We’ve asked a lot of questions this season and gotten few answers, which is the way it goes, I think. Unless you happen upon an unlocked bike on the side of the street, ripe for the taking, the universe rarely screams out to you and gives you what you think you need. But it’s okay.
And we’re okay — better and stronger than we were when we still had waist-length hair and no scruples. We shop at Eileen Fisher now, and we’re happier, maybe? We know how to send fruit baskets and Ubers to rid ourselves of our dick-ish ex-boyfriends. Or is that just Hannah? Because I know I wouldn’t.
I’m sorry to say goodbye to this show this season. I haven’t loved every minute, but, Hannah, you know, it really is just like Frankie Valli sang: Even now, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.
Episode 9 (The Finale, Part 1):
1. Since when does Hannah have money to pay for breakup Ubers? Good for her!
2. Who is going to Photoshop Khaleesi’s hair onto Ray’s head for me? Whoever you are, please leave your contribution to my eternal happiness in the comments.
3. Okay, who else thought Principal Toby was going to make a move on Hannah? It’s not just me. I know it’s not just me. This show has made me diseased.
4. Hasn’t Hannah not been “headed anywhere in particular at the moment” for five seasons?
5. What do you think Lisa Bonet keeps in her saddlebag? Besides herbal tinctures and unbridled terror charms?
6. Where can I find Elijah? I need to give him a hug and a tub of vegan ice cream.
7. Do you know a real live human who you like who writes “found poetry”?
8. Meanwhile, who is going to volunteer to write me a poem about a tunic?
9. Have you ever stolen a thing because the universe told you to?
10. You always know that no one is really living a perma-happy, super-shiny existence. I mean, did you hear the one about Essena O’Neill? But, still. Is there anything more gratifying than confirmation of that fact?
11. How could you, Marnie? Really, how could you? Are we supposed to be happy or what?
12. When is the last time you burst into hysterics so hard you sobbed? Head to the comments. Tell us everything.
13. Does anyone else feel like this show’s love geometry is getting more complicated than the Kardashians’?
1. Maybe this is Hannah doing interval training?
2. Have you ever run away from your parents? Actively?
3. Can you even be open to a mom dressed like Pat Benatar?
4. Do you have to be worried that Hermie is voting for Donald Trump? I’m worried. Also, where does one even buy a Romney 2012 poster anymore? They don’t sell them at Housing Works, I don’t think?
5. Isn’t it weird how feeling jealous and like you miss someone sometimes gets all wrapped up together? Like, Jessa, babe, you’re asking Adam why he doesn’t just go get Hannah, but aren’t you sort of saying that you wish you could go get Hannah?
6. Aren’t you glad that Girls and Man Repeller agree on Eileen Fisher?
7. Does the conversation that Elijah and Tad have on that couch — where, remember?, Marnie once had sex in that terrible printed dress one time — make you believe that the future has promise? In that sad, blue-tinted home, I’m having a pretty hard time picturing it.
8. I mean, isn’t it pretty reprehensible of Jessa to do this? Isn’t it worse than reprehensible?
9. Does anyone expect more of Adam and Jessa than this? I don’t.
10. I believe that neither of them is scared and that they’re both truly out of their minds, but I just want to take the opportunity to poll the crowd: Do Adam and Jessa terrify anyone else?
11. How many people in New York City at this moment could utter the words, “I have a podcast. I care”? Estimate!
12. I’m so nervous for Hannah I think I need to vomit?
13. “Because that’s a fact. I’m Hannah forever — no matter what I do, no matter whether I start a new nuclear missile crisis with my emotions or just sit back and chill and give someone a fruit basket. I can only control the mayhem I create around me.” And, really, pals, watchers, viewers, hate-bingers, have you ever heard truer words come out of Hannah’s mouth?
14. Okay, so who here wants me to tell a story about the dude who delivered fruit baskets to my door for just about two years? It’s pretty good.
15. Are you proud of Tad?
16. And, here, it is: Is anyone really too good to be true?