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The Boys of Summer

Just because it’s Uncuffing Season doesn’t mean you can’t have a celeboyfriend

05.28.15

Historically, the end of Memorial Day marks the beginning of Uncuffing Season. On May 26th, a calendar alert pops up regardless of whether or not you’ve disabled notifications. “End whatever relationship you’re in,” it says. “Being in a couple will prohibit your tan.”

But I am a champion of summer love. Staunch as I am in my belief that proud independence is the key to happiness so long as the Parental Vacation Laundry clause remains in effect, two can be better than one in a variety of hot-weather situations.

Like when you need to borrow an air-conditioned room.

The harsh reality, of course, is that when male weekend warriors discard their cuff links in exchange for the Jenna Lyons roll, it doesn’t mean they’re looking; it means they’re single. Big difference. Which means that if you want a summer boyfriend, you’d better renounce your fay-sexuality and find yourself a celebrity.

Jake Lacy

jake.lacy.1

Stats: 30 years old. 6’2″. Actor. You’ve seen him on The Office, Obvious Child, and GIRLS.

MR Creds: Peripheral mentions via “Love Stories” and GIRLS recaps. 2 degrees of Kevin Bacon via Jenny Slate’s Chatroom Appearance.

Why: He’ll warm your butter with his hand and looks great in khakis, if you’re into that kind of thing. Most importantly, he’s under the radar. Girls haven’t realized he’s hot yet.

Perfect for the girl who: is actually looking for something serious.

ASAP Rocky

asap.rocky.1

Stats: 26 years old. 5’10”. Rapper. Pretty Mother Fucker.

MR Creds: Style Icon-recognition, thus joining the ranks of Ralph Lauren, Elisa Sednaoui and Marcia Brady.

Why: He has an excellent friend group. Also, you can borrow his clothes.

Perfect for the girl who: is not the jealous type, loves concerts.

Miles Teller

Image via Flaunt by Tomo Brejc

Stats: 28 years old. His dating-app height is 6’0″. Actor/drummer.

MR Creds: Mentioned once in October (“Three Indie Movies to See,”), plus received a dedicated post titled, “A Thursday Crush on Miles Teller.”

Why: Great tempo.

Perfect for the girl who: wants the stay-at-home-and-chill-guy sometimes, not always; she’s still up for the party likes a man who can dance. She’ll need to handle competition well, however. People know Teller’s name and face now — he has a Fuck Yeah Tumblr page.

Zayn Malik

zayn

Stats: 22. 5’7″. Reformed boy-bander. Solo artist.

MR Creds: Mentioned once in April.

Why: He’s a young John Stamos who isn’t afraid of an aesthetic risk. (But with hair like his, the odds are ever in his favor. Yes. Even that time his bangs looked like Kate McCallister’s.)

Perfect for the girl who: is sick of the scene and just “wants to take it easy” this summer.

Justin Bieber

Image via Hollywood Reporter

Stats: 21 years old. 5’9″. Singer. (Not rapper, despite previous attempts.)

MR Creds: Multiple, including a plea for the world to love him despite our own refusal to call him a Brat Pack member. We did, however, once have a theory about how Bieber is actually Miley Cyrus.

Why: Because everyone deserves redemption, and if this video doesn’t qualify him for forgiveness then I don’t know what does:

Perfect for the girl who: doesn’t mind repeating to her friends, “You just have to get to know him.”

Eddie Redmayne

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Stats: 33 years old. 5’11” but looks 6’1″. Actor with the voice of an angel.

MR Creds: Surprisingly, zero. (Although I’ve seen him mentioned in the comments before.)

Why: Don’t ask stupid questions.

Perfect for the girl: who needs a last minute wedding date who looks amazing in pictures and even better in a tux. This is strictly platonic; she’s been in love with the best man for years.

Not all celebrity boyfriends are created equal, of course, and like I said, it’s uncuffing season; there will be casualties. To avoid drama, I suggest you end things as quickly as possible if you’re dating any of the following: Jared Leto (he’s hot, but too all over the place; Ryan Gosling (he has a kid), and Netflix. What are you still doing dating that thing, anyway? The weather’s finally nice. Go outside.

(…After you tell us your summer celeboyfriend lineup in the comments below, that is.)

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  • Vanessa

    I love Eddie he so cute! And such a great actor, I fangirl him a bit to much during the award season. Miles is awsome, Jared is cute too but a friend of mine, who loves him, said that he has a thing for 20 year old russian models, I found that a bit wierd and kind creepy (he is 43)

  • Lola

    I’ve gone off Rocky a little since his comments about Rita Ora. There are bad boys, and then there are just dickhead boys.

