What Your Breakfast Says About You

Amelia Diamond | August 26, 2015

If you didn’t know it was talking, get your ear down to it like a bowl of Rice Krispies and start listening.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-feature-breakfasts-are-you

Boozing before noon?  See what your drink order says about you.  Then see what your pony tail says, too. Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-green-juicer It’s possible that you love nothing more than an iced cold glass of freshly mowed lawn in the morning — bovines and equines have championed this method for centuries. However, it is also possible that if consumed first thing on a Monday, you are repenting for your weekend sins. Forgive me for that Fireball shot, for that 3 a.m. pepperoni pizza, for that 3:04 a.m. bonus slice of plain cheese…

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-john-stamos-yogurt You’re a doer, and the day doesn’t do until you’ve had your Greek yogurt, though it’s unclear (even to you) if you like the taste or have simply been manipulated by good marketing. Rarely is being a John Stamos not a phase, however: few can sustain a full six months of back-to-back yogurt breakfasts. There’s a limit.

Oatmeal’s your alternative once the thought of tart dairy makes you barf-y.

Ah, the brave Yoga Bowler. Like a downward dog into lotus frog, your daily açai bowl appears effortless, but has been known to send others to the hospital upon improper execution. (Let us not forget that the chia seed yin beside that blended Pitaya yang may cause a tree to grow in your Brooklyn belly.) You follow Kayla Itsines on Instagram not for her workouts but for the frozen-bowl-inspo she posts, although your teeth have developed abs to protect themselves against the enamel shock that comes with every chilled bite.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-smoothie-sister An understated morning bird, The Smoothie Sister is of the more tolerable early risers when it comes to She Who Makes Her Breakfast versus Grumpy Rushers. The latter group will empathize with your smoothie, assuming it means you, too, are “on the go.” It appears unfussy — you just threw a bunch of crap in a blender, pressed a button and hoped for the best, right? But it hints at aspirational adulthood: you visit grocery stores with mild to moderate frequency, whereas the rest of us are hoping our roommate the Green Juicer left a slice of Saturday’s cold pizza in the fridge.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-college-kid-pizza Speaking of cold ‘za…

You wake up starving and know that eating something is more responsible than not, but you’re a consumer — not a planner, and you’re late — so if there’s something you can grab with one hand while the other searches for the same phone that you’re already on (nice shoulder/ear move there, Wolf of Call Street), you’ll eat it. If it requires a toaster, unspoiled milk or one less hit on the snooze button, however, The College Kid would rather go hungry.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-new-yorker-coffee The New Yorker isn’t really a breakfast person. You’re not really a people person either, but the large black coffee makes the morning commute a little bit easier. Bonus points for the digestion regulation, too.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-peter-pan-fruit-loops Peter Pans believe that breakfast, like “age,” is just one more societal construct intended to let the man win and keep you down.

JK. Cereal rules. You’re just finally old enough to eat a bowl of marshmallows without your mom telling you what to do.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-boardroom-snacker-boardroom-snacker The Boardroom Snacker forgets about breakfast until A) someone has a birthday, and you remember you love doughnuts, B) your boss is in a good mood and surprises everyone with bagels, C) there is an unattended muffin in the break room, no one is looking, and you’ve got two minutes to kill.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-fully-monty-eggs If breakfast is the meal of kings, then you are sunny-side up royalty. Like any good Windsor, of course, The Full Monty keeps it low key on the weekday. Monday through Friday your true identity is hidden behind the civilian crumble of a granola bar. Come Saturday morning, you put your crown-n-cape on: two eggs, sausage, hash browns (vote below: crispy or squishy?), toast and OJ. Oh, and a Bloody Mary. And an iced latte. Something sweet, too. This doesn’t count your friend’s waffle, which you convinced her to order so that you can have a bite or half.

As for what this says about you? You’re hungover. Hello.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-breakfast-sammy Bacon egg and cheese on a roll (no commas, you’re in a hurry): the breakfast sandwich is the hangover cure alternative for those days you’re already five minutes late to work. Pro tip: Do not attempt to order this from a kosher bagel shop. This Breakfast Sammy writer learned that one the hard way.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-bagel-and-cream-cheese The Corner Store‘s go-to: toasted bagel and schmear. It’s fast, delicious and most importantly, cheap; breakfast should never cost more than your metro card. You’re an unapologetic creature of habit whose favorite condiment (besides cream cheese) is gluten, and though you’d never say it out loud, you secretly relish in the fact that you liked bagels before they were in fashion.

