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I Tried Living Like Gwyneth Paltrow and Barely Lasted 3 Days

I don’t like goat milk enough

03.20.17
MR Diets Gwyneth Paltrow Harling Man Repeller 2978
MR Diets
MR Diets

The first thing I do when I embark upon my intrepid mission to live like Gwyneth Paltrow is to part my hair severely down the middle — GPal’s signature style. The second thing I do is look in the mirror and immediately regret convincing myself a mere three days ago that I could hold off on scheduling an appointment for highlights until May. How daft.

MR diets gwyneth paltrow harling man repeller 2

I shake my dishwater strands and map out a game plan. I know I can’t simply live “like Gwyneth Paltrow,” because who is Gwyneth Paltrow, really? One day she’s drinking goat milk and waxing poetic about flowering zucchini plants in her garden, and the next she’s smoking cigarettes and getting laser treatments. She would rather do crack than eat cheese from a can, but claims her favorite airport snack is Doritos.

Gwyneth contains multitudes. Too complex to reduce to a single flavor profile, she is the umami walnut of public figures, and I am the latest plebeian nutcracker in a long string of admirers. To cover as much Gwyneth as possible and still keep things digestible, I decide to break her persona into three bite-sized chunks: “My body is a temple” Gwyneth, “Clickbait” Gwyneth and “Cool-girl” Gwyneth. If you are wondering how on earth these seemingly disparate personas can possibly exist inside one single human, let me answer your question with another question: Are we 100% sure Gwyneth Paltrow is human?

DAY 1: “MY BODY IS A TEMPLE” GWYNETH

There is a blog post on Goop with a feature image of an adorable goat nestled inside a rustic bucket. Its headline reads: “You Probably Have a Parasite — Here’s What to Do About It.”

What follows is a delightful Q&A in which Santa Fe-based naturopathic physician and homeopath Dr. Linda Lancaster prescribes goat milk to draw your probable parasite out, which explains the eight-day goat-milk cleanse Gwyneth referenced in her January Women’s Health cover story.

MR diets gwyneth paltrow harling man repeller 3

“You can get goat’s milk at most health food stores, but if patients have access to safe, raw goat’s milk, that’s the ideal,” says Dr. Lancaster. My local goat is on vacation as of this writing, so that rules out raw milk. Rats! I go to Whole Foods before work and purchase a small bottle of Coach Farm Yo-Go Plain Cultured Goat Milk — regrettably not fresh from a teat, but “additive-free” nonetheless. I take two contemplative sips and immediately decide goat milk is not going to be the only thing entering my esophagus today. I remain determined to keep treating my body like a Paltrow-blessed temple for at least 24 hours and decide to pivot to one of her slightly less-punishing detox plans. (I’m pretty fond of my probable parasite anyway; his name is Francis.)

The Annual Goop Detox rules are straightforward, but tough. Alcohol, caffeine, added sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, corn and nightshades (white, blue, red and yellow potatoes; tomatoes; eggplant; peppers) are all strictly off-limits. I chase my goat milk with a delicious, satisfying, 10/10, stick-to-your-ribs mug of hot water with lemon. After draining the mug, I am still hungry enough to eat two actual goats, but instead drink a green juice from the office fridge. It is the only thing I can find with Goop Detox-approved ingredients.

MR diets gwyneth paltrow harling man repeller 1

For lunch, I order a vegetable stir fry, hold the soy. It comes with a hefty serving of farro, which I can’t eat because apparently farro is lousy with gluten.

I am hungry again an hour later. This is annoying (but not surprising) given that I only ate vegetables for lunch. I eye a bag of almonds in the office snack cupboard. Gwyneth only eats “activated” almonds, which are almonds that have been soaked in water to remove their phytic acid. I drop a few into a glass of water on my desk, thinking I will marinate them for approx. 30 minutes and enjoy the fruits of my manual labor. Five minutes later, my activated dreams are shattered when Kate informs me I have to soak nuts overnight in order to reap the true nutritional benefits.

