Most trends we love at a given time will look dumb, if not fully outlandish, a decade or three later. Fashion is ephemeral; I totally understand this. But I struggle to hold this incontrovertible truth next to the entire decade of the 2000s, which to me stands out as a victim of something far more sinister. A hex, perhaps? If it’s also true that fashion is cyclical, we’re going to need to know how to reverse engineer our way out of this decade right quick. Hurry, sociologists! It’s rearing its head!
Or perhaps we ought to just let it wash over us once again. It’s 2017, the year after the year of realizing stuff. Maybe it’s time we face Now That’s What I Call Music #42 and get to work on our bedazzling. And what better way to prepare than by combing the archives for some fashion tips from the eras most iconic It girl? It is her birthday, after all.
Allow me to present Paris Hilton’s 16 most important rules of style:
1. Your sarong should always match your strappy, high heels and your baguette bag — the size of which must be large enough to accommodate a Motorola Sidekick and only a Motorola Sidekick.
2. This one’s tough, I know, but ideally your friends and family should be able to see the entire side of your body at all times. To transition to a professional setting, clip your dress closed with the errant, butterfly adornments atop your head.
3. When you don your Canadian tuxedo, strip it of any and all details that say “Canada.” How-to tips: don’t wear a shirt, use glitter like body lotion, don a tire (call it a belt) and draw on under-eyelashes with thick, black eyeliner.
4. Pair a gem-encrusted cross and low-slung cotton midi skirt with your sexiest silk bustier for a fun red-carpet look.
5. Always remember: On Wednesdays, we wear fur-lined jeans and fur halters.
6. Do your best to display your naval piecing whenever possible, especially when you’re on the go! Try to only travel between L.A., Vegas and Ibiza.
7. The only thing sexier than wearing not a single layer of clothing on your back is wearing 10 to 15 visibly different layers in your hair.
8. Chihuahuas and six inches of midriff are a girl’s best accessories.
9. Wait, I take that back, the best accessory is a hot assistant.
10. An interesting alternative to washing your body with soap is to wash your body with self tanner!
11. If it’s winter, wear a fur and make sure your sunglasses are reminiscent of goggles — ski chic is everything.
12. Important rule: When you wear a color, wear the shit out of that color.
13. If your dress appears to have been hurriedly made out of a curtain, that’s good and means you’re rich and important.
14. Butterfly accessories and kitten heels are always a yes.
15. And finally: Always know better…
16. …but never care.
Photos via Getty.