Monocycle: Episode 10, Going Through It

Leandra Medine | January 29, 2016

You might want to tell those rude voices in your head to listen, too

All hail Friday afternoon, the best time of the entire week. Topics of discussion today on Monocycle:

A) The stuff you tell yourself when you look into the mirror and no one is listening
B) Letting yourself feel like shit
C) Knowing when to pull yourself out of the vicious cycle because it’s been too long since you last felt good about yourself and, sorry for the platitude, but that’s all in your head
D) Call your mom and tell her you love her. One day you might be a neglected mom who just wants to make your daughter feel better about going through IVF. (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)

Intro song: “The Show Must Be Go” by Kevin MacLeod, licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License. Logo illustration by Kelly Shami; background image photographed by Craig McDean

Monocycle is edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander.


  • Sofia Jasmine Sheth

    This was powerful, and beautiful.

  • Julia

    most relatable episode yet for me.

    • Julia

      thank you thank you thank you

    • Alice Vasquez

      I am getting a salary of 4600 dollars each week. Over a year ago I was in a horrible condition , jobless and no bank credit . Thanks to one of my friends who showed me a way where I was able to gather myself and making average of 58 d/h. So it can change your life as it has changed mine.

      To Know More About That Click Here

  • Rebecca Mamrol

    You are seriously a lifesaver for refocusing my day today. As someone who is not an accomplished fashionista, but a generally very outdoorsy person sitting here with a very badly broken foot unable to walk for months, this could not have come at a better time. Yes there are bigger problems in the world, but getting out of the sweatpants will help, maybe my closet can make me feel better today (If I can find something to fit over my huge, 10+ lb foot cast).

    • Yvonne Dunlevie

      Hey Rebecca! I love your comment so much! And very sorry to hear about your foot. You’re totally right though – whether you are an “accomplished fashionista” as you say, or someone who dresses to clothe themselves, sometimes when plan A isn’t working you gotta look for inspiration in plan B (or C, or D!). And I bet you have awesome outdoor gear.

      • Rebecca Mamrol

        Aww, thanks! I just wanted to reply to the content of this and assure Leandra/MR that your thoughts are valuable to yet another person way outside of NY, and that your approach to fashion/self image is therapeutic in almost any mindset, metaphorically or literally. I’ve been reading quietly from afar for like over 4 years now. Also, I might not be able to wear heels, but you can bet that bright pink jacket lets people know that a girl is up on your ice climbing goal for the day – and got on it ahead of you!! Style fortunately is available in more than street fashion 🙂

  • Holly

    Dear Leandra,

    Hearing you speak so frankly and openly about the shit you are soldiering through, was touching. has long provided refuge from all woe, being a little mecca of offbeat happenings that teases out a smile and a giggle, no matter what.

    In the absence of being able to give a real, physical cheer of support, I hope that my gratitude for this outlet that you have created, can in some way serve to do so.

    Once more, thanks for being genuine and real. It means (and does) a lot.

    • Mikky Bankinsonbgaf

      My previous month paycheck was 5000 bucks for Working 15 h weekly over internet. Sister’s friend averages About 12000 for months now and she is working for about twenty Hours Weekly. I can’t believe how easy it was when I tried it. The Sky is limit here.Here is what i am doing.http:// Read moreTHANKS FOR WATCHING

  • Anastasiya Mozgovaya

    Thank you so much for this podcast in general and this episode in particular. Thank you so much for being brave and honest. I sincerely hope this hell will be over for you as soon as possible, and we will be reading about a little Man Repeller here <3

  • Michael Buchinger

    Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience with us. Sending you a virtual hug!

  • Maggi

    Hang in there Leandra! It’s so hard listen to your honesty and not be able to say “Oh, I knowww!” (I do say it though, just in my head!). I didn’t feel like I had anyone close to me that would really understand the frustration and disappointment of not being able to get pregnant. I’m glad that you have a place to share your thoughts, because even though I can’t respond verbally, I hope it is some comfort to know some of us are quietly nodding our heads. And yes, as a mother now, we do want our children to lean on us, even if we might not understand how you feel. Extra hugs for your mum please 🙂

  • Maddy

    Leandra, you have a beautiful and genuine soul <3

  • Arti Zanna

    I felt moved to spontaneously respond to this.

    I am about to take my trigger injection after an assisted miscarriage and another natural miscarriage and finding out that I have a genetic condition and this my unborn child is at a high risk of chromosomal abnormality. So now I am pumped full of drugs like a bloated cow, ready for harvest. And still I have to see if they can make and screen an embryo so that it will stand a chance of surviving unlike nature’s first two.

