All the People You Get to Be by Simply Wearing Gucci

Pre-fall 16 lets you try on, like, 100 different identities for size

12.15.15

Alessandro Michele showed a 78-look collection for Pre-Fall for Gucci and it really drove home the point that trends are out and personal style is in. In fact, the 78-look emotional template includes such a vast array of identities, that I couldn’t help writing narratives for ten of them. Scroll, scroll, scroll and please, for the sake of my ego, laugh.

Runway images via Vogue Runway, collages by Emily Zirimis

1

This is Beata. She is the true and original author of “The Giving Tree,” who was Margaret Keane-d by Shel Silverstein but is now speaking out against his profound acts of intellectual violence using her dress as a template, and her glasses as a lawyer.

2

Meet Alexandra, a botanist turned masseuse who dabbled into modeling in her early twenties and maintains the flare of a “Vogue girl,” so to speak, but only because it helps her earn clients.

3

Erica worked at a library until she won a $49 lotto ticket last May, so she quit her job and took up exottery, which is the portmanteau for exotic pottery. So she stitches crystals (often those of the healing variety) and skins onto porcelain plates. To date, she has sold one.

4

This is Ida. She was an ad executive during the heyday of Mickey Drexler’s tenure at Gap and as a matter of fact came up with the lyrical commercials that graced our television screens in 1998. She retired to Crans, Switzerland in 2001 and fills her days with silk scarves now.

5

Here is Cindy! She went through an emo phase in the early aughts and bought a cat who she dutifully named “April,” who weathered the storm of her punk rock phase and still maintains her role as centerpiece in Cindy’s life. They moved to Paris in 2012 (the one in Texas).

6

Greta knew Cindy — she sold her the cat (April). She still resides in New York’s Gramercy where she lives with 16 felines and occupies a fair amount of her day performing facupuncture on her clientele of an impressive 8 people. (Facupuncture is like acupuncture, but instead of placing needles in peoples bodies, you place facts in their heads.)

7

Sanpietra von Gufftenshaefen changed her name from Ethel Baker the first time she wore a gown to the post office to deliver a small package and that is all you need to know about her.

8

Meanwhile, Abby over here is a fortune teller who got her start reading Susan Miller horoscope predictions at her 9-5 desk job at Intel. Now she spends most of her time sitting in a storefront on Bleecker Street wearing a sign that says, “I know everything there is to know about you.” She isn’t lying, which is how she is able to afford such expensive coats.

9

Dress code defier extraordinaire. Matilda over here lobbies against affairs with dedicated dress code requirements by exemplifying her nationalistic commitment to servicing her country’s army as lieutenant general without compromising dedication to comfort as a lifestyle, state of mind and luxury as evidenced by her slippers. Inside the handbag is a neck pillow.

10

Heiress to the patchwork fortune, Grace is the rebellious child of proper parents who use sixteen forks to consume a single meal and refer to their home as “the estate.” In her rebellion, she uses her hands to eat string beans and calls her duplex on Spring Street “a studio.” She does not eat snake.

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  • ReadER451

    I think Ida is my secret soul sister.

    • Louella Shumaker

      Chief Executive of Yahoo! – Marissa Meyer , is recommending people to start freelancing from home… Something that I have been doing for over 2 years now. My profit, for this year alone is $87.19k so far and all I needed was nothing more than my laptop and several hrs of free time each week at home working online job over internet company, despite that i have a full-time employment beside it. Great thing is that even newbies, can get $50/hr with no trouble and the earnings can go even higher over time… This is where i started.

      http://www.fulbright.co.nf

  • Quinn Halman

    I was trying to think about which backstory and look I would want to ~mix n match~ but, dang, these are all great

  • Amelia Diamond

    “Sanpietra von Gufftenshaefen changed her name from Ethel Baker the first time she wore agown to the post office to deliver a small package and that is all you need to know about her.” — you are so, so strange.

  • Catalina

    ALL of these descriptors remind me of Weekend Update’s City Correspondent, Stefon…

    • Ashley | Free Wills Studio

      Yes!

    • Leandra Medine

      thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

      • Catalina

        I think it maybe the highest compliment to bestow onto a human… or a human traffic cone… “It’s that thing…”

  • Stephanie

    It’s so awesome! So unique & amazing style

    http://www.stepfromsteph.blogspot.com

  • this is SO great for SO many reasons! YOU, mrs. man repeller have this amazing knack for always striking that perfect balance of funny, weird and intelligent. i think erica and i are living parallel lives… minus the $49, trade librarian for graphic designer and plates for jewelry. LOVE it!

  • Carmelo Johnson

    Gucci is good, but Prada is better..