The Baby I Lost, the Person I’m Finding

Leandra Medine | December 6, 2016

pregnancy-man-repeller-feature

I knew when I started the IVF process that it would not be my path. That sounds ridiculous given how awful I made it sound, but I am severely impatient and further crippled by what it means to identify a problem (temporary lack of ovulation) and not immediately implement a solution (fertility treatment). When I look at it now, I feel like this reaction is disproportionate to the circumstance but when you’re caught gripping for life, literal new life, at a tree in the forrest of your self-doubt, it’s hard to remember where you are.

Most of the doctors I spoke to said the same thing: you’re young, your history with periods is healthy, your eggs look fine, they are manifold and your hormone levels are normal. Just go easy on yourself. Take a break. Don’t work so hard. Relax.

I took this to mean be less ambitious, which I resented so much, so when one doctor recommended that I look into IVF treatment because of a genetic mutation that I carry called the BRCA 1 gene, I clung to the suggestion: here was an answer that would not conflate who I was professionally with who I was personally.

Of course there is no real difference between these two people according to the human body. So plenty of untreated stress, 17 frozen embryos and two failed transfers later, I foolishly convinced myself that I did have fertility issues. That I was destined to a life of paying rent to a clinical freezer for children that may or may not come into existence. Maybe literal motherhood was not my path. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to care for a child. (Of course, I didn’t actually believe these things — and I still don’t, but when you’re depressed and defeated, sometimes indulging in your own sorrow is the only way to cope.)

I stopped seeing that IVF doctor, took the summer to stop thinking about procreation and in September — with an editorial director and new president of Man Repeller confidently in place, reinvigorated emotionally, intellectually, physically and bullishly ready to start over — I began seeing a new doctor. At my second visit, he informed me that I was four weeks pregnant.

I

Was

Pregnant.

At last! I was right! IVF would not be my path! Without a period and with a fulfilling, time consuming career still definitively in place (though make no mistake, I am confident that finding people who I trusted to share the stress of running a company had no doubt contributed to the news of my new fortune), I had become pregnant naturally.

It felt fucking awesome.

I heard the heartbeat at six weeks, it was so loud and strong. I started seeing the structure develop at week nine. There was a head and a tiny little belly. Two small, folded legs and elbows. At week 10, it was bouncing around inside my uterus like a cat on a trampoline while I weathered the side effects: nausea, crippling fatigue, severe mood swings and sometimes downright nastiness towards people who really, really didn’t deserve it, I reminded myself that at the end of this I’d have the coolest baby ever.

But by week 11, the mood swings turned into full-blown depression. I started to feel, I don’t know, dead inside. I tried to power through it and remind myself, again, that at the end of this would be a baby. My baby. I felt really guilty really often — here I’d spent all this time trying to conceive, to reach this goal and finally, I’d hit it and I was insufferable. To myself (I would look in the mirror some mornings and say to the reflection, “I hate you”), to people who really love and care about me. Then at week 14, I lost the baby. I’d rather not expound upon the details — it is pain I don’t wish upon Hitler’s most devout follower. It felt impossible to deal with emotionally, but even harder to try and suppress, which I so wanted to. Over-sharer that I am, though, if anyone is to ask how I’m doing I can’t help but tell them, “I lost a baby last week, but it’s going to be okay.” Almost as if it’s a badge of honor: I can get pregnant, too, you know.

And in tandem with my loss came the pregnancy announcements of several dear, dear friends. This, of course, made me want to die.

It’s only been 11 days. I felt it instantaneously: I had gone from pregnant to regular again in a cruel, brutal flash. The second beating heart was no longer there, the bouncing had conclusively been terminated. But I don’t want to be a regular person. I want to be pregnant. I’ll take the vomiting and the fatigue and the severe mood swings — I swear I’ll work on the nastiness — just please, give me a baby.

Most mornings I wake up and wish I was still sleeping. I tried so hard to figure out why this happened to me, what I did to deserve it, whether I had made some unwitting deal with my deity that I would see professional success but personally, was destined to years of suffering. I take it back. Am I being punished? Tested? I don’t know.

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because yesterday, I woke up feeling hopeful again. Bullishly ready, again, to start over. I got out of bed and shook my head. I closed my eyes and jumped for five minutes, shrieking at the top of my lungs every time I exhaled. I went to the kitchen to find my husband making toast. I hugged him, eyes welling, because I was too caught up in my extreme upset to appreciate his unwavering commitment to making me smile. I thanked him for collecting my bones when I couldn’t stand up straight, for watching 26 episodes of Friends next to me, even with a splitting migraine on Thanksgiving day. For letting me say terrible, terrible things to myself. For allowing me to indulge that harsh voice in my head — for understanding that this voice is just trying to protect me. Even though it doesn’t quite know how.

I called my mom to thank her too. For taking off work and spending full days at my apartment next to me eating bagels. She hates bagels. For stroking my hair and tucking me into bed, for forgiving me for having told her while I was still pregnant that I hope I could be a better mom than she was. That was a stupid thing to say. The most important thing I did, though, was start talking to myself. I mean really talking to myself.

I looked into the mirror and apologized, first for saying such nasty things. I thanked my body for recovering. I told us that it’s okay to be sad. That we would get through this, that we’re strong. I tried to give myself the advice that I would give to my own daughter. Or to my best friend. I congratulated my body for getting pregnant on its own. I commended it for holding a baby for 14 weeks. I assured it that together, we would hold another. Several others! Those times for much longer. I ran my fingers through my hair. I said “I love you.”

I’ve never had to be kind to myself, I realized, because of the strength of my support system.

But that’s a bullshit excuse. Without self-compassion, how can you possibly know how to receive someone else’s love? The doctors were right. I needed to take it easy, to relax, to not be so hard on myself. But that had nothing to do with how much work I did or didn’t do and absolutely everything to do with how I spoke to myself. How I let myself think. Believe.

You know, I sent an email to my team the evening I found out my pregnancy would be no longer. I’d like to share some of it with you — every bit members of my team. Maybe you will feel compelled to put some of it in practice.

The timing of this news feels almost fortuitous given the upcoming holiday season and if you are willing to do me a favor, I would love for each of you to take some time to make two lists. The first should be of the things you admire about yourself. Write them down and hang them on your fridge! Read this list every day. Add to it every time you think of something else. Look in the mirror with an understanding that in this world, during this lifetime, you only have only yourself for support and based on that tenet alone, there is no choice but to love yourself, so you are going to choose to treat yourself kindly. To ask yourself: Is what I am doing good for me? Is this the kind thing to do? What is my body telling me that it needs right now? Resolve to listen to the answers and hug yourself when it’s necessary. It’s okay to be hungry and eager to want to improve, it is not okay to push yourself so hard that when you get in front of that mirror, you can’t recognize who is staring back.

For the second list, I want you to write down at least three things you’re grateful for. They can be anything. If they are people, reach out to them and let them know they’re on your list. Apologize for whatever if you feel like you have to and then get up, get out and do something nice for an unassuming stranger. This can be anything.

Honestly, though, I’m still pretty broken. In some moments I’m strong and can almost feel a tiny finger tip clutching at my shoulder. In other moments, I am so weak that the best I can do is cancel every event on my calendar, hug my knees into my chest and close my eyes. But I’m also confident that with time — the greatest healer we know and have — the weak moments will get smaller and shorter. That when I say we’ll have our baby, no matter what it takes, I’ll genuinely believe it.

And you? You will have whatever you want. Just take care of yourself.

We’ll have our babies, no matter what it takes.

Illustration via Getty Images.

  • *sigh*

  • Anne-Marie Larson Earl

    I am so sorry you’re going through this! Try to stay positive, and if you want to be a mother, you will be. It just won’t necessarily be on your schedule. Lots of love to you and your family.

  • Lisa Koets

    Cried while reading this. You are amazing! I hope, wish, think and believe you will get what you deserve – and I mean that in a very, very positive way.

  • Erica

    We’re all rooting for you and your *soon to be* baby – never not cheering you on Leandra.

  • I can’t fully express how much your words in that email mean; I can tell you for certain that I cried while reading it. I am so sorry for your loss but also so inspired by your spirit and your hope. Thank you for sharing this.

    • Micah Lpez

      I also cried, I think its attributed to the fact that it isn’t common to see people being unapologetically vulnerable. It’s really hard to be so open about things that aren’t usually shared with strangers. It’s also very difficult to being light into situations that are so hard. it’s often easier to be more self critical than to turn a negative situation to a positive. I commend Leandra for sharing her story.

      • You hit the nail on the head. I keep coming back to MR partially because the writing is so damn good, partially because there’s this elusive sense of community I’ve yet to see anywhere else on the internet, but mainly because there’s vulnerability in their posts; it’s refreshing, it’s human, and I think it makes people feel less alone.

        • Emily Michaelis

          yes to elusive sense of community.

          • Right? Where else do people comment and engage with such fervor, and almost always with an underlying tone of warmth?

    • Rebeckah Kemi Apara

      Exactly. Leandra, you’re truly truly inspiring and so strong for sharing something so personal. I’m sorry for your loss too and can’t imagine how it must feel for you and your family. This may sound weird but thank you for sharing your emotions and opening an place for us to express how we feel too. Sending blessings and positivity to you Leandra xx

  • Mariana

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWHp2Bn0kdQ
    When I feel a little down I always remember this scene from The Help. This words sound very reassuring.
    Everything is going to be ok. “You is kind, You is smart, You is important.” You is going to be a mum!! Don’t even doubt that, your body just prove to you that it works and you’re on your way. (very easy to say, very hard to practice, I know…but we have to push each other!)

  • Liv

    Thank you for sharing your experience. For sharing something that isn’t always talked about but needs to be. Thank you.

  • Alyssa Neilson

    Praying for you, Leandra! x

  • Hi Leandra – thanks for this. All the best! Keep taking care of yourself, too. <3

  • DY

    We have never met, but I am sending all the love I have. This resonates deeply and I feel such appreciation for your willingness to be vulnerable and open. You set an incredible example for women to treat themselves with love and compassion. You are a true community leader. Sending strength and love. <3

  • MG

    I am so sorry for your loss but immensely grateful for your words and example. Take time for you. We will be here rooting for you, and eagerly awaiting your return.

  • crln lr

    Beautifully written, you’re a very inspiring person.
    Thank you for this.
    sending love x

  • my heart sunk just reading the title. i am so sorry. i pray you find a bit more strength and happiness as each day passes. thanks for always keeping it real. us peoples down here love you.

  • Eveline

    Wow… I actually said ‘oh no’ out loud when I saw the title of this piece. I’ve been rooting for you, if only for the selfish reason that I’ve been trying to get pregnant for up to 2,5 years as well. And although I selfishly struggle with every new pregnancy announcement, I really did hope you would have some positive news to share soon.

    It will be alright… for both of us.

    Thanks so much for sharing, Leandra. A very big hug…

  • Blair Taylor

    I have no doubt whatsoever that you’re going to make the most fabulous little copy we’ve ever seen, when the timing is perfect. Hugs and love from Paris, you’re fab.

  • Isadora de Andrade

    it’s very hard to give up control and trust the universe, specially when something as heart breaking as what you are going through happens. I admire your strength to have faith and to learn from pain. you ARE going to be an amazing mother, whenever that may happen. sending you lots and lots of love and light!

  • Isabel Hope

    Thank you for sharing. I hope you heal quickly from this devastating event ❤

  • elle

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a child in October. It was very early but that didn’t make it any less difficult. I over-shared it with people too. I offered up information unsolicited. And that seemed to help. I just wanted everyone to know that child existed and it was loved. I cried about how unfair life was, how cruel it was to take this child from me. The pain was nothing like I had ever experienced. We conceived again a few weeks later and I’m typing this while fighting through the nausea and hopeful that this one will be different. I am wishing you a speedy conception again when you’re ready, and a future healthy, uneventful pregnancy. Until then, please take care of yourself. Know that you’re not alone. Thank you for sharing with us.

    • Jul Mara

      Sending best wishes to you and your family as well!

    • Anne Dyer

      Congratulations and lots and lots of positive energy for a beautiful pregnancy.

    • Pamela

      This is amazing. Sending you well wishes and hoping for a healthy baby.

