Stupid Cupid, Your February Horoscopes Are Here

I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

02.03.17
Horoscope2017_feb2

Let us start off February 2017 Horoscopes (with me and my co-host-via-Astrology Zone, Susan Miller) by thanking Beyoncé for giving us a good month-ahead omen. Because this month houses Valentine’s Day (but we are all past the age of mass-distributed classroom Valentine’s Day cards), each scope is going to be love-themed. Just assume that you’re going to be a rich rockstar in the office this Feb with zero health problems and a whole lot of charm. Oh and everyone schedule all your doctor’s appointments and haircuts this month. March will not be the time for that crap.

Pisces

Happy birthday my sweet piece of Pie-sces. I have one question for you and that is, “Will you be my Valentine?” No pressure, just don’t be surprised if I also ask all other 11 signs too for the sake of not choosing favorites unlike some astrologers we know.

You are going to be so creative this month. Susan thinks you might have a baby. If you want to have a baby then yay! Confirmation! And if you are not ready to birth a human child then also remember that horoscopes can be interpreted in many ways and the baby concept can also pertain to a project that’s important to you or your Nano Pet.

I know I literally, in the intro, just said I was going to talk to everyone about love but you are loved and besides, your sign was filled with so much money it was like walking into Gringotts after a hoedown. A “massive change” is headed your way with a due date of February 26th — a solar eclipse, which is v. powerful — so if it is romance that has you itchy, scratch yourself with your gold coins and relax: this positive change is likely to have a big-bang effect. And you know what that means, right?

Dinosaurs!!!!!!!!

Aries

Aries the ONLY THING I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS AN ARIZONA ICED TEA BECAUSE I saw an advertisement the other day and I forgot how good those tall cans of straight-up sugar were!! Where did they go? Were they banned or do they still exist in Sedona??

Horoscope-wise, Mars is in your sign, “an enviable position that started last month on January 28th,” said Thriller. “Ancient astrologers wrote that having Mars in your sign is a powerful advantage, for Mars puts your interests first and coaxes you to present your ideas forcefully with courage, determination and drive.” This lasts until the 9th so make the avocado moast of it.

Time for your love forecast: February 10th to 14th is going to be the best time for all things bedroom and elsewhere. Romance knows no bounds but if you do anything in the library remember that they have cameras and the hills have eyes! You’ll meet someone new during this time if you’re like hey wtf about me. (Uranus will be useful for once and see to it!) Just be social and all will be bow-chicka-wow-ow-well. Single and like it that way? Great! Send yourself a nude.

Taurus

Oh my god SUSAN! She thinks we are about to enter into a CLANDESTINE RELATIONSHIP!!! Like that is so much drama. What with our endlessly budding careers and rise to fame and all that she promises us over and over again (not complaining, keep the celestial dollar signs coming please because this cynic loves a self-fulfilling prophecy). I am not sure how we’d even have time to sneak around in our skivvies but let this be a reminder and a cautionary tale to all: clandestine is fun and exciting and a great SAT word. But when it involves the man of another man or woman or the woman of another woman or man, it never ends well! Let Nathaniel Archibald be our cautionary tale so that we keep our eyes on the prize (or our brilliant lives, you guys) and not get distracted by candy that could get someone’s ass kicked. IDK sometimes I black out while writing and I’ve basically only ever watched five television shows in my entire lifetime including Summer House, six if you count Planet Earth which, oddly, has yet to help me out here.

“Romance could be very festive in the first days of February, when Venus your ruler will cuddle closely to Mars, her cosmic love,” writes Susan. All of which sounds pretty promising to me. LMK if you want to double date in the comments below.

Gemini

To you, travel is like oxygen, says Susan Miller at the beginning of your horoscope intro and therefore sounding like every person ever’s online dating bio. “I love to laugh and I love to travel!!!” What if you hated laughter and travel? I’d love you so much. The other day I was swiping and this guy had a photo of his two bearded friends and his bio said “the two guys in my last picture are my sons.” I thought that was funny. Because everyone’s always like, “It’s my nephew.” What if you don’t like nephews? These are things I need to know. The comment section is your oyster and yes I’m fine don’t worry about me.

AS for you, the full moon lunar eclipse will happen on February 10th in Leo at 23 degrees. Nick Lachey, feel free to consider that for your solo tour name, should you choose to set off on that venture. If ever. Not only will it improve your writing, speaking and travel (there it is again), it will bring in all of the best qualities of surrounding planets like Jupiter and Uranus, who is not being an ass this month, to create a planetary stew. No Crock-Pot required, but when you walk in the kitchen it’s going to smell like romance.

“Additionally,” writes Susan, “Saturn, planet of stability, from your house of commitment, could bring stunning help from a committed business and or romantic partner.” Ready to DTR? That’s so modern royal family of you.

Cancer

Hey pinch-y little crab! You’re not going to have to pinch pennies for long because Susan foresees lots of money rolling in for your sign this month. Like she really kept talking about it. The rules of etiquette and small talk say it’s pretty rude to bring up bank but like, we’re close and sometimes a girl’s gotta brag about her riches, right? YOU EARNED IT. Srsly!

Don’t forget that you can be rich in other ways too, like friendship, which you will be, but listen, I know you came here for one purpose today — one that involves lace doilies, glitter glue, Bob Fosse and potential make out sessions, not with Bob Fosse per se. LOVE! What’s love got to do with any of this besides Tina Turner? Uh, your horoscope.

Valentine’s Day will be fine and well but it’s the weekend before (February 11th and 12th) where you’ll really feel the satisfying sting of cupid’s bow in your shoulder. Susan says promises will be kept, I say you’ll meet someone special if you’ve been on the market, a perfectly-ripe avocado of a human who matches up exactly with your own guacamole timeline. If you’re taken, I ain’t shaken. I would, however, like to discus the bacon drought of 2017 with someone. Is that better or worse than the time there was a rosé shortage in the Hamptons?<-

^ I am so sorry that I can’t stop watching Summer House. Scroll up and kick my shins!!!!!!!!

Leo

LeOooOOooooOOOooo are you so excited it’s Oscar’s season?? Good joke, huh? It’s definitely your season for love.

The way the planets are aligned (which I don’t really feel like discussing right even though this is your horoscope and you deserve to have all the info), you’re primed to have one or more “elements” (nice and vague word courtesy of True-san) enter your life that will change the course of your world in very good way. Let it be known that your career will rise, money will pour down and all will be well.

But let’s talk LOVE because I am like Andy Cohen and I want the 411!

If you’re in a serious relationship, it’s about to get more serious (in a fun way, don’t get scared and do something weird). If you’re single, don’t touch the plate that your server told you not to touch 100 times because Venus will be in fire-sign areas and OUCH! It’s hot! Because mama’s cookin’ up a pot of love. Every day this month is a lucky day for you in terms of romance, but the 10th through the 13th and the 26th are looking particularly strong. Someone’s been sticking to their resolution and working out.

Virgo

Speaking of working out in case you accidentally read Leo’s sign and thought it was yours the whole time even though I very clearly said “Leo” with a shit ton of Os in it before I began, Susan thinks this month is a great time to start a fitness regimen yay!!!!!!!!!

If you’ve already started, then kindly let me know how many is too many chocolate-covered candied orange slices to eat before a slow-and-steady death begins to set in? It may be too late for me but I promise I will finish this before I go.

You’ve got money coming in this month along with apartment/home luck. You might also write the next Hamilton. Maybe it will be about Frederick Douglass.

In terms of likely possibilities, Valentine’s Day might actually be a nice holiday for you. For example, you could get married. For another example, you could get engaged. For a third example, you could be minding your own business one minute then pick up a hot date the next. It’s on a Tuesday, so the weekend prior, February 11th and 12th, may actually be even more fun when it comes to maximum romance and dance. Wear your good shoes.

