Hi. How are you doing? I’m okay. Did you know the American Music Awards were last night? Me neither. But listen! Maybe awards shows are the exact flavor of superfluity we need right now. Pop culture levity! Sequins! An industry aggrandizing itself! Happy tears! A scheduled and institutionalized opportunity for us to judge celebrities? No no, the healing power of music! It’s the perfect recipe for avoiding the darker corridors of our brains for a minute.
I should admit that I did not watch the AMAs, but what is social media for if not keeping us abreast of everything that ever happens ever, regardless of its contextual importance or general consequence? It is Consumption Month here at Man Repeller. Let’s consider this an exercise in proving it’s possible to act like we know what’s going on just by scrolling through our feeds for 30 minutes.
Here’s what I know went down at the AMAs last night. A lot of it was…weird.
Gigi Hadid hosted with SNL‘s Jay Pharoah, changed her outfit like 40 times, mocked Melania Trump in the opening monologue.
A counterpoint to the slight cringe-worthiness of the above opening monologue: the serotonin-boosting qualities of Gigi Hadid’s face, which is more symmetrical than a Wes Anderson film. The Melania impression is at 2:25, which isn’t half bad actually. Also, pardon my hyperbole; she only changed five times. But that’s a lot! Please study all her outfits here, there will be a quiz later.
Drake was nominated 13 times, brought his dad as his plus one, shouted out Degrassi and debuted an Apple commercial.
— Apple Music (@AppleMusic) November 21, 2016
This Apple commercial was a lot for me. I watched it hand-to-forehead to monitor what felt like a sudden oncoming fever. A quick poll of the MR office says my adverse reaction wasn’t ubiquitous though, which is good news (!), because 30 seconds of amusement these days is as good as a spa day. Please tell me which side of the fever/delight fence the above commercial has you falling down.
Selena Gomez cried on stage, wants to see hearts instead of bodies on Instagram.
Heartstrings in the mood to be tugged? Watch Selena Gomez’s speech above.
“I don’t want to see your bodies on Instagram, I want to see what’s in here,” she said, hand to heart! Recall that Selena Gomez is the most-followed person on Instagram, which might make her our queen, which might mean we should listen to her.
Justin Bieber performed looking like every skateboarder you knew in middle school.
— Clayton Baker (@Clayton_Baker) November 21, 2016
Am I wrong? Black T-shirt, khakis, black sneakers, slightly unkempt-but-basic haircut? It’s so I-was-asked-to-perform-five-minutes-ago. I kind of love it. Feels V. anti-establishment.
Green Day chanted “No Trump, no KKK, no fascist USA” six times during their performance.
Green Day, who I haven’t thought about in several years, made use of their air time by making a political statement. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Zayn threw shade at One Direction when he won artist of the year.
“Wow! This one just has my name on it right?!”
That’s it. That was the shade. But it’s such a good humble-brag isn’t it? It says so much, so quickly: I’ve won a lot of awards and this one is just for me. Hat tip, Zayn. I really loved PILLOWTALK and am going to go listen to it right now.
John Legend performed in a bedazzled bomber.
And, perhaps more importantly, this is how Chrissy Teigen introduced him: “This next performer is a brilliant musician and a wonderful father, who makes a pretty damn good breakfast sandwich. He has been known to write love songs about me. What can I say, I’m very inspiring. But his songs are bigger than either of us. And on the heels of what’s been a really interesting, fucked up fucking election for all of us, we can all use a little love tonight.”
I just went through a full spectrum of emotions during that. And then the bedazzled bomber? Too much.
Not in attendance: Kanye, Taylor, Beyoncé, Adele, Rihanna.