Shower Caps On: It’s Raining April Horoscopes!

Hallelujah!

04.04.17
horoscope2017_april2

Did anyone else close their eyes for a quick nap in March, forget to set their alarm, then wake up in April?

Mull on that before you skim your ‘scope. Please also review these two memos from Susan Miller at Astrology Zone. I am nothing if not her loyal messenger:

1) She thinks you are hurting your eyes by reading her website in website-form on your smartphone so please DL the app (for iPhone and Android).

2) Mercury’s in retrograde from April 9th to May 3rd. You can read about it here. I probably won’t bring it up again because IT BORES ME TO DEATH TO TALK ABOUT. You don’t want to hear about it either! You really don’t. We can complain about it if you see me on the streets, but nobody needs to hear for the thousandth time how Merc in Ret slows everything down and fucks up communication and makes people drop iPads in toilets and how it’s a bad time to sign contracts (but for real, don’t sign contracts), blah blah blah. I am only here to deliver the good Suz.

So with that, let’s get started!

Aries

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god I am so sorry — for a second I thought I was writing on your Facebook wall. That’s probably because Mercury and Venus are already packing up for their trip at the Retrograde Resort and Spa where they’ll trip on ayahuasca, refuse to answer texts for a ton of days as part of the overall cleanse, then come back and talk about it nonstop, and it’s making me a little forgetful. I already lost one wireless Apple headphone, and then I lost the pod which charges the headphones, so I have one dead headphone for my bad ear and a $100 regret that involves a shitty replacement pair that feels like two tiny cocktail wieners shoved into my ears plus a long story, one that can be made longer than this sentence if you then ask me to explain how I know about the tiny cocktail wiener-in-ear sensation.

It’s kindergarten-level-G rated, but it does involve the emergency room.

Anyway! Because of this retrograde bullshit (I know what I said in the intro, okay) the motto of this month is very Vanilla Ice:

ninja-rap-1

Stop, collaborate and listen. Extra good-luck points this month to whoever can find me a proper GIF of that song.

You’ve got great career news on April 10th — a date that’s good if you’re in a committed relationship, not so much if you’re single and looking to start something brand new, but whatever, jobs first, tiny cocktail wieners second in descending order of priority. Speaking yet again of tiny cocktail wieners (TCW going forward), “Uranus will add considerable relationship tension because this planet of chaos and unpredictable events will oppose the moon and conjoin the Sun.” Excellent, thanks so much to literally the most annoying planet beside Mercury.

Hey guess what? You’re going to get rich on April 26th! Kiss that new moon’s sweet butt and pray your May horoscopes dictate a less-weird narrative in my brain!

HBD again! <3

Taurus

Oooooooooooh GIRLLLLLL it is almost birthday month but we MUST! CONSERVE! OUR ENERGY! We must also, more as a reminder to myself, book that birthday venue now because you know that each and every single year we try to do it last-minute then have to pull weird strings to get a damn favor up in this joint.

Mars, the energy and action planet, is now in Taurus, “giving us a big advantage over the competition.” According to Suz, this is a trend (my favorite kind besides shoes!) that started last month and will continue into April 21st. Not a great shelf life but #fastfashion, man, am I right? I dare someone to knock that trend off. Good luck, sucker!

I AM LITERALLY D E L I R I O U S RIGHT NOW, FYI.

Mars is going to give us courage, determination and drive to keep moving forward to get the goods. Just don’t sign anything. I know you know but I have to mom us both for a second.

The full moon on April 10th puts an end to an annoying project that brings money, which is great because we’ll be focused on our home life for the remainder of the month — ESPECIALLY convenient considering no can do on the plastic surgery thanks to Venus’s snooze and without a home project, I’m almost consistently like, “Should I or should I not get a unicorn horn permanently affixed to my forehead?”

Gemini

GeminAye yi YI you seem tense, let me hug you, let me love you. My eyes are crossing so disregard 9/10ths of what I’m about to say. Okay. On April 10th you will be centering a lot of your thoughts around the person you’re dating (please interpret that at your own will) or, alternatively, you’ll be focused on a baby. Remember that this baby, too, can be a metaphorical baby, like a job project, or a food baby, like a burrito.

It’s a friend-centric month for you, and though you may experience some “reverse news” at this full moon (reverse news is the new alternative news only more backwards is how I’m going to interpret that), it will bring about a happy ending once all this hoopla is over with the retrograde. Sexually “active Mars will be in lovely angle to transformative Pluto,” wrote Susan. What that means is you need to knock at every ajar door just in case.