    • Naushin Azim-Bodis

      This made me cry. I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a baby last year and all I could think of in December was how I would have, should have, had a baby to hold at Christmas. And then I felt guilty and selfish because I have two healthy children who are the absolute joys of my life, so what right do I have to this sorrow? And yet I still catch myself thinking of the baby-who-was and what kind of person he or she would have been. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. You are right- time is the greatest healer. Give yourself space to grieve as you need to. I’ll work on those two lists.

  • Martyna

    I love you, Leandra.

  • Annie Lebherz

    I’ve read your blog since the beginning, it’s smart and hilarious. Thank you for sharing this. And keep it up, this is your journey for you. You are doing so beautifully.

  • Freija

    I am very sorry for your loss. Though we’ve never met, I very much admire you and your ability to be so open about this struggle. I really hoped your being quiet on the subject lately meant you were pregnant.. I am just so sorry. You are very brave and I really hope you have a baby soon.

  • Jul Mara

    This was so beautiful I have to walk away from my desk to process emotions. I’m so inspired that you’ve been able to move forward from a devastating loss to the knowledge that you are your own best friend and most important supporter, even while the pain is still very much present and real. Your ability to put your raw, genuine emotions into published words is a gift of understanding to everyone who reads what you share, and I am grateful for you and your writing. I wish you the best of luck, Leandra.

  • Veronica

    Thank you Leandra for this beautiful piece. Even though I have never met you in person I can confidently say that you are an amazing inspiration, and I am certain you are going to be a fantastic mother.

  • Andrea Raymer

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I admire how open you have been about this process through the past year and I have been praying for you every step of the way. Thank you for sharing this, I am so inspired by the hope that you have for the future. You are in my prayers!

  • me

    Dear Sis… Please take good care of yourself. Wishing you (and Abie) peace/strength.

  • Anna

    Thank you for being so brave and sharing.

    Sending love xx

  • Gillian

    I cannot say Thank You enough for writing this article and sharing your experience. I found out last week that I too was no longer pregnant and you sharing this couldn’t have come at more needed time. Thank you for your bravery, for sharing, for your honesty. Thank you for making me feel less awful and more “normal” for having the exact same thoughts and ideas. And thank you for replanting that seed of hope that we all need when life brings us down. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope for the both of us success on this long journey.

  • Hanna

    I am incredibly sorry for your loss Lenardra. If you ever read this, know that I admire your strength to show your very personal vulnerability in such a public environment. For me you are a role model, super woman and for sure will be an incredible mom! As someone who often struggles to find the right words to express my thoughts, you are a true inspiration in the way you share your experiences and thoughts so eloquently. You open up about issues that most women would remain silent about, because they fear to be seen as weak. To me, being open and honest about difficult matters is ultimate strength and I admire you very much for it. My thoughts are with you and I hope that you will feel a little bit better about yourself and your body every day. Take your time to heal from this experience and keep being who you are. You are a hero!

  • Molly

    Thank you for sharing this story so bravely. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • I wrote you before. After my first miscarriage, I got pregnant again right away. I heard the heart beat, It was so strong and loud! and It was only 5 weeks old. I put its picture to one of the empty frame in the bedroom.

    I was waking up everyday with a butterfly excitement in my belly and check out its very first handsome photo.

    And I supposed to see my doctor two weeks later. We couldn’t see any movement and any heart beat. I didn’t get it right away, he was not living anymore. My doctor told me she was very sorry and I was still telling her Is this certain? Are we sure he is really gone, again?…

    My doctor keeps saying me I’m young, my history with periods is healthy, my eggs look fine, and my hormone levels are normal.

    Yet, there is no baby around. I just had another miscarriage, I’m like you I sometimes feel I never have a baby but other times I can see myself with the most gorgeous baby. A human made by me and the person I love the most in the world.

    I started to believe that me and you have a baby at the same time. I know this is kind of silly but I guess we have this connection from apart. Because whenever I saw your writing about baby I have same thing.

    Thank you for sharing this. Makes me feel I am not alone.

  • Abbie

    Oh, Leandra. Thank you for sharing this. Sending you all the positive vibes.

  • GG

    This sounds extremely traumatic and I’m so sorry that you had to experience it. Have you ever thought about adoption? There are so many babies that need love that are not so privileged to be born into that love. It seems so ego-driven and selfish that we humans put so much time, energy and money into trying to conceive a baby just to have it be genetically linked to us.

  • fluffinella

    Love. From my heart to yours. What a vulnerable and incredible piece of writing, I felt like I was in the room with you. Grateful for writers like you…

  • Alex

    Thank you. Thank you for being so raw and unfiltered and honest. Thank you for being strong in your vulnerability to let us all see you. I am really moved by what you wrote and I too know you will have your baby. I will pray for you. You are not alone.

  • Florencia

    Just wanted to say that my mom lost a baby before having me…And now I’m here admiring you. Hard times are made for strong people like you! I’m sure life will bless you with such a cool baby. Thanks for this amazing post.

  • Zainab

    Sending a lot of good vibes and love your way. You bring happiness and smiles into so many lives, may all that love and happiness find its way back to you.

  • Maria

    I’m sharing this with someone who needs to hear it, not just read it, but have it spoken aloud. Thank you for your words. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from experiencing loss myself is that sharing and making other people feel understood in their own pain makes that loss, that terrible experience, count for something. You didn’t suffer in vain. And that helps make some sense of why this happen and that in itself heals.

  • Claire Brockelman

    I’m so sorry, you are so honest and open and I pray your baby will find his or her way to you soon.

  • Anon

    http://www.shutthefertilityup.com/ My sister wrote an incredible blog on her roller coaster journey.. .xx

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. Know you are not alone, I am pregnant but at the beginning of the process we lost one of the babies I was originally carrying and at week 14 I almost lost the other one. The doctors had me on medical bed rest for a month but all that time I felt like a failure. It is so scary to feel so fragile and helpless but, sometimes, all we have to do is make space to heal. You are doing great and everything will be okay in the end. Sending you all my best wishes, Leandra.

  • Mackenzie

    Wow what an amazing, moving piece. Thanks for being so honest, you are so strong in your vulnerability and openness, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss Leandra. Keep on keeping on girl, the amazing community of women you’ve built is supporting you and wishing you the best of luck as you move forward.

  • Mariana L

    Leandra, I’m just so sorry. I’m sure all the people you inspired with your work and shinny personality are deeply sorry. But reading this… I just realized this is what makes you so amazing. You are strong, loving and caring, no matter what. The world needs more people like you. You’ll get a beautiful, amazing baby, I’m sure. And please never stop writing, because this is your calling.

  • caoimhe

    IM ROOTING FOR YOU LEANDRA. Endless respect for your vulnerability and strength, there’s noone else like you

  • Leandra, Even though we’ve never met, I’ve always seen you as such a strong, determined woman with laughter in her heart. Like a hurricane wearing a bowtie. Reading this and following your struggles with fertility — even the moments when you hated yourself and thought it would never happen — only further cemented by belief in your strength. I admire you so much for being vulnerable and trusting us with this, even when your bowtie is askew. Being too young to fully understand what you’re going through I can only say that I’m sorry and that I hope you keep fighting. We love you.

  • Gwyn

    sending all my love to you leandra i am so sorry

  • casey

    sending lots of love to you leandra. i am so grateful for your words, spirit, and vulnerability. you’ve created something beautiful with man repeller and you will surely create an equally vibrant and special new life. i’m rooting for you.

  • MMR

    Leandra, thank you. I cannot imagine how difficult this was to write and edit and post on MR… I am so deeply sorry for you loss. Your words have inspired me to learn how to love myself, to look around me and be able to express my gratitude for life… I wish you all the best in your journey to motherhood and hope your baby finds his/her way to you and your husband soon, from the little I know about you guys I am sure you will make great parents and lovely role models.

  • Leandra, I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I can’t imagine that pain. I’m glad to hear you have a support system and you’re taking care of yourself. It’s ok if you don’t feel fully yourself for a while though. Love.

  • Bailey Stark

    Leandra, I am extremely sorry you and your loved ones had to experience this. I cannot imagine the pain. I appreciate you sharing your story with all of us, and want to remind you that we love you. We love the brand you’ve created, we love the articles you write, we love your Instagram captions, and (most importantly) we love how you are unapologetically you 24/7. You continue to inspire me with your strength. Keep fighting. You will be graced with a little bambino soon enough! Thank you for being you. <3 you!

  • arimat123

    I never comment on anything but I’ve read manrepeller every day for years and follow you on every social media and should probably say now that you are so amazing – just read this as a study break in the library and made it me cry because it is so honest – you are so strong for getting through this and even more so for being able to manifest your pain into a way to help those around you and spread positivity. (also your style obviously but sticking to the topic of this piece). sending you love you are so wonderful!!!!!!

  • EmilyWilson

    Leandra, I’m so sorry. As someone who has struggled with infertility for 12 years, I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’ve walked a similar path. It’s a path of grieving with no funerals, of asking “why?” to the ceiling, of missing someone you’ve never met. It’s putting up with well-meaning but recklessly insensitive comments, and it’s blocking a lot of people in your social media feeds for the preservation of your own mental health. You are defining new limits for your own courage and scrappiness–you are going to be okay.

    • Roxana

      Oh, Emily, your words are very wise. I am so sorry for your struggle. I hope and pray you continue to find peace and fulfillment in your life.

    • PCE

      Asking “why” to the ceiling… yes. So many times.

  • Grace B

    Thank you for your honesty Leandra. And for sharing this journey with us.

  • Dear Leandra

    It’s so heartbreaking to read this, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll get a baby real soon, it would be so wonderful and you’ll be such a great, smart, fun and loving mom. I have faith that it will happen for you and I wish i could do something for you to make you feel better for now. Love and support from Belgium.

  • Meghan Bas

    My thoughts and heart are with you Leandra. While I am not yet trying for a child, I can only imagine the difficulty you have been going through and the immense pain you are feeling. You are such an inspiration to me on a daily basis when I read your content, please know that your presence in the internets is extremely important to many of us. Keep being you, you are wonderful and deserve only the best.

  • Keerthana Sivakumar

    You are a rockstar for sharing this. Lotsa good luck and well wishes your way!

  • Charlotte

    I got a lump in my throat when I read the title. I’m terribly sorry. I’ve typed several sentences, but I struggle finding the right words. Just know that we all hope the best for you, are wishing you well and are here when you want us to be.

  • olivia

    The sheer fact that you are reaching out to other women, loved ones and strangers alike, at such a personally difficult time, with the aim to make them feel good about themselves, just further demonstrates what an amazing woman you are — and what an incredible mom you will surely be, whenever and however it happens. All good thoughts. x

  • Vanessa

    I’m so sorry for your lost Leandra. It was incredible brave to share our journey with us. Im rooting for you. Stay strong, I send you my love.

  • Jennifer

    Leandra,
    I’m so sorry for the loss you and your husband experienced.The loss of a pregnancy is unlike any other loss- it’s devastating and can totally screw with your psyche. I had 6 miscarriages before finally having my son. It took a journey of tears and gumption to end up with the result my husband and I wanted. You gave your best advice in that email- follow through and be good to yourself.
    If you would like- I once had a blog that helped me during that time of my life – not sure it would help you find solace but the link is below:
    Finding-the-gold.blogspot.com

  • jiggahava

    I’m so sorry for your loss. this was a beautiful, brave post.

  • Rose

    I’m rooting for you, Leandra.

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there twice. It is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I did get my baby though. Three of them… but not all at once. I hope you get all the babies you want. You are loved.

  • INESVP

    <3

  • Lorena

    Thank you, you are an awesome person, you are loved and respected by people you don’t even know. I can’t comprehend your pain, or all of your feelings, but I can tell you you are loved and are being prayed for. Your words are also loving and conforting for people that are suffering a diffrent suffering than yours.

  • Stephanie

    Your journey and mine are remarkably similar in many ways. I have sat in your chair and I feel your pain. You are right about time being the best healer. People will say all sorts of well-intentioned but incredibly unhelpful things to you: you just need to relax, try accupuncutre, eat organic, gain weight, lose weight, take herbal supplements, etc. Take it all with a grain of salt, they’re trying to be helpful but really I think you’re doing the right things- consulting with your doctor and pursuing a course of treatment that you and your husband are comfortable with. In the end there is only so much we can control, and so much is unknown. Life is both fragile and strong at the same time. You have my condolences, I wish you comfort and I wish you peace.

