The Thought Process of Writing an Instagram Caption
Forget writer’s block — this is worse.
Alright, this is a decent picture. I look like I have acupuncture needles in my back and I’m trying to balance on one foot as a result but you know, whatever, that’s me. So let me try that out as the caption: “Welcome to balancing acupuncture on one foo…” No, that doesn’t sound right. Trying too hard.
“Why does love always feel like a battlefield?” Jordin Sparks, for the thousandth time: Not now.
How am I going to communicate that there is more to me than just an outfit? Is there more to me than just an outfit? Of course there is: there’s the desire to quell my narcissism with a charmingly witty caption about why I’m posting this, which is, of course, much deeper than just the picture of the outfit itself. Oh! There it is.
“Is this witty? Am I charming?” You sound like an idiot.
“Graffiti mania!” What the fuck? When have you ever used the word “mania”?
I just need to focus. Review the facts. Let reality inspire me. Write what you know. Here’s what I know: I really like the outfit. I am impressed I put it together in 8 minutes flat this morning at 6:35 and stuffed it into a tote on my way to a workout class. If someone else posted this outfit, I’d feel pretty happy that they did it, primarily because they unwittingly moonlit as a stylist for me, building a good idea I could apply to my own wardrobe. So can’t this just be considered a service?
“PSA: It’s 50 degrees. The perfect temperature for winter white.” Yikes.
“Nantucket or fuck it.” Who am I, Amelia?
I should really stop being so shitty to her on Man Repeller, huh?
“Got my period so figured all white was the way to go.”
This one works. Only it would be LYING.
Credits? “Welcome to my Tibi sweater, Rochas blouse, Sonia Rykiel jeans, shoes by Céline.
Who are you? Migos?
“I got these Céline boots for $250 in Orange County!” You may as well know what separates you from an ad.
And right now, nothing. Except that you’re not getting paid.
“Say it loud, wear it proud, baby.” Why am I talking in cheap dictums? I sound like a newsletter for “millennial ladies” who “have no shame in their game” and who “lean in” to buzzwords with the conviction of an American president in an oil painting.
Is that a caption? Too long to type. I give up.
Oh! Actually! I know. This is the one. Yes, it will dazzle everyone with my very clear respect for the English language and perfect prose and deeply profound knowledge of the history of articulation. Yes, I’ve got it.
No one needs to know this took me half an hour.
No one needs to know this took any thought at all.
It’s between you and me, brain.
I should have just gone with “Got Acupuncture?”
Feature collage by Krista Anna Lewis