I know I sound like a broken record when every time a new episode of Monocycle is released my knee-jerk intro reads, “Sorry I stopped recording.” It makes me feel like a vlogger who hasn’t signed on in a couple of days. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m so reluctant to records new episodes as of late — because that’s really what it is: reluctance.
I’m busy, yes, but almost always prioritize producing content over the other stuff that falls into and out of my plate. I think about Monocycle and how I’ve abandoned/betrayed it and get kind of anxious, but I think it’s because I’m not thinking any new thoughts — it’s all one-note. I was working on a story about self-care last week and realized that all of my personal essays over the past two months have been about how to make myself happy/comfortable/better. It’s the same story over and over hiding behind various pegs (hypnosis, the Thought Process series, etc).
It sounds scary as hell because when nothing is new, nothing is changing either, and when nothing is changing, you’re stuck. And being stuck is painful. But I see the metaphor like this: I’ve been clutching a wall near the bottom of an emotional pit called rock-bottom for the past four months and have been trying so hard to crawl out when what I really need to do is just let myself fall, chill down there for a minute, and then, once I’ve relaxed, start trying to get out.
Or something like that.
So this episode is about why I’ve been quiet, but I guess it’s also about letting yourself feel how you feel and be how you are (isn’t it always?) and not getting so frustrated when you’re not where you thought you would be (see what I mean about the one-note thinking?).
Pls say you understand!