Libra

Just as so many movie characters realize that the hero was within their own hearts all along, you will soon realize that Susan Miller is the only one with the answer! (But please don’t stop reading Repell-o-scopes, it’s what keeps my individual desk lamp light on.) Would you just listen to what she has to say? “February has hearts flying, for it will be one of your most mystical, magical months of the year for enjoying love, sweet love.” A Valentine if I’ve ever heard one!

To be far more blunt than she, Venus and Mars are going to have celestial sex with one another, which is great news for you (maybe not so much their roommate, not your problem, though) because it means that ALL Libras are going to benefit from their afterglow and be oozing sex appeal all over the place. Ooze is such a gross word but I said it and this keyboard doesn’t have a delete button so there is no going back. Onward!

February 9th is gonna be a great day for love, the 10th and 11th are ideal for all of you single bingles, the 14th is going to be a very cozy day where you’ll look at all of those in your life and practically melt with happiness, and, somehow, despite all of this love making — love making of all sorts including the platonic kind for friends — you will still manage to churn out a great deal of creative work. You’re so cool.

Scorpio

ALRIGHT, SCORPIO: we’ve got cupid’s bow pointed directly at you. And while you’re over there wondering who taught a baby archery, I’m over here wondering what you’re still doing sitting at your computer when there’s a whole world to explore under the rosy light of this month’s Scorpio-specific filter called “love.” If you’re not at a computer but reading on your phone, well then! I take it back but please do look up because what if THE ONE is right in front of you?

Hi! If you’re reading this, The One was not in front of you but that doesn’t mean she or he isn’t on her/his way. (Everyone lies about that because everyone knows “on my way” means “I am just now leaving my apartment.”)

The whole month is truly brimming with love-pertunities, but “enchanting romance could become a major influence at the solar eclipse of February 26th,” writes Susan. “The Sun, new moon, Neptune and Mercury will crowd into your house of true love. This will be a very important time for you, if you are a single Scorpio, to find someone new who lights your imagination.” (Just go slow, don’t rush into anything and don’t ditch your friends!) And if you’re not single, the gist is that you’ll fall deeper in __insert emotion here__ with your partner in __insert activity here__. I’m so hungry and it’s making it hard to think. Let’s go split a sandwich.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, I don’t want to put words in your mouth or images in your mind but I am just saying that if you need fodder for a femme-themed political sign at your next rally, you could always write, “Vagittarius,” so that when someone asks, “What’s your sign [say]”? You could hold it up like, “Vagittarius.” And then if they like it you know you’ve found the one.

Speaking of the one ! ! ! ! ! — in addition to all of the office success you’re about to roll around in plus the prompting of Susan to go SHOPPING like lalalalala-land, BOOYEA — you’re going to have a remarkably romantic Valentine’s day, which is almost as impossible as having a New Year’s Eve where the fun is as proportionate to the amount of money you spend. If you’re reading this before the 4th and the 5th and deciding whether or not you should take that “all in the name of love trip,” do it. Besides! You like traveling. Kind of? When you don’t have to deal with a check-in bag and your carry-on doesn’t stress you out.

I may literally never tell you to do this again, but go to a club on February 21st. It will bring you good fortune. Just don’t use the restroom at the club. It could bring you other things, like mints that you had to pay $5 for, or a cold. Omg club bathrooms are the worst, I just had a flashback, please change the subject.

February 26th is going to be great! And with that, enjoy the month and howl at the moon.

Capricorn

Is that a grilled cheese I smell?… Or is it all that CHEDDAR your sign is frying up? (The latter! But please be careful because hot plates are illegal in a lot of places.) You’re set to make lots of money this month and I just think that is so nice. Money won’t just fall from nowhere this time around, however. If you think you’re due for a raise, you gotta ask.

Oh, actually, it may come from nowhere. Per your sign you may have a Fresh Prince of Bel Air moment or inheritance situation. The more money scenarios the merrier if you ask me.

Shall we talk about love? We shall!

