The Trials and Triumphs of a Certified Shorty
“So like, how tall are you?”
Size, no mater what the naysayers claim, matters. Not so much in that it determines, limits, or even contributes to beauty — you’re beautiful at any size — but can we really deny how existing on the border of not being allowed on certain rides at Six Flags influences how we see the world and how (and if) the world sees us? You might know me as that girl you laugh at while I ask strangers to grab me a sweater from a really-not-that-high shelf at J.Crew, but I also consider myself an educator representing the vertically challenged. Come on in, learn something:
– A close personal relationship with my tailor, whose extensive Russian nesting doll collection I believe I am personally financing
– A Napoleon complex (see above)
– A big personality
– A few blazers from the boys’ department
– Access to all the hotties who stand at 5’6
– Lifts, which I put in my sneakers
Appropriate responses to, “Wow, you’re really short”:
– “You’re really short.” (Note: this is especially effective if the offending party is not, in fact, short.)
– “Well, my feet touch the ground.”
– “I am!?!??!”
Inappropriate Responses to, “Wow, you’re really short”:
– “Good things come in small packages.”
– [Middle finger]
– “That’s not what your mom said.”
Most Effective Threat:
– “I will come over and put all of your stuff on the top shelf.”
Situations That You Wouldn’t Think Are Perilous but Are Because I Get Elbowed in the Eye:
– Music festivals
– Really, any kind of concert without seating
– Crowded subways
– NBA locker rooms (have never been to one, but assuming)
– Walking from point A to point B in any popular bar or restaurant
– Standing near people as they take off jackets (elbow to face)
Let’s talk about clothes:
For all of the ankle-grazing coats (sidewalk-grazing, more like it) and jeans with interesting hems — fur and feathers and fringe — that exist beyond our reach (the good parts get chopped when we take our jeans to the tailor), there are things that work for us.
– Take the workhorse of clothing, the midi A-line skirt. Petite women are transformed in such a garment.
– Never overlook the lengthening powers of a pair of statement earrings or deep v-neck, or a mini skirt which will never be too short to be inappropriate. However.
– Ironic girly clothes do not work on me because they are simply not ironic. In Peter Pan collars, school girl-inspired anything, button down shirts buttoned all the way up and most polka dots, I look like someone who got separated from her school trip to the Planetarium.
– Maxi dresses accentuate the problem
– 1,000 thank you’s to whoever popularized flatforms
– Ditto high-waisted jeans (the bigger the FUPA, the closer to God. I think Dolly Parton said that.)
Type your comments in caps; I can’t hear you down here.
Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis.