16 Women Describe Their Boobs in Haiku

Buckle your seatbelt. And bra.

04.17.17

I was not one of those tween-age girls who was dyinngggggg to get boobs. In fact, I straight-up refused to acknowledge their very obvious arrival on the scene that was my chest circa fifth grade. This was no easy feat considering my middle-school uniform shirts were made of thin, white, almost translucent cotton, but my two best friends were still flat as surfboards and I was the oldest of three girls, making me a lonesome pioneer in the puberty department. I blushed and glared at my mom whenever she gently suggested that I might like wearing a bra, huffily crossing my arms over the tender protrusions of my newly minted mosquito bites.

The irony that I am now writing publicly about my boobs 14 years later is not lost on me, but I’m happy to say I eventually made peace with their intrusion. I do wish they were smaller sometimes, or bigger, or perkier, or nipple-ier, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t trade them in for a different model. We’ve been through a lot, the three of us: a sunburn in a scalloped bikini, skinny dipping in a potentially contaminated river, weight fluctuations, the “pencil test” (Google it), one halter-top phase, two tube-top phases and a turtleneck love affair that won’t quit — to name a few highlights. It seems I’m not alone in this sentiment. We asked 16 women to wax poetic on their boobage via haiku, and the results are as deliciously weird and wonderful and varied as boobs tend to be themselves. Take a gander at our verbal peep show in the above slideshow and submit your own cleavage homage in the comments below.

OH AND P.S. THEY FEED HUMANS. That’s never not going to be cool.

Graphics by Emily Zirimis and Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

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  • Sam

    my mom calls them the
    pyramids of giza they
    look ancient, pointy

    • Harling Ross

      love this so much

  • Alice

    As the great Rebecca Bunch/Rachel Bloom once sang ” technically meant to feed a baby they’re just sacks of yellow fat”.

    My mother liked to announce to the world that my slouchy posture was due to them growing out early. I feel your pain Harling.

    • Harling Ross

      puberty announcements are not appreciated!!!

  • AC

    hahaha, Karolyn

  • Aubrey Green

    This is amazing.

  • they were always small
    late twenties, doubled in size
    life is just not fair

  • Lindsay Heyman

    Then suddenly, Ds.
    What to do with these big gals?
    Shimmy all damn day.

  • CityMaus

    Pregnant, overnight,
    B to double D they grew
    My brain still can’t comprehend.

    • Harling Ross

      the miracle of life!!!!!

  • deee_cue

    Inheriting my
    Mom’s “champagne flutes” has its perks
    Thank you, mother dear.

  • lily

    why didn’t you grow?
    little sis has huge boobies
    I am an “A” cup

  • Gene

    Too big since sprouting in grade four,
    Grudging companions forevermore.
    They’ve been up to G cup,
    Won’t complain about D cup!
    Didn’t appreciate those Bs in grade four.
    I think that’s more of a limerick…

    • Harling Ross

      limericks happily accepted in this club

  • moe with the big tits

    roses are red
    big tits suck
    the end

  • Leslie’s resonates with me deeply.

  • Katrina Elizabeth

    showed up way too soon
    hid them under big sweaters
    now i love them so

  • Antillanka

    B cups shouldn’t have
    Such a big pinky area,
    Throws off the balance

  • Maggie Lanham

    ’50s cone bras – yeah right!
    No thanks, Madonna!
    These gals hold their own.

  • Maggie Lanham

    Also, Haley’s really hits home. Preach!

  • tequilamockingbird

    college boyfriend gasped
    each time he saw them–a kind
    of fidelity

    🙁

  • tiabarbara

    they droop low sometimes
    my areolas are huge
    still wouldn’t trade them

  • Martha Pietruszewski

    snapping a bra strap
    boy! oh no you didn’t. damn
    look at me now tho

  • Hellbetty666

    Nipples like puppies’
    Noses; the pinkness belies
    Their dense heaviness

  • Hazel

    A mixed blessing
    A desired D Cup, And yet
    No backless dresses

  • right now they’re A cups
    sometimes they are C cups, please
    pick a size and stay

  • Love these, but have a serious question about slide 10 – how much hair is okay?? Can we have a boob health piece please 🙂
    Or do we already have one and I missed it?

  • Louis

    I prayed for days and days
    Now I cursed with Aunt dots tits
    Oh Es I pray thee Cs