  • LEANDRA! YOU ARE MAGICAL! YOU ARE STRONG!
    SENDING YOU ALL OF THE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

  • Briana Gonzalez

    So so sorry for your loss Leandra. I know to be true that when we’re hurting, pretty much all people hate being told that 1. things will get better or 2. other people understand what you’re going through — but both of these things are true. Your self awareness even in the face of something so awful is (per usual with you) an inspiring feat that you should be so very proud of. Your community (the larger one that you don’t personally know) is here for you, and we would all probably be happy to sit on your bed with you while you eat bagels. I sure would. Thinking of you and Abie <3

  • mollie blackwood

    Leandra, you are awesome. You’re so awesome I’ve had two dreams about meeting you. Is that weird? Ha. Keep on keeping on.

  • Gintė

    I am so so sorry for your loss, Leandra.
    As silly as it sounds, in these circumstances, you are a tough cookie, a brave, strong, smart, inspiring woman. And you can survive everything, even though I wish you didn’t need to.
    Thank you for sharing with us, and for trusting us with your personal life.

  • JB

    you’re not alone. xx

  • Sara s.

    All I can say is I’m sorry and I feel your pain. After what seemed like a long time trying to conceive, I finally did last August and went from being overjoyed (feeling so grateful and full of love for the little life inside me) to depressed and just a shell of myself when the baby stopped growing and miscarried at 9 weeks. I felt terrible that I hadn’t told some of my best friends about the pregnancy so when I lost it I vowed to myself that I would tell my best friends (my support system) the next time I fell pregnant so they could celebrate the joy with me and be there for me in case things didn’t work out as expected. Take your time to mourn – the life of that baby was very real as were all the plans I’m sure you made around the baby. I found myself feeling like my dreams for that little life were crushed and that I could never recover from such a loss. I wanted to fill that void ASAP – I did get pregnant a few months after the miscarriage and unfortunately it was ectopic – they described it to me as “bad luck”.. Again. We debated IVF but ultimately after tests confirming my tubes were fine and hormone levels were normal, we opted medicated timed intercourse and then went on to do an IUI. I’m currently 19 weeks with my IUI baby and she is healthy as can be. She’s due around the same time my first pregnancy was due. Sometimes I can hardly believe she is really inside me because the road to get here has felt very long and has taught me patience and as you mentioned (which is so important) not to be so hard on myself. Time truly does heal. Take your time to mourn and when you begin trying again remind yourself that you can get pregnant, you will get pregnant and before you know it you’ll be holding that little dream in your arms and the journey to bring that life into the world will feel so worthwhile. Stay strong! Thank you for sharing!

  • sarah

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing your grief with us. I have so many friends who’ve had miscarriages and while I haven’t ever been pregnant myself, I know the healing power of not isolating ourselves in grief. It is okay to mourn. It is okay to be so so sad. You are not alone.

  • Rebeca

    Gracias por compartir. Thank you for sharing, such powerful words. I will love myself more than I did before reading your experience. Gracias Leandra. From a mexican admirer of yours.

  • Therese Lindberg

    Light and love <3

    • Kelsey Moody

      Same here, sending love and light

    • Vivien Hackenhaar

      light and love <3

  • Roxana

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    We lost our first baby, a boy, at 24 weeks. The doctors didn’t even try to save him. Because of the complications I’d had, he was too small. He died in my husband’s arms. He couldn’t even draw a breath, but we could see his little heart pounding in his chest. It was utterly and completely devastating. He would have been seven this coming January.

    I agree with you. It is a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. I think what I found so hard was that I felt like a mother, but I had no “proof.” I had the heart of a mother. Indeed, as I look on it now (2 healthy kids and another on the way), I realize that I was indeed a mother. Our little Nathaniel made me a mother. It took accepting that to help me heal. I also wrote him a slew of letters. That little baby you lost made you a mother. Even though you won’t be able to hold him or her, you are a mama.

    I ended-up sharing our loss with everyone. I’d also been on bed rest from week 8, so it was hard not to tell people. I don’t know if there is such a thing as “over-sharing.” “On friend in particular was annoyed, I could tell, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to dishonor my son because it made her uncomfortable. When people say “Oh! Expecting a third!” I sometimes correct them “Actually, it’s our fourth.” Even though it can be so awkward.

    I don’t know what the future holds for you, but you will get through this. That numbness, that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, it will go away. Don’t push yourself too hard, though. Let yourself grieve. Take each day as it comes. Sometimes it’ll feel like 10 steps forward, 9 steps back, etc. You’ll find yourself in the middle of a freaking bakery and will burst into tears. That is okay.

    You can do this. You are not alone.

    • GA1204

      Thank you for your response.

    • JennyR

      Thanks for your comforting words Roxana, and sorry for your loss.

    • Doubting Thomas

      Roxana, yours is also the heart of a champion.

    • Anne Dyer

      Beautiful.

    • Kelly

      Thank you for this. I don’t yet have children that made it, but I have had two losses, one at 16 weeks and what you wrote about feeling like a mother but not having “proof” really rang true for me.

      My husband and I have also shared this quite openly, but recently had dinner with friends who were visiting from out of town and were going to share details with them of what has been a particularly rough year for us. But they first announced that she is pregnant. It didn’t feel like the right time to share what we’ve been through, and we will share another time soon, but one of the hardest parts about that evening for me was talking to her about her pregnancy and understanding how she’s feeling, and offering advice, but pretending it was knowledge from friends rather than my own experience.

      It was the first time I have been in a situation like that where I hadn’t acknowledged my own pregnancy, and I did it out of choice, but it was very strange. I realized that there will likely be more instances where I don’t feel it’s the right time to share and I will sit quietly knowing just how it feels to be pregnant and to be anticipating my life as a mother. I am sure there are a lot more women out there who don’t have “proof” of being a mother.

      We have some additional challenges so we are not sure if we will have our own children or start looking into adoption, but yes, I really feel like a mother, without a child, and your comment made me tear up. So sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing.

      • Kelly

        If only I could edit or delete this comment, I am horrified by my first line “I don’t yet have children that made it”. Rolling my eyes at myself. So many other ways I could have said this and that’s what I said?

        Beautiful words, Roxana, thank you.

        • Jen

          Don’t be so hard on yourself Kelly. I knew what you were trying to say. Wishing you all the very best.

          • Kelly

            Thank you, Jen <3

  • oh Leandra – my heart to you. you will be well again. be kind to yourself. i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks too. i know your pain but also know you will authentically happy again. ❤️❤️❤️

  • ValiantlyVarnished

    First I simply want to say I am so sorry for your loss. And then secondly I want to say thank you for sharing your story and being so open. As someone who is battling through a bout of depression hearing you say be kind to yourself is something that I personally have been trying to remind myself of everyday. We as women judge ourselves so harshly about pretty much everything.

  • Gretel Stroh

    Leandra, sending you hugs and hope. As a cancer survivor, who then went through a failed IVF, and then spontaneously became pregnant, hugs and hope are what matter

  • Veronica G

    I’m sorry for your loss, Leandra. I admire your ability to put this into words. I had been listening to Monocycle and felt a personal connection to your situation. Your honesty and openness are just two of the many things I admire about you, and, while none of my life events to date have come close to this kind of experience, I hope that your words will guide me. Take care of yourself. Best wishes.

  • My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I want to say thank you for sharing your story- the emotional pain of suffering through both infertility and miscarriage is so real and yet so many keep it bottled up inside. Thank you for giving a voice to that pain. On a happier note, I am so confident that you will have your baby. You should know that after following the part of your journey you’ve shared with us, it’s clear that you will be a wonderful mother.

  • Monica

    Wow. What amazing courage you have to tell your story. So sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing this with us because it really gives me hope and direction to make it through extremely hard times like yours. I suffer from low self-esteem so these tips won’t go ignored. Thank you and keep going.

  • Amy Mills

    oh, leandra – I am so sorry. big hugs from this big community of strong, hopeful women that you created xoxo

  • Serena

    Leandra I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve followed your IVF story and all your monocycle episodes and I can’t imagine the heartache you must be going through. Well done on the amazing self awareness and subsequent self love you’ve been able to find in the midst of this tragedy.
    And thank you for sharing your powerful words and personal story with all of us.
    You are an amazing inspiring human being and one day you will be just that to a baby- you deserve only good things.
    Big hugs from Dubai X

  • Grace Kenney

    Thank you so much for being so brutally honest and sharing this with us. I can feel your pain through the screen. It is heartbreaking. You are so strong and so admirable, you have no idea how many people look up to you. I can see how good of a mother you will be, you already are to your team and to your readers. You teach lessons that are invaluable and important. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you feel so sad. We are all with you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being so honest.

  • Lauren

    I never comment on blogs – this is my second time ever commenting on an article on a blog…my first was another time you posted about your battle with infertility. I am commenting because it took my husband and I two years to get pregnant with our son. It happened miraculously in our 2nd round of IVF. So many people have such different journeys to getting their baby – it is really insane. Your story is so heartbreaking, and no one else in the world knows how you felt. This is your story, your strength that shines through, your lesson to yourself, your chance to inspire others in pain to find strength and love (which you do so eloquently here)…your realization that you need to love yourself and care for yourself. (Which is also such an important lesson in motherhood!!!! And as far as I am concerned, you become a mother the day you decide you want to be!!) The struggle with infertility, the depression, the sadness…there are studies that show that it is as deep and dark a place as people fighting cancer. I used to wonder about this…because, I do not have cancer, how can I ever put myself in that boat? My aunt died of cancer, I was close with her, and it was so devastating, and when she finally passed, I remember my cousin calling me to tell me, and I felt so low that it felt like I was standing off the edge of a cliff of a tall mountain – that feeling where your breath is taken away and you can’t do anything to get it back. But then while going through our battle, I realized why it is such a dark place…if we cannot bring life into this world – and we WANT to more than anything and we are READY to become parents and create a human life – then it is a feeling like dying. It is as deep and as dark and as scary and as unknown. I went to such deep and dark places where I thought I’d never climb out of my hole. But then at some point following a loss or a failure, (which was monthly) I woke up and felt the same thing you did. I moved on. I took deep breaths. I meditated. I smiled at myself in the mirror. I went to yoga classes where the teachers would speak to the class about grounding yourself, and I would sit with my eyes closed and cry happy tears streaming down my cheeks that I am alive and all is well, and I thought of my husband. My strong, dear husband who knew with all his heart we would have a baby and so much so that he just kept repeating it to me every time I cried to him or got mad or get angry at the world or at my younger sister who had not one, but two babies, while we were trying. And he was right. And as much as it hurt when he said that to me, because I did not believe him most of the time, thank God one of us was strong enough to believe in it. You will get your baby. And she or he will be a TOTAL miracle and change your life in every way possible, so that when you look back on this time, you know will know it was ALL worth it. Every. Single. Minute. Was worth it.

  • Rosie

    Thank you so much for sharing, Leandra. The entire ManRepeller community cares about you so much, and I hate to read how much you are hurting. But I’ve learned over years of following your journey here that you seem to be one of the strongest, most confident, self-assured people that I know (or feel like I know!), and you are doing everything right by taking care of yourself first and foremost. Everything else comes after. I’m so proud of you. Endless x’s and o’s

  • julie

    earlier this afternoon, I wrote my youngest daughter about your miscarriage and encouraged her to read this piece. We love you, Leandra

  • Ana Vla

    I’m so, so sorry Leandra. I can’t stop crying and I can’t start to imagine how you felt. I send you all the internet hugs and kisses you need and you know we as a community are here to support you when you need it. I don’t know you personally but I feel as if this happened to one of my closest friends. I hope all the best for you, really. Everything will be ok, all the love for you <3

  • Paula

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You don’t deserve it. No one does. Sending all the love and luck, thank you for sharing.

  • Kelly’s Gross-o

    Stay strong Leandra! This group of women is here because of you. You bring people together, you build community. I’m sure you’ll be able to build a beautiful family one day too. I am so sorry for your loss, and so thankful for what you’ve given us.
    We support you!

