On
from
pinterest
The Sex and the City Diet, Round 3: Samantha Jones

More pantsuits than Miranda, more cleavage, less sex

10.23.15
MR Diets
MR Diets
amelia-diamond-man-repeller-samantha-jones-diet

Cock.

I’m so glad we got that over with, because Samantha Jones, my alter-ego of the week and I, did not see eye-to-eye on that four letter word. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything, actually, but you would think that cursing would be an easy task.

“Cock” isn’t really a curse word, though. It’s a verbal glop of mud that somehow found itself as the mascot for big dicks worldwide and cliché pornographic rhetoric. I find the word “cock” in no way offensive, though similar to “cunt” (and what a visual I’m about to paint), I choke on it mainly for its clunky and useless nature as a noun. Sam loves the word, though. She says it a lot.

The word “fuck,” which I have zero problem with despite its equally clipped syllabic nature and the same “ck” cluster as my first gripe, is better by virtue alone because it’s more successful. (Sam says “fuck” less but I say it a lot.) As both a verb and a noun, fuck not only does more, but says more: One can be fucking, or one can be a total fuck. One can get fucked (literally, figuratively). One can also miss their stop on the subway train, screw themselves over (that’s a fuck), then communicate their frustration with the heroic expletive and shout out loud you-know-what.

Meanwhile, a cock is just a cock.

…Unless it’s a rooster, which we don’t have in New York City. (If you’re about to counter with Carrie Bradshaw’s fowl alarm clock in season 3, episode 18, note that Carrie likely lied for the sake of drawing narrative parallels.) Still, it means that during my electively-celibate week as Samantha Jones, Public Relations Extraordinaire, I had exactly zero uses for cock: word, rooster, appendage. This fell in line rather neatly with all of the other various ways I failed on the Samantha Jones Diet.

But first, let’s start with the highs:

1) I took an abundance of selfies that did not involve double chins. It’s not the same thing as commissioning nude photographs of myself, but you know, close enough.

sex-and-the-city-man-repeller-amelia-diamond-diet-samantha-jones

2) I dressed up in less clothes. This is about as naked as a girl can get in October, but I still got down with a cold shoulder. There is something extremely empowering about dressing like the sexiest version of yourselffor yourself. It’s self love of the none vibrating variety.

3) I analyzed zero text conversations with men. What’s the point.

4) Though I do not know a Smith Jerrod, I assure you I know a wide variety of men with surnames for first monikers. This isn’t so much a high as it is the only thing I have in common with Samantha besides not having a child and enjoying alcohol.

5) The Samantha Jones Power Suit and a published cock-count of six. Seven if you include this one: cocktail.

amelia-diamond-sex-and-the-city-diet-samantha-jones

And now, the lows:

1) Getting anything done in a pencil skirt is impossible.

2) I am not equipped for the life of a publicist. I tried it twice in my early career and never got the hang of a headset.

3) I did not flirt with a priest.

4) I did not fly in a private jet.

5) I did not wear a pearl thong.

6) I did not wear fake nipples.

7) I did not hit on our UPS delivery man.

8) I tried to flirt once but fell asleep instead.

9) All male interactions were platonic. (You say draught, I remind you: diet.)

10) I work at a website called MAN REPELLER.

Collage by Krista Anna Lewis

hyperlink-gif-samantha-diet

Get more Humor ?
  • oh my god.

    • Do you want to know something really interesting that is worth paying your attention right now,a fabulous online opportunity to work for those people who want to use their free time so that they can make some extra money using their computers… I have been working on this for last two and half years and I am making 60-90 dollar/ hour … In the past week I have earned 13,70 dollars for almost 20 hours sitting ….

      Degree ,Specific qualification or skills is not necessary for this, just keyboard typing and a good working and reliable internet connection ….

      Boundations or time limitations to start work is not required … You may do this work at any time when you willing to do it ….

      Do you want to know how I have been doing this?…..….see this {Iink} on my !|profile|!` to know how I am working` on this`

      csde

    • Valerie Day

      It is the nicest way to earn more and more money at home.$40h – $90h…how? part time or full time,I’ve been bringing in $82h… It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it out.

      http://www.destinyrescue.cf
      jk

    • If you have some free time and you wanna do something productive with it than you must read that. Everyone needs money but is there any safe and authentic way to do it online. There are some credible sources but they require huge effort but little output … I also struggled for almost 2 years to find something that I can do than this came into my knowledge … I am doing this online work for two years .. In start it was slow but with little time I settled in this..It is the nicest way to earn more and more money at home.$40h – $90h…how? part time or full time,I’ve been bringing in $82h… It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it out.

      For web address visit my ƿROḞILĒ or copy the Name
      a1as

  • Allie Fasanella

    idk if i’ve ever loved u more

  • Lauren

    This was great. And I agree – pencil skirts are useless for anything but standing still for pictures.

    • Amelia Diamond

      srsly.

  • Melanie

    This post made me smile my devious smile bigger than ever before! <3

  • meme

    Amelia, I just love your writing and I gotta say, you look hotter than Samantha.

    • Amelia Diamond

      do youu want to date me?

  • This one has to be my favorite so far! Thank you for taking one for the team!

  • Nina

    your first two dresses! where are those lovelies from?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Left: American Apparel! Right: it’s this old T by Wang dress but I pulled the shoulders down and stretched the original neck out.

      • Nina

        thanks- you look fabuluxe in both xx

  • Alarive

    How do you figure that the chickens on the roof (roosters. Roosters crow.) storyline was a lie? Did I miss a clue?

  • Masha

    you’re hilarious… made my morning better

  • Zyanya Cruz

    lofuckingl AD

  • I LOVE the pantsuit outfit. Going to definitely copy that.

  • Dressing like the sexiest version of yourself only for your own sake is what we’re all entitled to. Preach! That really was good. I’m just amazed you didn’t have any banter with a preppy stuck-up friend which Samantha usually gets into with Charlotte, but not only.

  • hamaricity


    classified freeads

    Hamaricity hamari
    city classified free ads buy and sell
    free advertisements your business company product website Buying and selling your item used and new
    product find jobs post free your jobs and find jobs more Education Classes

    Hamaricity

  • hamaricity

    citys classified free ads buy and sell
    free advertisements your business company product website Buying and selling your item used and new
    product find jobs post free your jobs and find jobs more Education Classes

    Hamaricity

  • Victoria

    you look AMAZING! i love how those outfits suit you and your hair is out of this world

    • Victoria

      also A+ article

    • Amelia Diamond

      Thank you so much Victoria/Mindy Kaling!

  • paulina herrera

    “i analyzed zero text conversations with men. What’s the point” that is soooo samantha! loved this.

  • Lua Jane

    You may have failed at Samantha Jones diet, but you managed to look great in the process, which counts. That hair girl! I totally agree that the word cock is absolutelly useless in the grand linguistic scheme of things.

  • Marilia Piza

    Not easy being Samantha Jones!