Every Thought Catalog Advice Piece, as Written by Your Dad

Mia Lardiere | June 19, 2016

Man is that man wise

Every-Thought-Catalog-Advice-Piece,-Rewritten-by-Your-Dad-Cynthia-Merhej-Man-Repeller-Feature-1

From: gone_fishin_dad@hotmail.com
Subject: thought catalog???

Shmoop,

It has come to my attention that there’s an internet page called a “thought catalog” that hosts whiny essays and lists of advice written by young people who are just as dramatic as you are. Apparently reading these pieces puts you at ease, but it seems that bookmarking “How I Moved On By Powering Off” on a laptop that definitely has a virus (I told you to invest in spyware!!) seems counterproductive when you’re already a half an hour late to therapy. (Don’t forget your insurance card!!!)

I know that you like to be self-sufficient with your apps and Google spreadsheets, but I thought you should know that I have a simple thought dad-alog of my very own: Every Anxiety You Ever Had About Life Can Be Silenced by Taking a Nap With One Hand in Your Pants.

I’m not talking about in a gross way — the government might be reading this — ya know, just let it hang out. Turn on whatever iPod tablet you use to watch your shows nowadays and just doze off, using your sweatpants like a Chinese finger trap. You physically won’t be able to use your phone to check your emails or follow the compulsion to finish shading in that unicorn you started coloring in your adult workbook. (Ask your therapist, but I think this is called regression.) I don’t know much, but I do know that this always makes me feel better, barring the one time I “dipped in” after eating hot Cheetos beforehand.

Here are a few other tips that I think might help just as well. I don’t have a big, moody picture to kick them off, so I’ll use my favorite Emoji instead: ?

1. Don’t trust drones.

2. Stop taking pictures at concerts.

3. Never fasten the first button of your pants.

4. McDonald’s coffee is underrated.

5. So is Shania Twain.

6. Call me when Uber fails.

7. Write down your Netflix password.

8. Write down where you wrote down your Netflix password.

9. Eight glasses of water is ridiculous. Drink when you’re thirsty, or just have a Coke instead.

10. Cheese is a good place to start.

11. Salad is for quitters.

12. Why pay for holes in your jeans???

13. Proofread voice-to-text iMessages; especially those to your mother (“I have a condom” is not “I have the car on.”)

14. No one cares except for you.

15. Tinfoil doesn’t belong in the microwave.

16. Not advice, but I don’t understand me-mes!!

17. If you miss your friends, either call them or move on.

18. On the subject of phones: Always have a landline.

19. Don’t sign the back of your credit card.

20. Buy land with your savings. They aren’t making more of it!

21. Love is getting into an argument while you’re on the toilet.

22. Always ask your mother first.

I hope that this works, but if it doesn’t, see No. 22 for further instructions. ?

Love you,
Dad

PS – Where did his mouth go??????? ?????

Illustrations by Cynthia Merhej.

dad-fathers-day

  • Amelia Diamond

    Sent to my dad

    • Mr. Diamond needs a weekly advice newsletter like Rev Run used to send out from his bathtub

  • This is so perfect. My dad always says #12 & #20. I never listen…

    • I search for land on Amazon everyday in hopes that I can get it with Prime

      • lol, I fucking wish, right?!

  • I just got off the phone with my dad. After telling him that I missed going out hiking because my allergies make it impossible to breathe out of my nose, he responded with “Maybe you could try opening your mouth and breathing out of that?”

    Thanks for the always stellar life advice, dad!

    p.s. – My dad’s favorite thing to say to me every time I leave the house is “Do what you want, just don’t get caught.” Not sure what he thought I was out doing as a teenager…but I never did get caught, so I guess the advice sticks. 😉

    • Olivia Peake

      My dad says something similar! Is there some common knowledge dispensed to all dads about weird advice to give their daughters?? Mine has always told me ‘Be good! And if you can’t be good, be careful.’
      Um.. thanks?

      • Better this than the occasional high five at a baseball game, right?

      • Ha! My dad used to say that too!

  • lol @ number 2. My dad’s instagram is literally ONLY pics of concerts…and he’s an architect….

  • Michaela Williams

    So many LOLz.

  • They’re pretty good! Yay ? Dad!

  • Marylène Madou

    Haha, my dad asks me why I paid for “jeans that are ready to throw out” every single time I wear my destroy jeans. “So you’re throwing them out after wearing them today, right?” He hates them.

  • Pia Sophie

    mcDonalds coffee IS underrated! shania twain, however, is not.

    • having a McD’s coffee + a fresh hash brown is like licking Midas’s toes