  • nicholeNYC

    I appreciated this whole article and feel like your insights (and tender conclusions) are timeless. My miscarriage happened 17 years ago and while I went on to have 3 amazing kids and to be happily raising them here in the city, the pain of that experience still feels like yesterday. Not that I didn’t heal, I did, but in a weird scar that didn’t fade like other things that have happened. It kind of evolved into this brand of compassion for others but would you believe I’m still working on applying that to myself though? (I’m a slow learner) So your journey of ‘hating’ yourself then loving yourself in conclusion to your loss was really touching. When I miscarried I felt so isolated and so rejected. Rejected by my body, by my God, by my ‘life plan’. Like somehow I wasn’t good enough, an exception, disinvited. Past mistakes or choices were coming back to shame me all over again. I feel like it is still unresolved and tender, is that terrible? So your email to your staff I think I need to apply to myself. Why do we love others so easily, so readily, but at our weakest we somehow think we are the exception to any rules? We aren’t. xo -n

  • Belen Baquerizo

    I love you

  • Allison Russo

    Leandra–your energy is such a positive addition to the often “fake,” cluttered blogosphere. I’ve been following MR for years and been constantly inspired to continue my own blog and developing my voice. THANK YOU for sharing this experience with the world, for being honest and brave.

  • PortlandOregonManRepeller

    Leandra – I am so sorry you went through this. I’m not an ‘everything happens for a reason’ type, but the Thanksgiving holiday must have brought some peace to be with loved ones who cherish you. Wishing you all the best. Thank you for making this community laugh, teaching us to take ourselves a little less seriously, and learn a bit about ourselves along the way.

  • Lily J

    i’m sorry for your loss and thank you for being vulnerable. send love and bundles of positivity to you and your family

  • Andrea

    I have had 6 miscarriages total. One of them was also at 14 weeks. I also had heard the heartbeat & felt I was out of the “danger period”. The baby had a congenital defect called an omphalocele, which is incompatible with life. My doctor said “it’s nature’s way…blah blah blah. I had to carry the dead fetus inside me for a week to shrink my uterus so I could have a D&C. Awful. I should also say that I had 1 other miscarriage before this one & 1 healthy pregnancy right before which resulted in a beautiful daughter. Then 5 more miscarriages. I felt like a failure as a woman. Therapy followed. I also went to 2 fertility drs. My husband, ever the wise one said “count your blessings”. I stopped fertility treatment & came to terms with what I did have. & 6 months later, I was going under the knife 2 remove my right ovary due to what I found out was a benign dermoid cyst. So, I guess I was only meant to have one. She’s now 28. It sounds like you are on a good path in going/getting through this. I know it’s so hard, because it gets at your core being, who you see yourself as. When I went through it, there was no internet & everyone I knew that I could talk to was pregnant, soiavoided them. I think you will get through this fine. & you are young enough to try again. My best wishes to you and if you ever want to talk, I live here in the city. Xo

  • Molly D

    Hang in there, girl. You can do it. You are doing it.

  • Sarah

    You are strong, you are brave, and you are loved. Thank you for sharing your experiences and continually encouraging others. I hope you keep some of that encouragement for yourself.

  • Laura Chavoen

    I’m sorry. Such simple and seemingly innocuous word, but heartfelt. And thank you for finding the courage, the drive, the desire to share this. Because not only does it allow us to be there for you, it has helped me process and deal with my own struggles in new ways, breathing new life into my fight with depression, my struggles with my roles as a Woman, a Professional, a Wife, a Friend. May each step you take be shared, and be trusted, regardless of direction. You are not alone, you are loved, you are respected. xo

  • Fiona

    I am so devastated for you. But what a beautiful way to work through your pain, thank you for sharing. We’re incredibly lucky to have you in our lives.

  • Johanna

    So sorry, MR. But be brave, your day will come.

  • This was both harrowing and beautiful. My love to you and your husband, Leandra. Thank you for sharing your life with us, not just those parts that look shiny and amazing.

  • Sarah

    oh no. i’m crying at work.

  • thank you for being so honest. it does not go unappreciated. <3

  • Stine

    Im so sorry Leandra. You are my hero. Yes you will have a baby.
    Be kind – always – also to yourself .

  • Georgina Marioni

    It takes one gutsy graceful lady to be so open and vulnerable as you are. I have gone through 3 miscarriages so I feel your loss and am so extremely sorry for it. It seems like no one can ever say or do the right thing to make you feel better. I was irritated and snappy (when I was not crying) with my beautiful loving husband until I realized it was his loss too. You are going to be OK, because you have to be, because you can and most of all, because you deserve it. It feels shitty when people only talk about their successes, you feel like you are a loser because bad things happen to you, so thank you for sharing this.

  • Rebecca Smith

    Terrifically strong girl you are. Hope you feel us all standing by you. Also, someone below called you Lenardra. Hope that made you laugh.

  • Ellie

    Honestly the admiration I feel for you right now is inexplicable, I know you don’t know me and probably won’t really feel compelled to do otherwise, but through whatever you write, you can really transfer your soul and character.This character is my role model, confident, happy, humurous & full of life, kindness and power….I also know that this is probably one of the hardest thing someone could possibly experience and sometimes people can’t get through it. But you’re not just someone, you can get through it, and I really admire and aspire to be that powerful one day.Thank you some much for inspiring me to be the person I want to be in every step of the way. (i hoped that the self exploration thing wouldn’t sound self-ish, i was going for ‘you should be proud for making people feel proud of themselves’)
    Be happy Leandra!
    xx

  • Meredith

    Leandra, I am so very sorry for your loss. I’ve lost four, and my heart goes out to you. I am glad to hear you are being kind to yourself and leaning on your support network. The timing of this post is…eerie, divine, a little of both? Perhaps one day I will drop you a line to explain. For now, know that your words play a small part in giving me clarity and courage to about moving forward with my dream of creating a resource to help women heal after miscarriage. XO

  • My heart is broken for you and your husband Leandra. I admire you for sharing your journey to motherhood so openly. Though this pregnancy did not end how you imagined/dreamed it would, I am celebrating the fact that you WERE able to get pregnant naturally! Keep loving yourself and your body. It is my prayer for you that you will have the baby that you desire and already love so deeply.

  • Marion A.

    Lenardra thank you for sharing this, and thank you for your honesty.

  • Joanna

    Leandra I just had a miscarriage on November 14. I was ten weeks and had seen the strong heartbeat twice and felt so sure this was it. After a year and half of trying , two IUI’s , both that ended in early miscarriage this may and July. Then finally IVF in September which led us to this baby. I thought for sure it was a sure thing.
    I feel your pain . I’ve been in a dark place ever since we found out and have said the meanest most awful things to myself these past three weeks.
    Your a strong amazing mother. No matter how long you carried that baby , you did and that makes you a mom. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you nothing but the best on your journey to motherhood. You will hold that baby soon.

  • caroline

    Leandra,
    First, let me tell you how truly, incredibly sorry I am for your loss. The pain you are feeling is something no woman should ever have to experience. It is one of the greatest tragedies of life and I wish you peace and understanding in the days coming. You are loved, and you are not alone.
    I have been reading this blog since you posted about a nasty email commenting on your appearance. That post spoke to me in many similar ways that this one did. I have always admired candidness. You write what is on your mind and put it out to the world come praise or disapproval. You unknowingly buildup so many women, especially me; 24 years old and literally wandering around Dallas, Texas not really knowing what I am doing with my life. You speak with truth and humor and kindness and you will be a mother one day. You will be a mother who raises her children to be the kind we need in this world: honest, kind, smart and trailblazing. They will be good people because you are a good person. I am praying for you, Leandra. I hope you know how many people love you, are thinking of you, and are encouraging you from afar.

  • Daniela

    I was just telling my boyfriend that you are certainly the most beautiful person on the buziness. I thought that before I read this text and I think that now. You are the best. And you’ll get through it as you always did and always will. Thank you for your honesty. For being so genuine. For making us feel and be better. Trust me, you will for sure be fine. Time, as you said, is the best doctor. My thaughts are on you. Love, Daniela.

  • Diane

    So sorry for your loss. Another blogger I follow just wrote about her experience with miscarriage as well so I share it here in case it helps others.

    http://www.sosasha.com/2016/11/miscarriage-the-exclusive-club-women-dont-want-to-belong-to/

  • Oh my gosh Leandra, crying. So much love to you. That bit in your email to the team couldn’t have been more timely, as well. I’ll be thinking of you this holiday season and sending healing vibes <3

  • Antoinette

    Leandra, you’re right. You’re going to be ok. I’m not saying this simply to comfort you, I’m saying this to comfort us- you and I, and all the women going through this incredibly awful thing. I have intimate knowledge of the deep yearning you shared. I am, and have been utterly consumed by the desire to have my own child. To give life to, and feel a human growing in me, with me, and watch it grow outside of me, is one of my greatest desires, and the most epic failure I have on record in my life. I have tried so hard that I’m tired of trying. Three failed cycles and one (natural) miscarriage later I’m still trying. I have moments when I want to give up, when I rummage through my entire life, wondering if it was something I did, to myself or someone else, and this is punishment. I’ve been steadily searching for that one horrible thing that justifies the denial of a child. It is painful and all consuming, but somehow before I go to bed I always have hope. Hope that it will manifest, that miracles happen and one day I will carry and hold my child or children in my arms. This is usually after a full day of questioning God, the universe, karma or whoever it is that brings life to wombs. This hope, is my saviour. It brings the renewal of belief, a sense of relief, and permission to release myself (albeit temporarily) from doubt and the continuous tearing apart of my entire life.

    I’m happy you have so much support and I appreciate your openness. I’m extremely private. I hardly comment online and it is even more rare for me to talk about this with too many folks. I’ve spoken to a handful of people about my fertility issues and at times I regret it, because they ask questions I find intrusive, although I know they are coming from a place of concern. Also, everyone (it really seems like everyone) around me has kids, or is pregnant. I have found that even though there is a little sting at the reveal, if I immediately fill my heart with joy for them, there is no room for jealously or envy, and I am able to and look at their pictures and all the trimmings and genuinely be happy for them. Sending lots of love and light your way from a person who has been, and in many ways still is where you are. You’ll be ok. Hang tight. Much love, Antoinette.

  • Emily C

    Oh, Leandra, I’m sending you love and strength. I have friends who have had struggles with infertility and miscarriages, and it seems so impossible and terrifying. They are all excellent mothers now, to biological and adopted children. I think in each case reaching out, like you did here, helped them find community. Pregnancy is such a wild and unpredictable thing – my second child, Isaiah, was born at 31 weeks and nothing in my life prepared me for what that was going to be like. He was – is – healthy, and just turned one, but the pain and isolation of that early unexpected birth, and the weeks in the hospital not being able to hold him, that still hurts. Which I don’t think Inacknowledge enough.
    You have a wonderful community here, and I hope you can find the support and love you need to get you through this, and to help you help yourself through it.

  • Duchessofbuckingham

    I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. As others have said, I read your blog and follow you on social media and cannot tell you how I enjoy what you have to say . I’ve never lost a child, but so admire how you’ve shared your story as well as a piece of yourself with your readers. So brave and so not easy and you do it with such grace and ease. Keep doing what you do….living your life as your best self, sharing your joy as you go….

  • Sangmin

    Dear Leandra, I am a devote reader of your blog. I am thankful for you to make decision to share your vulnerability while you are still in such difficult time. I ve been going through tough times due to self-hatered and low self-esteem I grew inside for the past couple of years. I am sending you a full support wishing that things get turn around to heal your current pain and escape from the depression (don’t let it consume or hallucinate u!). You seem already on the right track to get back to be “strong” agaub , we all have good and bad times in our life.,. just like spring comes after winter ends.

  • Alexis Thomolaris

    I want you to know how INCREDIBLE you are. How loved you are, by so many, especially those closest to you, but most importantly by all of us. People you’ve never met hold you in the specialist of places in their hearts. You have touched so many lives already Leandra, and you WILL be the best mother. No doubt about it. Hey, you’ve been like a mother, sister, and best friend all wrapped into one for me, and that’s a GD tough job. Wish I could give you the biggest hug. Here is a virtual one 😘

  • Caroline

    Oh Leandra so sorry. When I lost my baby I was depressed for about a year. I remember doing mundane tasks and just balling. Crying in the bathroom at work, crying cleaning up my house. I felt like I lost so much hope. And I later found out I did have a fertility issue. But I got through the rough period and now have a boy and girl. Good luck, it will take time but you’ll make it happen.

