Dear Elon Musk,
I’m penning this thoughtful and well-written cover letter because this morning, I read that you’ll be sending two people on a cruise around the moon in 2018. Participating in such a cruise sits at the literal center of my wheelhouse, so I would like to submit myself for your consideration.
Why should you pick me? There are several reasons, which I will provide right now below this sentence in a numbered list.
1. I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. Staying in a small compartment aboard a ship appeals to me plus I love a meal plan of any kind.
2. I got a B in my college calculus course and would be willing to help out in that respect in whatever way I can!
3. My mom has been saying for years that I’m one of the most responsible people she knows, and she knows so many people, seriously. We can’t even go to the grocery store without running into like 12 fucking people.
4. I’m very low-maintenance! As long as I have access to all my beauty products while aboard (my skin is finicky in recycled air), I can’t imagine I’d really need much aside from food, water, a nice place to sleep and a ‘grammable view of the moon.
5. I’m just generally a good person; I think about doing all kinds of meaningful stuff for others almost constantly.
6. My period is fairly irregular and the chances of me getting it during the trip are slim, which seems like a big plus in zero gravity.
7. I’m totally open to whoever you’d like to pair me with for this trip as long as it’s not one of the 2 billion people I’ve listed in the appendix of this cover letter. The Earth has 7 billion though, so there are plenty of other options. 🙂 I’ll warn you that I’m not great at small talk and would ask that you not expect me to converse with said person.
8. I literally love space! I loved Interstellar (saw it twice) and have been talking about seeing Arrival for weeks.
9. I’m super responsive and will respond to your texts when I’m on the moon within 24 hours unless I’m feeling introverted.
10. I’m really stressed out right now. I need a vacation!
You mentioned that such a trip would cost a little more than how much your company, SpaceX, would have to pay to make it happen. This sounds like good business (I went to business school – another of my qualifications for this role!). Based on no research, I estimate this to be around $100 million. Now: I can’t offer you that in cash (I have ~$200 in my checking account as of now, but more coming in today – it’s payday!), but I can certainly offer you a tag in an ironic Instagram post on the day of our moon departure about “just needing some space.” It’s hard to estimate the value of Instagram followers, but this would no doubt boost your social-media presence – which is worth a lot. Trust me on that one, I’m a Millennial.
This letter merely scratches the surface of my positive qualities, which again, my mom can’t stress enough are plenty. I’d be happy to schedule a call to discuss any questions and if I don’t hear from you I’ll just swing by SpaceX sometime next week. Sound okay?
Haley “willing to waitlist for Trappist-1 if this doesn’t work out” Nahman
Photo by Joseph P. Allen/Space Frontiers via Getty Images.