Every Thought Catalog Advice Piece, as Written by Your Dad
Man is that man wise
Subject: thought catalog???
It has come to my attention that there’s an internet page called a “thought catalog” that hosts whiny essays and lists of advice written by young people who are just as dramatic as you are. Apparently reading these pieces puts you at ease, but it seems that bookmarking “How I Moved On By Powering Off” on a laptop that definitely has a virus (I told you to invest in spyware!!) seems counterproductive when you’re already a half an hour late to therapy. (Don’t forget your insurance card!!!)
I know that you like to be self-sufficient with your apps and Google spreadsheets, but I thought you should know that I have a simple thought dad-alog of my very own: Every Anxiety You Ever Had About Life Can Be Silenced by Taking a Nap With One Hand in Your Pants.
I’m not talking about in a gross way — the government might be reading this — ya know, just let it hang out. Turn on whatever iPod tablet you use to watch your shows nowadays and just doze off, using your sweatpants like a Chinese finger trap. You physically won’t be able to use your phone to check your emails or follow the compulsion to finish shading in that unicorn you started coloring in your adult workbook. (Ask your therapist, but I think this is called regression.) I don’t know much, but I do know that this always makes me feel better, barring the one time I “dipped in” after eating hot Cheetos beforehand.
Here are a few other tips that I think might help just as well. I don’t have a big, moody picture to kick them off, so I’ll use my favorite Emoji instead: ?
1. Don’t trust drones.
2. Stop taking pictures at concerts.
3. Never fasten the first button of your pants.
4. McDonald’s coffee is underrated.
5. So is Shania Twain.
6. Call me when Uber fails.
7. Write down your Netflix password.
8. Write down where you wrote down your Netflix password.
9. Eight glasses of water is ridiculous. Drink when you’re thirsty, or just have a Coke instead.
10. Cheese is a good place to start.
11. Salad is for quitters.
12. Why pay for holes in your jeans???
13. Proofread voice-to-text iMessages; especially those to your mother (“I have a condom” is not “I have the car on.”)
14. No one cares except for you.
15. Tinfoil doesn’t belong in the microwave.
16. Not advice, but I don’t understand me-mes!!
17. If you miss your friends, either call them or move on.
18. On the subject of phones: Always have a landline.
19. Don’t sign the back of your credit card.
20. Buy land with your savings. They aren’t making more of it!
21. Love is getting into an argument while you’re on the toilet.
22. Always ask your mother first.
I hope that this works, but if it doesn’t, see No. 22 for further instructions. ?
PS – Where did his mouth go??????? ?????
Illustrations by Cynthia Merhej.