When you look wistfully into the distance, eyes fixed on the fiery horizon, do you reflect on the troubling beauty of your own insignificance or how tragically you dressed in high school? For me, it’s an intoxicating combination of both.
Nothing sends me careening toward the latter quite like a nostalgic wander through MTV’s The Hills, a show from which I regrettably gleaned much sartorial inspiration.
It seems like just yesterday that we lived and breathed the doe-eyed stares — be they of joy or horror — of one head-banded Lauren “LC” Conrad. The show debuted on May 31, 2006 (that’s 10 years ago, math wizards!) with a premiere titled, “New City, New Drama.”
While that wasn’t entirely wrong — there was plenty of drama and the more manufactured the better, frankly — I’d like to offer up an alternative: “New City, New Clothes.”
There was a lot of style happening on that show and if you’ve been itching to return to your 2006 roots (she said to literally no one) then please shift your gaze from the setting sun to this here time machine and join me in breaking down the 17 rules of style for dressing on The Hills’ .
1) If you’re suffering a stress headache as a direct result of your best friend’s boyfriend’s unsettling name, consider holding your head together with a headband or on with a strand of pearls. Preferably both.
2) A high ponytail might say, “I’m following my dreams,” but a mid-height ponytail featuring a subtle braid says “Why would she even come here?”
4) Remember: there does not exist a cotton spaghetti-strap tank top that is too long or too fitted.
6) You know what pairs well with vaguely bootcut jeans? Vaguely baggy boots.
7) Aviators communicate your superiority while also conveniently hiding your dead eyes.
8) Bleach the shit out of your hair for beachside heart-to-hearts.
9) The bigger the bangle, the bigger the lie.
11) Always wear a maxi if you suspect you’ll be gossiping on or around an outdoor daybed.
12) Massive sunglasses blur the lines of even your most platonic relationships.
13) Your graphic tank need not reflect your personal interests in the slightest.
14) Pigtail braids and chicken skirts make for sentimental goodbyes.
15) If your hair can’t take the heat of a 700-degree straightener, get the F out of the Hollywood hills.
16) Keep your black eyeliner thick and your empire waist thin or I won’t even hear what you’re saying.
17) Pronouncements of love and hate are better communicated through a heavy coat of lip gloss.
The rest is still unwritten…
Feature photographs via Pop Sugar; carousel photograph from WireImage via Page Six.