When Mars enters Gemini on April 21st, you will let out a giant sigh of emotional relief. Energy is going to shift around and you will feel back in CONTROL. I know it’s hard to see that when your life feels like it took a sleeping pill then got woken up for a fire drill, but it’s coming. The new moon on April 26th has a center around meditation and relaxation, so maybe sign up for a yoga class or something. No better way to get your in-control on like planetary ohm.

Cancer

UGH. Cancer! Hi cutie. You are going to feel stressed at work for a bit “thanks” to the new moon in Aries, and everyone who sits around you will be crabby (hahaha) too. If you’ve ever wondered, now you will know what it’s like for Haley to sit next to me always. I’m a monster.

Only true love and a sing-a-long can snap me out of it. That or a personified teacup. WHICH, speaking of, can I just take this moment to rank the most interestingly cute characters in an animated movie?

1) Chip from Beauty and the Beast, the original

2) Ducky from The Land Before Time

3) Blanky from The Brave Little Toaster

Cast your votes now. I’m Ryan Seacrest, thank you and goodnight.

Can’t remember if we even talked about your horoscopes at all and don’t have the mouse power (battery is dying) to scroll up, so! You’re going to feel pulled in a few directions this month — that’s normal. You’ll get through it. Breathe. Home life will be on your mind on April 10th, and on April 21st, work from home. See above crabby shit. Just trust me. More or less, take a knee on this month. Do a final round of hibernation. May is the time to really get out of your shell.

Leo

Hello you big-maned wonder of an astrological creation, it’s so nice to see you. You look like you’ve been scratching again. It’s not fleas, though. It’s not bed bugs either, and please stop texting me photos of nearby insects every time you get a mosquito bite. Maybe cool it with the Jessica Simpson edible lotion and winter-squitos will stop taking pinches of your butt with their snouts. You’re itchy because you want to travel. You want to travel far, far away. You totally can, just be prepared for some Mercury-related travel crap that will be annoying more than anything.

At work, you’re ready to move ahead. You are chomping at the bit like a Scandinavian hobby-horse equestrian. (<-When the news came out about that I have never felt more understood but also, less recognized for my early contributions to that sport.) But the timing is not quite right for you to make your move. You have a stick horse between your legs and DO NOT MAKE THAT SEXUAL YOU ABSOLUTE CREEP. Horoscopes are family friendly! After April 15th though, that’s when you can begin making shuffles. You’ll be in full gear by May 20th (with a really strong career day packed in around April 26th to further this momentum) so if I were you, I’d just hang out and start getting limber for summer. Kick, stretch, kick, baby. Just like Sally O’Mally.

giphy

Virgo

You are making a lot of money, my friendly Virgo, but it may not feel like it, or you may not be able to enjoy it, because the last full moon — the one on March 27th — is still stressing you out. This feeling will wane, just like that cheesy motherfucker.

Avoid contracts on the 11th!

Okay. Now, a bit of travel is going to be really good for you this month if you can swing it. Oddly, Susan thinks it will soothe your money worries. This is probably because if you’re anything like me, money feels completely fake on vacation and then one month later, when you’re back, you’re like, “Boy oh boy do I love nothing more than eating dry toast and old eggs!” Whatever. I say just go for it. You’re only young once, which means you have a very short window of time where you can pretend like you “forgot” it was tax season.

CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MONEY PLEASE? For heaven’s sake!

On April 21st, your career will “light up brilliantly” (Susan is so much better with adverbs than I am) once Mars enters Gemini. “This period will help you lay the groundwork for a big career opportunity to come up after the new moon next month, May 25,” she says, which is so exciting. I just drank too much apple-backed green juice if you’re wondering and I’m not not going to puke a bit, but know that it has nothing to do with you.

How could it! Especially when the new moon in Taurus (moo!) is so down to be your friend on April 26th. That moon is going to lasso up Neptune, Saturn and Pluto to create a trio just for you — a great crew — and together, these planets will ensure the following in your life: stability (!), fun (!!) and a “close rapport with your partner.” Of the horizontal variety? Here’s hoping! Guess that’s my cue! I will leave you to it!

Libra

Oh my sweet Libra, the celestial favorite of the year, come here into my arms and let me embrace to you while proving I showered recently. Susan tells me the stars tell her that a partner (either past, present or platonic) opened up an old wound. I know that hurts. Here. Let me put this metaphorical Neosporin on it and hand you a drink.

Pluto’s out here dredging some shit up, too. When it’s like this I know how it feels: like you can’t catch a damn break.

But let me remind you!!! Every time rough stuff like this comes up, it offers a brand-new perspective. It’s the fast track to butterfly from caterpillar, often when we didn’t even know we were anywhere near a cocoon. I’ve said this a few times throughout the horoscopes, but let me say it again, more direct to you: this April is an annoying month of preparation. MAY is where it’s at. It’ll be here soon.