  • Alison

    Leandra, I am so sorry for you and your family. Sending lots of love.

  • Aza Ziegler

    powerful. Any human- especially working for themselves creatively is so hyper critical of themselves. We fight to prove we can do anything. We think we can do anything, thats how we pull ourselves out of lows etc. It’s important to remember no matter the circumstance- self care & self love pervail, always. Putting love out into the world is the most powerful tool to reach achievement and success in any venture. Love is the only tool to nurture our babies (whether they are human or projects!) thank you for this- i really appreciate such an honest article. sending love your way.

  • Yutong Qin

    First comment on MR – Leandra, I really appreciate your message. I have the same issue hating myself sometime, thinking I’m not good enough that I haven’t achieved whatever that looks good in other people’s standard or have what I thought I really should have at the moment. So your words makes me tear up and want to hug myself very so tightly and tell me I love me.

    Also, I’m really sorry for your loss. I don’t know what will happen and I’m not the one to tell you it will be ok. However, I do believe there is always a bigger picture to the highs and lows in life. As your blog follower, I will keep reading, be with you and pray for you. Xo.

  • Kathleen

    Wow…. Just Wow. Incredibly touching and inspiring piece. Thank you for sharing Leandra.
    Keep Smiling 🙂

  • Leandra, so sorry for your loss. The way you’ve been sharing the processes and the pains of your trying to get pregnant has been brave and wonderful. Thank you for this honest post which I have no doubt has helped not only anyone who has been through this kind of heartbreak, but has reminded a whole heap of us the importance of being kind to ourselves.

    I’m sure I speak for the majority of MR readers when I say that we are sending you all the good vibes and well wishes.

  • Thank you, thank you for sharing these words and for being the person that you are. xx

  • LDM

    Leandra – thank you for sharing. I’ve suffered this as well and greatly appreciate you using your platform to discuss this. At the time, I felt very isolated and alone. I hope that your words will help others like me who didnt have anyone to talk to about their loss. It took me over a hundred episodes of Friends to get out of bed (what is it with our generation finding solace in that show?) but I understand all of these feelings and am glad you shared.

  • Chiara Settineri

    I’ve always been in awe of you, and this absolute, pure strength is just one reason why. When I saw the title of this article, I genuinely shuddered — air left my lungs. I remember listening to the Monocycle podcasts about your whole process with IVF, and my heart physically ached listening to your frustration with your own biology. I understood your anger on every level. Even though I don’t know you personally, I could feel every single one of your emotions in each word you spoke.

    Your strength is absolutely mind-boggling. You just keep pushing through it all, and for the life of me, I don’t know how you do it. I’m so infinitely sorry for your loss; I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through. This might sound odd, but in a way, I wish I had been there for you when you were struggling through it. Your sharing of such a personal experience is one of the bravest feats I have seen in a long time.

    As for the times when the self-loathing creeps in without warning, I hope that you look in the mirror and see what every single one of your readers see in you. They— we — aspire to be just a fraction of the person you are. Because you are not solely a successful writer and entrepreneur, but you inspire people to be the rawest form of themselves and to rejoice in their own essence, to embrace their passions and to empower others.

    I could go on forever. You’re just incredible, and it kills me to hear that at times you don’t see it. I wish you the best always — you deserve everything the world can give you and more.

  • Lily

    Leandra, this is my first time commenting on MR and I normally wouldn’t, but your bravery to share such a beautifully written and very personal piece inspired me to at least raise my voice in solidarity. On one hand, I can’t even comprehend at this moment exactly what you’re going through- I’m only 16 and that stage in my life seems so so far. But on the other hand, I really can because I constantly think about having a child, my child, and little moments with them, like holding them close, teaching them new words, hearing about their school day, etc. It’s always in the back of my mind and, like you state above and have before, this firm belief that one day my dream will become a reality is what keeps me going. Have faith. Have faith in that belief because deep deep down I’m so positive it’s true and real. You’re meant for it. You’ll get there, and the entire MR community and myself won’t even be surprised!! I’m so glad you shared, thank you so much.

  • ApocalypsoFacto

    Leandra,
    I am so, so sorry this happened to you…
    Ten years ago I went through something very similar – infertility struggles followed by a surprise pregnancy followed by pregnancy loss. It is a lonely, frightening, infuriating, painful path to walk. One I would not wish on my worst enemy. I wish I could say something that would take your pain away or make you feel any better…I could say things that would maybe help but I remember hearing those things from people, and wanting to rip their faces off. Because this is bad, bad pain and the only way I felt better was letting myself be in pain. I didn’t feel then like anyone really understood my pain, and I can say with authority I don’t understand your pain, or where you are right now. All I can say is, I am so sorry for your loss.
    Maybe I can say one thing. There is another place you will get to, eventually, on the other side of this journey. Until then please know you are surrounded by light and good wishes, coming at you from so many people. Please take care of yourself.

  • Jill Sharp

    I’m so sorry, Leandra. Peace to you and your family.

  • ek24

    The same thing happened to me, but two weeks earlier. (and I know, two weeks makes a huge difference.) The comment that I could hold onto came from a friend who was a doctor. After I told her about all the things that maybe I did to cause this, she said, “Well, miscarriages are usually the result of a serious chromosomal issue. There aren’t always so many shades of black and white. The fetus is viable or it is not.” It sounds so clinical but to know that it wasn’t a result of me doing something wrong, or that I should have done differently, and that that child would not have been a healthy child if it had somehow made it, gave me some peace of mind. I had two very early miscarriages and one at twelve weeks. But I also now have three beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. I hope that despite the pain you can see this as a message from the universe that you can and you will get pregnant. It’s weird but somehow it seems like it’s easier when your body is “used to” being pregnant – when it’s already been there. He or she is out there, waiting. The stars will align. xo

  • Oh Leandra, I’m so sorry. I’ve lost babies, too. And I’ve had two babies after multiple miscarriages. I don’t know why I’m commenting except that, in the thick of it, I just wanted to hear that someone else had conceived and given birth after loss. So there’s that. FWIW, I ended up taking progesterone during pregnancy. I think it made the difference in my case, even though my blood tests were all OK. xo

  • Tigg

    I’m sorry for your loss, Leandra. And I’m happy to see the strength in all the women writing comments here. This is for you… Take care!

  • Sarah Wild

    Sending Power and (Self-)Love all the way from Berlin <3

  • anoushka

    Thank you for sharing this -so beautiful – i was in tears. Women feel the pain of women – and we rise you rise not just for you but for all of us who have felt pain <3

  • anoushka

    Thank you for sharing this -so beautiful – i was in tears. Women feel the pain of women – and when you rise, you rise not just for you – but for all women – i command you for rising for you, for rising for me and for rising for us <3

  • Ana Augusta Ribeiro

    This will change a lot of people. Thanks for sharing this with us. I hope you feel a little bit better everyday, and now this: your baby is looking up for you from above, everyday. God bless you, Leandra! Lots of love from Brazil! <3

  • CarlotaLMorais

    Leandra I fell like I’ve watched you grow, from a funny and clever young lady, to a funny and intelligent woman. Even thought I’m younger than you and with no boyfriend or baby plans yet, I’m 21 for god’s sake, I feel your pain and I wish I could hug you. I really do!
    I know Abbie is an amazing husband and that you have a great group of friends and family and that all of them are there for you.
    But I could not read this post and not write you something! You are and incredible human being and you deserve all the best in the world. I’m sure we we will be seeing some time soon “How to Style your Toddler In a Fun Way” or “How to Make a Baby Bump Even Cuter”.
    I wish you truly the best because you deserve it. You and Abbie will get past this and soon have the cutest Medine-Cohen babies.
    Sending you a virtual hug, tons of kisses and good vibes.
    Much love,

    Carlota

  • blixa

    Leandra, i am so sorry. I was going through the IVF process 2 years ago and it didnt work. Actually i still have no baby and i have times where i am really worried about it. i am often between – maybe it shouldnt be for me and -why not? of course i will have one. its a hard thing to go through but it brought me closer to myself and my needs and i just can say to myself (and every women out there) – dont give up!! LOVE from europe, christina

  • Aydan

    Leandra you are a beautiful soul <3

  • SueM

    Oh my girl, my dear. To feel such pain and the rawness of that vulnerability, my heart aches for you. Wanting, trying and having children is the most vulnerable place you will ever be and surrounding yourself with love and support from within/without is the only way to survive. I purposely said survive and not thrive because sometimes you just hang on until it gets better. Feel the love.

  • As always, I’m incredibly touched and charmed by Leandra’s writing. I’ve never had the good fortune to meet Leandra in person, but I can confidently say that she is one of the most incredible women I have ever come across. She writes with such candor about the things we often would rather not admit, let alone to ourselves, never mind an audience of millions. She lends a voice to those inner thoughts that we would rather push to the back of our mind rather than confront. It’s not about being hard on yourself, it’s about being open and honest with yourself about who you are – the good and the bad.

    I have the greatest hopes for you Leandra! We’re all wishing you well and we’re incredibly sorry for your loss, but also thankful that you’ve not lost the ability to inspire us, make us laugh, make us cry, make us say me too!, make us strive to be a little more honest every day.

  • tmm16

    Leandra, thank you for sharing your story and words with us. I’m going to make the two lists you suggested to help encourage the practice of self love. As so many of your loyal and adoring fans have commented, we’re all here for you and thinking of you during this time <3

  • Maria

    Early in December 2014 I found out I was pregnant for the first time in my life. I was ecstatic!! My happiness, or, I should say our hapiness could not be described. We already could see ourselves as parents of the most wonderful person in the world, our baby! 20 days later, 4 days before Christmas the worst happened. We lost our baby. I say we because that’s exactly what happened. Our whole world collapsed. I felt empty. And desperate. I can still remember those feelings. I tried to understand why this happened. What went wrong. Was it my fault? My husband although he felt as sad as me or maybe more, we wanted so bad to be father, with his love and care helped me and showed me the way to get better. It wasn’t my fault of course, it was meant to be, he assured me… My doctor in order to comfort me, told me that I am a young and healthy woman, that I would be again pregnant in three months time. I didn’t believed him then. I was too sad to believe. In November 2015 I gave birth to my twin daughters. Three months after we lost our first baby, I was pregnant again naturally, and there were twins!!! Although I had twins, I had the best pregnancy (with the worst first trimester full of nausea and fatigue – things that made me miserable and my doctor extremely happy, everything was going great… ) and I gave birth to two healthy and really gorgeous (of course) children. I still feel sad and miss the baby I lost. But eventually I became a mother… And since that day I am so extremely happy, I live my dream… Leandra I wish you find yourself and feel strong again. I know it’s really hard to think about the future now but I am sure that what you really want its not that far away… I wish you the best…

  • Ambrey Rice

    Thank you for sharing your story Leandra.

    My mom had three miscarriages before she had me, but eventually, she got her baby (+ 2 more) – and so will you. Don’t give up the fight.

  • Jana

    Thank you, Leandra.
    Feel hugged (if you like hugs; if not, replace it with with something you would appreciate to be done to you by a complete stranger)!

  • annie holland

    Leandra and all of Man Repeller_
    As I have said before, the level of honesty in MR posts is greatly appreciated. They are much more than an article, they are the honest feelings of real people. Though I have literally never been in your position Leandra, and cannot imagine the hurt, I recently experienced a huge loss in my life. Getting left after 3 years of living together ripped the carpet out from underneath my feet. All that was left was to find the strength to love myself. So this really resonated with me today and made my eyes well up. At the end of the day, the most important relationship we have, is the one with ourselves. Gotta keep fighting for self-love.
    xoxo

  • Allie

    This is so brave and beautiful. There are few things that make me more emotional than sheer honesty. Sending so much love your way. Thank you for sharing.

  • Alicia Lue

    Thank you for sharing this. I wish you well.

