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The Worst Person Goes to Brunch

Does this person sound familiar?

10.14.16
worst-person-at-brunch-man-repeller-feature

SCENE: A BUSTLING RESTAURANT IN WILLIAMSBURG, SUNDAY AT 1PM

“Table for three, please. Yes, we’re all here.”

Worst Person drums fingers on bar. “I am dying of hunger. Die-ing.”

Worst Person motions to bartender, who is frantically mixing Bloody Marys unaided. “Can I get some water? No, not tap, sparkling. A bottle of sparking.”

“This is flat water.”

“Excuse me, I put my name in 40 minutes ago? For three? We are all here at the bar waiting.”

“She has menus, she sees me watching her.” Worst Person in the world stares at the hostess, a 20-something who is just doing her job at the front of the restaurant.

“Hi, yes, sorry but can we sit at that table right there, the one that was just cleared and set?”

Worst Person and companions are seated. Worst Person scans menu, which contains the predictable brunch options.

Worst Person on phone, typing. “I’m texting my husband. He’s going to stop by to drop off a toasted gluten-free English muffin for me.”

Worst Person puts bag on banquette, crowding the party next to her.

“Can I have sparkling water?”

“I’ll have a latte. What non-dairy milks do you have?”

“This coffee is basically just a cup of steamed almond milk with a light coffee flavor. I need more coffee.”

“No, please don’t refill that. That’s sparkling water,” says Worst Person to a busboy.

“This side of seasonal fruit is melon, berries and apple? Apple.”

“Apple and melon are such a fruit plate cop-out.”

“Ew, that slice of apple tasted savory, like it was cut with a knife that had also touched onion or garlic.”

“Ew.”

“Ew, still tasting that savory fruit.”

Husband of Worst Person walks in wearing the couple’s baby in an Ergo, hands over small Ziplock containing a toasted gluten-free muffin. Worst Person takes it and waves him and the baby away dismissively.

Food finally arrives. Worst Person stares at her plate like something is wrong with it. Her companions proceed to eat as one normally does.

Worst Person has not begun eating. She is clearly contemplating sending her order back.

“Like, if I asked you what non-dairy milks you had available for coffee and that you not put Hollandaise sauce on my eggs, would you not also raise the point that the side salad that comes with these eggs is dressed? When I ordered it? Knowing I am picky? Also, this dressing looks creamy.” Worst Person proceeds to dump her dressed side salad onto a small share plate. She moves the now-empty bottle of sparkling water to adjacent table that is set and ready for new patrons. She then places her plates of salad and picked-at fruit on the same table, and begins to begrudgingly eat her eggs (poached!) and her gluten-free English muffin.

“God, I am still hungry,” Worst Person says, eyeing her companions’ fries. “Can I have a couple?”

Worst Person finishes eating most of the fries off of her companions’ plates and adjourns to bathroom at back of restaurant.

“Ew, that bathroom.” Worst Person has returned. Her companions wave over the server for the bill.

Worst Person ignores bill until it is pushed her way.

“Can I just leave a twenty?” Worst Person asks. “I basically only ate half of mine. And look, they forgot to charge me for my sparkling water.”

Having paid, her companions rise to leave. They all hug. As they walk out the door, Worst Person says, “Let’s totally do this again next weekend!”

Photo via iStock.

 

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  • Harling Ross

    This is hilarious. I have hives.

  • spstanley

    I’m laughing but I’m crying.

  • Lindsay D

    “This coffee is basically just a cup of steamed almond milk with a light coffee flavor. I need more coffee.”- This is my life

    • Amelia Diamond

      ahahahah same

  • LaurelHill
    • Amelia Diamond

      this gif is reviving me on a friday

      • LaurelHill

        the friday gif wheel has come full circle, i cannot get over the scammer in your thom browne post.

        • Amelia Diamond

          my roommate (guy) is going to be joanne for halloween, I am so excited.

    • Mallory

      YAS! I was a server for 4 years, and it totally brought back memories!

    • Abby

      I was a bartender for 5 years and I worked a “bottomless brunch” for most of those years every weekend. The nightmares…

      • LaurelHill

        literal nightmares!! that sounds awful, brunch was by far my least favorite shift.

  • Amelia Diamond

    THE SAVORY APPLE. OH MY GOD. THAT IS ALSO MY LIFE.

  • Eveline

    OMG I swear I have a friend JUST. LIKE. THAT. She makes me want to hide under the table most of the time we’re out together. Also, she never has any money on her.

    • Katrina Lee

      I think Abby (above) has some advice for that.

  • depressing

  • Mallory

    This is hilarious!!

  • Abby

    If one of my “friends” was being that obnoxious in a restaurant I would absolutely call her out and then not go out to eat with her again. I used to work ~in the industry~ and I don’t stand for that shit. And I think people who let their companions act like this without so much as a strong side eye are just as bad.

  • I read two sentences of this and got rage flashes. It’s like hot flashes but it’s not age-specific and it FORKING SUCKS. BRUNCH IS EVIL.

  • “No, please don’t refill that. That’s sparkling water,” says Worst Person to a busboy. — i SEE the hand canopy that is made here over the glass

    • Leandra Medine

      guilty x 2

  • Raleigh

    If you are a person who points out empty tables to the host…you are the absolute worst.

    • Leandra Medine

      guilty

    • cinderellen

      I’m guilty. I really don’t want to be seated next to the service bar or the bathroom door. Otherwise I’m lovely though.

  • Greer Clarke

    This made me so mad and was fucking amazing

  • Sorry, that person is my husband. But I don’t bring the toasted special sparkle toast, no matter how many times he texts me.

  • Victoria Smith

    spot on.

  • Adardame

    I do not understand why anyone would want to drink sparkling water.

  • Stiletto

    So accurate and so funny! One thing though…. with all the brunchstagrams you guys must have on file, iStock, really???!! it’s like the basic betch of photo choices.

    • Leslie Price

      Ha, which is kind of the genius of it, right? Given the topic at hand…

  • I think this is me. I’m so sorry.

    • Leslie Price

      The first step is admitting it.

  • Kai Malia

    Sounds like worst person ever never worked in the service industry.

  • Lala Art

    My Dad married this woman. #2ndWife This is anonymous right?

  • Mariya K.

    Me and the Worst Person being in Paris for work.
    We have 1 hour to have coffee and breakfast so I take the Worst Person to the most charming, beautiful and authentic boulangerie on the Kléber Av., golden ceilings, painted walls and mirrors preserved from Napoleon III (the old lady inside told me the story the day before), and of course – croissants, coffee, pains au chocolat, anything…!
    The Worst person doesn’t know French.
    The Worst person, in a bitter mood – What are all these?
    I explain and translate about 20 pastry options.
    The Worst person – What is the Croissant aux amandes ?
    Me – It’s with almond’s cream inside, but it is rather sweet, if you like sweet.
    The Worst person takes it.
    A minute after we leave the 200 years ols bakery on one of the fanciest boulevards in Paris ,
    the Worst person – This is the MOST DISGUSTING THING I’ve ever eaten.

  • Worst person never tips, and probably puts a diaper in the toilet.