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Confounding Photos of Celebrities Posing Awkwardly With Animals

Who decided this was a good idea??

04.14.17
Laugh it the Fuck Off Month
Laugh it the Fuck Off Month

Nudity. Fish scales. Fame. What vision do these three words conjure in your mind? If your answer isn’t “typical celebrity photo shoot,” then you clearly have yet to peruse my new finsta account, A-List Animal Planet.

Don’t worry! It’s brand-new. Cool teens haven’t even found it yet.

Comfy !!

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The idea germinated a few months ago when I was flipping through the July issue of Harper’s Bazaar and found myself face-to-page with Emily Ratajkowski riding naked on the back of an equally naked horse, followed by another photo of her reclining on said horse with her arm propped on its rump. The corresponding article was fine and good but had absolutely nothing to do with horses, horseback riding, equestrianism, barns or even unicorns, so I found myself asking, where the horse burglar did the naked-horseback-riding concept come from?!

I guess I hadn’t been paying attention — because after that, I started noticing them everywhere. By “them,” I am referring to 100% real photos of celebrities looking extremely uncomfortable with or on top of animals.

“When a snake says, “Let’s have sex with just our eyes,” Zac Efron bats his eyelashes.

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These photos often include:

+Nudity because why not? (see: Emily Ratajkowski naked on a horse in Harper’s Bazaar July 2016, Miley Cyrus naked holding a pig in Paper Summer 2015 and Jennifer Lawrence naked in a pool with a cockateel in Vanity Fair November 2014.)

Truly, though, where does Miley Cyrus’s armpit begin and this pig’s lumbar region end? Trick question They Are One

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+Vaguely unnatural body language (see: A stiff-armed Paul Rudd in GQ April 2009 and Amanda Seyfried holding a duck while also seemingly holding in the urge to urinate in Elle April 2011.)

Girls night in

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+Incongruous sartorial choices (see: Matthew McConaughey wearing a snappy blazer and hanging out with a chill-looking vulture in Esquire February 2014.)

Modern businessman

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+Just plain wrongness (see: Kendall Jenner riding on top of a giant dog in V Magazine May 2015 and a giant dog riding on top of Leonardo DiCaprio in a mysterious publication I cannot locate despite intensive Googling.)

WHAT IS HAPPENING

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Cool slip n slide concept

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+Palpable awkwardness (see: all of the above)

When a fish says, "cradle me like a warm falafel pita," Helena Bonham Carter opens her arms wide.

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But, oddly(!), these photos never include:

+An explanation for why someone decided it would make sense to put a fish between Helena Bonham Carter’s legs or a pigeon on Lena Dunham’s head.

+Deep breathing techniques for all participants involved

+Any mention of April Fools’ Day or a major animal escape in Hollywood

Is that a bunny in your pocket or are you just happy your suit is maroon

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I considered the possibility that I was just…missing something. Maybe where I saw skin-crawling awkwardness and inexplicable prop styling, everyone else saw a gorgeous symphony of beast and man intertwined snout to snout, skin to fur (or scale) — a part-seduction, part-friendship of epic proportions, shattering taboos and societal preconceptions.

Maybe.

Victoria's Secret x Vetements probably

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I’m pretty sure that’s not the case, though. I feel comfortable speculating that a horseback riding/gynecological exam mashup is not the logical recipe for a balletic creative product. But I’ll let you be the judge. There are plenty where these came from, and I am more than willing to hand over A-List Animal Planet to the highest bidder. I need to free up my time for digging further unearthed weirdness from this delightful chocolate box we call life. You really never know what you’re gonna get.

Feature image by Jamie McCarthy via Getty Images.

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  • Aydan

    OMG LIKE WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?! They’re all sooo awk and those poor poor animals 🙁

  • WOW. I hate that pic of Kendall on the dog, like how old are you 5? LOVE the giant dog on Leo AND the woodland critters on Efron, whoever thought of that is a genius.

  • Hellbetty666

    I am going straight to Instagram. Hope that pic of Adam Driver with a baby goat is in there because reasons.

    • Harling Ross

      OH THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT. will add.

      • Hellbetty666

        I’m loving your Instagram page! Creepy and funny, my favourite things.

  • Hellbetty666

    HBC looks exquisitely beautiful though. Surely she is the only woman in the world who can pull off Inverse Mermaid?

    • Harling Ross

      hahahah inverse mermaid

  • Adrianna

    What stands out to me is how sexualized the women are with the animals. They are literally nude, and most of the time the animals is between their legs

  • Jenn K.

    There’s a lot to discuss here but what really jumped out at me is how much Miley Cyrus looks like Kristen Schaal. I had never noticed that before.

  • Natt

    I feel like Miley and the pig may have something to do with animal activism? I’ve heard she’s into that, but I might be wrong!! I can’t stop laughing at Zac Efron and the snake though haha

  • Bo

    These are all ridiculous with the exception of Matthew McConaughey, who is naturally magnificent in every way

  • Irene Bullock

    My favourite ever is Robert “Tea Hands” Pattinson cover for Vanity Fair, look how delicately he’s holding a crocodile! Credit for the Tea hands nickname goes to LaineyGossip and I’m forever grateful for that. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b1fe7e7c150bf42d446318c79eb05765d2bfda10a575787d8166dd9c9b0633be.jpg

  • I’m still having a hard time believing these are all real. They’re so awkward they look like those long memes of unfortunate photos that get photoshopped a millon different ways.

  • chouette

    Where is the Annie Liebovitz shot of young Leo with the swan? It’s actually probably the only photograph in the history of human consciousness that matters.

  • Lil

    All of these photos, especially the ones with female models, are so disturbing… Like is zoophilia being encouraged… I mean I know that’s a stretch, but like how is HBC naked with her legs around a fish, “artistic,” or ,”fashionable,” someone please explain……………

  • Meredith T