  • Lily Todorova

    Tears choked me when I read this yesterday. I am so sorry for your loss, Leandra! You will have your baby one day and it will be all worth it. Thank you for sharing your journey towards becoming a mother, which resonates with me so deeply. I have been struggling with unexplained infertility for almost three years now and am on the course of starting my first IVF. I know IVF is not my path too, but will try anything. You know, sometimes I wished I would just get pregnant, regardless of the pregnancy outcome, just to prove it that I can. Reading your post, I realised I am not ready for this kind of pain. I do not wish that kind of suffering on anyone. You are amazing and you will be a great mother, and I will keep my fingers crossed that it happens soon. I hope the grief only makes you stronger. All the best, and thank you!

  • Elise

    Leandra,
    Though I don’t currently relate to what you’re going through right now, I can say this: as a young woman hoping to one day have a child, I will remember this post and the bravery with which you got overcame these trials.
    At the risk of sounding obsessive, you mean so much to me. For years now your writing has empowered me to be more- to embrace my individuality and to hone in on my own voice, to take pride in my expression. Your name is literally riddled all over my daily journals, often in the form of quotes and annotations and even one time in a description of a dream I had where you were my best friend and we vintage shopped together. This is perhaps an untimely digression but I mean to highlight the fact that you are a role model and personal hero to me. And in response to your incredibly courageous, incredibly honest post, I just want to express my utmost sympathy for you as you endure this and to tell you that you are a beautifully luminous light in my life. Sending you so much love.

  • Jessica Peterson

    Proud of you, Leandra.

  • Sabah Malik

    I wish I had the right words, that I could be more eloquent, you are truly an inspiring human.

  • Veronique Villarroel

    So cute!

    Kisses,

    Verónica

    Blog: NEW POST: CASUAL CAPE http://www.it-moi.com ♥♥
    Youtube Channel: NUEVO VIDEO! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCs4ylV9u2IlYDxRXcroi6jg

  • Ricky

    This may be a strange way to cope with things, but having recently suffered a miscarriage, I find it so comforting to know that people of status go through the same things. When we see peoples perfectly filtered lives, we often forget that that person is going through the same thing that you are. Only 3 people in this world know about my miscarriage. The reason being that I simply do not want to talk about it. I often find it hard to deal with something that is so completely out of our control. Thank you so much for helping me find even a little bit of comfort.

  • Allison Hanna

    thank you for sharing such a difficult thing. there is so much love for you out here <3

  • c

    Thank you for existing, for being so candid, for taking a risk on us when you share such a personal story. You are here for a reason, and your baby is on its way!

  • Much love to you, Leandra. Thanks for sharing your story, I am so so sorry for your loss…

  • GA1204

    You will have your babies, and, when the news break, even us across seas and continents will feel the joy, knowing that a couple as you will raise them into decent humans.
    Keep on writing, I wait to read your insights.

  • KK

    Achingly, brutally honest and beautiful. I take courage that even when the world goes to shit, we can still be there for each other as women and everything will be OK. Virtual hug to you and all the other moms who have endured this.

  • Julia Collins

    Leandra,

    I don’t know if you remember, but I was the girl who said hi to you at the Nespresso Cafe on Madison a week or so ago while you were with your mom and your grandmother. Nervously, I wasn’t able to give you my whole spiel on my obsession, love, and deep gratitude for your ever salient advice, perspective, and sense of humor. I said something like, “Man Repeller is the most important thing I read.” You thanked me for saying it—adding that you “needed it.” Based on the time frame you’ve given us, I see that our paths crossed while you were in the thick of all of this. Without sounding creepy, I almost knew what had happened. I was almost expecting this post. Having heard your incredibly vulnerable Monocycles and just being a regular on the site, I was aware of the situation, and your sadness was beyond palpable that day.

    What’s complicated about relationships with blogs and bloggers is that I, like the rest of us, feel extremely close to you—I seemingly know and understand all of your problems, your joys, your relationships. So when I saw you at Nespresso with your sadness, dare I say, overt I felt like a bad friend not giving you a hug and saying it’s going to be okay. While I know that that isn’t how it works in reality, I hope this comment can serve to do that in some fashion.

    Here is my virtual hug.

    I also wanted to add that while I can’t even fathom the pain you’re experiencing in the attempt to having your own baby—I can’t help but feel as if you have “babies” across the world, myself being one of them. While our age gap might prohibit a real mother daughter relationship, I, without a doubt, strive to exemplify your humor, your wit, your thoughtfulness, your style, your kind heart, your willingness to be open, your ability to be unapologetically you on a daily basis. While I can’t speak for the all of the assumed babies across the world, you are definitely a mother to me. While I am tremendously sorry for all of this, really I wish my virtual hug could transcend the internet, I know you will have your own baby one day. But for the meantime, let us babies fill that void for a little longer.

    For my second list? Leandra Medine, Man Repeller, and the ability to share voices and opinions and support strangers in the craziness that is the world wide web. Leandra, thank you deeply.

    All the best,
    Julia Collins

    • Deborah Ramirez

      You should’ve given her a hug! Lovely comment, Julia.

    • This is so strong. Paths always cross because of a reason.

    • Vivien Hackenhaar

      <3

  • Lindsey

    Leandra, thank you so much for sharing this. I think this story happens way more than is talked about, and your bravery in sharing it allows others to “commiserate” or just relate, even if they haven’t told anyone else. There is community in that.
    Secondly, I think there is so much good advice in this for all women, seeking pregnancy or not. “It’s okay to be hungry and eager to want to improve, it is not okay to push yourself so hard that when you get in front of that mirror, you can’t recognize who is staring back.” Every woman I know, myself included, needs to hear that. It’s been a major theme in my friends’ lives recently, and we’ve all really been struggling with re-finding ourselves, and loving who we find. Therapy helps, friendships help, but ultimately you’re right when you said “I’ve never had to be kind to myself, I realized, because of the strength of my support system.” Our support system is a huge part of our lives, but is not everything. We have to love and care for ourselves.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I so admire you.

  • Isabel

    My heart goes out to you, Leandra, and all the women in the comments who have had similar situations. Not only did your writing make me cry but many of the comments hit me. I’m at least glad that strong women such as yourselves have found a place to feel welcomed and supported here on ManRepeller 🙂

  • Bridget Reilly

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this and sharing it and being n awesome person.

  • Vida Rose

    Thank you for your honesty, Leandra.

  • This is all going to sound like bullshit, but since this happened to me at 16 weeks (as pregnant and huge as you can be with the second, with a two year old toddler and baby-crazy co-workers), you really really really will be okay. But not right now. And those pregnancy hormones are crazy drugs, going into them AND coming off of them. And you really do need to mourn, and not pass over it and pretend. Mostly for you and partly for your staff family. And the doorman. And the guy at the corner coffee place. Everybody loves the baby.

    Sixteen years later, I have two teen boys, neither one of them wants to hear about it, and a few old friends who still gush over the second one (the one that did stick) as if he is a miracle child. And sometimes he is. He has the luxury of being annoyed by it.
    I wish you the most boring of baby stories, no matter how it plays out. And watch out for those hormones. Worse than heroin.

  • Katrina

    Leandra you wonderful woman, thank you for being so fearless. You will be an amazing mother.

    PS- That shouting and jumping you described reminds me of a practice called dynamic meditation. If you’re at all curious to find a new way to explore yourself and your emotions, I highly recommend it.

  • Tioka Nparis

    Thank you so much for this post, for sharing these feelings I’ve never been able to articulate, and for reminding me to be grateful for the people in my life and my life.

  • melody p.

    Leandra, I am keeping you in my heart. ManRepeller has been such a huge part of my life for the past year and I am so sorry this happened to you. I know soon enough you and your husband will have a beautiful family and this will just have been another part of your journey. You are incredibly brave for sharing your story, I hope you continue to persevere and I wish you nothing but peace of mind during this healing period.

  • Allison

    Like some others below, I’ve never posted on a comment board before but was moved to say thank you. I found out today that I lost a baby at 10 weeks (my second miscarriage) and I’m feeling all of the same miserable feelings you talked about. And while I feel horrible for you in your loss, I can’t help but find comfort and solidarity in your situation to know I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing this and making something positive out of one of life’s darkest moments. And for giving me the strength to share my story with others around me too. So few women talk about this and I think it’s time we come together to support each other more. Sending you love and best wishes in the future.

  • Abby Colby

    My heart is heavy for you, Leandra, and I am blown away by your courage as I’m sure this was not an easy story to share. Per usual, your eloquence shines through, providing comfort to countless others silently facing this tragedy, and the people around them whose compassion is so often paralyzed by not knowing the right words to say. I hope you are able to take the time and space you need this month, wishing you all the best xx

  • Julia

    I want to say that I am so sorry. Reading this helped me really reflect on a lot that is happening in my own life even though it was completely unrelated. So thank you for always being here for your readers even if that wasn’t your intention. I think that your openness about your entire journey to motherhood has been amazing and incredible for even those of us who aren’t going through it. I am not a sharer but somehow Man Repeller has always managed to be the perfect place to come for anything that is happening in life so I thank you for being a sharer. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

  • JennyR

    Oh Leandra, I completely understand your pain and I really feel for you. I lost a baby at 9 weeks (at Christmas too) and another at 12 weeks. I really thought we’d made it when I got to the 12th week but it wasn’t meant to be, and it was truly devastating. It’s a really hard thing to go through but if I can offer anything by way of encouragement, it’s that I’m now 19 weeks pregnant with twins! A double blessing. I do feel stress is a major issue for me and the pressure we place on ourselves can just be too much. I’ve been doing acupuncture every week and the feeling of support has really helped calm me. I’m still trying to work on the stress, go easy on myself and stop questioning every little thing but it’s easier said than done when you’ve been through a loss (or two). Sending you, and everyone else who’s reading this or who’s commented and had a similar loss, lots of positivity and hope. I hope you take time to rest and recouperate, and who knows, you might find yourself pregnant again this Spring. xxx. Thanks for sharing this too, it’s so comforting to be able to read and chat with others in similar situations, and really shows how common pregnancy loss can be.

  • Jackal

    I think it hurts people more to never talk about it and that the taboo against doing so needs to break. Thanks for being part of that, and of course, take care of yourself.

  • Thank you for sharing so bravely. I cannot know what that must be like but thank you for working through it and sharing what you found for anyone here going through something to draw strength and hope from. I pray your peace and joy are fully restored.

  • Brittany Murdock

    I’m sorry for your loss. I know that this must be a very difficult time but I
    commend you for your wisdom to see beyond the loss, courage to share your story and love for yourself. No woman should go through this kind of loss but it does happen and its painful beyond words and understanding. I thought pregnancy would not happen for me either but it did with the help of conceiveeasy. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story.

  • Alessandra

    I read this, stepped away and took time to process it. In my inbox yesterday, I noticed your article was featured in The Lunch Read’s weekly newsletter. Rightly so. Powerful emotions and powerful words that people should read to gain perspective. Best to you, Leandra.

  • Abbey Crain

    I’ve been a shy, but mighty member of the Man Repeller girl gang since 2012. I’ve never commented, but have truly adored what this beautiful internet space has grown to become. I was looking for a mentor to guide me through the fashion world. I found the Man Repeller to resonate with my flavor of life. You’ve inspired me to don tutus on my college campus, at the University of Alabama no less. You’ve guided me through my move to New York and relationship woes. And now this. This captured my heart in a way no other piece about pregnancy loss has. And I SO appreciate your candid/poignant storytelling despite such personal tragedy. So thank you. I wish you well and send you all the love and good vibes. I hear you.

  • I echo what everyone else has said. I’m so sorry for your loss and also thankful for your strength.

  • belladonna_16

    Thank you for sharing your story, and I am truly sorry for your loss. In a sense, I lost a baby, too, but not in the same visceral, wrenching way that you have. At 38, I started trying to get “single-lady pregnant.” Six IUIs later–as well as a roller coaster of hope and ambivalence and many tears in the bathtub–no baby (maybe one brief chemical pregnancy, but I will never know for sure). The fertility specialist suggested IVF. I, too, always knew that would not be my path, but I did give it a lot of consideration before declining to pursue it.

    At 39, I was all done. I just turned 41. There will be no baby for me, but I can accept that there are many ways to be a mother, and that has to be enough.

    I am still grieving for that baby who will never be, and there is a surprising amount of guilt there. But I am glad, in a way, that it was my choice, and I know it was the right one.

  • bea hervella

    Leandra, I am sure too you will have a baby. Try to take energy thinking about this certain afirmation!

