’s too soon. Let’s get a vanilla brew from The Cupcake Shop.

La di da di da, I’m getting coffee. Do di do di do, coffee, coffee, coffee.

These leggings aren’t so bad. Maybe I can get away with just wearing them until it’s legit summer and call it an outfi — OH MY GOD, I AM A MASOCHIST. WHY DID I EVER STOP DRINKING COFFEE? TALKING ALL, “OH, MATCHA IS FUN TOO, THIS IS GOOD FOR YOU.” WHAT WAS I THINKING? IS THAT THE SUN SHINING? DID IT JUST COME OUT? OH NO, IT’S JUST THAT A BIG-ASS CLOUD HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM OVER MY HEAD. I CAN’T SIT HERE, I HAVE TO GET UP, I HAVE TO WALK.

MAN THIS TASTES GOOD.

“Good morning!”

“Good morning! Beautiful day to be alive, eh?”

“Hi, I’m Leandra!”

Thought Process of Iced Coffee May 2017 Man Repeller-5762

I CAN’T STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE. THEY NEED TO KNOW I’M ALIVE. THIS IS THE BEST LIFE EVER! I’M SOOOOOO HAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPY! I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A STORY. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ONE: THREE HOME APPLIANCES EVERYONE SHOULD OWN. OMG, IT WOULD DO WELL, SO UTILITARIAN. I GOTTA GO HOME AND WRITE THAT! THEN CHANGE!

SO MANY CLOTHES! SO MANY CHOICES! WHAT SHOULD I PUT ON FIRST?! CHECKERED PANTS? JEANS? METALLIC SKIRT? ALL THREE? HOW ABOUT THIS DRESS?! AND LOOK AT THIS ONE! I WISH I HAD MORE FEET. TWO SHOES AREN’T ENOUGH. CELINE IS GENIUS. NO WONDER THEY PAIRED SEPARATE COLORS ON THE RUNWAY. I WANNA DO THAT, TOO. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO WHO ELSE CAN I CALL I BETTER WRITE DOWN ALL THESE IDEAS BEFORE THEY ESCAPE ME I THINK I AM SERIOUSLY HAVING A STROKE OF GENIUS.

MY COMPUTER IS ROSE GOLD. I WANT SCRAMBLED EGGS. WHAT YOUR BREAKFAST SAYS ABOUT YOU — YEAH YEAH, THAT’S A GOOD STORY, TOO. OH DENIM MINI SKIRT — THAT’S WHAT I’LL WEAR. WITH AN ORANGE SWEATER AND SATIN SHOES. SATIN SHOES, YEAH YEAH. EMAILS EMAILS I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM. INSTAGRAM INSTAGRAM INSTA…

Woah, why am I lightheaded?

And foggy?

Home appliances? Seriously?

Ugh, fuck this day.

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Photos by Edith Young.

Get more Humor ?
  • 😀 … 😀

  • Molly D

    WHY DID YOU GO A MONTH WITHOUT IT

    • Leandra Medine

      to “rebalance” my adrenals per the recommendation of a fertility specialist who turned me into nothing more, nothing less than a cranky woman with functional ovaries that are too obsessed with themselves to release eggs

      • Leandra Medine

        sorry, what?

        • Molly D

          Well coffee and eggs go together so there’s prob a breakfast (baby) party brewing right around the corner

  • Err, anyway, the correct answer is: coffee grinder, coffee maker and freezer.
    obv

    • AC

      amen

  • La Colombe’s iced almond latte is the best iced latte in the land. Idk why but it is. I am TOTALLY getting iced coffee before class today, even though it makes me jittery. Thanks, Leandra.

  • Irene Laura
  • Welcome back to the world of the living! You NY people – always walking to get things! This would have been slightly different in LA (going to the Coffee Bean drive through).

  • tinydarling

    THIS IS SO ME.

  • Karna

    Hahaha Leandra<3
    Too accurate, love this.

  • Lindsay D

    i quit caffeine about a month ago, I treated myself to a cold brew the other day OMG I missed it. My stomach does not though.

  • Sheila T.
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  • Rae

    It’s about to be a year since I stopped consuming caffeine. I would have coffee everyday, and the rest. This NY spring weather makes me miss it, in the act of going to get a coffee/matcha latte/iced tea in the sunshine as something to do. But generally I don’t, and not torpedoing my relationship by virtually eradicating what I had accepted as given, daily bouts of anxiety, sleeping better, FEELING better etc. It’s not worth going back.

  • Nicole Swedberg

    Is your going-to-get-coffee tune a riff from the scene in the original Parent Trap where Hayley Mills and Maureen O’Hara are walking through the park? So good. https://youtu.be/3o7i7A71d3E?t=20s

  • Debbie

    I found out recently that I was allergic to coffee :[

  • I’m a recent coffee convert and now cannot go a day without it. Treated myself to a cold brew today (taking in mind, I’ve never had cold brew before) and my god, it was so strong I had the coffee shakes all afternoon.

  • Geraldine

    Almost quit coffee, then I got placed to work at a coffee shop.. now I can’t quit.

  • Caroline

    no never.

  • Caroline

    also, real show of digital shorts I just started watching. but still, no. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/27e8886c1f3a30e4b7735008f96dc506756b3af438f7684d9323a34f02d6a8d3.png

  • Marra

    This is me on on coffee. Any and all coffee. Cold Brew? Forget it. Hello 3:00 am social media stalking and anxiety!!

  • Samantha Lee

    I am insanely elated that it is officially (at least in LA) iced coffee weather!! Lucky for me, a new, super hip and cute (of course) outdoor cafe just opened up next to my work, so it’s ICED COFFEE ALL DAY E’RY DAY.

    http://www.wonderlandsam.com

  • Katie Love Little

    You NAILED it! I quit coffee a while ago, too. Sometimes I miss that crazy surge…

  • Alyssa

    SO SO TRUE! Coffee is life, but also the devil. Oh why do I love you so…

  • Haloes Angel

    I live and breathe coffee… That said there is a point where drinking too much causes : shakes, breast pain and severe irratibility and hallucinations… I shouldn’t have more than 2 otherwise – ‘Hey look its a purple dragon!’

  • CDC

    HAHAHA this reads like a diary of my brain every morning when I pick and choose my coffee options. Except I am a masochist who secretly enjoys the coffee shakes (and an empty bank account) because I go through this twice a day… COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE