911! MR By Man Repeller Shoe Collection II is Here
Plus six ways to wear them
#1. It is so much easier to write about other people’s shit. When you’re writing about stuff someone else has made you can be as galvanizing (or aggrandizing) as you want without having to wonder if it appears as though you’re blowing steam up your own ass.
#2. The fact that I’m worried about blowing steam up my own ass indicates that being a woman is even more challenging in its nuances that I think it is! And I don’t necessarily consider it a walk in the park. Reason being that I am monitoring my self-deprecation meter in order to make sure that I am being neither too vulgar nor too self-complimentary.
#3. I am pretty positive that if I spend enough time thinking about what constitutes a healthy dose of self-deprecation, I will come to the determination that I overspend my self-dep dramatically, which will then turn into a conversation about whether that is because I am a woman.
#4. This will only happen because the political climate is turning me into an absolutist. Everything that happens is now man vs. woman in my head. “Would this be the case if I were a man?” I never used to ask myself this! Now that I do, I fear I’m assuming too much responsibility for these “women’s issues,” which are actually HUMAN issues. All people! Because, really, all self-professed humorists, gender notwithstanding, are self-deprecating. No?
Which brings me to the finale thought:
#5. I fucking love these shoes. I think I did a damn good job with them. Especially these ones:
Now, here are six ways to wear them.
Like you’re picking tomatoes from a forest that grows tomatoes:
Everyone thinks the joke’s on us because we’re wearing white jeans in a forest, but the dress is concealing kneepads to keep our knees both safe and clean.
Like you have straight-up had it with tops:
Your boobs are starved for attention! Do you blame them? I don’t.
Like you have straight-up had it with bottoms:
By the way! These lace ups can also be tied into bows behind the shoe if you just feel like wearing a slingback.
For a paintball tournament:
One word: camouflage.
When you want to feel like a school teacher on summer break:
For a walk in the park:
Or the desert, whatev — UGH: Would I assume the park is a metaphor for a desert if I wasn’t a woman??? Just kidding!