3 Ways to Avoid Pants for the Rest of Winter
This is the weirdest story I have ever written, I urge you to read on
I maintain that the easiest way to avoid wearing pants is by simply not wearing them but if you must, here are three ideas for three different scenarios that may or may not ever occur in this lifetime.
1. So you just won the lottery ($117,000,000!) but want to act chill about it even though, honestly, you can’t because you’re the newfangled owner of so many 0’s and what’s more? As a model citizen, you plan to donate exactly half of those 0’s to people who need them more than you do.
That’s really generous! A good way to dress so that you don’t have to go on telling people you won the lottery is by pretending you’re related to Loulou de la Falaise, or at least pretending that you knew her. People won’t ask if the gemstones on your blazer are real, but if someone was to inquire, just pull one off, hand it over and wink.
2. So you have a rare medical condition where after 6 p.m. every single day, the bottom half of your body (torso down) metamorphoses into a pilates reformer, but on the upside, have made a deal with the devil whereby you get to spend all day until 6 p.m. wearing anyyyyyyyyyy number of bottoms — literal sock boots notwithstanding.
Today you went for sequins. Good thinking.
3. So your partner’s parents are actually a set of catalogues (they were a scientific marvel when they demonstrated a remarkable dexterity to reproduce a human life in spite of the lack of vital organs). One is similar to J.Crew while the other pays homage to ’80s ephemera and doesn’t even actually sell anything. You’re meeting them for the first time today (they don’t talk out loud, per se, but their pages are a fair depiction of their personalities and incidentally, they are somewhat binary and judgmental). What do you wear?
Easy! I got you! Go halfsies! J.Crew from the belly button up, ’80s ephemera from the knees down. I leave your reproductive area open-ended to clothe however you wish. It’s silver jacquard for me in very hopeful anticipation of a welcome party some day soon. You can wear a drop crotch, tho.
End scene. Thanks for coming!