I Wore Fake Nipples Like Samantha Jones for a Week

For journalism

03.10.17

The first thing that crossed my mind when Samantha Jones passed around her fake nipples at a cocktail party was the question of adhesion. Did they stick to the skin like Band-Aids or was there a suction-cup element?

The next queries were ones of practicality and logistics: Couldn’t you just as easily wear your own nipples? If you were to remove your shirt in front of someone who might not know there was something other than a bra accessorizing your northern region, would you have to give a courtesy heads up? Are they portable? Washable? Reusable? Where do you store them? But I never once wondered “what is the point,” because there are two points — left and right — staring at this screen right now as I type.

For one week and three days longer than I even meant to, I wore fake nipples for the sake of an article, quickly finding that I felt naked without them.

You must have so many questions!

These fake nipples — far prettier than the ones that Miranda Hobbes borrowed from Sam, with pearls in the center of fabric, flower-shaped areolas — came to me by way of my friend Molly Borman, the brain behind “Just Nips for All.” She started making the nipples for aesthetic purposes/a conversation starter with the future goal of parlaying Just Nips for All into a community of women who celebrate their bodies. I’m down with body celebration and think the idea of fake nipples is hilarious. That tends to be enough to get me to try something.

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They come in two colors (white for light tops, black for dark shirts in the presence of camera flashes) and two sizes (“cold” and “freezing”). You can wear them sans bra, over your own nipples if you want the look but prefer extra coverage under sheer tops. Or, you can do as I did: a bra-wearer through-and-through (I like my chest up-and-at-em, thank you), I stuck the petals to a pink balconette that I was otherwise ready to retire. I also plucked the top pearls off their bases for a rounded rather than pointy effect. Following that, I got dressed and entered the wild.

My first few experiments were conducted in New York City. Lev, my roommate, was the first person who I consulted. He’s the kind of friend who says things like, “That outfit is…interesting,” and, “you look like a pirate going clubbing.” The nipples baffled him.

“I have never encountered this before,” he told me.

“Nipples?” I asked.

(He’s seen nipples before, he clarified.) “I’ve never had a friend ask me what I thought of them.”

I had a date that night and Lev told me that the nipples plus the original shirt I was wearing — pink and very fitted — was “kind of aggressive.” He doesn’t like to say these kinds of things because he is very sex- and body-positive! “But yeah, it’s a little distracting.” He was right, and I wasn’t wearing these to snag leering men, so I changed into a less obvious option. My date did not comment and I’m not trying to Taylor Swift my dates, so for this particular anecdote, the end! However, to answer what I wondered of Samantha Jones’ artificial variety:

+ They stick like Band-Aids to skin and fabric.
+ Yes, of course you could wear your own if you wanted.
+ I would give someone a heads up before getting naked, situation depending. You do what feels best.
+ They’re not reusable if you attach them to skin but they stayed put on my bra marvelously.

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The nipples made their very grand debut at Man Repeller’s internal breakfast to celebrate the launch of our pop-up shop. I wore a tight red shirt; no hiding them on this day. I announced their presence to every single member of Team MR mere seconds after I asked them to consider if they, “noticed anything different about me.” Everyone agreed they really were something. That night, I wore them to our launch party. Friends in attendance who worked in the industry told me they hadn’t noticed the second set of eyes watching them (no one wears bras in this crowd and exposed nipples might as well be noses on the runway). They mostly wondered why I was also wearing a bra, to which I was like, let me live my life.

It was most obvious on the street while running errands. No one was pervy about the nips, but I watched as eyes dropped to my chest and then quickly back up again, followed by really intense, overly polite eye contact — the kind I imagine colleagues who wind up in those Russian bath houses naked together by accident might make.

I took the nipples to Paris for Fashion Week. No surprise: no one commented, no one’s eyes drifted, no one cared. I called all of the attention to them and invited friends to poke the pearls while we waited for shows to begin. I explained that I prefer support but like the look of a bare chest, hence the nips, and they agreed this was a neat solution. A few said they wanted to try them.

On my final day, I wore a top that looks better without a bra. I left my jacket at home, it was cold, you could tell. I was so much more comfortable than I’ve ever been before in that situation. It felt like, HELLO WORLD. The pearls were like exhibitionist-light training wheels. Without the pearlescent protection over two of my prized possessions, I was certainly more vulnerable. I couldn’t hide behind novelty or the punchline of a story. Is this what they mean when they say authentic?

