What Your Drink Order Says About You

Amelia Diamond | October 8, 2015

Being thirsty is not a bad thing here at MR; grab a straw and let’s soak up this personality test together.

Note: the following drinks pertain to a bar scenario. Who you are in regards to what drink you order at dinner is a whole other therapy session, though Louis at the front desk will be happy to set that up for you.


Ordering a vodka soda says you’re unfussy. If you order anything-soda water, really, you’re unfussy. (But you’re a Tito’s girl.) You’re also possibly watching calories while trying to get a bit of a buzz on, wine gives you headaches and you don’t want to be the bar’s version of Long Ass Order Girl at Starbucks.

It’s when the “splash-of” gets added in that you lose a bit of low key. Splash of cran, splash of pineapple — it’s understandable when the vodka tastes like gratuitous movie violence (well-drinks, man), but you, me and the YMCA lifeguard all know that splashes escalate quickly: fun at first, then tears. Man-Repeller-Drink-Order-Says-About-You-Alessandra-Olanow-scotch

You’re Ron Burgundy? Or, scotch drinker, you long ago learned the art of sipping alcohol as opposed to chugging it (and you think Anchorman almost ruined it.) This writer still thinks Scotch tastes like bandaids and has a long, embarrassing way to go.


Shotgun Gladyss, you’re beloved for your generosity (shots are a group activity!) but you’re quickly bemoaned when the crew declares itself unable to taste any more tequila. What about Fireball? Fine. The team will do a shot of Fireball — but just one!

It’s never just one.

Like a well-intentioned but reckless sailor, you’ve been known to kill the crew more than once. You keep going, especially because rarely does anyone ever actually blame you: it’s your party persona who did all the ordering. Everyone knows her nickname, and everyone should know better when she’s out on the town. Frickin’ Gladyss.


You weren’t going to drink tonight, and wine doesn’t really count as “drinking.”


One Piña Col-all-of-the-above-a, coming right up. And look at you! You’re having a night. You’re doing you. You’re a Mom on a Cruise being bad before 9 and you do not care who knows it. You’ve been known to: command the dance floor, the jukebox, call it a jukebox, steal maraschino cherries when the bartender isn’t looking and swear on your life that you’ll never have anything with sugar in it ever again once you wake up in the AM.


Ah, the margarita. A true crowd pleaser with one of two things to say. Either you order…

The classic: Frozen or mixed so long as there’s syrup and triple sec, you too are a little bit of a mom on a cruise — especially if ordered on weeknights with coworkers to celebrate the day ending with a big team W.


Tequila on rocks with lime: You’re just celebrating the day ending with a Y.


If it’s past 12 a.m. and you’ve just switched to beer, you’re drunk, about to ghost and are likely considering pizza. If you’re sober, you’re wing-manning.  If you’re genuinely in it for the cold one, you’re Spicoli.


Actually, all “beer” says about you is you’re not gluten-free.


However, a fancy beer order is the above rule’s sole exception. Your friends call you the beerded lady — not because of your facial hair curation but because of your tendency toward flannel, the general possibility of a monocle in your periphery and a deep, intense penchant for food trucks. Your friends marvel at your ability to distinguish hops from Bushwick and barley from this year’s “new Portland,” but you have a secret: you basically just ask the bartender, “What’s good?” Man-Repeller-Drink-Order-Says-About-You-Alessandra-Olanow-rum-and-coke

You panic-ordered.


Whiskey sours are for the sugar-high-tolerant who can stomach liquid gummy worms but not the taste of alcohol. I literally only know one person over the age of college who orders these and she copied her grandma, so feel free to holler at an all-of-the-above-except-this drinker in the comments.


You’ve got an old soul, a meeting, or you drink this in your grandpa’s honor. Either way, once you got used to the taste of camping in a glass you realized you just found the perfect date drink: classic, classy (points if you have a go-to gin brand), fresh breath-enabling, and it communicates the goal of unwinding without saying, “Hold my bag; I’m a going to blackout in a sec.”


If you order a Cosmo at a bar then you were underage when Sex & the City was your favorite show.


It’s about the glass, because you love a challenge. Literally no cup is more ill-designed for drinking nor better suited for spilling all over your blouse than the martini glass in which a Cosmo is served. It’s why martinis are clear in the first place. So, for the sake of your blouse alone, maybe ditch the pink drink; consider the martini.


And if you already have, well done, you’re an adult. Want a shot?

Now which one are you?

Illustrated by THE AMAZING Alessandra Olanow.


  • Everything you said about craft beer is 100% true…and wine definitely doesn’t count as drinking (according to my mom)

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  • Claudia

    Gin and tonic. Seagram’s please, not picky about the T part.

  • Sophie K.S.

    What about the favorite:

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahaha MOC

  • Eva Skewes

    I recently discovered that when it’s available, and when the bar shirks away in horror at “sour mix” (but is ambivalent on the use of “craft cocktails”), I always go for The Last Word. Chartreuse, gin, lime, and maraschino liqueur. It’s green, was born out of prohibition, and it is always satisfying.