On April 10th, something super important will come your way (give or take four days to that date). On April 21st, your world will settle down. The ability to travel may arise and if you feel up for it, go. It could relax you further.

Best of all, come April 26th, money is gonna fall down like the rain Hilary Duff used to sing about on Laguna Beach. Here’s a link. If that’s not worth reading through this crap, I don’t know what is.

Scorpio

The force is with you on April 5th (Susan actually said that and also WAIT. CAN WE TALK FOR A DAMN MOMENT about how Adam Driver was in Star Wars: the Force Awakens? Did you know that? Did everyone know that except for me? I just learned that in the after-portion of GIRLS). Yeah, I forget why I brought that up, but here’s a question for you:

How many pistachios is too many pistachios?

On April 11th, you’re scheduled to receive a surprise at work. Susan was nondescript in the summary about whether that was a good surprise or a bad surprise, which all hinges, really, on whether or not you like surprises. She was very clear, however, that you should listen to and trust your hunches around this time. They’re super tuned-in.

You’ll have to be more go-with-the-flow than you’d like on April 15th thanks to Venus’s BS — you won’t be able to convince people do things your way as easily — and on April 26th, a haunting relationship question will be resolved. DTR? Don’t mind if I do!

“Your very best romantic weekend will be April 15-16,” writes Susan, “when Venus, in water-sign Pisces most of the month (a glorious place for Venus to be for you), will reach out to Mars, your ruler, in Taurus. Venus is Mars’ cosmic lover, and when found together in aspect, these two set off lovely fireworks in the night sky.” You know what those fireworks sound like, right? Bow-chick-ow-ow!

Sagittarius

I’ve found your calling. Hobby Horsing is, as the media calls it, the new craze sweeping Scandinavia, where teens and young girls run around astride a hobby horse and compete in equestrian activities. It’s sort of like quidditch. I’d also like to point out that this crazy is only new to the media; every single girl who has ever gone through a horse phase also went through a this phase, and a competitive one at that. Tack stores sell jumps “for dogs” but really, parents buy them for their daughters so that their daughters stop taking giant leaps for mankind over dangerous, makeshift hurdles. It’s good preparation for track and field.

Where were we? Oh yeah anyway, you’re half horse and this month you need to get comfortable with the feeling of taking two steps forward and one step back. “How am I supposed to do that,” you’re probably neighing. You’re so lucky I can speak horse. Well here’s my reply: because it’s not permanent! This little Shirley Temple stair dance that you’re doing is only going to last the month of April, and it’s going to make you so much more successful in May. Swear it.

Good luck scheduling anything thanks to both retrogrades, though. Heads up there.

Can we talk about love before I leave you?

“With half the solar system in your love and children sector – the Sun, new moon, Mercury, Uranus, and Venus – it would be hard not to think about anything BUT your love life,” writes Susan. And with good reason! It’s going to be a beautiful month for love for you if you’re in a serious relationship or if you’re married.

…It’s going to be more annoying if you’re single, but what else is new?

Dedicate April 11th to friendship; on the 26th, don’t hit reply-all on a company-wide email; and use this month to hit the metaphorical hay before the birth month of all of your favorite people: MAY!

rs_600x796-150430104629-CD20z_PVIAAfh6j

Capricorn

Capricorn, I am so proud of you for taking this wacky planetary April and channeling it into home-life concentration. Now you can FINALLY organize all that you’ve been hoping to organize! You can feng shui your bedroom to your heart’s content. You might be super focused on MATTERS of the home, i.e. more important stuff, but all of that in stride. As I always say, probably a bit unhelpfully but with full confidence, “You’ve got this.”

In that theme, you very well may be offered a new job or promotion this month — and congratulations! No doubt you’ve earned it. Uranus (that’s the new transitional “but,”), “Venus is the natural ruler of your prestigious honors, awards, and achievement tenth house,” reminds Susan. And with Venus being retrograde, something might be not quite right. Sit tight if you can. Review everything being offered. If it smells fishy, try not to offend a Pisces by saying that around one but do investigate a bit. Or see if you can delay until May. I mean or don’t and just be one of those individuals who are somehow unaffected by horoscopes, mostly because they don’t read them.

“The best part of April will be the strong emphasis on love and romance for you,” writes Suz. REDEMPTION! I love horoscope redemption. “Mars will jazz up your love life quite a bit while Mars remains in Taurus, lighting your fifth house of love until April 21.” When Mars leaves, the new moon in Taurus makes your love life even stronger. So to be absolutely mature about it, I say, OOH, BABY!