  • Tania

    Leandra, your vulnerability, compassion and honesty among other awesome qualities are what fostered spaces where so many of us could connect and be inspired.

    This community and brand has made it possible for people to feel free to be themselves, create, go beyond the norm, learn and grow. You embody the makings and doings of a great mother. Period.

    I am deeply sorry for your loss and pray healing for your body, mind, spirit and loved ones.

  • C. Killion

    Hello, Leandra
    Please know how sorry I am for your loss. Sending you hugs and a blessing.

  • Catarina Oliveira

    I am so sorry for your loss, Leandra.

    I am from Portugal and I want to tell you that I am really thankful for your website. I read it, literally, every day. It helps me keep sane. And even though you have no idea who I am, you have to know that you have all the love you can imagine overseas. I admire you so much.

    You are strong, my dear. We are all with you.

  • pdbraide

    hugs. i have nothing i can say

  • Rose

    Every time I read your words or listen to you speak I feel like I can and should be a better, stronger, version of myself. My thoughts are with you and your family (and the other ladies who have shared their own stories of loss here, too).

  • Anne Dyer

    I just feel so much for you. I know that gorgeous sunrise of early pregnancy. That heart beating, baby rolling, beautiful feeling. And then the shattering news. The hollow realization that your heartbeat is now alone. The internal loneliness and knee dropping grief. I lost a baby at 20 weeks. I will spare you all the long of it to simply say this: I am a mother now. To two beautiful little toddler boys. And I am certain that I would not be the mother, wife or friend that I now am if it wasn’t for that lost pregnancy. I made a list long ago of all of the things I wished I was. A few months after losing the pregnancy I looked back on that list and realized, I had become all of those things. I am so sorry Leandra. Hug your husband. Be alone. Treat yourself. You’ll be a mom in no time. And you will never, ever be the same.

  • Chelsea Kai Roesch

    I’ve never commented before but I wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss, Leandra. Your candor and vulnerability is deeply moving. Wishing you the very best <3

  • Tina

    Leandra, I’m sorry for your and your husband’s loss.

  • caroline

    Ive never replied to a post but strongly felt the need to thank you for sharing with such openness and honesty. MR is my go-to for wit, humor, and fashion, but I never expected to find a piece that hit so close to home at a time when I needed it most. After continued failed attempts with IVF it’s difficult to describe the frustration and heartache that arrives when the body doesn’t seem to respond to what the heart feels so deeply. Grief hits without warning and that weakness takes over. Time and gratitude seem to truly be the best healers, and I am so appreciative of your words. Let’s keep being kind to ourselves and holding onto the excitement of “when” not “if”.

  • Natasha

    Leandra, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your words are beautiful and helped me to understand some of my own wounds. Thank you for sharing with us, and for creating this space where as a woman and as a human being I feel safe and significant and connected. I wish you all the best – heal gently and keep kicking ass!

  • Michelle Port

    Beautiful Leandra,

    You are so brave for sharing your life so fearlessly. Your words help and empower so many. Best wishes to you <3

  • BK

    Oh Leandra, I’m so sorry to hear. My sister miscarried a few weeks ago at around the same point in her pregnancy, during that nebulous early stage when they say to “just relax!” and wait it out before telling people, but how can you do that, it’s a !baby! She couldn’t wait to tell her immediate family and so naturally she told us when she started miscarrying. I know my experience isn’t the most important in her story but I was really struck down by the sense of loss I felt – I guess I had vaguely started formulating in the back of my mind what sort of things I would do with Unidentified Infant, how my sister would look holding her, the sort of tiny clothes we buy/make for her (also, I had decided it was a girl). I was only going to be a mere Weird Aunty – I can’t even imagine the plentitude and intensity of images that were shattered in her mind’s eye, like how I can’t imagine the enormity of what you’ve lost.

    On the flipside, I can’t get over the way you’ve communicated so freely during your entire…I don’t know what to call it…fertility journey? It’s astounding and really very beautiful. In one of the darkest times of your life, you’ve chosen to reveal yourself and your raw experience to the world, to tell us all about it, and I don’t know about what anyone else thinks but I find it entirely admirable that you’ve done so. To take such a sad experience and show it to the world is levelling and grainy and sad, but also brings forth a lot of hope – that things will get better, that you and Abie will one day (hopefully very soon) have a baby Cohen of your own, and that the rest of us can weather such storms. I don’t know. Reading how you navigated through it just made me feel better. God bless your and everything you touch.

  • Vicki

    You are amazing, Leandra. You are my #womangoals. Take care of yourself. xxxxxxx

  • Amy Lee

    I read MR pretty much every day, but have never commented. But today I have to. I can’t even imagine this pain. What strength and bravery you have to share this. The best response I ever got from a very close friend whenever I would tell her how I felt about something painful was, “Of course you do.” And of course you feel… all the things you’ve described so beautifully and honestly here. Of course you do. Best wishes for you as you continue your journey to motherhood– you will make it.

  • Leandra,

    I’ve been following you forever and you are and have been my cyber best friend and a huge inspiration in my life. Not only because of your amazing style but for the person you are. You are sensible, strong, honest and so nice to the people around you. You have created so much for yourself and for others. I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know that even though we haven’t met in person you will always have my support and love.

    Sending you a big hug my friend.
    Love,
    Laura Rendon
    @themariabonita

  • nadya

    the good news is, you got pregnant! for most people first pregnancy will result in miscarriages. this is actually very normal. body can get confused sometimes and assume a foreign object is in it. but with second pregnancy it will not kick out the object. So, my dear, do keep trying. it is only normal to feel sad, anxious, and all those feelings. only normal.

  • Cynthia Schoonover

    I am so sorry to read about your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like, because I never experienced a miscarriage. Please take care of yourself, and I am keeping you in my thoughts.

  • Aga

    We will have our babies… I do believe ! and also waiting for that miralce to happen

  • Annonymous

    I can empathize with your journey. It’s never easy. Take care of you. X

    http://Www.shutthefertilityup.com

  • Meg Conway

    The children you will have will obviously be much loved by you, your husband, and your mom.

  • Rio on the run

    Thank you for sharing your story. A great reminder to balance grief, love, and self worth in our life’s.

  • Diane

    I’m
    so sorry for your loss. As soon as I read that you were feeling depressed
    and couldn’t understand why, I knew what was coming next. As I was
    there. I was lucky enough to get pregnant the first second I tried.
    I remember standing there staring at the stick like i can’t believe this really
    happened. Then, I went to the Doctor and was informed that I might be pregnant
    or that it could just be an empty sack, it was too soon to tell, so I had
    to wait a week and go back. Have to
    love that gray area. I made it six days, went back with my mom and heard a
    heard a heartbeat! I made another appointment to return 3 days later with
    my husband, excited for him to hear the heartbeat. That weekend I became
    very depressed I couldn’t understand why. This was everything I
    could have wanted why wasn’t I happy? Maybe I was nervous about day care,
    not working or our home not being big enough? I didn’t think I should
    have been that upset though, doesn’t everyone go through that? I really
    wanted to talk to my Doctor about it. I arrived at my appointment before
    my husband did. I met with the Doctor and told her how I was feeling, I
    was hysterical crying talking to her for at least 20 minutes. She assured
    me that my hormones were playing games on me and I could talk to someone and be
    given Prozac, and it wouldn’t interfere with the baby’s development.
    Sounded like a plan. Then the technician came in with an intern. I didn’t
    hear a heartbeat but I just thought they didn’t have the sound on. After
    15 minutes of them not being able to get the sound on, they left the room and
    told me the Doctor would be in shortly. At this point my husband was
    there. The Doctor came in and told me that I had a
    miscarriage. I was like I did? She told me that was why I was so
    depressed because my body still thought it was pregnant but it wasn’t. Kind of
    made sense …..I guess. She told me that I’m lucky because something
    could have been wrong with the baby. Then she asked if I could come
    back next week for a DNC. I didn’t even know what that was. Boy was
    I in for a surprise. I said next week? She wasn’t going to be back in the
    office until then. I made arrangements to go in the next day and meet with
    another Doctor in the same practice. I went home and of course I
    couldn’t sleep that night, thinking how a lifeless body was inside of me and I
    needed it out. I started doing all kinds of research, found out 1 in every 5
    woman have miscarriages and go on to have healthy children that live normal
    lives. I also read about the procedure and it was funny how no one told me not
    to eat anything after 12 midnight because I would be getting anesthesia.
    I figured they forgot to tell me. I made sure I didn’t anything that
    night. Next morning went back to the office and was told that they only
    give a local and I could have ate. I told them I did not want to be
    awake, but at that time I would have had to go to the hospital to get general anesthesia,
    and would need to wait another week So I just went through with it.
    Bad move, probably the worst decision I ever made. As a result I knew that I
    could never go through that again so here I am 15 years later, I never wanted a
    child after that.

  • nuria

    You are awesome. Period. As a newlywed who fears motherhood I sometimes wonder if I am mentally wired up to be a mother at all. Will “something in me” suddenly clic in my head? Will I ever want my body and my mood to go through a hormonal rollercoster? How will a chid affect the relationship with m
    y partner?… Than you for sharing and starting the conversation.

  • Anna Lucia

    Beautifully written. So so sorry for your loss.

  • Alex

    Thank you for sharing. This is so powerful. By being this vulnerable and raw you are touching so many women. I lost a baby in my mid 20s when I didn’t know I was pregnant, nor was I in any state to bring a life into this world. Being the sensitive, self-hating creature that I was at the time, I blamed myself. I thought I killed the baby because I was drinking too much, because I hated myself at the time. I am a lot kinder to myself now. I used to think it was karma, but it wasn’t. It was just life, it happened and it doesn’t define me or make me a bad person. This year has been about getting to know my body and to your point, what it is telling you. It’s always talking but we’re never listening. I HIGHLY recommend reading “Women’s bodies, Women’s wisdoms” and “the Woman Code”. It taught me so much and now my periods no longer ache the way they used to and I know when the time comes that my husband and I want to conceive, I will be kind and gentle to my body, and listen to it every step of the way.

  • Sending love to you LM!

  • Alejandra

    You will have your baby no doubt. Maybe this time was not meant to be, but it will happen. Dont lose faith. Sending you all the best

  • Laura Abdo

    Hi Leandra,

    I have follow you on Instagram for many years, but I have never read your blog, this was my first time and am so sorry for your lost and what your going through, reading this literally made me cry, I don’t know you as a person but the honesty of your words just took me back to a depressive and self-doubting period of my life and with every word you wrote, I could feel your pain. This may feel like the worst moment of your life but I know for certainty that you’ll get baby and that you’ll be an excellent mother, because of the way you wanted it with so much fervour. Right now all I can say is that I’ll send you all the love and positives feelings from a stranger in Colombia. Hope you feel better, not soon or later, but at your own time.

  • Rachel

    Leandra, I don’t normally comment on things but I’ve been an avid reader &manrepeller fan girl for years. I want to send my thoughts and prayers your way. I can only imagine how painful this would be to go though. Sending lots of love to you and your husband during this time. Deep down in my heart I know that things will work out for you two. Be kind to yourself during this time, take care.

  • Kokonuts

    Hi Leandra, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too experienced a miscarriage at 13 weeks. I was 36 years old and honestly my first and only pregnancy. I find it interesting that you wrote this on December 6, which caught my eye — because Dec 6 would have been my babies due date, and my baby would have been 6 this year! Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my loss. I think about the day I lost my baby, I think about the due date and therefore what would have been my babies birthday. I had a breakdown this year on Dec 6, because I never had a baby after this. The story behind my relationship with my boyfriend at that time (husband-to-be, but we broke up) and how I lost the baby is too unbearable to discuss. I am now 43 and will not have a child. I watch my friends and my family celebrate the birthdays of their children and it’s heartbreaking. I understand the pain you carry every day. Hugs to you.

  • LK

    Leandra – Thank you beyond words, for sharing your story. My husband & I have been trying to have a baby for over a year now. It is not happening as quickly as we hoped it would. We are in our mid to late 30’s & time is not exactly on our side. When you are having difficulty getting pregnant, you are hyper sensitive to everyone around you who’s pregnant or those who have new babies. You honestly believe you are the only one who is struggling. As much as it hurts, I hope you can find solice in the fact that you have opened up a dialog for those struggling, those who long for that same dream of becoming a Mother. It’s tough. The entire process is a tough, emotional rollercoaster. And nobody can truly understand the emotions unless they have gone through it. I wish you all the best & I agree with you…we’ll have our babies.