    • I love The Last Words and Aviations

      • Eva Skewes

        oh gosh Aviations! My first one made me realize that gin was a thing I could really learn to love.

    • Bird

      How do you feel about Corpse Revivers (the gin version?) They were my gateway drug to enjoying both gin and absinthe.

      • Eva Skewes

        I’ve never had one, but I suspect I would like them. My main use of absinthe (so far) is in a sazerac. I have a mini bottle of St. George’s absinthe and it’s great for adding splashes or doing rinses.

        • Bird

          Trust, they are delicious. I’m making them for a Halloween party and I’ll have to keep those the tiny bottles in mind. Always forget about Sazeracs- they are SO good!

  • Emma Due Lind


    • Amelia Diamond


      • Emma Due Lind


    • jdock

      If you order a mojito in a bar that has more than 10 people in it, all of those people and the bartender hate you for ordering a drink that requires 5 minutes of muddling.

  • Aydan

    BUT I LIKE SCOTCH!!! Whiskey is better though….Also, vodka soda is the perf LATE night drink!

    • Diana

      You know Scotch is a whiskey right…

      • Aydan

        Yes ma’am! Was thinking of rye, as that’s my preference! 🙂

  • Deborah

    Goldschlager on ice. This is excellent because (1) it’s inherently festive and (2) it is sufficiently strange that it’s never/always an inappropriate order and (3) it lasts forever, so no matter how grimy the bar, it won’t be rancid. Also it tastes like cinnamon which is lovely in autumn.

    • Amelia Diamond

      what an order! what is goldschlager, technically? rum?

      • Deborah

        Schnapps. So basically flavored grain alcohol, I think? It’s similar to Jaegermeister. But with flecks of gold!!

        • Emily

          Basically though you have to be the person at the bar who’s chill with drinking damien hirst’s liquor

          • Deborah

            I was unaware!

    • Sarah

      You are the best type of person. I wanna know your opinions on everything else.

      • Deborah

        Wow, thank you. I am happy to expound. What would you like to know? For example, I know the best cookie in most major cities in North America, South America, and Europe.

  • Definitely a vodka tonic person! If it’s vodka and Red Bull, it’s because I’m tired but still wanted to go out. 😉

  • Quinn Halman

    You forgot the pre-gamer! She’s the one that is still testing out her limits by sandwiching shots of peach Absolut between sips of Sprite before going to a trendy club and talking up a guy in order to have him pay for another drink

    • emma

      aren’t you like 17?

      • Quinn Halman

        18, which is the legal age in Quebec and that’s where I live/attend university!

  • Camilla

    If it’s a place I could get away with a flannel, I order a beer, but if I’m trying to be a little classy I’ll stick with vodka soda. Unless I’m not drinking, then wine, obvs.

  • Allie Fasanella

    i don’t actually have a set particular drink order at this stage in my life. but i want to be someone that does. i want to be someone that knows what they wants. i’m usually a cranberry vodka girl but that’s been deemed hella basic. i think i want to be a martini girl, but are they good?


    usually, it’s more like a reservation for the bathroom floor around 2:36

    • Jamie Leland

      The dirtier they are, the better.

      • 808kate


      • Allie Fasanella

        you make me blush, jamie!

        • Jamie Leland

          olive juice 😉

    • Kelsey Moody

      be a cran vodka girl and own it! who cares, its your drink! greyhounds are pretty legit too (grapefruit vodka)

      • Allie Fasanella

        appreciate the reassurance diva. greyhounds sound nice though, i’ll def give that a try! i’ll tell the bartender that kelsey suggested it and wink.

        • gwalda

          order a cran vodka but call it a ‘cape cod’

    • R. Leonard

      I think we would be friends.

      Also, I saw a shoutout to greyhounds below, and have to agree. If real grapefruit isn’t available, grapefruit flavored vodka with tonic is nice.

      • Allie Fasanella


  • Jamie Leland

    I enjoy an old fashioned, preferably served by a small child.

    • Allie Fasanella

      completely valid choice

  • BK

    You need another category called Geographical Gladys/local industry loyalist. I’ll drink anything in any form if it comes from my beloved South Australia. At the moment it’s a swanky Kangaroo Island gin (ironically the island has minimal kangaroos, but is full of koalas to the point of infestation ¯_(ツ)_/¯ ), but I’ve been known to drink budget dad beer made in a brewery on the outskirts of town (Essentially Bruce Springsteen in beer form). I’m a dick, in other words. I also read the fine print on labels in the supermarket.

    • 808kate

      I need to go to this island of koalas!

      • BK

        It’s surprisingly 800% less fun a place than I’m making it sound

  • Kate

    so gin and tonic that i had g&t-tuesdays…which morphed into g&t-basically everyday

    • Jamie Leland

      I had a similar situation involving martinis. Then we ran out of olive juice and ended up experimenting. Pickletinis. Pepperoncinitinis. It was a glorious time.

