Nothing brings me closer to a shot at jail time than my reaction to unsolicited advice regarding how to “play up” or “tone down” my hefty bust. (Who went and made you the boob police, drugstore magazine?) That said, after a decade of personal trial and error, I’ve almost mastered the art of dressing my 30E — yes, E — chest.
While I work on removing the “almost,” I feel it’s my duty to help those still struggling (who would like to avoid jail time, too). So without further ado, I present my tips and tricks to styling big boobs.
Chances are your back is sore by the end of the day due to the monumental weight of your pecs. Though counterintuitive, ditching your bra once a week helps. To dress commando boobs, opt for loose, off the shoulder garments.
Warning: going braless increases the likelihood of displaying breast sweat and nipilitis. Consider this a prime opportunity to remind all nipple-fearing humans that laser-sharp areolas are good, not evil. As for the sweat, dust your skin with a preemptive cloud of baby powder.
Sports bras produce a flattening affect perfect for squeezing into the kind of garment that fits everywhere save for the the prominent region between your chin and Kyle XY’s belly button. Keep in mind that if it’s too small, your boobs might crawl up to your neck and choke you.
Tip 3 ½
Being big-breasted and prone to laziness is a paradox I have yet to transcend. The thought of trekking it to the tailor gives me goose bumps, but the quick fix of a button or zipper is worth it. Befriend a seamstress now.
Aside from the occasional mishap at airport security, an underwire lace bra will end up being a wiser investment than a padded one. Lace is more flexible and wire will hold you in without birthing what I like to call The Rosemary’s Baby of Undergarments: the four-boob.
PSA: the feeling of being sentenced to mild death by a corset is indicative of good fit. That’s code for the tighter, the longer lasting.
Break the rule that tells our kind to exclusively wear form-fitting clothing. It’s shortsighted; there are plenty of other options that will flatter our shape. And not to over-estimate my influence on earth, but the world would be a far scarier place if I only wore tight-ass dresses. Playing with proportions is fair game for everyone, not just linear folk.
Bra in feature image by Fortnight
Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis