Welcome to anti-anxiety month on Man Repeller. September is a weird 30-day stretch. Yes, sure, the end of summer stings worse than any sunburn that’s crisped your nips, but that is primarily because all the anxiety you feel comfortable relegating to the backburner during the blur that is June through August bubbles back up to the surface faster that you can ask these existential questions: What is sand? What is ocean? You begin back-stalking your own Instagram in an effort marked by vanity to recreate the past. But like going through pictures of you and your ex boy band after a breakup, this only makes matters worse.
And frankly speaking, you don’t have to suffer. You will get through this time period. For proof, look no further than the following reasonings: 1) You have done it for as many years as you’ve been alive and you’re always eventually fine. 2) We will do it together. 3) The below guide will serve as a starting point that unites us like additional members of the Wu-Tang Clan. And finally, anxiety — or the absence of it — is nothing more, nothing less than a state of mind of which you maintain complete and utter control. So kick that a-hole to the curb and consider the following, would you?
1. Keep wearing your swimsuits as bodysuits, bras, sheer-skirt underpinnings, etc.
2. Wear goggles as sunglasses.
3. Keep your sandals on your feet until your toenails are literally so cold they start to chip away at themselves.
4. Then at that point, extend again by adding socks. Bonus: sandals are on sale. Added bonus: socks tend to be cheap.
5. Do not — and this one is important — do not stop drinking rosé wine.
6. Do also consider the importance of maintaining an appetite for Mexican food (fish tacos!) and frozen margaritas. Drink enough and you’ll practically forget you’re not sitting on a deck overlooking the ocean in a calm, serene state.
7. Remember that people go running naked in San Francisco, so you can do that too.
8. But don’t forget — for a single moment — that fall dressing absolutely RULES. Think about the sweater possibilities! The layers! The outfits that don’t require big ass coats to destroy the creative vision!
9. Plan activities for as many weekends as possible into October so that you continually have things to look forward to, which staves off that feeling of Nothing Fun Will Ever Happen Again.
10. Don’t even ask your friends about the above. Just make plans, grab strangers to join.
11. Ask Stacy London to join.
12. Say cowabunga, like, 2x daily.
13. Pretend Labor Day is the New New New Year (sorry Memorial Day)
14. Guys, blazers!!!!!!!!
15. Do not stop drinking iced coffee. Do not stop for as long as your teeth and hands can handle, and they can definitely handle through November, at least.
16. That said, begin celebrating the return of Pumpkin Spiced Season.*
*Addendum: Petition for National Pumpkin Spiced Season to be added to the official calendar of Random Ass Holidays
17. DIY your own beach and invite people over to your private island.
18. Remember that beach bags are excellent for carrying fall produce.
19. Go to Ikea for back to school shopping, then annoy your friend Donna, like this guy.
20. Or, pull a Justin Bieber and let it out. Crying is cathartic, and the salty tears will make you feel like you’re near the ocean. Or like you are an ocean.
Until next year, sweet summer. Next up? Fashion week!