I watched the series premiere of Girls last night. And now I have at least 19 questions about it. Like Hannah and the people she still seems to think of as her friends, I need answers.
Five seasons in, we’re all still searching.
1. When Marnie laments that she had “the option for a tent, but of course [she] didn’t take it,” is that, like, a metaphor for her entire existence so far? Discuss.
2. On a scale of 1-10, how much happier would Marnie be if she could have at least most of her conversations with her own reflection?
3. A two part-er:
a) Of the foursome, is Marnie more the Ted Cruz or the Donald Trump? As in, is she truly malevolent and yet sincere in her craziness? Or, is she more the stop-at-nothing egomaniac on a mission for world domination kind?
b) Is this comparison more or less inappropriate than that time Fran arrived about six hours early to a wedding? Not that I’m some kind of expert on the intricacies of fifteenth-wave feminism, but I’m pretty sure the good men understand that female-only spaces are sacred.
4. Multiple choice! Who invented the myth that rain on your wedding day means good luck and fertility?
a) Your bubbe
b) The patriarchy
c) Olivia Pope, professional spin doctor
d) The Ndebele tribe
5. Is #notallweddings some kind of statement about #notallmen? Is a #yesallfuneralsforwomeninvolvebarrelcurls backlash inevitable? Asking for a Marnie.
6. Do you know a grown man who, like Desi, uses the word “baby” to refer to other humans? If so, can you fix him? While you’re doing good deeds, can you make sure this same asshole never ever tells someone he is a “comrade in arts” or a “comrade in arms”? Unless he is in the armed forces at least several centuries ago, both are inexcusable.
7. Is Desi spiritually required to phrase his every utterance in the words of rejected Hoobastank lyrics?
8. Is Jessa wearing a cross? Relatedly, do you think Jessa knows what cool Jesus would do?
9. On that note, how is it possible that we’ve made it through almost some three-dozen episodes and no one has found Kabbalah yet? Lena, come on.
10. When Adam leans in and kisses Jessa and Jessa sort of doesn’t kiss back and then sort of does, is it better or worse that she at least had the presence of mind to whisper, “I can’t,” first?
11. Multiple choice! Which couple do Ray and Marnie most resemble:
a) Jack and Rose
b) Romeo and Juliet
c) Seth and Summer, but only in season one
d) Spencer and Heidi
12. Is it ever alright to tell a bride that she looks like a Starbucks cup? Does it depend on whether or not you mean she looks like one of those cute festive red cups?
13. Will crotch-length vests for men ever make a real comeback? And is a guru a true guru if he doesn’t have a thin cotton scarf looped around his neck?
14. If Bridezilla Marnie is indeed as Hannah declares, “like a rom-com that even I wouldn’t want to watch,” can someone please make the rom-coms we do want to watch? Judd Apatow, I know you’re out there! Send help!
15. Do you think Fran has sisters? What’s his mom like?
16. Is the test of good friendship letting your oldest pal marry a delusional jerk?
17. Lip liner???
18. For a person who’s been the shittiest friend ever, Marnie seems to really believe that she’s always been there for Hannah. Who gave her the secret codes to such underserved confidence? Can she email them to me?
19. Based on his all-black attire, doesn’t it kind of look like Elijah is attending a funeral for humanity? Isn’t this unholy wedding pretty much exactly that?
Follow Girls whiz and author Mattie on Twitter @mattiekahn; Collage by Emily Zirimis.