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Here For the Right Reasons: The Bachelorette Season 13 Premiere Recap

Evidence, arguments and snap judgments from last night’s important television event

05.23.17
Bachelorette Recaps
Bachelorette Recaps

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, the facts are these:

Fact: I am 100% here for Rachel Lindsay. Prior to the premiere, she revealed that, spoiler alert, she is “very much engaged” to a guy from the season. I’m so excited for her, though I admit it’s a bit anticlimactic. It’s like Trump tweeting “I am very much impeached.” But whatever, suspense is so 2016.

Fact: I am 100% here for The Bachelorette. It’s totally unrealistic, sadistic, not woke in the least and totally addictive. Do I get nervous at the rose ceremony? Every time.

Fact: I am super psyched, to use a reality show staple phrase, “to go on this journey of a lifetime” with you.

Here’s what’s in my pockets:

  • I believe in love. Like Nora Ephron love, Fitz and Olivia making jam love, Wall-E roaming the universe love.
  • I believe in reality TV love. I mean, do people actually fall in love on television? Probably not. But I’ll buy it anyway. Sometimes you want a real Coach bag and sometimes you want to buy a cheap knockoff that fell off a truck. Sometimes I am a trash panda.
  • I’m not about using race as a gimmick. Rachel is the first black Bachelorette and the producers have made much ballyhoo about it. Personally, I think it’s too little too late, but I can’t change that. I can’t change anything, actually, because I’m sitting here on my bed drinking prosecco, but I will yell at the TV if they start to treat her race as a problem she needs to deal with.
  • I think most of these dudes are going to be sociopaths.

Opening Statement

When we meet Rachel, a lawyer, she has to pretend to be doing law stuff in some sort of Judge Joe Brown community theater set and it’s hilarious. It looks like a commercial for someone who “collects no fee unless we win.” I want more for her. Later, Josiah, a prosecutor, will have to give a fake closing argument in front of a jury box filled with Central Casting extras. Why is this show like this?

I was LIVING for the scene where they brought back other women from last season’s Bachelor. You know, the women who are not Rachel Lindsay? All of these women who didn’t end up being the Bachelorette are SO HAPPY for Rachel and SO HAPPY to be back at the ranch even though it’s SO WEIRD and they are DEFINITELY NOT seething with envy or DAY DRUNK AND FURIOUS.


Evidence

Jack Stone has the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. He’s a lawyer in Dallas who likes to wander through planned communities soulfully.

Mohit loves his family and does Bollywood dance and I’m immediately smitten. He also knows how to wear the hell out of a blue suit. Unfortunately, he gets unreasonably drunk and starts stumbling around like a sophomore at last call. I have a secret theory that the ones who get accidentally drunk on these shows are actually the nice ones. Maybe it’s because I am still an RA feeling too much compassion for nerds who don’t understand how Long Island iced teas work. But there’s a certain guilelessness to getting schwasted on the first night. Just me?

Lucas is a disaster and I cannot believe I have to talk about him. His montage is weird mix of “Things The Miz Would Do” and “Jokes an 11-Year-Old Would Tell You.” It’s highly disturbing. He has a… catchphrase? That is basically him screaming “Whaboom” for no real reason. He’s a mess. He tried it.

Blake E.’s body is RIGHT but he’s a sex maniac. He immediately tells us how high his testosterone is, how great his penis is and how much he had sex in his last relationship. He also mentions that sex isn’t the only thing he’s interested in. “You have to spend the other 23 and a half hours of a day with someone,” he says, indicating that sex with Blake E. takes a half hour. So pencil that in or whatever. Also, he brings an entire marching band to make his first (actually second) impression, which is definitely not compensating for the size of any of his appendages or anything.

Josiah makes a “reasonable doubt” pun and says “see you later litigator,” so I’m both giddy and miserable.

Bryan is swarthy and selling his Colombianness hard. He’s also 37-years-old (though he could easily pass for 27) and ready to LOCK IT DOWN. He literally attacks her face in a one of those kisses, which sounds like a scene from Alien: Covenant. This earns him the first impression rose. They seal it with a kiss and Mohit, who is drinking water (thankfully) and watching, screams like a kid who walked in on his parents having sex.

Dean told Rachel “I want to go black and never go back.” And who doesn’t want to be reminded that a person sees you solely as a racial experience that they can tour at their leisure? I think he doesn’t mean any harm, but I think we’re past the point where that’s okay. Agree/disagree?


Sociopaths:

  • Jonathan, 31, who tickles her. TICKLES HER. Call Homeland Security.
  • Alex. Just trust me. Read his interview questions on the ABC site. His three worst traits are that he’s “Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic.” He once ate a live salamander. He’s a MONSTER. In his video package, he’s seen working out and also reading a book and also solving a Rubik’s Cube, all of which are things Patrick Bateman would do. Also, he brings a vacuum of some sort because he’s on the “clean-up crew.” Also, he is a sociopath. Trust me.
  • Adam, who brings “Adam Jr.” a creepy doll who looks like Mike Myers with a Richard Spencer haircut. The producers, after a lot of party drugs, set AJ up with his own confessional (IN FRENCH) and a plotline. Honey, this show is already off the rails.
  • Lucas. OBVIOUSLY. But Rachel is surprisingly game for Lucas’ shenanigans. She actually seems to humor him. Enjoy him? What am I missing?

Verdicts

First of all, I’m not totally convinced that the experience of walking into a room with 27 semi-drunk dudes who are trying to get your attention is actually pleasant.

Also, can you imagine the awkwardness of having to hug every dude you turn down goodbye one-by-one?

Secondly, there is something about Rachel that is so grounded and yet so completely sells the wild, unreasonable hope of this whole endeavor.

Lastly, the only reason to keep Lucas around is to set up more tense-jawed conflicts with Blake E. Lucas is a perfect foil for the tightly wound sex maniac.

Deserved Their Roses: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey (hot but unexceptional), Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony (hot but unexceptional), Brady, Josiah, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E.

Should Not Have Gotten Roses: Jonathan (NOPE), Bryce (he gave transphobic answers in his interview and his head is shaped like a square and it’s disturbing), Alex (I’m telling you, he’s dangerous), Lee, Lucas (Wha-BOY BYE)

Should Have Gotten Roses But Didn’t: Grant, Kyle (he brought her baked goods and he is a tasty snack himself)

Who I’m Rooting For: Kenny, Bryan, Fred

Let’s deliberate in the comments!

Photographs by Paul Hebert via Disney ABC Press

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  • Cristina

    YES FRED. I mean, what a well dressed, well-educated, well spoken man and he reminds me of Big Boi with those fresh waves. Bryan’s kiss wasn’t even a first date kiss, it was a full on makeout sesh which I was pretty here for so I am also team Bryan. I’m pretty sure since Rachel is a lawyer, she needs someone even more controlling than her and HI BRYAN.
    Lucas… I literally don’t understand. I was recapping in my head this morning and surely that’s a shtick. Or else no one loved him as a child and it makes me almost sad. You can’t take that guy out in public. The fact that he got a rose just adds to the scripted demise of this show. MAJOR EYE ROLL HERE.
    Also, what I’m about to say is probably going to make people mad. I made myself mad just by thinking it. I wanted older, mature, real woman on there a la Rachel. Now that I’ve seen it, I half napped through the last half of the episode. The previews of the season? They probably had to reach really hard for those. Making this Lee guy sort of a Chad Bear? Been there, seen that. Smart, mature people with their lives together don’t make for good reality TV (hello RHO-EVERYWHERE). Do I want to be friends with Rachel IRL through this journey? Yes. Do I want to watch it on TV? Ehhh… I’m leaning towards no.

    • R. Eric Thomas

      Yes Fresh Waves!

      I’m cautiously with you on the point about Rachel. I like her so much but she’s one of those people who seems to be so genuine that you wonder how they can possibly live up to our high standards of reality TV drama and atrocious behavior.

    • KaterinaClauhs

      The entire premise of this show is so ridiculous and out there and drama inducing though, that I feel like it only gets boring when the people involved aren’t really invested (cough Juan Pablo). So I’m actually feeling kind of the opposite when it comes to Rachel being more cerebral than past contestants – I’m looking forward to a season of more down to earth and mature contestants (if that’s what these men indeed are, I’m not so sure) because I think that has potential to be significantly more interesting. I also think Rachel is more likely to genuinely fall in love and I am a total geek who believes this silly TV show can work out and that’s what I want to see.

      Kenny is by far my favorite after the first episode.

      I also like Peter, Dean (though his comment on AFTR was most definitely in poor taste, as was that floral tie) and possibly DeMario (if he can tone it down) and Bryan (kiss was a little much – but she seemed into it…)
      Blake, Lee and Whaboom can GTFOH
      I wish Blake K and Mohit had stayed. I would probably get too drunk the first night too and probably my favorite part of the whole episode sas Mohit’s reaction to the kissing.