But here I am, writing about fake nipples on an airplane in a giant sweater, on my way home to greet an empty apartment, and purely for fun, I am wearing a pair. Proof that everything is a canvas for superfluous accessories? Sure, why not. It’s also a good reminder that there doesn’t have to be a point to everything. Not if there’s two of them.

iPhone photos by Amelia Diamond; product photos by Tory Rust.

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  • Hellbetty666

    I don’t know who Samantha Jones is, I’m not sure why fake nips are shaped like flowers, the pearls are a classy touch, and I like the packaging, but I’m very confused about all of this. SO CONFUSED.

    The first photo with the red shirt is stunning though!

  • Molly Borman

    LOVE!!!!!! Chicest of the chic!!

  • Notorious RBG

    So cool! Love these!

  • me

    “Lev told me that the nipples…was “kind of aggressive.”

    HAH!

    p.s. So, how was the date?? Please? At least spill re what drink(s) you ordered … : )

    • I got paid 104 thousand bucks last year by working from my house a­­n­­d I manage to accomplish that by w­o­r­k­i­n­g part-time f­o­r few hours /daily. I was following work model I found on-line and I am excited that i earned so much money. It’s very beginner-friendly a­n­d I’m just so happy that i found it. Here’s what I did… http://s.id/2hh

    • john.wright.92@mail.ru

      I was paid 104000 dollars in last twelve months by freelancing online a­n­d I was able to do it by wor­king part-time f­o­r 3 or sometimes more hours a day. I followed a money making model I was introduced by this web-site i found on-line and I am so thrilled that i was able to make so much money on the side. It’s beginner-friendly a­­n­­d I am just so happy that i found this. This is what i did… http://www.wzurl.me/tPSR1w

  • fluffinella

    This is hilarious! Also, As a person with very, very, VERRRY flat nipples, I’m more than intrigued!

  • I’m intrigued…I’m the size that going braless is a possibility, but I hate the way my nips look when it’s not below freezing. Point(s) taken.

    • YES! SAME! I’m a 34B and they look lovely sometimes but depending on weather conditions they can also be little blobs with no definition (not cute)

    • hannah

      i feel u sis

  • tmm16

    All I have to say is:

  • Harling Ross

    the taylor swift reference might be the hero sentence of this piece. lots of contenders though.

  • Rachael

    Never would have thought of a product like this but I am definitely intrigued. I would love to go braless in public but as a 34D, my boobs don’t look cute and perky when I don’t wear one. However, possibly wearing a bralette + fake nipples would be a nice compromise for me.

    • Angela Gentile

      I was thinking the same thing. Its so weird but I guess I never knew I needed them?

  • But I never once wondered “what is the point,” because there are two points — left and right — staring at this screen right now as I type. – thank you Amelia

  • Amelia you look like a HOT TAMALE. The pointy nipples are seamless! Are you going to keep wearing them? Have you gotten to the point where they’re nbd or is it like wearing fancy undies that make mundane days feel special?

  • 🙂
    (can’t hide mine in a bra so I guess I am getting the cheaper version again)

    One of these days I am going to ride that TGV to Paris just to say Hi, Amelia. I will.

  • These are super fascinating to me because even though I have significant boobage, my nipples rarely become… noticeable… even if I’m braless or in a light balconette bra. And maybe I’ve been binge-watching Friends too much, but I really love the look of nipples slightly protruding through tees. Maybe I sound crazy?

  • But I never once wondered “what is the point,” because there are two points — left and right — staring at this screen right now as I type.

    Hilarious article!

  • Veronica Wilkins

    Is it just me, or do you guys read Leandra and Amelia’s articles in their distinct voices? I do and I love it.

  • Hi Amelia,

    I have to ask you something. Why would anyone wear fake nipples? Is it an expression of freedom? I want to know the reason behind someone coming up with this product. What is the meaning?

    • Siri Diane

      Have you ever seen Jennifer Aniston?

  • Senka

    I hate, both my boobs and my nipples. I think they are impossible to dress in a fashionable, cool, chic way. I think they are a nuisance in general. Mine are like 34 B or C, but I hated them even when they were closer to A cup and I could pull of wearing just a little triangle bralette. It all goes worse after the big 30 :(.
    I am trying to be body possitive, and I manage to think that some women carry their ample chests with such poise, but I can’t make peace with mine. I don’t seem very shy at first, but if my nipples were to take somewhat more prominent stage in my everyday life, I’d probably stutter and blush perpetually.

  • Angela Gentile

    I didnt realize I would want them this much. I just want to try it. It sounds exciting.

  • Michael Moran

    You people are weird