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The Thought Process of Exercising

Whose idea was this?

05.13.15
man-repeller-thought-process-of-working-out

Setting my alarm clock to “Eye of the Tiger” seemed like a good idea in theory. Turns out it makes me want to punch Survivor’s lead singer square in the jaw.

Caffeine. I need caffeine. It’s 8:05. I have exactly ten minutes to get this sports bra over my head, brush my teeth, pack a change of clothes for — oh, I’m starving. What I really want is that Nutella french toast I dream-fed myself last night but alas, a banana it is. And I’m off!

I’m only wearing one sock.

This gym-cum-disco smells like microwaved cheese nachos and the music is way too aggressive for an 8:30 am class. Why does everyone look like they’re about to audition for the local crossfit pageant? Oooh, where did that woman get those cat print fitness pants? Ugh. I look like a dad who only shops on Amazon Prime.

“Hey ladies! And some gentlemen! Who’s ready to [spin, run, lift, stretch, plank, dance]? Do we have any first-timers in the room?”

I’ve been coming to this class every Monday for the past six weeks. I raise my hand.

“Welcome! I’m Jaylee! Alright everybody, jog in place now.”

I wonder where Jaylee is from. Did she always want to spread fitness? No, Jaylee is a theater girl. She auditioned for the role of Elphaba Thropp in Wicked but didn’t get the part. She’s scared to break the news to her mom, who sold her cuticles on the black market so Jaylee could test the Broadway waters. Maybe.

Why is it only 8:36?

My knees feel like jelly potstickers and every time I jump I am reminded of my small but motion-sensitive breasts. My ass should come with its own passport because that thing is going the distance and I am sweating out of every orifice.

Jaylee wants us to pick up our three pound weights. Why did I even come here? I could be having breakfast. Or watching Live! with Kelly and Michael while giving myself arm chills. I wonder how many hands have touched these weights. I wonder how many of those hands were washed. Oh god. Did I wash my hands? I wonder how much longer Jaylee will make us perform these “incremental movements intended to lift your buns and lengthen those limbs!”

I don’t want to be looking in the mirror, but my reflection is a welcome distraction from my self-self, who is trying her hardest not to pass wind during a tap-back.

8:46.

YES! A Taylor Swift song, finally. Now I can get into this.

8:46.17. Tay should really reconsider the typical length of her songs. Can an ab break in half? If I walk out, will anybody notice? No Esther, pull through. There are 15 minutes left. That’s 14 minutes and one plank for 72-hours worth of excuses to eat whatever you want. Because you earned it.

I can’t see the clock for the sweat is dropping in my eyes. Jesus, it’s hot in here. WILL SOMEBODY TURN UP THE DAMN AC BEFORE I CROAK OR WORSE START SWEATING FROM THAT CRACK.

Holy marbles we’re at the home stretch. Jaylee, give me some Beyoncé. Some 80s Cher. Anything but — Mumford and Sons? Really? I can do this. I once squat-peed for 30 seconds. I’m climbing up this hill. I’m reaching that goal. I’m carrying that victory flag. I see you! I see you mom! I’m COMING HOME!!!!!

Oops. Farted.

Think this is hard? Try getting waxed. And if this somehow made you want to workout but you don’t know what sneakers are best, click here.

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  • AlexaJuno

    As a theater person, I am deeply impressed at your use of Elphaba’s surname. I’ll go back to avoiding exercise like the plague now.

    • Andrea Raymer

      Yeah, I tho I knew creepy amounts of useless musical theater information, but I didn’t know that one.

      • Esther Levy

        I gotta give some cred to my homeboy wikipedia…

        • AlexaJuno

          It’s the effort that counts.

      • UltimateSneaker

        It’s very Easy with manrepeller < my neighbor's mom makes $64 hourly on the computer . She has been without work for 6 months but last month her check was $14236 just working on the computer for a few hours.

        learn the facts here now SEE MORE DETAIL

    • My lil theatre nerd heart skipped a beat.

    • I only knew it from reading the books, so good.

  • Crying – this is so great.

    http://www.fossypants.com

  • Allie Fasanella

    hoh boi esther this is dead on. the today show while doing half-assed lunges is really more my speed.

    feelings about gym classes

    http://i.giphy.com/Ruf39xW686nNS.gif

    too much drama?

