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Open Position: Boyfriend

One writer answers last month’s writers club prompt: show us your brutally honest dating profile.

06.04.16
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Hello, [applicant’s name]!

Thank you for your interest in a position with L.E. Hook, LLC.* While not expressly hiring at the moment, we are always on the lookout for qualified applicants. (If you do not work out we will reference the above disclaimer with a kind but clear “I’m just not really looking for a relationship right now, ya know?”)

Congratulations on making it to the initial interview stage. This means you are handsome, have a 30 Rock quote in your profile, or, if the CEO was three beers deep and letting her friends swipe, seem like you “might be a great guy!” The board welcomes you.

A little about our ideal candidate:

YOU: know how to properly load a dishwasher (the CEO does not).
YOU: have a working knowledge of first aid care
YOU: are in favor of nine-hour Netflix marathons and snacks that mean business
YOU: are Greg Olsen, but in an old-timey lumberjack outfit

Here’s some information about the CEO the board thinks you will find helpful:

Her biggest pet peeve is when people say they love Harry Potter but have not read the books. She is, as we speak, contemplating a third day of dry shampoo instead of a shower. The CEO will, without question, spill coffee on your carpet.

She loves talking politics, even if you are diametrically opposed. A spirited debate gets the CEO razzed like a vodka Redbull (which, by the way, you should not let her order). She vacillates between party girl and bookish introvert — a Biden/Obama situation, if you will. Her heart seems crusty on the outside, but is surprisingly gooey on the inside, like a Peep found three months after Easter.

A word of advice from the board:

Due to a deep-seated insecurity and fear of rejection, the CEO will not make it totally clear that you are her candidate of choice for this position. It is up to you, the applicant, to make your willingness to accept clear, but not, like, stage-five clinger clear, as this will make the CEO immediately claustrophobic and terminate the interview.

The board has tried to reason with the CEO that this method is grossly ambiguous and harmful to long-term profits. All of the board’s efforts thus far have failed, and you are as likely to be axed for one wink emoji as you are for never texting in the first place.

Now, you might be thinking, “Who is in charge here? Head? Heart? Stomach?” or “Is this one of those trendy startups where napping is encouraged?” (Yes.). The board knows this is a complicated business model, but really, the CEO wants what everyone wants: to see, be seen, and be held close during Game of Thrones.

Please don’t read our reviews on Glassdoor.

*We are not actually an LLC. The CEO picked at her split ends and took Buzzfeed quizzes during her college finance courses. If you must know, we are more like a shell corporation for a shady but mostly legal overseas venture.

Collage by Emily Zirimis.

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  • Pia Hocevar Mucic

    what a cool article, you always come up with the most crazy ideas!

    Fash ‘n’ fudge

    Fash ‘n’ fudge

  • Sara Cabitza

    Love this!

  • Zee

    I really enjoyed reading this. Funny, well written piece that I’ve come to love from MR.

    As a single gal myself, I couldn’t help but relate with all the requirements and pickiness I exhibit. Then I found myself questioning whether or not this was MR satire at its finest. Whether intended or not, this gives a comical look at how we can make the journey of finding a partner entirely about what we want.

  • “Like a peep found three months after Easter.” That line had me laughing so hard I had to set my laptop down incase I dropped it. Wonderful article!

    Sydney Xx
    Stellar Dolly

    • Haley Nahman

      Agreed, it’s so good!

  • Allie Mackin

    Hahaha too funny, if it only were that easy.

    Allie of ALLIENYC

    http://www.allienyc.com

  • This is hilarious!

  • *standing ovation*

  • erganne.wordpress.com

    Great article! Love you!

    http://www.erganne.wordpress.com

  • Aggie

    This is goooood!

  • Daria

    Loved it so much!!!

  • So hysterically accurate- especially the part “the CEO will not make it totally clear that you are her candidate of choice for this position. It is up to you, the applicant, to make your willingness to accept clear, but not, like, stage-five clinger clear, as this will make the CEO immediately claustrophobic and terminate the interview.” SO. GOOD

  • kellymcd

    “Her biggest pet peeve is when people say they love Harry Potter but have not read the books.”

    This is so real. My undying love of HP led me to get a tattoo symbolizing the main characters a few months ago. #HPorDie

    • Svenja

      Oh, picture please!

  • Skwerl King

    Somehow I don’t quite make the cut. 😛

    YOU: know how to properly load a dishwasher (the CEO does not).
    What’s a dishwasher?

    YOU: have a working knowledge of first aid care
    Duct Tape has antiseptic properties.

    YOU: are in favor of nine-hour Netflix marathons and snacks that mean business
    As long as we go outside and play the other 13 hours of the day.

    YOU: are Greg Olsen, but in an old-timey lumberjack outfit
    My name’s Skwerl, Mr King, if you are nasty, and I’ve jacked my share of lumber in style.

  • Zoe

    Can you make a tab of the writer’s club submissions please ? Trying to binge read !