    As a woman who’s greatest fear has been infertility, who has always felt the force of my maternal desire, this is one of the most destabilizing, taboo and devastating experiences. And as a highly educated and supposedly successful woman this inability to fulfill my most basic womanly function and to not be able to control this aspect of my future when surrounded by ‘successful’ female specimens is deeply affecting. But I do believe that those of us who experience this really do gain an emotional depth – the vulnerability of which you speak- which strengthens our human experience. And reminds us of our own human fragility. We expect life to be good to us because we are privileged and then we are floored when things are hard. But life, and the human lives that we are trying to create, is struggle. And although it feels so terribly unfair when we look around at these women seemingly popping out babies at the drop of a hat, I can’t help feeling that when we eventually get there, whenever that may be, we will be so damn grounded and deep and zen because we’ve been through hell and we’ve got there in the end (I hope).

  • Sophie

    This was honestly so helpful and comforting to read. I’ve been in such a dark hole the past few days and I have loads of beautiful clothes in my wardrobe that I can’t wear because I gained weight recently. However I need to force myself to be grateful and happy because I gained weight due to my recent birthday and I ate loads of delicious food with people I love dearly. And whilst it may take a while before I fit in my favourite jeans again, and a little while longer before I feel good in a bikini, I need to make sure I get up, dress up, and show up, in the meantime, because otherwise I’m going to miss out on all the beautiful things life has to offer. A little extra belly fat or some slightly thicker thighs shouldn’t stop me from enjoying my wonderful, exquisite, fascinating life.
    All the best with the IVF Leandra – I was born by IVF so I hope you have the same luck that my mom had! I am so grateful for science giving me the opportunity for this life, I wouldn’t be here without it (and much less worrying about my jean size…). Loads of love, S x (from Oxford, U.K.)

  • Jessica

    hey! i appreciate this. as a therapist and mental health/wellness advocate i wanted to say that this is both relatable and pretty well-grounded in actual therapeutic techniques. i recently wrote about similar ways to make yourself feel good and while listening i thought, “is this me on this podcast?!” you’re wiser than you might feel right now, and you’re doing great!

  • V


  • Kerrith

    I’d like to recommend Santigold’s “Can’t Get Enough of Myself” on repeat until it permeates your brain. If you are pregnant in the near future you will find it may be quite a while before you’re feeling super stellar about what you see in the mirror, although you will feel stellar about the reason, which will change your whole outlook on changing shapes. Perhaps take this time to think outside the box (your box, not the mainstream box) about what makes you feel good about yourself from a sartorial standpoint.

  • Alessia

    “we have much more control than we realize”. so true! thank you so much for this x

  • Well said! This is a very relatable emotional progression and I appreciate the way you were able to phrase it and walk us through it. These episodes truly make me feel better about daily life, please keep it up!

  • *

    Okay: Now I’m crying ….

    I’ve been drowning in a new job that is totally kicking my tail. The stress & dread & overwhelmingness is overwhelming. I cant sleep at night, so I feel like crap all day long. Every day, I question my ability to do the job (even though deep down I know I can).

    I think of life right now as a sinking ship. Instead of trying to cling to the ship, I need to swim AWAY from the ship & find somewhere safe where I can save my damn self. And finding a warm hand – like MR – to help pull me out of the freezing water is saving me.

    Sis, thank you for your warm hand & warm heart …

  • Courtney

    You are seriously so amazing. Sometimes it’s the little things that break you down and end up making you feel crazy, and it’s such a relief to hear someone say it out loud.

  • Tatiana Popovitchenko

    It sucks that you are going through this. But with that, this raw vulnerability you addressed in a previous episode is really showing through and is connecting to so many people.

    This is a tolerable discomfort right now in the face of one of the most human and greatest goals another person can have: to share their love and grow it up into another human. You go girl. Put on all the diamonds and just shine through the day.

  • I’m so sorry you’re sad. It sucks, it just really sucks. You’re right, when I’m really really sad (not just normal sad) it feels like I’ll never be happy again, yet, just like a cold or stomach ache, it *does* go away even though when you’re in the thick of it it feels like your status quo, forever.

    And as for your acknowledgement that this is a “stupid problem” I feel like whenever something really shitty happens to me (big or small) I feel the urge to keep convincing other people that I know whatever I’m going thru is a 1st world problem, that I’m not a dramatic person. That i had to keep being self-aware and meta and self-deprecating. It’s exhausting. Part of it was authority figures that I went to for help telling me that they’ve heard of people going through much worse problems, and (not-so-close) friends shying away from me because I stopped being the chill laid-back person they thought I was. Maybe people are trying to help when they brush off your problems as ain’t no thang, but personally it just made me feel like I was being crazy for feeling sad. Sometimes you just want someone to validate your feelings. Whether it’s because you got a ugly haircut or a loved one is dying, you don’t want someone to say it’s all going to be ok. You just want someone to say I feel ya.

    But you’re right, ultimately only you can help yourself and psych yourself out. Because even your mama has her own life and therapists kick you out at the end of the hour. People will love you unconditionally, but only you can deal with alllllll of your shit. And by “you” I mean all of us.

