Monocycle: Episode 43, Family and Resentment
We’re heading into Thanksgiving!!!! Kind of, at the end of next week, and I’ve never needed some fucking time off more. But I’m also getting kind of anxious about the family time that awaits — not because I don’t love spending time with my family, those people are my people, but because lately, I have been arguing so much with my mom and I can’t quite shake the resentment I am starting to feel.
Intellectually, I recognize what I need to do the cut the tension that frankly, I am instigating, but emotionally, it’s like I’ve become a six-year-old with a vengeance all over. This makes sense in my head because she is my mom and as such I often feel like I have carte blanche to act like an asshole/baby around her, but guess what? She’s a person too! I didn’t realize that until recently, but I get it now. The thing is, I’m caught at the intersection of don’t care and don’t want to believe it. So I’ve been thinking a ton about a) how selfish I am, b) how incredibly complex the relationship between a mother and her daughter gets as said daughter gets older and c) how even though this exact tension is pretty much the reason so many therapists are employed in this country, such a conflict can feel so…unique to me. Why do I feel so alone?
If you can sympathize with any of the above, hit play and then open a bag of popcorn (Buddha Bowl is my recommendation) and commiserate in the comments.