Man-Repeller-What-Kind-of-Breakfast-Are-You-Illustrations-alessandra-olanow-rebel-hamburger The Rebel eats breakfast, alright, but you’re punk rock about it. Tuna sandwich? Classic. Burrito? I dare you. Last night’s pasta? Anarchy in the USA. Nothing’s off limits because you DGAF and laugh in the face of culinary convention. But you still need coffee with that burger and fries; this is breakfast after all — you’re not insane.

Illustrations by Alessandra Olanow. Follow her on Instagram!!! @aolanow!!!

coffee

  • Hannah Finnigan-Walsh

    Wish I was/ could be a College Kid but I’m John Stamos through and through

    • Amelia Diamond

      I’m going through a John Stamos phase again right now (Full Monty or Breakfast Sammy religiously on weekends though), just recently re-started the greek thing for the first time in months Let’s see how long it lasts.

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      • Hannah Finnigan-Walsh

        Wow. What a deal…

  • Joana Villalobos

    Sad to say that I’m a New Yorker, though I would love to be a Yoga Bowler! Too bad I’m a Grumpy Rusher!!

  • Jill Futter

    Black coffee/The New Yorker is me, and it’s so spot on.

  • myszki

    The Full Monty. How did you know.

  • Lua Jane

    I’m a New Yorker, without ever having set my foot in the actual city of NY. I have coffee at home, and then one on the go, and no food is consumed (other then a cube or two of chocolate) until 11am, when I have a lunch.

    • http://www.fashionandfrappes.com/ Fashion and Frappes

      Haha! same here!

  • http://insertwth.com/ Denisse

    I feel extremely guilty about being the smoothie sister. Mainly because my mother is the one that makes the smoothie for me 🙁 ultimately I’d just be a New Yorker or corner store kind of girl.

  • http://coffeeandwholemealbread.tumblr.com/ Tra

    who would I be if I make toast and coffee for myself every morning?

    • Amelia Diamond

      The British (Toast) New Yorker (coffee)

  • Stephanie

    geez- I’m like 5 different ones depending on weekday v. weekend and what type of groceries I have at home! The only ones I’m definitely not are the 100% liquid ones (juice, smoothie, coffee)- I need food!

  • dustUP

    I practice Dutch breakfast : piece of brown bread with some cheese on it, eaten standing while making coffee.

    • Amelia Diamond

      you guys are making me so hungry

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    So if I don’t do breakfast … it says nothing about me? *here’s to hoping* 🙂

    • Amelia Diamond

      it says… you are very hungry by lunch!

      • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

        True. .-)

        • Lua Jane

          I don’t know about you, but opening Pinterest with all the photos of gorgeous and artfully crafted food around lunch time is dangerous activity.

  • Michel Andrade

    That’s a great article! Thanks for sharing this! =)

  • Michel Andrade

    That’s a great article! Thanks for sharing this! =)

    http://roupasdeatacado.com/

  • Andrea Raymer

    I aspire to be a yoga bowler, but lets be real, I’m Peter Pan. This morning I ate frosted mini wheats. Really the transition shouldn’t be that difficult, both are eaten out of a bowl with spoon.

    • Amelia Diamond

      i want frosted mini wheats SO HARD RIGHT now

  • http://www.9outoften.com/ WengYee

    I love this series! Can we please have an ‘what your nails’ and ‘type of jeans/trousers’ say about you?

    • Amelia Diamond

      oh nails! i love that idea. we KIND OF did jeans ( http://www.manrepeller.com/2015/03/what-your-jeans-say-about-you.html ) but you want it more in this format? LMK and i will DO IT.

      • http://www.9outoften.com/ WengYee

        Can’t wait!

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  • http://ujjainilahiry.blogspot.com/ Ujjaini

    I think I have them all of different days, depending on whats in the fridge! Cant figure my type 🙁

    http://imyownmuse.blogspot.com

  • dp

    Opportunity for Pulp Fiction reference – “the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast” was wide open. And completely missed.

  • Cecilia Wini

    The Boardroom Snacker. I usually don’t eat breakfast. And if I do, it’s always black tea and a slice of toast with jam. I’m super boring.

