To say I gobble up profiles about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would be to greatly underestimate the unattractive fervor with which I consume them. Like any 1989-born millennial female (copyright Taylor Swift), I simply can’t get enough. No detail is inconsequential.
Of course, I was not born an MKA monster. They created me. I may be an account-carrying member of the over-exposed, ultra-authentic-slash-fake social-media generation, but even I know the ultimate source of power is mystery. Mary-Kate and Ashley made fiends out of all of us the moment they stopped gallivanting around New York in baggy coats with XXXL Starbucks cups and left us to fill in the gaping blanks. Hunger for Olsen details is now pop-culture status quo. Luckily, they still have to do publicity for The Row and Elizabeth and James every once in a while, which means we’re offered restorative glimpses into their lives to get us through the imminent and proverbial MKA cold fronts.
Today’s said glimpse was procured by way of this profile, freshly published in Net-a-Porter’s The EDIT. I absorbed the piece with clear eyes and a full heart thanks to my body shutting down all other senses while reading it. As a result, I learned a lot, maybe The Secret. Should you find yourself power hungry today, I’ve done you the favor of using said MKA learnings to build you a to-do list of sorts.
Only be photographed twice a year
“[B]eing photographed is outside of their comfort zone these days,” writes The EDIT‘s Emma Sells, “something they do just once or twice a year.”
As a wise, fake young Pope played by a handsome Jude Law once said: “Do you know what it is, the invisible red thread that connects the most important figures in their respective fields? None of them let themselves be seen. None of them let themselves be photographed.”
Do keep this in mind next time you’re in the presence of a photograph-capturing device.
Plan out literally every minute of your day
“We’re very organized; every minute is accounted for,” one of the twins told Sells, not sure which. If you’re an 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. kinda gal, that’s 900 minutes to individually plan. This means you should probably close Man Repeller and get back to work (“I think we’re lucky [working hard] comes quite naturally for us,” says Mary-Kate). Hop to it!
Never take a vacation
“I’ve always been a worker,” says Ashley. “It has taken me a lot to figure out how to take a vacation.” You know what that’s code for! Get back to work.
Marry an older man; acquire two step-children
This is going to be key: find an older man. Keep the relationship shrouded in secrecy save for a few sporting events during which awkward photos are taken that confound everyone. Marry. Adopt his children. Have a life. (Run successful businesses, make billions.) Go home. Cook dinner.
“…I have a husband, two step-kids and a life; I have to go home and cook dinner,” says Mary-Kate.
Never sit and ponder
Never, under any circumstances, lay around and ruminate. This will just slow you down! “We don’t need so much time to sit and think and ponder,” says Mary-Kate. They are too busy being busy! See Step #2.
Ride horses on the weekend
“I ride horses on the weekends,” says married stepmother Mary-Kate. “You find the thing that helps you relax and if you don’t have it, you have to look for it.” This one’s tricky. I happen to know an avid horseback rider named Amelia Diamond who’s almost constantly stressed, but maybe she needs to follow Step #4 to reap maximum horse benefits.
Delete all social media
“We don’t have Instagram or Facebook,” says Ashley. “So we’ve never been connected to our customers or our fans in that way. We’ve stayed quite sheltered.” The only thing cooler than having tons of followers is having no followers.
Go to two fittings a week for 15 years
“We’ve been in so many fittings,” says Ashley. “We used to do two a week for 15 years.” This is how they learned so much about cut, fit and proportion. Going to your tailor twice a week may seem unnecessary/ruin your reputation, but just imagine the fashion conglomerate on your horizon.
Wear pants that never wrinkle
“I’m wearing these pants today and all I keep thinking is: how haven’t they wrinkled yet?” ponders Mary-Kate. It’s a good question. Maybe buy her pants from Elizabeth and James just to be safe. Wrinkles mean failure.
Buy Dr. Martens
“They lean towards giving the prettier pieces in their collection a grungier slant with a belt and clompy boots (they’re both really into Dr. Martens right now),” writes Emma. Boots from The Row will set you back more than $1500, but Dr. Martens are under $200. Small price to pay for fame and virtue.
Bonus: Procure a twin.
This is extra-curricular as I know it will be difficult, maybe impossible. But just imagine if one day, you and your business partner’s age could be formatted efficiently, as seen here: “Ashley and Mary-Kate, 30, are happier to be talking than posing…”
Photos by Taylor Hill/FilmMagic and Raymond Hall/GC Images via Getty Images.