Listen. I have taken so many online quizzes that assess various parts of one’s personality, like “What Kind of Burrito Are You” and “Which Auxiliary Character From the Shitty College Year Season of a TV Show Originally Set In High School (Degrassi) Do You Most Identify With” that my therapist told me I could stop seeing her. She said I didn’t need any further evaluation into who I am or why I am. You probably feel this way, too. Still, as I always say, one more round of self-introspection won’t grow a boil on your nose. So which one are you:
Do you get mad at stuff but then you’re just like, ugh? Do you find it more annoying to build up rage than to just forgive the roommate who didn’t replace your toilet paper for the thousandth time, never mind the fact that you’re stranded, cold and half-naked in the bathroom, to drip-dry? It’s fine. You’ll deal with it tomorrow — your show’s on now, anyway. Do you go to bed to avoid confrontation? Do you sometimes pretend your roommate is actually a cat so that all you hear is meowing, which then drowns out what he or she is saying, and then you just agree with him or her because it’s easier and cats are cool?
You might be passive.
Aggressive: 1 and 2
When an office colleague accidentally throws out your homemade salad dressing (because it made the whole refrigerator smell weird, according to another colleague), do you black out for a sec then come to, only to find yourself growling, your hair sticking out all around your head like a pissed-off reptile on the National Geographic Channel? Have you ever smashed a glass jar on the floor over a Lyft cancellation or library fee? Do you sometimes grow fangs out of nowhere?
You might be aggressive.
When someone — Judy — “accidentally” throws out your homemade salad dressing that you made because you were trying to save money while lowering your cholesterol, Judy (oh, and by the way, you never said anything about her gross hard-boiled-egg-in-small-public-spaces habit because you didn’t want to embarrass her, and totally still don’t!), do you write a little Post-it note that says, “Hey! I think someone threw out my salad dressing! Could you please be more careful to not touch my stuff? Happy to show you where the salad dressing aisle is located at Trader Joe’s or send you a link to my very extensive organic recipe! Thanks :),” and then stick it to the fridge with a flower magnet?
You might be passive-aggressive.
Do you calmly explain your emotions as they come in an effort to better communicate how you feel during moments of tension or conflict so that those who caused you discomfort understand what they did wrong and how to act in similar scenarios going forward? Does this help you avoid fights and nasty text messages? Does it resolve issues more quickly?
You may be honest.
…In which case please, I beg you: show me your ways!
Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.