  • http://www.nouvellegamine.com/ Jordan Wester

    oh god- I’m a John Stamos. Since I had my second child my digestion has been horrible. It’s Activia yogurt every fricken morning.
    I used to be a “chicken in the basket” eggs and toast every morning. But that’s a fond memory now.

    • http://www.onsecondavenue.com/ On Second Avenue

      I’ve been drinking plain faye yogurt mixed with cranberry juice. Not necessarily delicious, but not bad at all. It’s helped a lot of my stomach issues

      • http://www.nouvellegamine.com/ Jordan Wester

        that’s a good idea. Thanks!

  • http://www.onsecondavenue.com/ On Second Avenue

    Ironically I started eating large breakfasts when I moved to NYC 8 years ago. It’s the only time of day I will devour a large plate of food. Love a breakfast sandwich or yogurt drink, but that is not enough for me.

    One of my favorite things to do is to slice up a potato, add some dried herbs and garlic powder, and cook in a covered frying pan with 2 tablespoons of water and butter. I keep the flame at a heat where the potatoes won’t burn, and I can walk away from the stove because you can’t really overcook potatoes.
    Score a pre-cooked sausage and crisp it up with the potatoes when you can stick a fork in them. Cook an egg in the leftover fat. Voila. Fairly quick breakfast in one pan.

  • http://l-jones.com Lisa Jones

    Stamos(o?). Oatmeal day in and day out. But it’s only as good as its toppings, not unlike Yoga Bowler.

  • ValiantlyVarnished

    I eat something different practically every day so what does that say about me? I mean, besides my being a Gemini. I will say that today I was a New Yorker. And yesterday I was a New Yorker and the day before that I was Peter Pan. Yeah – it just means I’m a Gemini lol!

  • http://www.theoliveeye.com Mia Lardiere

    I’ve fallen into a Google Images ‘John Stamos yogurt’ rabbit hole and I hope that I never return.

    • Donner

      Why is the quinoa with beans and land or sea veggies not included? You know, the hot cereal person?

  • mollie blackwood

    I’ve been a solid John Stamos for 6 years and counting. Except for the weekend I’m Full Monty. I save the yogurt cups to use as water/paint cups in my art classroom. It amazes the kids that I’ve eaten that much yogurt. It kind of amazes me too but it’s so dang portable and easy.

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    *goes to the store and buys 6 boxes of frosted flakes*

  • http://www.MarinaSays.com Marina Laduda

    Bahahaha!! Although I don’t agree with what the full monty says about me, I think these descriptions are priceless 🙂 Great piece of work here!

    http://www.MARINASAYS.com

  • Sujie Kim

    I am literally all of these. I will eat whatever is most convenient and available. Sometimes that just happens to be the yoga bowl shop across the street.

  • Camilla

    Shit I had never actually considered whether I like Greek yoghurt, I just assumed I did.. But now I don’t know. Probably coming up to six month mark of my latest John Stamos phase anyway, perhaps it’s time my taste buds be honest about their feelings.

  • http://thecornerapartmentblog.com/ Elizabeth @ TheCornerApartment

    What does it say about me that I don’t eat breakfast? I want to be a breakfast/morning person. I do. It’s just….

  • http://www.dreaminlace.com/ DreamInLace

    I’m a greek yogurt person- and yes, I bore myself every single morning. Sometimes I live really dangerously and sprinkle in some Kashi Go Lean Crunch. Living WILD!

  • robynsanasa

    Cappuccino and a banana here, in bed. Taking it easy

  • Julie Sorel

    Where are my fresh baguette and salted butter ? As I had long suspected, I think Team MR is not much into all things French 😉 Just kidding, thanks for the article, love the format !

  • Annie

    what does a german breakfast say about me? I prefer the bread as dark as possible (full wheat), some Gouda cheese with tomatoes, a boiled egg, a big can of coffee

    … and a lot of time!

  • Luarnaiz

    Full monty minus the OJ everyday of the week. And my job starts at 7 am. Breakfast is really important for me.

  • http://www.carobcherub.com/ Sara Binde

    John Stamos= Michael Weston from Burn Notice. Clearly.

  • http://sassydove.com/ Sassy Dove

    I couldn’t love this more. I’m a Full Monty. Extra spicy on the Bloody, please – and add a mimosa.

