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This App That Lets Strangers Rate My Appearance Is What Was Missing From My Life

I’m just so happy it exists

03.20.17
Attractiveness-Factor-Man-Repeller-Rating-Looks

Tired of the careful, couched feedback you’ve been getting around how beautiful people think you are? Want the real honest truth about where you fall on the 1-10 scale? Download Spontana, the newest disturbing scar on the arc of modern narcissism. Blatantly branded in the same chunky cursive as Instagram, Spontana enables you to upload selfies to a band of altruistic strangers who will tell you how good looking they think you are. Say goodbye to reading into your Like/Comment statistics on IG and say hello to your official, totally objective beauty grade.

“The role of Spontana is to satisfy your desire of getting feedback on what different people think about your current look,” says the app’s site, literally answering our prayers.

It’s important to satisfy this particular desire, which stems from the patriarchal paradigm that did us the favor of defining feminine beauty and then demanding we all value it, invest in it and worship it. I’m grateful someone found a way to capitalize on this particular gap in the market and am excited to come to terms with what other Spontana users think of my nose.

If you, too, are eager to double down on how much you care about what people think of your face, I recommend you climb aboard. For a sneak peek into what it’s actually like, read about tech writer Daniel Cooper’s experience with the app here.

“[I]f the subject comes up in conversation, I’ll joke that, on a hypothetical scale, I’m a ‘four … in bad light,'” says Cooper, a light-hearted man who is able to find the humor in the 1 to 10 scale. “The internet, however, has enabled me to find out precisely how other people rate my attractiveness. It’s been a fun week.”

(It could be a fun week for you, too!)

Sorry to spoil the surprise, but Cooper is a 59.8/100. While he initially describes himself as “gripped by the buzz” incited by the app, he goes on to admit it’s all, “incredibly messed up when you think about it.” Eventually Cooper goes on to rate others, at which point he employs the charitable approach of “gently inflating” scores for those he finds less attractive to “cushion the blow.”

I’m sure Cooper is just one of many humanitarians you can expect to find on Spontana, the app that helps us discover how a smattering of Internet people feel about our chins. Tired of not feeling objectified enough? Relief is on the way!

Illustration by GraphicaArtis via Getty Images; collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

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  • dietcokehead

    Oh tight so glad HotOrNot is back

    • Peter

      right how will i know which pic will get me the most myspace friends without hotornot + feedback from my buddy list on aim

  • Gonna go ahead and give this app a general, all-around rating of Nope.

    • Ana Balenovic

      I agree.
      How awful, in my opinion ! Like??? Firstly, it’s none of a ‘strangers’ business to be commenting about anything about another person.
      And second like get a life too, bro.
      No one would be using this app on me, that’s for sure. Sorry, but this is not a go for me in what I support.

    • ‘1-10’ scale. Ugh.

  • Hellbetty666

    This seems incredibly stressful. If I want to know how strangers feel about my look, I’ll just go outside – frankly, they’ve never been backward in coming forward with comments about my style/appearance.

  • Robin

    I can’t deny I was like ‘whats it called’ so i could get it. For a sec. Then I realized how distuuurbeddd this is

  • Is there a “but my mom said I was special!” button on each profile to “soften the blow” further? This is so disturbing…

  • Morgan Siggard

    Makes me think of that episode of Black Mirror with Bryce Dallas Howard in it where everyone rates other people (on looks, polish, positivity, politeness) and then their ratings–good or bad– affect their day to day lives. It was chilling. It seems rather cruel to have people rate your face or physical appearance since you can’t change them (apart from serious cosmetic surgeries–of which I hope I never feel the need to take part in). For people whose self esteem can handle anonymous ratings– more power to yah! Personally, I don’t need social media induced issues to discuss with my therapist.

  • coolgirl

    Reinforcement of euro-centric standards of beauty in three, two, ….

  • Lou

    I’m sick of this kind of writing.

  • EmilyWilson

    I love Haley’s Sarcasm Series so much; the irony is pitch perfect. I always start reading thinking it’s serious and I’m slightly disturbed, but I’ve been catching on more quickly with each article. I think that humor is one of the most effective ways of deconstructing deeply entrenched -isms.

  • G De Siena

    Sounds very Black Mirrror-y O.o

  • Vicky Alvarez

    I am actually genuinely curious to find out how I would do on this app. But then I would lose several points, because there is nothing more beautiful than love and self respect.

  • ashley

    jesus h