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7 Bad Habits and What They Say About You

If your attention span doesn’t make it through this story, you might be a genius

03.01.17
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Contrary to what your Beyoncé merch says, you are not flawless. In fact, you’re almost nothing more than a skin-flavored barrel of flaws and so am I. This is a rather inconvenient truth that doesn’t lend itself well to dating profiles, but at least we’re all aboard the same leaky boat!

FREEZE FRAME: Or is it leaky?

Strap on those rose-colored goggles mermaids, because I have scientific proof, plus a variety of possibly alternative facts, to support the following claim: our flaws are just proof of our greatest qualities. Read on to find out why everything you do wrong is practically charity work.

Are you always late?

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Congratulations! Science says you’re super optimistic. It’s actually impressive how naive and hopeful you are literally every time you estimate how long you need! You are the embodiment of optimistic perseverance. Never give up.

Are you incapable of making a decision?

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Very cool that you see so many paths forward and are able to find the good in them. You’re so tolerant! Open-minded to all those different options and opinions! You’re the stuff of progressive dreams. Never make a decision again please, it’d almost be rude.

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” <– F. Scott Fitzgerald said that!

Are you messy af?

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You are so brave in your rejection of the formulaic status quo! You know what they say about desks: If a messy desk is proof of a chaotic mind, what then is an empty desk proof of? Or something like that. Anyway, science says you’re brave and spontaneous and inspirational, so let’s hang out. Don’t even clean first.

Are you easily distracted?

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Remember when you stopped loading the dishwasher halfway through because you were overcome by the need to research how Dippin’ Dots are made? You’re so fascinated by the world. Science says distracted people might have too much brain! You find so many things interesting and your proclivities are so diverse I bet you’re really fun to get drinks with.

Do you put shit off until the last minute?

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It’s actually incredible how you manage to come up with menial things to do when you’re under pressure. You’re the opposite of bored! You’re so inventive! Science says you’re creative. You should probably go to art school or throw some paint on a canvas or something after you finish that high-fidelity to do list of stuff you probably won’t get around to. You’re so great.

Are you soooooo lazy?

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You’re not actually averse to work, you’re just using all your energy on thinking. Science says laziness is a sign of high intelligence. Dumber people have to stay active for mental stimulation, but not you! You could just fucking sit there forever! How cool. Your mind is a playground!

Are you overly dramatic?

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You know who feels less than you? Roombas and newborn hamsters that look like Swedish fish and can’t even open their eyes! (Don’t Google it, trust me.) Also most people. So what if tame shit makes you gasp and thus startle everyone around you? You’re just feeling some shit! You have depth! I’d always pick your rollercoaster of a life over my Roomba’s. (I don’t actually have a Roomba but would take one if someone wants to #spon me.)

“Our suffering isn’t merely chaotic – a mark of failure, an error – it can be linked to admirable things…empathy, forgiveness, kindness, and focus.” <– philosopher Alain de Botton said that!

WAIT A MINUTE. Did I just prove your Beyoncé merch right? I take back my previous slander. Maybe you really are flawless.

Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt. 

Get more Humor ?
  • Ms. Ainee C. Beland

    Often time if late, it is because I like to tidy up prior to leaving the house as this makes me getting out of doors longer; even if only out for a short time. I am also not an optimist but realist and the pessimistic side of things. Thank you for sharing.

  • B

    What if I am all of these except lazy…

    • Haley Nahman

      lol

  • Thank u for validating all my Netflixin’

  • Molly D

    Justifying bad habits – my new favorite form of self-help!

    • I got paid 104,000 thousand dollars previous year by doing an on-line job a­­n­­d I did that by w­o­r­k­i­n­g part time f­o­r several hrs a day. I used an earning opportunity I came across from this website i found online and I am so happy that i was able to make so much extra income. It’s so user friendly a­­n­­d I’m so blessed that i learned about it. Here’s what I did… http://easyurl.net/f2265

    • Haley Nahman

      self care is v important

  • Merrynell

    “…but not you! You could just fucking sit there forever!” LOL! What does science say about sarcastic people?

  • ValiantlyVarnished

    Laziness as a sign of intelligence? I’ll take that. And I’ll take the one about being messy too.

    • Haley Nahman

      pls take them

  • Jessica Barthel

    So…what if I am all of the above? Do my flaws mean I’m actually perfect? Like, Einstein level genius? Never have I felt so good about not getting things done! Thanks Haley!

    • Haley Nahman

      Yes!

  • Or ÿou could just be ADD or ADHD, like moi.

    • Samara

      moi aussi

    • Alice

      Saaame. And with an (un)healthy dose of anxiety here.

  • I love this post! I feel so good about myself right now 🙂

  • Tammy

    What a delightful little article! Also delightful, I have just made the decision to go to art school and I happen to always put things off until last minute. So I feel like this kind of validated my decision??

    • Haley Nahman

      validated

  • I sit here in my office thinking about this all the time. 😂
    I like this post, it validates us

  • Angela Gentile

    Ok but what if I’m all of those things…

    • Haley Nahman

      youre so cool!

  • Meg S

    I feel like I have all of these habits and I’m not exactly sure what that says about me. I’ve always had my own drummer, so I guess that’s normal. But I did get one of those “standing” desks at work. Except I can turn it back into a “sitting” desk whenever I want. Not sure what that says about me.

  • Belle

    I am all of the above… I think that gets me superhero status, right?

    http://www.thislifeisbelle.com

  • Gabrielle

    this makes me feel A+ about myself, thanks Haley, knew you had my back

  • LOL I’m alwayzzzz late, and I was like OMG THANK YOU YES THAT MAKES SENSE I’M JUST OPTIMISTIC ABOUT MY TIME and then I realized this whole article is sarcastic bullshit! Well played, MR. I’m still gonna be late.

  • I think I’m all of those things, minus indecisive…at least, I think so? Now I feel so good about all my work flaws! Thanks!

    http://www.shessobright.com

  • Ann Lupet

    This is bs. Like the illustrations tho

  • Katia Luyo Angeles

    I felt so attacked, yet so complimented 🙁 ugh bad habits…

  • streats

    I love this so much. Thank you for overturning so many of my insecurities into positives. The style of this piece actually matches something I’ve been trying recently in an attempt to curb a bad habit of mine (getting annoyed at trivial shit) by giving things the benefit of the doubt and seeing the upside. Example: sitting at a cafe reading or working and a bunch of people laughing loudly and being raucous at the next table. Instead of my usual “omg I wish they’d shut up, I can’t concentrate, they’re ruining everything, how selfish!!!”, I’m trying “How cool that they’re having fun together. It’s amazing how the outside world disappears when you’re with your friends. I should get together with my mates this weekend. Yes. That’ll be fun”. It actually feels great