    – Cailin at http://SassyDove.com

  • kevynryan

    hot lemon water, then gluten free granola bar with whole milk, then a venti latte. …then the bathroom.

  • Vienna

    Us Long Islanders refer to it as an “Egg Sanny” as in Sandwich. It’s an integral part of growing up on Long Island <3.

  • http://www.fashionandfrappes.com/ Fashion and Frappes

    I am a New Yorker? Somehow that doesn’t sound like a compliment here (although I am not sure how it could be anything but..)

    http://www.fashionandfrappes.com

  • soniadelvalle

    I feel like a New Yorker/Full Monty. Extreme is the word. THERE IS NO TRY!

  • http://www.malindaknowles.net/ Malinda Frances Knowles

    this is funny. lol.
    mali
    http://www.malindaknowles.net

  • tunie

    Poster child for Smoothie Sister. Daily, for, maybe 7 years running? If I miss than I rely on green tea to carry me through to lunch, but it really throws my whole day off, so I try not to miss.

  • http://peopleofwalmart.com spiderlashes

    where are the poptarts?? best consumed on the ride to school of course.

  • http://emileetran.com/ Emilee Tran

    I like mixing them up. One day cereal, the other day fruits or eggs on toast. Otherwise I’ll get bored lol

  • Charlotte

    What about avocado? 😀 Love to start my day with this tasty power fruit!

    X Charlotte from Come as Carrot

  • rdrdrdop1

    A whole banana and many specific YoPlait yogurt flavors I like are all I need. I have a very big appetite and that keeps me full until afternoon amazingly.

  • http://www.onlinediamondbuyingadvice.com/ ODBA

    I’m a total New Yorker 😉

    Liz @ http://www.onlinediamondbuyingadvice.com/

  • Karel Paragh

    Nice article. Thank you!

  • Sati Marie Frost

    John Stamos or Smoothie Sister (depending on weather) when I’m on a work week. The Rebel when I’m on a not-work week.

    My work self – which carries through to home when I’m working Mon-Fri – gets up at 5.45, runs (okay, walks with bursts of running) for an hour, eats three healthy meals a day, files her paperwork once a week, does her laundry twice a week, never pays a bill late or misses a birthday, changes her sheets Wednesday and Saturday, and is on first-name terms with her dry cleaner, seamstress, and cobbler.

    My not-working-this-week self plays Spyro the Dragon and Mario until 7am, sleeps till 4pm, lives on mozzarella sticks and pizza and onion rings, has laundry overflowing the bin, and still hasn’t changed the cat’s litter tray for the week even though it’s 4.21pm.

    Sometimes I swear I have dissociative identity disorder.

  • Marta

    I’m missing toasted bread and butter, or toasted bread with mashed tomato and olive oil. Yummy!

  • MadeiraDarling

    What’s toast with butter and jam?

  • musiclover

    I’m the Green Juicer, but I identify more with New Yorker. I’m trying to ween myself off my coffee addiction with green tea and juicing, which “supposedly” gives you energy lol

  • Amanda

    Baguette w/salted butter and a cup of coffee w/frothed cream…..total Francophile😁

  • everything

    Until I was about 40, it was toast an O.J. and I’d make potato, bacon or sausage, eggs, w/toast for the weekend, for the girlfriend. Now, my favorite breakfast is a little bit of almond bread, 1 or 2 farm fresh eggs over easy cooked in coconut oil, and steamed spinach. I’m going to switch to buckwheat/coconut bread next, or I don’t know, the lady who wrote the loving diet says to cut eggs and nuts, not sure what I’ll be eating, kinda sick of meat, I have access to EMU for the same price as the other organic meats I go for so hopefully I like it.

  • http://soiwokeuplikethis.blogspot.com/ Ali T

    Oh no, my life is a mess, I fall into neither of these categories! LOL I am a coffee+yoghurt+pomegranate+banana breakfast eater, and only on a rare occasion an omlette and coffe

  • http://www.ellenmgregg.com Ellen M. Gregg

    Where’s the oatmeal with mashed banana, plenty of cinnamon, a tablespoon of peanut butter and a smidge of molasses?

  • http://cityhabit.wordpress.com Modupe Oloruntoba

    Is it bad if I am/have been pretty much every one of these?