  • Nell Whalen

    Listened to this twice in a row–EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Leandra, I think you are slowly but surely changing my outlook on life. You have become one of my biggest role models this past year, and will be an incredible mother. I can’t wait to work for you someday! xx

  • I just read a book about vulnerability, called “Daring Greatly.” This monocycle depicts being vulnerable and how vulnerable is not weakness, it’s engagement. It’s power. It’s the driving force of everything. I admire this monocycle and all your monocycles for its effective use of being vulnerable.

  • Also Leandra, as a 20 year old girl you are my inspiration.

  • I really, really needed to hear this and I really, really appreciate you <3

  • Sary Walrus

    This is 100% relatable. They way you feel about your wardrobe, particularly people who covet them so much, is representative of how you feel about yourself.

  • Luxe Lis

    Hey Ms. Manrepeller! Life is chaos. Sometimes it’s half full & sometimes half empty. You are in the spotlight 24/7…different lifestyle to most people. Of course it’s gonna make you feel burned out. I suggest you spend more time inside yourself. Get to know yourself better..take a breather. It’s okay. Those that get hurt by you be good to yourself, never really gave to cents. Those that don’t take things to heart, will stay by your side. Take care of yourself first…The fashion will always be there. There is an ocean of fashion, but only one lovely Leandra! xo ????

  • l:ly

    hello i am about to listen to this monocylce in hopes that it will stabilize my monday brain. fingers crossed

    • l:ly

      ok it’s helping. i’m semi crying at my desk because this feels like a virtual hug but it’s helping

      • l:ly

        ps i am virtually hugging you back leandra

  • Ciara

    Hearing you tear up made me tear up! I don’t think enough people really appreciate how raw and human it is to be vulnerable and, well, sad, when life is hard and shitty for you. I think a lot of the time we put these ridiculous expectations on ourselves to plough through and “suck it up.” But in reality, we go through some things in life whereby we just have to acknowledge our hurt, angst, or sadness. It’s not as simple as just carrying on with every day routine. Our emotional health is begging for us to slow down.
    But you’re totally right – you should acknowledge and sit with sadness for a bit, and then gather yourself up and move forward. That acknowledgement shouldn’t be undermined though. Go easy on yourself 🙂 I can only imagine how difficult this time in your life must be for you. But like you say, the result will be worth it. You’re such an amazing woman and an inspiration for girls and women – I have absolutely no doubt you’ll make an incredible mother. Lots of love xxxx

  • Therese Lindberg

    I truly loved this episode and I realized I could listen to your voice and thoughts all day everyday. To hear you be this brave and honest and true made me take my guard down, trusting that it’s ok to be a human woman. I thank you. May love and light follow you.

  • Mariana

    Leandra, hearing you tear up made me want to give you a hug!
    I feel that this podcast works as a therapy for you and also gives us the opportunity to know you better, and more important, knowing that our struggles are sometimes the same. In some way make us feel all connected.
    I know that some (or the majority) of our problems are “just” first world problems (we have a place to live, work, family, friends) so why sometimes we just feel not good about ourselves and hopeless? I believe we should embrace that feeling and not being ashamed of that (as sometimes society wants us to do, to “Grow up, are people worst than you” and the response is “Yes, I KNOW, but I can’t help it” and after that we feel worst and ungrateful for what we have). We should not be ashamed of our own feelings, we must express them, but what we need to work about that is not be dominated by them in a medium-long run.
    Big hug from Portugal

  • Dominique

    Greatness. Thanks for this Leandra. As someone who’s also going through it, it’s good to know that it literally happens to the best of us. I teared up when you teared up because you’re the homie in my head lol. Please remember to be kind and patient with yourself. That’s what my mom always tells me. This too shall pass. 🙂

  • crazyloverblue

    Best one yet ? It did make me take a new perspective and feel better. Hang in there. Ps- calling my mom this evening

  • shrizzyc

    thank you.

  • Sandy

    thank you for this. Could not have connected with the message on a more necessary day. Trying to find something to wear to a wedding that fits and is interesting to me — flatters my best self — trying to do my job in a meaningful way, care for my people, cope with aging, call my mother, like my sister, say my prayers. Really, I join the fans and thank you for your candor and vulnerability.

  • Lady Grinning Soul

    And good luck.
    You are amazing.

    Everything you said is relatable. I am not going through IVF (although I had a very difficult struggle with getting pregnant in the past), but I just lost my godmother and have been feeling like shit.
    You said everything I needed to hear and made my day a lot better.

  • Chelsey

    This was so wonderful. Thank you.

  • A Girl

    “we have so much more control than we realize” — thank you for this reminder 🙂

  • Hanna

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Leandra. It so beautiful and courageous of you to open up like that and share your feelings and struggles with all of us. It shows what an honest, strong and beautiful person you are.

  • ReinaG

    Seriously might be my fav of your podcasts. I’ve been going through a knee injury and gaining weight and just like not able to live my life the way I usually do and the way that makes me feel empowered. Leandra you the baddest bae, this was so helpful.

  • Shelly Bishop

    you’re the best. really.