In the left corner we have Avocado Toast, standing 5 inches tall, one inch thick, weighing in just under half a pound. AT sweats olive oil (with just a touch of lemon!) and eats chili flakes for breakfast. That’s her trainer, Uppity Waiter Who’s Actually a DJ/Model, pumping her up with remixed Blood Orange songs.
In the right corner we have Rosé, clocking in at 750ml (26 ounces of pure hangover). The pink wine is known for tricking opponents with her slow start and sweet demeanor, but she’s got a height advantage on Soho’s favorite carb and can make a 300 pound cage fighter blackout after a full bottle.
Round 1: Seniority & Insta Visibility
According to Wikipedia, rosé has been around since Ancient Greeks were getting drinks after work with cherubs and water was being turned into wine.
Avocados, on the other hand — despite the fruit’s equally ancient origins — weren’t introduced to California (and therefore America) until the 19th century when Mexico was like, “WTF is wrong with you guys? Who doesn’t like avocado?”
Avocado Toast has had an Instagram presence longer than The Fat Jewish. It’s rumored that Instagram founder Kevin Systrom created the app after visiting Manhattan’s Cafe Gitane (arguably the OG of AT) and saw people photographing their strange yet delicious green-smeared toast.
Winner, Round 1: Avocado Toast
Round 2: Lifestyle
Remember when being healthy suddenly became cool? Avocado Toast speaks to that Soul Cycling, barre-squatting, health-wave crowd who judge mate-compatibility by what he or she wears to the gym instead of astrological signs.
Here’s the thing: it’s a little “two years ago.”
Rosé, on the other hand, is a socially acceptable way to drink before noon. It feels European as opposed to alcoholic; indulgent but not gluttonous. If you’re drinking rosé, you are either: on vacation, mid-weekend, or playing hooky. It appeals to the hedonistic trend that’s emerging in retaliation to the aforementioned mindset of healthfully holier than though.
Winner, Round 2: Rosé
Round 3: Taste
Not that it’s even about that, but tie.
Round 4: Douchebaggery, Scale of 1 to 10
An AT Instagram is only as good as its restaurant tag. In the year 2015, you not only are what you eat, you are where you eat. The exception is a Pinterest-worthy DIY — a humblebrag in its most earnest form. Douchebag level: 7
Rosé-grams, on the other hand, depend less upon brand names (you’ll note that very often it’s just a filled-up glass and no labels) and more upon the locational geotag. Because said tags vary from the humorous (#bathwater) to the obnoxious (#hampton$), rosé’s douchebag level exists on a sliding scale.
“Winner,” Round 4: Tie.
Round 5: Celebrity Comparison
If Avocado Toast is the Oprah of Instagram…
Rosé is Calvin Harris.
Winner, Round 5: Shit. Another tie.
Round 6: Seasonal Consideration
Avocado toast is year-round, making it an Instagram staple.
Rosé is the new white jean: more declarative of summer than Memorial Day, if only because it appeases our mindset when the weather is not yet fully ready to cooperate. Likewise, its ephemeral nature makes rosé feel special and encourages joie de vivre for the sake of a time limit.
(Though note that rosé sommeliers insist it’s fine all the time.)
FINAL DEATH MATCH: THE FILTER CHALLENGE.
You know how some people can’t take a bad picture? A true Instagram Champion shouldn’t be able to take a bad filter.
AND THE WINNER IS: …You decide.
Vote in the comments below and we’ll announce the winner.
Did you know that you can fix split ends with avocado? We haven’t yet found any Rosé beauty tips, but try out these steps for getting fuss-free beach waves. Or you could just stick it in a hat and call it a day.