  • Quinn Halman

    Since I got my first Tiger Beat in grade 2 my heart and beautiful soul has belonged to Jesse McCartney. Although he may have drifted in and out of the spotlight and my celebrity crushes may have varied over time (Zac Efron, Dean from Gilmore Girls, Michael B. Jordan), I will always have a special relationship with Jesse
    http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyi0dfryxp1r5ruse.gif

    • My sister is home from college and we were looking through her old diary entries and found this gem from the summer of 2006 “I think Cole [Sprouse] might be slightly better looking but I feel like I have more in common with Dylan [Sprouse]…”

      Decisions decisions.

      Also, in case anyone needs any more material I submit:

      Man Dimes

      https://www.pinterest.com/horusfitzfancy/man-dimes/

      Vintage Dimes (Never forget young Al Pacino. Never!)

      https://www.pinterest.com/genisisyoung/vintage-dimes/

      • Quinn Halman

        Chad Michael Murray>Dylan>Cole

        • YES. Speaking of early aughts shows on the WB (R.I.P.) Also, whatever happened to that kid from Everwood?

    • Aydan

      Jesse circa Summerland was my ultimate fave!

  • parkzark

    And ASAP just released a new album!

  • A$AP all the way. Even willing to compromise on the fact he doesn’t crest 6’0″ which is saying mucho. <3

    • Lucia

      and compromise on the fact that he is a huge misogynist. there is so much but even only the rita ora thing, shaming her for having sex with him

  • eff you zayn. my one and onlyyy

  • Amelia Diamond

    UP NEXT: A TRIBUTE TO DAVE FRANCO? YES? NO? SUGGESTIONS.

    • Clearly the superior Franco.

    • Quinn Halman

      just boys with good eyebrows pls

    • uh, YES.

  • When did Miles go and get so attractive? Probably when he got ripped for Insurgent, but I’m all bout that life.

    Otherwise, Gosling is the perfect Summer boyfriend. He’s the one you have around on the weekends when you want some fun (and the kid is with his (ex)wife), and then he disappears during the week whenever you’re out conquering the world. It’s a win, win.

    Josh – The Kentucky Gent
    http://thekentuckygent.com

  • Kirby

    Miles is definitely at the top of my celeboyfriend list. He is just so ruggedly handsome with all of those scars. And I just rewatched Whiplash last night and am still not over his performance.

  • Sophie K.S.

    I’d choose The Graduate-Dustin Hoffman as the celeboyfriend of SS15. You can chill in a pool for the entire summer, and come August, you and your fling will meet a dead end accompanied by a Simon and Garfunkel-soundtrack

  • Marianne Ronsse

    The young Leonardo Di Caprio as featured in “Romeo+Juliet” would be my ten-year old self celeboyfriend dream come true 🙂

  • Isis

    I shouldn’t be doing this, because I love being the only one loving him… But my summer (forever, maybe?) crush is Cary Fukunaga. Why? He’s the director of True Detective, he’s half Japanese half Swedish AND he has a man bun. He’s just perfection on Earth.

  • Lizlemon

    Ooo Eddie yes! He is adorable, bumbling and lovely.

  • Lauren

    RIP Jared’s hair. Also Miles Teller is sooo attractive now, especially since this happened http://www.buzzfeed.com/maggyvaneijk/riplash-am-i-right#.qw1NKrLVa . But on another note, Harry Styles should be on this list because 1. man bun 2. he has lovely style and is partial to the Saint Laurent 3. he’s so so good looking. I love this post and Long Live A$AP

  • Miles Teller all the way please!
    The other day in a movie theatre, I squealed aloud with joy when he appeared in the trailer of Fantastic Four and got some strange stares my way but whatevs.

  • Miguelito

    MIles Teller is pure summer-hotness. Would give anything to get a taste of that rowdy soul and perfect tempo.

  • Olivia McCarthy-Stevens

    I have firmly decided on C Thomas Howell circa 1983 because I don’t think I could ever love anyone more than Ponyboy.

    https://38.media.tumblr.com/982bafb544c2fb3d08b2d56b127fd654/tumblr_n5l2x8XTPu1tp3d7zo1_500.gif

  • why is justin beiber in this? sinceriously why
    and i choose Hozier if anyone wanted to know