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When I get home from work, I cue up a 27-minute Tracy Anderson full-body workout on YouTube. For the uninitiated, Tracy Anderson is Gwyneth’s trainer and trusted fitness advisor. She is, in fact, credited for the successful restoration of Gwyneth’s ass after the birth of her son, Moses. After completing all 27 minutes of the workout, my body feels less like a temple and more like a sweaty potato, but Gwyneth temples aren’t built in a day.

For dinner, I eat tomato soup (lousy with nightshades) and a side of “cauliflower rice,” after which I consciously uncouple my fingers from a bag of Hershey’s Kisses I keep in the pantry.

DAY 2: “CLICKBAIT” GWYNETH

“The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” These words of advice are excerpted from a Goop review of Tikkun Spa which, to no one’s surprise except perhaps that of Gwyneth’s parboiled vagina, broke the internet shortly after publication. The subsequent backlash rained down like manna from the SEO heavens:

For the Love of Goop Don’t Steam Your Vagina
3 Reasons You Definitely Shouldn’t Get Your Vagina Steamed
Sorry, Gwyneth Paltrow, But Steaming Your Vagina is a Bad Idea
Gwyneth Paltrow Defends Vaginal Steaming Against Medical Science
Vagina Steaming Isn’t as Glamorous as Gwyneth Paltrow Makes It Sound

I dutifully Google “vagina steaming” to research options in my area and am shocked to discover 10 listings on Yelp. One even has a review raving about the “ab massage” during the treatment. Huh. Upon further investigation, the barrage of medical advice against even entertaining the idea appears to be quite unanimous. I might as well just send my uterus to a normal dry cleaner next time I have to wash some cashmere sweaters. Much cheaper.

Speaking of vaginas (ace transition, I know)…Did you hear about Gwyneth Paltrow’s jade eggs? It all started with another topnotch headline courtesy of Goop: “Better Sex: Jade Eggs for Your Yoni.” The feature image is extremely choice; I’ll spare you a description and let it be a private surprise for you and your screen.

According to beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend Shiva Rose (whose entire title I wish to adopt as my own, but that’s another article), “Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy and invigorate our life force.”

Oh, have I mentioned you’re supposed to put them inside your vagina? And sleep with them in there if you’re hardcore??? Sorry, clickbait Gwyneth. I prefer my eggs inside burritos or on top of avocado toast. My chi will have to fend for itself.

In a last-ditch effort to execute at least one clickbait Gwyneth activity, I Google the recipe for Goop’s internet-viral “sex bark.” It’s apparently an aphrodisiac, so I am excited to whip up a batch before diving into Homeland season 6.

Unfortunately, however, almost none of the ingredients in “sex bark” (including “sex dust” and ho shou wu) are available at regular grocery stores — not even Whole Foods. You have to buy them at moonjuiceshop.com and in total, they cost $93 dollars. For sex chocolate! I re-couple my fingers with my bag of Hershey’s Kisses.

I realize this means I completely failed to embody any aspect of clickbait Gwyneth. In penance, I will name my firstborn child Raisin.

DAY 3: “COOL-GIRL” GWYNETH

When she’s not doing stuff like drinking goat milk for eight days or working out religiously, Gwyneth Paltrow is sooooooo chill!!!!

“I really don’t have any rules. I really believe in delicious food and enjoying life and not saying no to anything,” she told Yahoo Beauty.

And then there’s this, in You magazine: “I don’t mind my wrinkles. I think aging is beautiful and very sexy. I’m never going to give up martinis and French fries and I’m never going to be one of those people who sacrifice life for vanity. So this is me.’

Translation: this is cool-girl Gwyneth.

I know what you’re thinking. Cool-girl Gwyneth sounds a lot like cool-girl Amy in the first half of Gone Girl, but cool-girl Gwyneth’s plot has no twist. She drinks martinis and eats French fries, but has not faked her own murder. Not even once! She’s too relaxed.

I start abiding by her “no rules” rule immediately upon awakening. For example, as a rule, I would usually apply concealer to the zit I discover on my cheek, but instead I forgo makeup entirely because no rules are allowed. That’s the rule.

I continue disregarding rules right and left as I decide what to eat for breakfast, opting for a muffin the size of my entire adult woman face instead of my usual bowl of sad desk oatmeal. I commend myself for choosing nourishment that doubles as a zit shield for optimal selfie-taking.

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Cool-girl Gwyneth is all about balance. She keeps organic snacks in the house for her children but also lets them eat Oreos. She’s cool like that. I do not have any children, so instead I encourage my coworkers to chase their (hopefully) organic lunches with various processed treats such as Hi-Chews and (hopefully) non-organic popcorn. All I ask in exchange is that they start calling me Hoss — my own devil-may-care nickname inspired by none other than GPal’s “Goop.”

Cool-girl Gwyneth’s chillness extends beyond food and into her relationship with ex-husband Chris Martin. “Chris is always welcome at my house and I at his,” she told You magazine. “We go on holidays together – it’s all very relaxed.”

I do not have an ex-husband — or any romantic exes, for that matter — but I do have an ex-friend from high school (what? we drifted!). In lieu of a planned vacation, I follow her on Instagram as an overture of goodwill. It’s all very relaxed.

As final proof of Gwyneth’s carefree ‘tude, I give you her account of her 40th birthday trip to Sedona, Arizona:

“I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say, ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’”

I wish I could go to Arizona and commune with the rocks like Gwyneth. I would like to know if I, too, am my very own teacher. Right now, all I know is I just wrote almost 2,000 words about living like a possible alien with a somehow perfect middle part. I should probably stop now.

On that note, why not read up on 10 reasons to put a jade egg inside you TODAY?

Feature photo by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.

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  • “regrettably not fresh from a teat” Omg.

    Charmaine Ng
    Architecture & Lifestyle Blog

  • “My local goat is on vacation as of this writing, so that rules out raw milk.”

    Dying.

  • Michelle Hertweck

    This is one probably one of the most hilarious articles I have ever read omg

  • Lois Carlisle

    “She is the umami walnut of public figures”

    This is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. Hoss, I adore you.

    • “…and I am the latest plebeian nutcracker in a long string of admirers.”

      I nearly spit out my non-organic, definitely not goop-approved avocado on sourdough toast at that line.

    • Harling Ross

      THANK YOU FOR USING MY GOOP-APPROVED TITLE

  • Alex S

    This is so great.

  • Ronja Brown

    Hahahha! This is fantastic, the whole article just cracked me up and made my day 🙂

    Highlights:

    “…after which I consciously uncouple my fingers from a bag of Hershey’s Kisses I keep in the pantry.”

    or even more hilarious “I might as well just send my uterus to a normal dry cleaner next time I have to wash some cashmere sweaters. Much cheaper.”

    Thanks 🙂

  • Linda

    “The subsequent backlash rained down like manna from the SEO heavens” the best sentence I have read in a long time.

    AMAZING article!!

  • dietcokehead

    OK the yoni egg thing is not nearly as horrifying as she apparently makes it seem JUST FYI

    • But I’m a Cheerleader

      And the whole making fun of vaginal steaming… it irritates me because you can’t read about something people in Korea have used for centuries to treat medical issues, and use one nutzo white lady’s article as proof that it’s all bullshit. I mean, c’mon.

      Besides, modern studies on mugwort have shown it has antiviral properties, and as ancient medicine was based solely on empirical data, making fun of Koreans for actually using it is totally not okay.

      I did it while in Korea at a certified Korean medicine clinic, (not a dubious spa in Koreatown in LA) and it was clean, relaxing, and felt good. And it cost me all of 10,000 won, which is about $10. It wasn’t the big deal America seems to be making it into, and I chafe at the complete dismissal of non-Western medicine by Westerners, just because the western scientific proof isn’t in English for you to read yet.