“Venus just entered your home sector too and will remain there a very long time, until June 6th,” said Suz. This is good news because Mars will be around, too, and when they’re home at the same time they always hook up. It’s never weird after and it’s 100% going to work in your favor because when this happens, your sign is filled with romance and prospects.

If Valentine’s Day itself is too impossible to plan something fun, whether it be for you and your friends or you and your partner-in-stripping pants, schedule something for the weekend before, the 11th and 12th. You’re flexible, right?

I meant in terms of your schedule!! Yeesh.

Aquarius

Somehow I have gone an entire post just full of the word “eclipse” and I’ve yet to bust my girl out until now. I think it’s time. Do you? I do. BONNIE TYLER, LET ME HEAR YOU SING IT!

Turn around, bright eyes! Hope you’re bushy-tailed too because what a month ahead for you!

Because of the eclipses this month, things that tend to take more time (raises, promotions, proposals, finger painting) are going to speed up and happen sooner than you realize. Wow! Sounds like the moon must be using high-speed internet #inpartnershipwithMR , eh? This post is not in partnership with literally anyone. Not financially, at least. I like to think of horoscopes #inpartnershipwith #theplanets and #susanmiller.

Remember when hashtags were such a thing and now they’re really not?

Let’s talk about your love life so that I can get you out of here and on to lunch.

“Throughout the month you appear to have plenty of opportunity to travel,” writes my main squeeze Susan. “Mars will orbit close to Venus, and when these two cosmic lovers are together, it spells out-of-this-world romance.” (We write alike, no?? Great minds.) “Clearly, single or married, you can fan the fires of love by going on one or more fun weekend trips,” she continues. “If you are single, you will have a good chance of meeting someone special once you leave the borders of your home.” I ALWAYS SAY that you might have to leave New York to find love! Hand me my binoculars, Aqua baby. You and I are going on a safari and if I predict anything at all, it’s that things are gonna get weird!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

Get more Humor ?
  • Vegittarius. I’ll go for Vegittarius.

  • libs

    I feel like such a Bad Libra because I completely lack sexiness but now I know I’m going to RADIATE (sorry Amelia, refuse to say ooze in any posi context) sex appeal all month!!!
    My housemates won’t care that I got locked out of my room post-shower and had to come downstairs in my PJ top and knickers because I will look sexxxy instead of bedraggled and panicked. Amazing!

    • Amelia Diamond

      ugh radiate would have been such a better choice of words. hindsight 20/20 as they say in the old country.

  • tmm16

    “Romance could be very festive in the first days of February, when Venus your ruler will cuddle closely to Mars, her cosmic love”

    Accurate. I’ve been incredibly cuddly with my couch <3

    • Krista Anna Lewis

      SAME

  • “You’re set to make lots of money this month and I just think that is so nice.”
    Me too haha!
    xoxo
    Joan

  • Suzan

    This is the only horoscope I can stomach because it is written so wonderfully and hilariously!! Thank you, Amelia! Dinosaurs!!

  • Grace B

    GEMINI AND I’M GETTING MARRIED ON THE 11TH!! And I did not even consult the stars before I picked this date waaaaay back in 2015 (for reals). Thank you eclipse in Leo (my south node!)

  • Heart locker (Akshaya)

    I’m gemini …..
    I want to ask when will I be in relationship and with which sign…..

  • “you’re primed to have one or more “elements” (nice and vague word courtesy of True-san) enter your life that will change the course of your world in very good way. Let it be known that your career will rise, money will pour down and all will be well.”
    YES, I HAVE SO HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR THIS MONTH

    Emma // http://www.brooklynisburning.co

  • Léa

    This isn’t at all related by I just started watching a Canadian show called Schitt’s Creek and one of the actresses on it looks so much like Amelia I literally thought she’d made a major career change

  • Rosie

    “If you’re single, don’t touch the plate that your server told you not to
    touch 100 times because Venus will be in fire-sign areas and OUCH! It’s
    hot! Because mama’s cookin’ up a pot of love.”

    LMAO. AMELIA. YOU’RE CRAZY. #dont #ever #change