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Sunday Scaries Diaries: Gabby Katz Regrets Going Out on a School Night

So actually, this is a Monday Scaries diary

03.06.17

Welcome back to MR’s Sunday Scaries Diaries, where haunted humans chronicle their end-of-weekend terrors (plus the events that led up to them) to help make all of us feel a little less alone in the fetal position come Monday morning.

There’s a catch with this one: it’s actually a MONDAY Scaries Diary. Our dear host below had herself a Sunday Funday.

Monday, 7:10 a.m.: I set my alarm for this time because last night, I swore I’d go to the gym. I was not sober for this decision.

I spent the better part of my Sunday on the couch with my roommates, Martha and her dog Red, looking at the mess we were meant to clean. At around 3 p.m. I decided to go to the gym, which, by 3:45 p.m., devolved into meeting my friends at a sports bar. By 9 p.m., after my last tequila shot, I decided to take myself home. The rest is a slight blur including the reason for the early athletic wake-up.

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7:15 a.m.: I pass the critical moment where I could get up and decide it’s better to stay in bed to nurse the anxiety I drank through the night before. My Sunday nights typically consist of replaying every stupid thing I’ve done since age four in my head followed by obsessively deciding what I would wear should I ever go on Oprah and, then, thinking about everything I have to do for work and whatever dating crisis I’m working through. This process usually starts around 11 p.m. and ends around 2 a.m., then picks back up around 5 a.m., ending in time for me to fall asleep just before my alarm. I’m cramming all this into an hour and a half.

8:47 a.m.: I decide it’s time to get up. It’s when I have no time that I do the most dicking around. I try on two different pairs of pants and settle for the one pair I always think I like but then, halfway through the day, decide I hate and vow never to wear, until two months later when I repeat the cycle.

I actually look, and feel, a lot like Kate from Cutting Edge after she drank for the first time and threw herself at D.B Sweeney.

9:10 a.m.: I get coffee at The Elk across from my apartment and start the highlight of my day, which is walking to work. I like to listen to the same song about five times in a row while further angsting. I spend the 30-minute walk raging about Kellyanne Conway’s inability to answer a direct question and that weird couch pose she did that quickly became a meme.

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9:43 a.m.: I arrive, go through my emails and make a list on a Post-it of what I need to do. I then remember that it’s Monday and Reformation posts its new product today, so I immediately hit that up.

When it occurs to me that I don’t get paid until next week, I go somewhere bleaker than my bank account and try FoxNews.com. I visit it every day because I like to keep an eye on them. I get a text from my friend Alix which only reads the :I emoji. I scroll up and see that last night, I engaged in a political fight with our mutual pregnant friend’s Trump-supporting husband. Yikes. I decide I may want to actually do something I’m paid to.

10:03 a.m.: Further fuel the anxiety fire burning inside of me by trying to get organized for this upcoming Fashion Month.

10:15 a.m.: I have four bachelorette parties to go to this spring.

11:03 a.m.: Send an email to my co-workers and best friends Margo and John — subject, “Opt Out,” which explains that I’m hungry and will be ordering sushi promptly at 11:50 a.m. so it can get here by 12:30 p.m.

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12:23 p.m.: Food arrives. We sit in a glass conference room and John inquires if I’ve heard from this one sociopath I’ve been torturing myself with. When the answer is “NO OBVIOUSLY NO,” Margo tells me I should never speak to him again.

“Well it’s not like she has a choice!” John says. Lunch is done.

12:57 p.m.: Feeling dark from lunch, I text something stupid to someone I used to date over a year ago who now has a girlfriend. Because I’m evolved. I want to share this with three of my best friends along with my general darkness, but one is sending the group chat baby photos of her friend’s newborn and I just can’t follow that.

1:15 p.m.: Debate erasing the incredibly basic video I posted from the night before on Instagram.

1:17 p.m.: Debate calling my mom.

1:17:07 p.m.: Decide definitively not to call my mom.

1:20 p.m.: Hit the Wendy Williams “HOW YOU DOING” button that sits on my desk over and over. I can feel my team judging as I say “NOT GREAT, WENDY” each time.

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2:03 p.m.: Finish email from this morning.

2:27 p.m.: Get a text from my friend’s husband who I cyberbullied the night before. The situation did not get better after a night’s sleep, it turns out.

2:33 p.m.: One more piece of chocolate.

3:37 p.m.: Should I get eyelash extensions?

4:05 p.m.: Resolve to go back to Refine Method classes tomorrow. I haven’t been in three weeks, mostly because my card had a fraud alert and I haven’t mustered the emotional energy to change my account information. It’s a fun game I like to play with myself: see how long I can go without doing something, especially where money’s involved. I’m currently doing this dance with Verizon. I plan on paying eventually, while listening to Sinatra’s “My Way.”

4:15 p.m.: After attempting on both the app and online, I resort to calling a human to book my class, which defeats the purpose of living in a world run by robots.

5:20 p.m.: Margo sends me an article written by InStyle EIC Laura Brown’s hot younger boyfriend about being her hot younger boyfriend. I have a crush on Laura and this story now makes me feel less dark about the lunch conversation. He’s a comedian, which leads me to mull dating a comedian. A Colin Jost type? Actually, just Colin Jost.

