Brad Pitt is Doing Great Post-Divorce, Thank You Very Much
Everything you need to know and more
Since Brad Pitt’s divorce from actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie, around seven billion people have been wondering what he’s up to. Has he been doing okay? Taken up any hobbies? Cut out sugar? What about old friendships, has he rekindled them? Finally, thanks to several sources, we have some answers.
You can exhale: It turns out that Brad Pitt has been seeing quite a bit of his friends lately.
“He often has friends over,” a source reassured People (the magazine and the species) last week. “Old friends are back in his life, and he seems happy about it.” The source, possibly Brad’s publicist, failed to specify how happy, but this paparazzi photo of Brad entering an art studio indicates he’s somewhere between yoga instructor and golden retriever levels of happy. The rumor mill otherwise known as my imagination purports Brad is even considering deleting his Facebook account.
But is Brad properly processing his heartache?, you must be wondering. “Pitt reportedly spends ’15 hours a day’ in his artist friend Thomas Houseago’s studio ‘vaping’ and ‘listening to playlists of sad songs,” reports Jezebel, calming all of our nerves. “What songs, you ask? Waylon Jennings’s ‘Just To Satisfy You’ and selections from Bon Iver.” The source, possibly Angelina Jolie, didn’t confirm whether or not Brad, 53, has joined Tumblr.
According to the Daily Mail, Brad has been creating a sculpture under Houseago’s close art direction, sometimes working until the wee hours of the morning. An anonymous source physically close to me wondered aloud if Brad was chiseling the likeness of his ex into a block of marble, but doubted he could get the cheekbones right.
“[T]he two-time Sexiest Man Alive has been working out almost daily,” reports People, quelling our concerns that no one told Brad about the mental-health benefits of breaking a sweat. “He’s lost a few pounds. He’s in very good shape.” Further, a source I met on the subway this morning who smelled mysteriously of meat, told me Brad wears makeup to the gym, confirming once and for all where he stands on this hot-button issue.
The question of whether he’s in touch with his ex remains. A phone bill, which I found in a random dumpster on Bleecker Street, confirms that text messages were exchanged between two people on March 23rd around 2:04 a.m. The sender and recipient go unnamed, but an untrackable, now-dead source told me it was between the world’s favorite befallen couple and it contained only three little words: “R u up?”
Whether or not they’re indeed speaking directly, a new business deal between the two hints at an amicable relationship. “The two actors are now selling their own extra-virgin olive oil, called Miraval Olive Oil,” writes beloved pop culture rag Architectural Digest, who cleverly describes Brad and Angie’s new venture as “Extending the olive branch, literally.”
Per Perrin’s website, where the olive oil is currently being sold, “The finish is suave, spicy, and the bitterness at the end of the palate gives it a very beautiful balance.” Please do get in touch if you can confirm, falsely or otherwise, that this is a thinly-veiled metaphor for Brad and Angelina’s love life.
Photo by Jeff Spicer via Getty Images.