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The Dream Job(s)

Because no proper millennial can focus on one thing at a time

07.18.15
diving-into-gift-wrapping-man-repeller

My dream job is double-pronged: professional gift-wrapper and Olympic diver.

Merging these two professions into one career path would be genius. Gift-wrapping is a calming, cerebral activity that’s far less physically strenuous than tumbling off a ten-foot platform. Diving, on the other hand, demands rigorous training and an affinity for swimsuit wedgies.

My time spent on dry land covered in tape and bows would provide me with ample opportunity to stretch and condition. I’d lunge forward to cut cellophane whilst holding my finger in the center of a bow, inevitably finding myself in the Warrior II yoga pose. Flexibility is key as a diver, but perhaps even more vital for the lone gift-wrapper, who cannot remove her hand from a square of precisely placed tissue paper but must reach beyond her arm span for her ribbon-curler.

My career choice may seem impractical but it’s actually rather pragmatic. Gift-wrapping is an underrated talent that never ceases to be in demand – birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduations, Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentine’s Day, weddings, baby showers…the list doesn’t end. Diving, however, can only be done for a handful of years while an athlete maintains peak fitness levels.

By selecting this double-barreled career path, I’d be removing immense pressure from myself later in life when I face retirement as an Olympic Gold Medalist. I’ll have a gift-wrapping business to fall back into, and won’t have to scrounge for cash once my bank account is filled with cereal-endorsement checks. Unlike professional athletes who are forced to get their real estate licenses when their NHL contracts expire, there will be no brokerage law exams for me. I’ll be swimming in my gift-wrapping commissions as soon as I emerge from that 5-meter-deep pool.

Diving and gift-wrapping may seem far-removed from one another, but these occupations are inextricably linked by the pedantic personality each profession necessitates. Just as a diver strives to nail that double twist, tuck, triple flip into the blue waters below, an astute gift-wrapper does not rest until all corners are tucked, all bows are symmetrically tied, all quadrilateral packages are adorned by crisp, right-corner edges and all papers match seamlessly with complementary card envelopes. Indeed, the perfectionism required to make a great Olympic diver is the same commitment to excellence that anoints an expert gift-wrapper.

So you see, this career path is far more practical than it is whimsical.

If only I knew how to swim.

worst-advice

Get more Humor ?
  • Does the Man Repeller team really need to know how to swim ? 😀 Job interviews with Leandra must be quite funny!

    http://sugarsheet.com
    http://aliasolivia.com

    • hahaha Can you imagine a job interview?! lol

  • Lua Jane

    My dream job would probably be a vegan TV chef.

  • Emily!! This is so genius. You are Martha Stewart and Michael Phelps all at once without the tax evasion and whatever it is that we’re scolding Michael Phelps for ATM.

  • HAHAHAHA BRILLIANT. I love you guys.

    http://www.flightofspice.com

  • Sam

    Brilliant. So Brilliant.

    etsy.com/shop/OTRVintageClothing

  • Hannah

    I told people as a four-year-old that I’d become a dancing dentist – fixing smiles to more effectively cover the costs of my ballet studio. Because, like most kindergarteners, I was pragmatic to a fault.

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