      • dietcokehead

        I’m not sure I’d ever try that, in large part because I’m not much a fan of steam in general, but otherwise, I’ll shove just about anything in my vagina. I wonder if the mental image people have of steaming is more direct and aggressive than the reality?

        • But I’m a Cheerleader

          You’re probably right. I don’t know if I would do it at a place where its just a bunch of little old ladies scrubbing the dead skin off my back, just because…weird and maybe unsanitary? I dunno. I just wish people would think about the implications of saying “um no” to something they really don’t understand or the larger picture in which its contained. It’s not like Koreans replace gynecology with it or anything.

      • Meg S

        I put a lot of strange sounding things on my face thanks to going to Korea, but my skin has never looked better and people often ask me what I do.

        One thing I wish I had here was a jimjilbang. I was really hesitant about it at first, but there’s something liberating about it that I really enjoyed.

        If you plan to go again, leave Seoul behind and spend a week in Jejudo. That’s part of my plan when I go back.

        • But I’m a Cheerleader

          I haven’t yet been to Jeju, though I usually spend most of my time in Ulsan and the Gyeongju area because that’s where my inlaws live. Then Seoul, because thats where all my friends live and work.

          Jimjilbangs are great places! I love communal self-care and wish it was more popular in America. One of my favorite experiences was going to Hakone in Japan with a friend who was trying to get pregnant. In the hotspring there is a sort of fertility cave you can walk into which is supposed to represent the womb, which we did, and playfully pleaded the cave to make her pregnant. She was, soon after! 😛

          • Meg S

            I haven’t been to Ulsan, but my friend and I stayed in a hanok in Gyeongju, which I really liked. Jeju is nice and quiet and full of beaches, but it’s hard to get by with my minimal Korean. Luckily my friend is much better at languages and speaks/reads it enough to have a conversation. I’d recommend renting a car and a wifi egg if you go. There might be public transportation but I didn’t see any, and everyone seemed to have cars. People don’t drive crazy like they do in Seoul either.

            There’s a jimjilbang about an hour away, but it’s not the same. It’s more expensive and feels more like it’s a Korean spa mixed with a gym/western spa. But there are wet saunas and I’m all about that after bathing. I was a little nervous about it until I realized that no one else cares that you’re naked because they are too, and they don’t care how you look naked. I couldn’t have gone to a spa in Japan because I have tattoos, and most (or all) of them ban them. I wish I had more time to spend in Japan, we took a flight to Tokyo and spent a few days there before going to Jeju. Where, again, we didn’t spend enough time but loved it.

            Hey, you never know. I’m convinced temples are spiritual centers, and someone listens to what you pray for, even if you only throw in your pocket change. The temple in Tokyo we went to was like a different world, I could have stayed there for hours if we didn’t have other things we wanted to do.

          • But I’m a Cheerleader

            Temples are pretty great things. 🙂

        • Selina Vink

          Really curious which Korean products you try for your face!

          • Meg S

            Happy to share. I have combination skin with an oily t-zone that is sensitive to fragrance so my routine may not work for you at all. Some go-to things I swear by:

            Innisfree Daily UV protection cream no sebum SPF35
            Yadah Anti-T Emulsion
            Su:m 37 Miracle Rose Cleansing Stick
            Shu Uemura Porefinist Anti-Shine Cleansing Oil (Japanese Brand)
            Missha Time Revolution essence & ampoule
            Sheet masks! (I don’t have a particular recommendation for this, but there’s a sheet mask for every issue & they’re not too expensive – between $2 and $10 each)
            Trouble Spot Patches (lots of brands make them, you stick one over a pimple at night and it’s gone down by the morning)

            I also use IOPE’s air cushion in matte finish pretty consistently, and any other makeup I use varies. I subscribe to a Korean beauty box so I get a lot of different things to try, and some I replace after I use them up.