      • Cristina

        Apparently she is happily engaged (which I thought of Ben and Lauren so I was rooting for them) but I am definitely pulling for her!
        Also, I totally forgot to mention the guy from Dallas with the goldendoodle. The single guy. With e a goldendoodle. That’s an instant HARD PASS in my book lol!!
        Kenny def seems like a sweetheart. First glance he seems too nice and traditional but maybe cause of his age.
        Ahahahah I just relived that Mohit moment in my head. Poor guy. I would totally root for a Bollywood dancer, can you imagine holidays at their house?!

  • Bee

    Ok, so when I heard she was engaged I looked up spoilers to see who it was (first time I’ve done this) so I’m now watching this season through new eyes so to speak. It’s actually interesting to make observations knowing the outcome!

    • R. Eric Thomas

      Oh gosh! I can’t decide if I want to know the spoilers or not. I’m torn!

      • Bee

        I don’t blame you for not wanting to, but I will say it’s kind of fun to know the spoilers for at least one season!

      • Cristina

        Nick’s season of the Bach was the first time I read the spoilers, and that was maybe after top 5 because I was so over it. I’ll probably give this one more episode and if it’s still boring, I’ll read Reality Steve haha.

      • KaterinaClauhs

        DO NOT

  • qui_c

    Blake K!!!! Should have gotten a rose

    • Andrea Raymer

      he was my fave but I stalked his Instagram when the cast was announced so I knew he wasn’t going to last long since he was posting so much during filming.

      • qui_c

        you’re on it. so cute and seemed like a real gem!

    • 100% should have gotten a rose!!!

  • Andrea Raymer

    I am HERE for this recap. Last season was not the same without writing my own recap in the comments of MR recaps.

    First of all. None of these boys are good enough for Rachel. I used the term boys in tensionally because even though may of them are actual adults. They are boys compared to her. Rachel is just so up for anything. I love that she plays along with all of their schticks and there really isn’t anything someone could do that would be completely off-putting to her. Nick was not that way (see Lauren Hussey saying their last names together were a disgusting prostitute).

    Really may favorite entrances were the people hat hate each other. Lucas’s entrance would have definitely worked on me until he started saying Waboom. The announcing himself through the window with a megaphone is definitely my thing. I just would have taken the megaphone before I let him go inside in anticipation of it bing annoying.

    Also Blake E. with that marching band knows the way to my heart. It made me completely forget all the douchey stuff he said. I really don’t like how he badmouthed the penguin guy because of course Rachel will like the penguin, Dolphin Girl is one of her best friends from her season.

    I was into Alex and his vacuum as well.

    I’m definitely not feeling Bryan. That kiss was aggressive and he scares me.

    I am also a little disappointed in DeMario. I liked his bio and both of his entrances. he was my favorite on ATFR, but I worry he is going to get really annoying in like an Alex from Jojo’s season way. I think we saw a glimpse of that side of his personality but I’m hoping its just night 1 jitters.

    So far I really can’t tell the difference between most of them. I also have read only a few spoilers so it is difficult for me to tell everyone apart at this point.

    • R. Eric Thomas

      I agree about the grand schtichky-ness of Lucas and Blake E.’s entrances (henceforth known as Just Blake, I guess). Lucas could have sold it without his atrocious catchphrase. I literally don’t get it.

      I’m really curious what indicated to Bryan that he was good to go for the kiss. You’re right. It was totally aggressive. Hopefully he felt like he had tacit consent, though who knows?

      DeMario got so drunk he was glassy-eyed, but he seemed to keep it together. I’m hoping he can be a bit more on his game going forward.

    • Emily

      I agree 100% about Bryan! He comes off as so over-confident and was also very focused on asserting the physical side of their relationship with those horrible kisses and little comments. I think (hope!!!) once other relationships develop he will fade into the woodwork

  • Ash

    I haven’t watched a season since Bob? (looks crazy tall and has curly hair) was on. I feel like this is one I need to watch.

  • lily

    “Wha-BOY BYE” lmao yes.
    Also here for Peter mainly because she said “i don’t like chocolate” and he was like I WILL THROW THESE INTO THE FIRE.

    • R. Eric Thomas

      That was a really clever response!

  • Tamikka Johnson

    OMG. Lucas is obnoxious. I am sure he is a schtick from the producers to bring some immediate drama. It’s so obvious as he was the final rose. Why leave him until the end if he were a shoe-in? Ick.

    Penis Blake gives me some strange vibe. Like he is a creeper.

    I’ll be enjoying your recap each week.

  • Nikka Duarte

    BLAKE K SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A ROSE IM STILL EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED FROM THAT
    Also I hope this is going to be a weekly recap type of thing because I absolutely love it.

    • R. Eric Thomas

      Yay! It is! I’ll be back every Tuesday morning!

      • Nikka Duarte

        thank u <3