5:34 p.m.: Colin Jost and I are dating.

5:58 p.m.: Receive a random text: “Sorry, never saw this. It’s Austin from summer Tinder. It was a drunk text.” This is interesting for a couple of different reasons. 1. I’m not on Tinder, nor was I this summer. 2. He apparently texted me on January 9th, “Hey You,” and when I asked who he was…it took him until today to respond with that.

6:03 p.m.: Maybe I should pull an Austin and direct message Colin Jost on Instagram.

6:12 p.m.: John comes over to my desk to help me try to find Austin. He texted me from his iCloud account so I have his last name. When Google yields a man with long black hair in a vest holding a stuffed dead owl, I call it.

6:23 p.m.: Resolve to give up dating, drinking, Instagram, Colin Jost and politics and instead go to the gym as I leave work.

6:31 p.m.: It’s beginning to hail-rain, which is comforting because I like when the weather matches my mood.

6:44 p.m.: As I wait for the elevator to go to the locker room, I receive a text from my uncle to me, my aunt, my roommate Martha and his friend: “Burgers and martinis?” My aunt and uncle moved a few blocks away from me, which is great since I hang out with them more than my other friends. If I had received this text five minutes earlier, I would not currently be at the elevator of my gym.

7:03 p.m.: The machine I’m using just shuts down.

7:15 p.m.: The other machine I’m using just shuts down. This is totally fine since I go to Equinox and obviously that doesn’t cost any money. COMMIT TO SOMETHING LIKE WORKING MACHINES, EQUINOX.

7:30 p.m.: I’m done. The universe is against me and there is a martini in my future.

7:38 p.m.: It’s pouring rain and I’m a child so I don’t have an umbrella. My forehead is frozen, my coat is not waterproof and my ankles are exposed. When I walk into the restaurant my aunt asks me where my umbrella is. I lie and say it broke on the walk over here.

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8:40 p.m.: Martha finally shows up, which means I have to have another martini. This is also the first time we’ve spoken today since she has been busy at work and I was busy mitigating a 12-hour-long anxiety attack. She reminds me that she has a family obligation tomorrow and I agreed to watch the dog overnight. Need another martini.

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10:11 p.m.: My aunt reluctantly gives me her umbrella because she is horrified both Martha and I don’t own one. Martha says we should take a cab. I remind her we live five blocks away and that would be pathetic.

10:40 p.m.: In bed, finally feeling better. Maybe I got all the angst out. I make a few mental notes about the rest of the day for this diary, which results in deeper self-reflection that I spent more time debating working out than actually working out, ordered sushi, took two selfies, potentially made my friend’s husband cry and entered and ended a fake relationship with a TV writer. Tomorrow is another day.

Feature illustration by Emily Zirimis.

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  • Abby

    Ugh I went out the for the first time in FOREVER this weekend and let me tell you I am relating to this diary more than I want to.

  • tmm16

    “By 9 p.m., after my last tequila shot, I decided to take myself home.”

    Replace the 9 p.m. with a 1 a.m. and that was my Friday night. That sushi is now making me crave sushi even though I ate 6 sushi rolls in total this weekend.

  • wow i’ve never identified with anything so much. i feel all that.

    • hi_itsgabby

      it helps to find light in the darkness, no?

      • political DGA is the worst kind of DGA cause you’re like ok ugh who did i call a fascist last night and did i accidentally donate my entire life savings to planned parenthood?!

        dga= drunk girl anxiety

  • Catherine

    I have literally never commented on a MR story in all my time lurking around this website (a lot of time, too much time). However, I’ve broken this streak of silence to say that this is the best and most relatable thing I’ve read on the internet possibly ever and the Colin Jost is adorable. That is all.

  • Natalie

    SO good.

  • Grace B

    i loved this.

  • Erica H

    This is great! “I go somewhere bleaker than my bank account and try FoxNews.com”. So good.

    • hi_itsgabby

      my bank account is as dark as DT’s twitter feed right now. Thanks for reading!

  • Madison Grace

    honestly these articles on man repeller are my fave and always will be. much love

    madison xo

    MY BLOG: http://www.bymybedside.com
    check it out (pls?) but tbh you should probably just stay on MR because they’re bae

    • hi_itsgabby

      thank you, appreciate that!

  • Meg S

    If you’re going to have a fake relationship with a TV writer, Colin Jost is a good choice.

  • LGMO

    This made my whole Tuesday. I, too, tend to drunkenly rail on Trump supporters. With my scathing grammar and history lessons. I laughed so hard reading this.

  • lily

    this was deeply relatable. thank you

  • Kelsey Moody

    Never have I appreciated a Cutting Edge reference as much as the 847am outfit description, Kate’s hangover attire is chic, no shame my friend. #toepick

  • G De Siena

    This was #relatable

    Best Sunday/Monday scaries post to date

  • Sarah Mehmood

    Oh
    Now you can send gifts to your love once in Pakistan via
    Gift4Pakistan.
    Send Cakes to Pakistan
    Send Flowers to Pakistan
    Send Toys to Pakistan