Aquarius

You’re going to want to travel this month. I know you. I can feel it in your wiggly bones because the vibrations are bouncing off you and onto my forehead (which is doing great things for my fine lines, actually, so thank you, because Susan wants everyone to hold off on the Botox yadda yadda this month thanks to Venus and her selfish catnap). Anyway, think about traveling all you want, especially spontaneous travel, but just know that should you choose to accept your mission, the traveling itself will be a bit of a bee eye tee cee aych.

Still, you can do it. Probably better than most while Mercury is in retrograde. “You are ruled by Uranus,” writes Susan, “so you tend to take in stride the thunderbolts that Uranus sends us to keep our wits sharp.” Oh my. I had no idea this was going to take that kind of turn. But you should be proud! You know how to sidestep a sticky situation better than a mom of twins with a puppy that has yet to be potty trained.

No contracts for you this month. Instead, focus on your home. You’ll feel especially energized by the new moon on April 26th. And if you’re thinking about love, great. It’s coming. May is your month. For now, enjoy the cozy comfort of a new couch that Susan Miller seems to think you’re about to buy.

Pisces

Pickled Pisces, how are ya?? What do you say, shall we shut this shit down to horoscope town and get the hell on with the rest of our month? YES! We shall! I’ll put the fish stick in the oven, you’ll make the Bloody Marys and I’ll remind us both that a Bloody Mary can never be shortened to “BM,” no matter how short we are on time, no matter how much we believe brevity is the soul of wit. It’s the same thing with “Save the Date” and “Saves the Day,” the emo band. It’s all a bit unfortunate, I know.

You have a heavy spending month!!!! That’s fun. Hopefully you’re shopping for something good. (And yeah, you should buy that.) It’s also tax season, so woooooooo zzzzzzz sorry fell asleep there. Don’t worry. You really are going to rake it in. You will have a bunch of creative projects come up that pay big bucks, even if they are a bit erratically placed. You’ve got this. Yay!

The point of the full moon swinging just around the river bend on April 11th is to teach us all to become more adaptable and resourceful. I love a moon that helps me adult, even if I hate that saying — using adult as a verb. It’s worse than summer, but sometimes you gotta do what the internet tells you when you can not longer think for yourself.

I’m talking about me, not you. You’re going to be great. Especially on April 26th, another full moon (this one is a a joyous bloomer, per Suz) “that will help you hone your talents to a higher level,” creatively. Ooh! And it looks like you’ve been keeping that LinkedIn network up to date: A friend is going to make a successful introduction at the end of the month. Don’t forget that strong fin-shake!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

Get more Humor ?
  • Kirby

    As I am graduating in May, I hope to god my Aries horoscope is right just this once and I do get a job on the 10th–my birthday! (actually Man Repeller/Susan did predict the date my bf and I dtr’d so please dont let me down this time, I have high standards for these horoscopes and these horoscopes only.)
    SO if any one wants to give me a job pls do…Susan says you have to

    • Lorraine Yu

      We share the same birthday!!!!! Whoopeeeee!!

      • Kirby

        How exciting! Happy early birthday to you!!!

  • Mariam Elle Zoghbi

    You know it’s going to be an interesting day when the first thing you Google is Jessica Simpson’s edible lotion.

  • Christel Michelle

    My friend was like “when ISN’T mercury in retrograde???” and I was kinda wondering the same thing

  • Katia Luyo Angeles

    Mine basically says “just hold on until May” 🙁

    • Amelia Diamond

      may is gonna rule though

  • shishir sanjeev

    gave me cancer

  • Meg S

    As a gemini, I am tense. Please hug me and let me cry. My “baby” is my last accounting test, two quizzes and a final over the next 5 weeks. I’ll be in the corner ugly crying if anyone needs me.

    • Amelia Diamond

      HERE IS AN INTERNET EMBRACE

      • Meg S

        THANK YOU I NEEDED THAT. Still ugly crying because finals.

  • Lindsay D

    “BF” and basically broke up but didn’t make it official I’m a scorpio and it says April 26 we DTR. SUSSSANNNNNNNNNNN

    • Amelia Diamond

      DAMMIT SUZ.

  • Laura

    so what if my horoscope says to not sign anything but I *NEED* to sign a lease for a new apartment this month?

    • Amelia Diamond

      you gotta do what you gotta do but now that you know it could be a tricky time you can be EXTRA scrupulous!!

  • I am a Libra and I met the dreamiest guy on the 16th of April. We said we would keep in touch, he is about to travel back home and he still hasn’t read my message on Instagram. I don’t know if it’s him or Mercury but gosh darn it!