On
from
pinterest
A Theory About Millennials You Haven’t Heard Before

A controversial think piece worth sharing on Twitter

03.15.17
A-Theory-About-Millennials-You-Haven't-Heard-Before-Man-Repeller-Satire-Feature

Awarding millennial children trophies for merely participating in sports was the first of many misguided cultural practices that would ultimately lead to the demise of an entire generation. In school, they were told they could do anything they wanted; they were told they were smart and capable and entitled to the world. In a result that surprised everyone but shouldn’t have, a generation raised to get high on its own esteem grew into a bunch of lost adults who are both disappointed by reality and incapable of taking responsibility for their role in it. Go figure.

The rise of the internet and technology certainly didn’t help. Full conversations have been reduced to text messages, personalities to avatars and online brands. Human interaction has been sacrificed over and over at the altar of convenience. All character-building friction has been sanded off the everyday millennial experience, leaving ease-obsessed blobs where able-bodied adults once reigned.

Bred from this new online paradigm is the tendency to quantify value around superficial measures like beauty, money, fame and followers instead of homegrown morals like kindness, self-discipline and hard work. As a result, narcissism runs rampant. And so, off they go – into college, the working world, grown-up spaces — their self-esteem an intoxicating mixture of stratospheric and non-existent, their need for external validation at an all-time high, their ideals based on an unrealistic fantasy and their skills a useless mixture of emoji murals and wanting a life other than their own.

The most concerning part of it all, though, is that so many of us have failed to identify the crux of the millennial problem, which is that they are harvesting human organs off the coast of south Florida and living off the blood to survive. When I first heard about this new trend in 2008, I thought, “Honestly, that’s the least of it.” But as the years have passed, it’s become increasingly clear that their vampiric diet is at the center of all their problems.

While details of the organ mill are under wraps and tricky to track down, I have been watching millennials closely and can confirm its existence by way of the blood-filled Klean Kanteens carabiner’d to their mom jeans and track pants. What remains to be uncovered — and ought to be of utmost concern to all citizens of Earth — is whose organs they are harvesting. Some theorize they’re stolen from the bodies of Generation Z teens who have less than 100 followers, others claim they’re plucking healthy Baby Boomers straight out of retirement and bringing them to their labs under the guise of “research.” All we can safely conclude at this point is that millennials are dangerous, perhaps more so than any other group of people on Earth.

To stand by and allow 30% of our planet’s population to thrive, contribute to our economy, make art, use their voices to move culture forward, continue to value innovation over tradition and harvest organs off the coast of south Florida for blood smoothies, is to stand by and watch civilization as we know it crumble.

Please retweet if you agree.

Collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt; photographs via Getty Images.

Get more Humor ?
  • Whitney
    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahahah

      • Whitney

        🙂

  • Courtney Cooper

    Lmao…um ok

  • Natalalaa

    well, that escalated quickly

  • Caroline Kloster

    millenials write really good satires

  • Emma

    the first part of it actually got me all teared up because its so depressing how vain and stupid we are (I am)….. superfun piece though (of course!)

  • meme

    Oh you sazzy

  • Caro A

    OMFG

    • Caro A

      i’m so happy

      • Caro A

        please excuse me while I go make myself a latte with my aeropress and fucking milk frother (tastes amazing) and sip it in a state of paralyzing anxiety because of the story ive written in my head about my lack of skills and potentially lackluster future. What? Idk.

  • Jennifer

    Hah! You really had me there for while! 😉

  • Lacey Bergevin

    dang! i thought this was going to be an article I could share so that my annoying millennial co-worker could see it and ponder why i posted it

  • Leyla

    Definitely my favorite piece on Millennials

  • Sabletoothtigre

    Hahahaha x 1000

  • Michelle MP

    Typo/Error: “alter” was used in place of “altar”

    • kevynryan

      also it’s fewer, not less than 100 followers, but girlfriend can write her ass off

  • For all I know it was my generation who invented your kreature komforts. Klean Kanteens & co. 🙂

  • Mary Hickok

    ugh we all knew this was the inevitable result of hookup culture

  • SpiritAndCourage

    So that’s what Moon Juice is.

  • Haley, you’ve betrayed your generation! Now the whole world will catch on to our need for affirmation, meaningful human connections and Baby Boomer organs.

  • FlexMami

    Hahahah, I am SHOOK!!

    On a slightly related note, I sat down with author Simon Sinek on ~behalf~ of MTV Australia to talk about if Millennial’s are really fucked if you’re interested: https://facebook.com/MTVAUSTRALIA/videos/10155165636358993/

    • Jillian Swisher

      Great interview! I was referring to another interview, though

  • Jillian Swisher

    Funny but the intro to this article sounds exactly like Simon Sinek’s words….slightly plagiarized. It could have been so good if Sinek’s millennial description wasn’t used

    • Haley Nahman

      I’m not even familiar with Sinek!!! *slurps blood* (but seriously)

      • Jillian Swisher

        I was partly kidding, btw. Just illustrating how repetitive definitions of millennials are getting. When will people stop putting our generation under a microscope and let us drink blood? Keep up the great work.

  • Alison

    I heard that Hilary Clinton’s DC pizza parlour uses those organs.

  • Cmxx

    This has such an undertone of Swift’s Modest Proposal and I love it

  • Kateland Kes

    My only critique is that this escalated a little too deep into the reading, and it lost me early on. (obvi annoyed.) then I saw Haley wrote it and I was like no… Moral of the story millennials don’t have attention spans, and I should have more faith in MR!!!

  • Lindsay D

    baby boomers raised us ! why can’t they take some responsibility …. oh there I go again not taking responsibility.

    nice job Haley!

  • Wait – is this article a total joke at the expense of us Millennials who don’t read the full article due to short attention spans? HAHAHA NOT TODAY I READ THE WHOLE THING. But Only after I saw how short it was.

  • kevynryan

    If i had a nickel for every expertly articulated op ed on this frankly *old news* issue of human organ harvesting (I’m from Florida) – I’d be…I’d be broke.

  • Dymond Moore

    Haha this is great! As I was reading I was very confuzzled on how this made it to MR, but THEN! Also, quick q. How are millenials blood drinkers when half of them are wannabe vegans? Lol
    http://www.thechicmachine.com

    • That’s the cover story. Distraction technique. blood drinkers for life.

  • Michaela Whitney

    Is that the other meat or what the younger kids call juicing? I’m seriously missing out.

  • Ciccollina

    I love you MR but I’m really over the joke articles. Every time I open something only to find a joke article it feels more and more like clickbait.

  • Autumn

    Have you been watching “The Santa Clarita Diet”?

  • Dr.Amy

    As an Gen-X member who enjoys this blog, I found this extremely disappointing. This writing is typical of an angry 20-something who feels it is the world’s fault (not their own) that the world treats them badly.

    • Leandra Medine

      That’s how it read to you? This was a satire! We were poking fun at ourselves

  • robin

    Laughed my butt off. Had to write a blog post today for our CMO on this very topic and I think your theory has legs! Cut off the body, but still!