Monocycle: Episode 43, Family and Resentment

Leandra Medine | November 18, 2016

In partnership with TNT.

We’re heading into Thanksgiving!!!! Kind of, at the end of next week, and I’ve never needed some fucking time off more. But I’m also getting kind of anxious about the family time that awaits — not because I don’t love spending time with my family, those people are my people, but because lately, I have been arguing so much with my mom and I can’t quite shake the resentment I am starting to feel.

Intellectually, I recognize what I need to do the cut the tension that frankly, I am instigating, but emotionally, it’s like I’ve become a six-year-old with a vengeance all over. This makes sense in my head because she is my mom and as such I often feel like I have carte blanche to act like an asshole/baby around her, but guess what? She’s a person too! I didn’t realize that until recently, but I get it now. The thing is, I’m caught at the intersection of don’t care and don’t want to believe it. So I’ve been thinking a ton about a) how selfish I am, b) how incredibly complex the relationship between a mother and her daughter gets as said daughter gets older and c) how even though this exact tension is pretty much the reason so many therapists are employed in this country, such a conflict can feel so…unique to me. Why do I feel so alone?

If you can sympathize with any of the above, hit play and then open a bag of popcorn (Buddha Bowl is my recommendation) and commiserate in the comments.

Related Stories:

Moms: A Moot Point

Quotes from the Moms of Man Repeller

MR Money Diaries: Laura Medine, Leandra’s Mom, Chronicled Her Spending for a Week

Monocycle: Episode 3, Thankful

Logo illustration by Kelly Shami; photo by Mondadori Portfolio via Getty Images.

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  • Mary

    I love the closing song. I wonder how all of this will change when you have your own child.

  • Alexis Thomolaris

    As a child of a recent divorce (parents married for 20 years) the feeling like my mother genuinely doesn’t get me, I may even go as far as to say she doesn’t even know who TF I am, is super relevant. I too, am not mature enough to be what my mother needs in a time where she is deeply hurting because I am deeply hurting too. At the same time, I also expect her to be the strong one, to cope silently in a way, to not need me right now, because I so desperately need her to be the hero for my siblings and I. I know how ridiculously selfish and unfair that statement seems, that she alone must push her feelings aside and appear tough for her children, but isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? No one mom is created equal, and although they don’t always meet our emotional expectations (rarely if ever), their love is consistently present. Even if it shows itself in the strangest of ways. That’s what I am telling myself going into this holiday season : )

  • Helena

    Great episode!
    I think it’s hard to help each other when two people are going through a change in their lives. It’s the same between my mother and me and you’re right, because at the end it’s you who has to grown up, let go of the hurt feelings and focus on how much you love her. It seems so teenage movie quote, I know, but it works for me! Maybe this is our second puberty, or even their second puberty. So… don’t feel alone, because we’re all in the same page here.
    PS: Congrats to all the MR team for this great blog!

  • ladybirda

    You know, it’s tough. On the one hand having kids of my own makes me appreciate how hard it must have been for my mom to raise me more or less on her own. But on the other hand, it makes a lot of the narcissistic bullshit less forgivable when I try a thought experiment of pulling it on my own kids. Like, her life objectively sucks right now, so I should have compassion because I’m in a great place in most respects. But when she tries with the guilt trips I just avoid her, because I can.

  • ines

    I don’t know why I do not see this episode in my Podcast app, Anybody having the same problem?

    Thanks!

    • Grace

      Same!

      • Yvonne Dunlevie

        Fixed! Sorry for the delay!

    • Kate Barnett

      Working on it! Thank you!!

    • Yvonne Dunlevie

      Hey Ines – this is fixed!