    • Esther Levy

      Never. That’s basically what cycling feels like anyways, right!?!?

  • Esther, this is beyond on point.

  • *nodding my head like yeah I agree with everything you just said*
    I once had a spin instructor who was not only the hardest one of the bunch but had a playlist that was exclusively Nickelback and Creed…at 530am. There were tears.

    • Esther Levy

      Oh god that is *literally* my worst nightmare. Pretty sure “With Arms Wide Open” will be my death song.

      • um, that nickelback photograph song where he’s like “what the hell is on joey’s head” SO motivating.

    • Allie Fasanella

      WHAT A SADIST

    • Lyric

      I’m pretty sure that’s what hell is like.

    • I went to a 9am Body Pump class on Saturday morning and the instructor played sooo much Nickleback. That’s some serious insult to injury. Ew.

  • Belle

    Beyoncé should be mandatory at the start, in the middle and at the end of every workout class.

    (Not that I exercise, but I would if they played her exclusively).

    http://www.honeybelleworld.blogspot.co.uk

  • Kelsey Moody

    “I once squat peed for 30 seconds.” YES hahaha there is no burn quite like the one that comes with the necessity to hover over the unspeakable horror that is a public restroom’s toilet seat in disarray. That is precisely the motivation I need to get through a god awful exercise class Esther, thankk youuu

  • mfashionfreak

    haha i loove this!

    mfashionfreak♥blog

  • My little theatre nerd heart skipped a beat.

  • BAANOU

    Haha this is Hilarious.

    xx
    baanou
    http://www.baanou.com

  • alexe311

    HAhaha this is just wonderful and so accurate!

  • Marianne Ronsse

    I’ve been trying (and failing) for a few months now to exercise right when I wake up. The main problem is that getting up is hard enough on its own, and the only thing that truly motivates me to stop hitting the snooze on my alarm, is the prospect of breakfast. I usually try to fit in exercise right before lunch, but it takes some meticulous calculation because if I wait too long, I get too hungry and I just go straight to lunch without exercising.
    But more power to you for being so strong so early!
    And YES, you deserve to eat whatever you want after that (treat yo’self) 🙂

  • THIS here may have just given me more motivation to get up and work out in the mornings. Even if the only motivation is have something quite as funny as this to write about.

    Josh – The Kentucky Gent
    http://thekentuckygent.com

  • Elizabeth Tamkin

    Go you for waking up at 8:05 because unless there’s a higher being telling me GTFU, I’m in bed. I can work with an afternoon gym session though.

  • Sylvia

    My darling daughter once gifted me 3 certificates for barrys boot camp for my birthday! I wasn’t sure if I should be insulted when she said” mom, you’ve been saying you a gained a few pounds….” The upside was doing it together and spending a lovely afternoon with my daughter ( I did come down with the flu the next day from walking around wet in frigid temperatures)

  • Haha it’s not that hard – come on. 8am start – walk in the park lady!

  • Trinity

    Can you guys do a post on options for exercise classes/gyms in the city? Additional fart jokes welcome

  • vzukelman

    I had Vinyasa Yoga class this weekend, went two weeks without a class and thought I would die. I made it through, but I totally get the whole “Man it is hot in here” part. I got a Pinkberry after. I understand, Esther.

    http://www.thedrasticallyblog.blogspot.com

  • “I once squat peed for 30 seconds.” YES hahaha there is no burn quite like the one that comes with the necessity to hover over the unspeakable horror that is a public Beauty tips restroom’s toilet seat in disarray. That is precisely the motivation I need to get through a god awful exercise class Esther, thankk youuu…!

  • Haha love this! Also, arm chills are THE BEST. My boyfriend is consistently surprised at how I immediately turn into the sweetest, calmest person with just one second of arm chills. They’re magical.

  • *nodding my head like yeah I agree with everything you just said*
    I once had a spin instructor who was not only the hardest one of the bunch but had a playlist Eye makeup tips | beauty tips for face | skin problems | how to apply makeup that was exclusively Nickelback and Creed…at 530am. There were tears.

  • I dunno how ya’ll do spin classes in the morning. I’d rather run by myself than wake up to a yelling Spin instructor and bad Techno. That’s no way to wake up.