Everyone’s blood sugar starts to crash sometime between lunch and dinner, but we don’t all reach for the same thing. We’re individuals, of course, and how you react says a lot about you. Who needs a therapist’s couch when your midday Twix directly correlates with your childhood after school special? Who needs a Myers Briggs test when your preference for protein checks all the personality boxes you could ever put forward? Who needs a whole list of snacks that explains your most inner-self if you can’t even eat it? Oh…you answered “me” to that last one? Better get to it then:
Your body is a temple and what goes inside is mostly green. Your gateway drug was probably a kale Caesar salad, but now you more or less spend all of your disposable income and calorie consumption on green juice. You even found a dessert with kale in it. You might be vegan. You have been Paleo. Either way, you care more about “getting your veggies” than a Nick Jr. PSA and know that snack time is the right time to slip in nature’s candy.
Around 3 p.m. you probably reach for an apple, an Eat Pops green ice pop or some of those “cheesy” yeast kale chips. You’ve been known to get crazy, though, spicing life up with new products you discover while taking part in your favorite pastime: strolling leisurely through your local heath food store, dabbing on the essential oils and making double laps past the sample gal.
Why eat for great taste when you could eat lots and lots and lots of something that tastes okay? You don’t understand those people who take one bite of something really indulgent and then stop. They might be aliens. The CIA should really look into it. Anyway, you are a quantity person. From your large bag of air popped chips to your frozen yogurt that basically has negative calories, you want to get at least 30 hand-or-spoon-fulls from your afternoon pick me up. At the end of the day, nothing tastes as good as an extended snack time feels.
From shakes to bars to a pound of plain grilled chicken in the middle of the day, you are all about that protein. You don’t fool around when it comes to amino acids, and you think one of the greatest innovations of the 21st century is that food companies have the ability to fit 24 grams of protein into those teeny, tiny bars.
You’re starving by the time 3 p.m. comes around and rightfully so: you finish your [insert crazy intense cardio and strength training type workout here] before most people brush their teeth in the morning. In your world, there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing when that good thing is protein.
Low blood sugar is a totally reasonable excuse to eat the kind of candy usually reserved for 5-year-olds on Halloween. Sour Patch Kids? Yes please. The Sour Patch watermelons? Uh, yea. Old fashioned jelly beans? An underrated food group.
You spot candy where others might pass by without thinking twice: one lollipop from the reception desk here, another handful of Tootsie Rolls from your coworker’s office there. Not all candy is created equal — there are definitely things you would rather put in a make-your-own bag at Dylan’s candy bar — but when all is said and done, you’ve never met a bite size piece of sugar that you didn’t love.
Your energy starts to dip, so you take out a bar of high end chocolate from your temperature-controlled desk drawer, break off a tiny square to nibble on, and, Ahhhh, so much better. If it’s been a particularly stressful day or you had a light lunch, maybe you’ll go in for a second piece. Then you put your chocolate bar right back from where you got it and resume the latter part of your day.
“All I need is a taste” is your motto, which your friends pretend to understand but absolutely do not. You’re willing to spend an exorbitant amount on any given chocolate item because it lasts you for so damn long. In fact, you can’t remember the last time you had to actually go buy a snack since you’ve been nibbling on that bar of 72% dark chocolate with sea salt for at least a couple of weeks.
You are neither proud nor ashamed: it’s a fact that you need your daily chocolate fix. Some days you down it, other days it lasts you a whole afternoon, but as as soon as those paper and aluminum layers come off: GAME ON. It doesn’t matter if the bar you’re working on is 85% cacao or Hershey’s from CVS — you are very open minded. Just like a parent tries not to pick favorites, you see the good in all of your chocolate options. Even if that means white chocolate in times of desperation.
You pretend to be the nibbler. You want to be the nibbler. Sometimes you act like the nibbler and succeed. But deep down you are a devourer.
If you’ve already eaten lunch, dinner is nowhere in site, and there is free food around, chances are it will end up in your belly. You are still super confused about how repulsed your colleague was when you ate that half-eaten slice of pizza that was just lying around your office after a team meeting. Beggars can’t be choosy and they certainly can’t specify whether they prefer sweet or savory, so every day is an adventure for you.
Whether or not you like office parties, you always show up for the snacks, often taking full plates back to your office to save for another time. There may or may not be reserves in your desk drawers because why not stock up when you have the chance?
…Did anyone else just get weirdly hungry? What kind of snacker are you?