  • Rosaly

    hahahhaha rum and coke is my panic drink when i do not want to order my usual corona. Spot on!

  • I’m an adult! :p

  • Erika
  • Amos.true

    I feel like Scotch is a grown up version of the “marshmallow test” and I always fail.

  • Stephanie

    I love to order classic beer when I hang out with my friends.


  • Bella

    Margarita, Mojito, Gin and Tonic. I am a grandpa on a cruise?
    I am a mom, though not prone to cruising, and any fun I have has to take place before midnight LOL!

  • Jenna

    A gin y tonica in my beloved Spain can mean two things depending on the time the cocktail is ordered and the garnishes added. Straight gin and tonic before 11pm and you intended to go straight to bed to be presentable for work the next day and definitely alone. Mixed with limes, add a cherry or a splash of sweetness (cava or gingerale) on top and ordered after midnight you are planning on sex or at least some hard core action.

    • doublecurl

      this is bizarre and confusing but I like it

  • Lua Jane

    Shotgun Gladyss that drinks wine whenever and wherever it’s possible and feisible.

  • muiringue

    My favourite is vermouth and bitter lemon, which makes me:

    • Amelia Diamond


    • Yvette

      i literally laughed out loud. Amazing hahahah!

  • Meg

    Local beer, micro-brewed or not. I think everyone from PA drinks Yuengling, at least in secret. Or gin and tonics. Both are super accurate.
    I’m also a sucker for cider too. Urban Orchard in Asheville has/had a pineapple lavender cider which is like one of my favorite drinks, plus my favorite fruit plus my love of consuming floral things.
    I’ll do a margarita (by the pitcher) if the setting is right. You know, Mexican food…warm weather…testing my current alcohol tolerance vs my college tolerance.
    I’ll also order pretty much anything with St. Germain — see above and my love of floral.

    • Bird

      We all drink Yuengling, that is fact (even if you don’t like beer!)

  • Stephanie

    This is perfection!!! I’m a combination of many, but usually beer. My panic order is Miller Lite, the inner college girl in me still gets out once in a while!

  • Whiskey Sour was my go to drink for years because my initial introduction to the drink was at hipster-y bars that probably strained the sour mix by hand. I eventually stopped ordering it because too many bars serve awful versions.

    Now I just order vodka on the rocks. It’s faster, cheaper, and people think you’re a badass.

    • Yvette

      Aw man I don’t know how many disgusting whiskey sours I choked down in my life! It’s like they either taste amazing at some bars or horrific!

  • Myra Esoteric

    I drink fuzzy fizzy water

  • Victoria

    I always take gin and tonic! Or cosmo bc I want to feel like carrie bradshaw so that was spot on! Sex and the City is/has been my fave and I’m under aged in the US! hahaha

  • kjxoxo

    Cider all night every night

  • Aubrey Green

    Scotch neat.
    Depending on the day/night, I do like a glass of wine and a gold beer though (not at the same time)

  • Gin and tonic with a slice of cucumber. Best.

    • K

      With Hendricks!

  • Most alcohols make me feel so horrible but I love tequila.

  • I work at a Speakeasy in Seattle. Here’s what I love to imbibe:
    For shooting post-meal: Fernet Branca
    For something with a straw: Campari on the rocks and soda with an orange twist.
    For sipping: equal parts mezcal and Ramazotti, mint sprig.
    For a shot that tastes like Christmas: Becherovka.

    Yay booze!

  • Elizabeth Tamkin

    I do le Vodka Soda or Whiskey soda. But fuzzy I am — always ask for extra lime 😉

  • erin

    mezcal. give me mezcal.

  • pm.

    Room temp tap water, no ice. Just like James Bond.

  • lilyelle

    I will drink anything that includes: grapefruit (juice or flavored liquor), campari/aperol/basically any bitter aperitif, ginger, or absinthe. My go-to panic drink is either gin & grapefruit or bourbon & ginger <3 <3 <3 I'm not sure what this makes me, but I'm owning it whatever it is.

  • Jessica H

    PLEASE DO what your work lunch says about you

  • Laura Cooke

    One point of contention: you refer to the crap collegiate type of whiskey sour, but the real ones (sometimes made with egg whites) mostly just taste like straight whiskey but smooth and velvety. These don’t taste anything like the candy-ish ones and are actually quite lovely.

  • Victoria

    Manhattan. Definitely a Manhattan with rye whisky. Surprised it didn’t make to the list. Such an elegant drink. Number 2 for me would be scotch.

  • Carmelo Johnson

    Scotch or rum + coke = that’s the choice of real guys!

    Also check out BathMate page to support me, will apreciate it

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    Dear Amelia Diamond!

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  • PCE

    This article is hilarious – I’m being sincere, not sarcastic at all. I actually, real-life LOL’d at the rum and Coke one…so true. And you’re right… It’s never just one more shot.

  • Hannah Finnigan-Walsh

    Spot on about the cosmo…

  • Liquid gummy worms all day err day