  • Ebony-Maria Wimmler Levy

    Oh Leandra, I am very sorry for your loss and so appreciative for your reflections on this experience. Thank you.

    I’ve had three miscarriages now, urgh, and am always astounded by the crazy things people say – even apparently well intentioned family and friends.

    In no particular order, some of the nonsense thoughtlessly spurted by crazy peeps that pretty well drove me into a silent, seething rage:

    1. “Once you stop trying, it will happen.” This is uttered by imbeciles with no reproductive education, because to miscarry requires successfully falling pregnant in the first place.🤔Your advice lacks intellectual rigour.

    In the same spirit…

    2. “At least you can fall pregnant, like, right away.” Yes, that is SO rewarding, because pregnancy is the goal: the birth of a healthy, living baby, not so much. Looking forward to falling pregnant again, cos’ that’s the ultimate. Who cares if you have a child, when you’ve successfully fallen pregnant 5, 6, 7 times?! A baby is nice to have, the cherry on top. No big deal. 🍒

    3. “It’s obviously not meant to be.” No, I guess it isn’t, in the same way that those size 42 Jimmy Choos on Net-A-Porter were 85% off and they sold out before I could click “add to cart”. Such a loss. I don’t think about those shoes at all, like, ever. Oh, and I think it’s funny how you’re all about fate now. I think your face wasn’t meant to be. 🔮

    4. “I have faith it will all work out for you next time.” If you say so. I believe you. Babies are a dime a dozen anyway, if it works out for us at least once every five goes, that’d be super cool. We’ll just keep trying, because at some point you must become immune to what miscarrying actually is, and what it means (erm, birthing a dead baby) and it makes us feel so much better knowing you have faith it will all work out. 🕊

    5. Radio silence. Zilch, zappo, nothing. You are so thoughtful for not communicating when you found out that I gave birth to an identifiable life form in my bathroom and had to scoop it into an old honey pot and keep it until my husband got home from a business trip so we could bury it in the garden together. Farewell, Former Friends. 🚫

    6. “You’re not alone, it’s so common.” It might be common, but the experience itself is not commonplace; each miscarriage represents a loss magnificent in relation to itself. And frankly, I have never been more alone. Anyone want to come over for a miscarriage party and have them all together? 🎈Thought not (also: impossible). Isolation characterises miscarriage like nothing else in the continuum of experience.

    7. “I’ve heard IVF can make the egg stick a lot better.” So can a frying pan, when the Teflon coating is coming off. 🍳See point above about not requiring assistance to conceive. The only stickiness relevant here is the coagulation of your frontal lobe.

    8. “It’s totally stress related, you should stop working.” Thank you for your insightful diagnosis. Engaging in stimulating and rewarding work is definitely the cause of this reproductive failure. I should do nothing next time and hope for the best. Is helping me pay my mortgage part of your inspired preventative strategy? 🏡

    9. “Be grateful you already have a child.” I am grateful every day for the child I do have, but he actually has nothing to do with all the other babies-that-weren’t. They are not the same person, just in case you were wondering. 👯‍♂️ If anything, it is harder to miscarry after a successful pregnancy and birth because you know you have, and therefore: can. 💪🏻Cue intense feelings of guilt and compounding confusion along the lines of “what the f*** is wrong with me now?”.

    10. “You don’t really have room in your life for another baby, so it’s probably for the best.” I’m not sure if you mean we’ll need to upgrade our King bed to a Super King, or that it’s somehow socially unacceptable for siblings to share a room for a few years? Or are you speaking figuratively, in the sense that I should burn some sage and chant mantras under a Full Moon to create Space, spiritually? 🌕 I am so confused about space right now, but definitely feel there is no room for you or that comment in my life. Outta here. 🚀

    I hope others who have miscarried or experienced other forms of loss pertaining to their beautiful children (the words are all ugly and misrepresentative: stillbirth, neonatal death) have found comfort in the kind words, thoughts and deeds of others. (And if so, what did they say or do?).

    Nevertheless, I think we could be so much better about speaking the language of loss as a society, and caring for women and families who go through it, because it’s never over, and always is.

    #miscarriage #pregnancy #loss #stillbirth #neonataldeath #support #pregna

  • Imola

    Losing a baby is not your fault, ever. And it’s not fate or god or punishment – It’s genetics. I wanted to link a very enlightening article about that – in the hope that you’ll find it helpful because women too often blame themselves in this – but I can’t find it 🙁 I sincerely hope you’ll feel better soon.

  • A fan, a ManRepelling fan

    You’re a beautiful person Leandra, never forget that.

  • Meital

    Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your story.
    I just lost a baby at 17 weeks and most days I feel like I can’t breathe. Reading you story helps dealing with this terrible pain.I am hoping one day soon I will be able to start the process of moving forward.
    Wishing you a new year filled with happiness.

  • Sam

    I bawled my eyes out while reading this post. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Your honesty and resolve in the face of something like this are truly incredible. I’d wish you strength for the days and months ahead, but it sounds like you’ve got that already. <3

  • cwill

    Miscarried at 10 weeks, after I sent out holiday cards announcing our pregnancy. Had to send out a difficult mass email to retract those cards that were in transit. Oh, it happened 10 days before Christmas. 7 weeks later, as I was counting down to 8 weeks to try again, I suffered a PE in the right lung. In short, my hopes to have a natural pregnancy were dashed due to circumstances. Adopted a baby two years later. All that was 13 years ago. I remember everything. Every November I remember when I realized I was pregnant. Every mid December I remember when the pregnancy was lost. Every July I remember when it should have been born. I love my child that I have, but I will never forget my first.

  • Claire Banks

    I am so, so sorry for and saddened by your loss, Leandra. I do want to say thank you so much for your honesty and tremendous (!!!) bravery in sharing this part of your life. Your spirit and determination is inspiring, uplifting. Sending love and hugs.

  • M.

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage too, at 10 weeks. We found out on Thanksgiving. I commend you for your strength in writing this beautiful piece and for doing an incredible job finding ways to stay so positive. Thank you so much for sharing. My thoughts are with you. I too am positive your baby will be..in time. Stay strong. Stay positive.

  • Pandora Sykes

    Leandra, I can’t believe I only just found this piece. It’s beautifully written; you’re a brave soul and mama-in-waiting.

  • Jkang

    Staying tuned and wishing good things come your way. I’ve been where you are and came out the other side. At 45, I have more than I ever imagined at 28. Hang in there- be good to yourself. I know you don’t feel it and can’t see it now- but you are young. Going through this sucks, but we became a wiser and more compassionate couple because of it.

  • Julia Dodson

    I am very sorry for your loss. If children are parents greatest teachers then although your baby’s life was much too short it seem to have taught you some very important lessons for when you are in the thick of motherhood–you will be a great mom! All in due time (I hate when people say that but it’s true).

  • Pamela Kopel

    Leandra, I lost two babies before getting pregnant with my daughter 6 years ago. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term. But I did. I named my daughter Nechama – which means comfort/solace. She truly was my Nechama, and one day, you will have yours as well. I send you love and hope.

  • CS

    For Leandra,
    You’re something special and I admire you for being so open and honest about your feelings. We need more honesty in this world. I can’t understand what you’re feeling but I will say that with your words, you’ve not only done wonders to you (and your insides) but you’ve brought a lot of awareness to those who dont know how to feel and to empathize with themselves. That alone is life changing! You’re in my thoughts and I hope whatever is right for you, should happen and you should continue to inspire others and continue to entertain us all with your whit and brains.

    -Sister you haven’t met

  • MusicLover

    in tears.

  • Camille

    I lost our little girl in October 2015, this October we welcomed a healthy red headed girl who is sleeping next to me right now. Sending all my love and hope your way.

  • Em

    Reading your blog for the first time. I had 2 miscarriage in the past 8 months. One 2 months ago. Thank you for writing down what I felt. Hope you’ll get what you want soon.

    • Leandra Medine

      I wish the same for you

  • arin antoine

    I am so sorry for your loss, and I want to thank you for writing about it. A lot of women wouldn’t and don’t speak about this. I lost my 2 year old son almost 3 years ago, and the emotions you wrote about are very similar to what I went through and sometimes go through now. I remember the brutal flash of losing him too, and it often feels like more than I can bear. Thank you for “oversharing” in your special, Leandra way. You’re a champion. You’re precious and you’re right. We lost babies, but it’s going to be ok.

  • c spiers (Stylerevival)

    I know you know this but we are all with you. Xxx

  • Pamela

    I’m so sorry Leandra. I was just reading a friend’s Facebook post and she had a stillbirth and it’s just so terrible. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. I am proud of you for putting a positive spin on things and feeling good that your body is capable of making a baby. If it makes you feel hopeful, my sister had a miscarriage at 24 and we come from a Latin family where everyone gets pregnant and it was rare for this to happen. My sister was sad and confused because she was so young and healthy. I later read that miscarriages are quite common but no one really talks about it. A year later my sister had the most adorable baby, Emme and I hope that the same will happen to you and Your hubby. Maybe 2017 will be your baby year. Stay strong lady ❤❤

  • To you and to all the parents who lost a baby, lots of love, to help you going through this painful and difficult (but I trust necessary) phase. You’re not alone and you should never be afraid of sharing (or even over-sharing).
    And thank you for this beautiful piece that we can all relate to. I’m going to make these 2 lists. And to try and cuddle myself when I’m breaking down and start being negative at myself. Take care.

  • Caitlyn

    Thank you for being so open and honest. Sending best wishes & hope for the future.

  • Mercedes Palomino

    We’ll have our babies, no matter what it takes. Made me cry.
    Beautiful.
    I’m a Argentinian Chemical Engineer going through a similar finding-a-baby situation.
    Thank you for sharing and all the best wishes, luck and strenght for the future.

  • Michelle

    This post made me cry. I have experienced this kind of loss and remember (even though it’s been many years). Praying for you to be comforted and strengthened. And thanks, I’ve made my two lists. It’s not always easy to see yourself in the way we should. But this is a new year, so hears hoping for the best…for you and me too. Take care, Michelle

  • CARLA

    hi Leandra! you could carry on kids for 2 or 3 days to be pregnant. and Pray !!! and dont be hard with yourself, CARPE DIEM FROM ARGENTINA! 🙂 !!!

  • Molly

    It felt like your post found me. I came across it right after I’d been told that the prognosis for my pregnancy wasn’t good. Hours later, I miscarried. As I was mired in this sadness, I felt connected to you in your experience, and somehow that provided a pinprick of hope for me. Thank you for having the courage to be vulnerable with us, so those of us who are experiencing the same devastation don’t experience our grief in that dark, cold place alone. I’m sending my love to you and keeping the faith that you’ll be a momma soon.

  • This made me cry. I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a baby last year and all I could think of in December was how I would have, should have, had a baby to hold at Christmas. And then I felt guilty and selfish because I have two healthy children who are the absolute joys of my life, so what right do I have to this sorrow? And yet I still catch myself thinking of the baby-who-was and what kind of person he or she would have been. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. You are right- time is the greatest healer. Give yourself space to grieve as you need. I’ll work on those two lists.

  • Kasi

    This is a little late, but I’m just so sorry for your loss. I am among the “can’t make a baby” ladies, and you captured the self-hatred and disgust so perfectly. I, too, jumped in with the “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do… let’s do all the treatments! Let’s get this done! I’m a woman, dammit!” attitude.

    I also hated every single one of my friends who could get pregnant. I couldn’t figure out how to balance being so overwhelmingly happy for them now that I knew how hard it was to get there, and being devastated by jealousy.

    Time is a great healer. I still don’t have my baby (we’re saving for an adoption) but I’ll get one. It took a lot of time for me to be happy for my friends in the real, unbridled joy way that I’m supposed to be, but I’m there again. And the good news is- you can get pregnant! My fertility doctor was constantly telling me that if we did get pregnant we’d be likely to lose it, but what mattered was the fact that we were able to get pregnant. If you can get pregnant once, you can get pregnant again.

    Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re going to make such a lovely mother to somebody, someday.

  • Hudson Berry

    <3