  • Riley W

    I read many excerpts of this aloud to my boyfriend, and while I’m not sure he understood them, he surely appreciated them.

  • KK

    “regrettably not fresh from a teat” almost shot coffee out my nose

    • Harling Ross

      i’m newly obsessed with the word teat

      • KK

        teat is right up there with moist, imho
        *gags*

  • Fiona Brennan

    Amazing, truly LOL’d at my desk and shared with coworkers. Brava

  • AshleyCampbell111

    fhf

  • AshleyCampbell111
  • lily

    Harling you absolute sprinkle donut you are amazing

    • Harling Ross

      just got hungry

  • Alessia

    “In penance, I will name my firstborn child Raisin.”
    I LOVE YOU

  • Betsy

    Oh Hoss, you’re hilarious! Anyone can steam their vagina, but it takes someone special to make coffee come out my nose. Kudos!

    • Harling Ross

      i really enjoy all the stuff coming out of people’s noses in this comment section!!!!

  • Amelia

    Oh my god. I just fell off my chair…. this is the funniest thing I have ever read thank u forever Hoss

  • Amisav

    Please make this lady Head of Experiments at MR

    • Harling Ross

      it already happened by accident

  • Hannah Cole

    She is crazy, and I love her.

    You should try the Hannah version of the detox, basically, do all those recipes (Working Girl’s Detox is the BEST), but never ever cut out alcohol or coffee. That is a bad idea for your soul and everyone around you. Plus, it’s the ultimate in cool-girl no-rules Gwyneth.

  • Laughed so hard. Amazing! Love GP but this just rings too true. xx

  • Leandra Medine

    so…where is that muffin from

    • Harling Ross

      GREY DOG & IT IS CRACK BEWARE !!

  • Jaime Gelpi

    Now THIS is what I call investigative journalism

  • Jackie Homan

    This might win as my fave MR Diet ever, I can’t stop laughing

  • Mila

    So many good lines in this, I don’t know where to start!!!

  • Bree

    Hoss you are the umami walnut of Man Repeller!!!

    • Harling Ross

      nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me

  • Nae

    This made me laugh way harder than it should have.

  • Sabah Malik

    ‘In lieu of a planned vacation, I follow her on Instagram as an overture of goodwill. It’s all very relaxed.’

    haaaaaaaaa

  • Michelle

    ugh. I usually love Man Repeller! This was a scroll through (quickly) article.

  • I loved this article, because really… who can pinpoint who GP really is??

    http://thedianaedition.com

  • Verhanika

    If you have to say “relaxed” that many times, you probably aren’t, G.

  • EvaAlt

    Harling, I want to quote you back to yourself but there are too many great lines to choose from. <3 <3 <3

  • Hi Francis! Great piece!
    http://www.theglowgoddess.com

  • chris

    Best and funniest thing I’ve ever read on MR.

  • pdbraide

    how did I miss this? hilarious. too many MOMENTS

  • Kattigans

    Wait, I read that parasite blog post and omg now i’m irrationally freaking out that I have one…I’m blaming Gwyneth for how itchy I feel right now.

  • pdbraide

    “stick-to-your-ribs mug of hot water with lemon”

  • KK

    I have to say, I was having the worst day until I read your article! I have tried, with varying degrees of failure to follow GP’s various regimes. I cried at your commentary. Well done!

  • Morgan Siggard

    Loved that you included conscious uncoupling and re-coupling with a bag of Hershey’s chocolate. GENIUS! Who needs sex bark anyways?!

  • Allison

    omg I live in a remote part of southern africa and honestly have to deworm about once a month, just reality of life and comes with the territory… I literally cannot WAIT to show my coworkers the goats milk parasite article

  • What about vaginal parasites? What would Goop recommend…cleanse or steam? I just can’t get this umami out 🙁