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What Kind of Shopper Are You?

You either know her, you’ve been her, or you are her.

04.16.15

Sale-er’s Delight

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You’re walking down the street, minding your own damn business. Maybe you’re checking out your butt in the bank window reflection. Maybe someone catches you doing that. Luckily, a sign catches you, too. The sign says “sale.” And even though you swear you aren’t spending money this week, passing up discounted jeans feels like a financial waste. Against your own will and better judgement, you enter the store.

It turns into a free-for-all — literally. In your mind, 40% off a $900 pair of shoes ifree. So what if you previously declared them “ugly as shit and not my style” and “ew no I’d never wear those.” They’re on sale now, and they’re kinda your size.

What this says about you: You have a lot of crap you don’t need, but your coupon game is tight. You excel at last-minute gifting because your closet is a storage unit of still-tagged items, and you’re diplomatic in your retail strategy — all inventory is fare game. Buy three toothbrushes, get a vacuum half off! Hell yes. Down Coats Must Go! (Because it’s July!) You’ll take ’em.

Bragging rights: let your friends call you a hoarder all they want. You’re the one whose 2-year-old gamble on a pair of high waisted cropped flares finally paid off. Pink tag at night, sale-er’s delight.

Gullible’s Travels

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Heaven help the gullible shopper. You enter stores with pure intentions and focused goals; you’re here to buy a pair of work-appropriate pants and a smart blazer. You’ve got an interview coming up but your last job was at a Cheerio farm, so you really do, for the sake of your future, need a few things.

But here comes the salesperson, and she’s bored. No one’s come in all day! She’s also harboring dreams of becoming the lead costume designer on Broadway but wants to get her styling chops in first. So suddenly you’re her project. Suddenly, she’s coming at you with pants the size of Saturn and an orange blouse so loud, someone across the street reported a noise disturbance to the police. You trust her, though. You believe her trend predictions and eat up her compliments — “That fur pimp hat looks marvelous on you!” — then you leave the store poor with an outfit that in no way will get you the job you now really need to pay for this stuff.

What this says about you: you may have gone in the wrong store.

Bragging rights: you’re friends with all the salespeople, so they let you use the secret employee bathroom and don’t mind if you bring more than 6 items in the dressing room. You also have an outfit for every imaginable occasion. Except interview clothes. Still need that.

Eye of the Tiger

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You saw a pair of shoes on Instagram and knew from the moment you tapped for credits that they were yours. You’ve mentally built at least three outfits around them — that’s what you always do to make sure the buy deserves a place in your closet — and deduced that you also need striped tunic shirt to complete the dream team trifecta.

You know what store you’re going to for the shoes and you’ve already bookmarked the website that carries your shirt. Like Khaleesi, you will not be swayed. There will be no browsing. There will be no superfluous shopping cart editions. No talking — you’re not here to make friends. No, you don’t want to see similar styles. Eyes on the prize, baby.

What this says about you: you have a closet that reflects your current style and mood. You do, of course, experience flashes of regret when a party invitation calls for an all-pink dress code two weeks after you avoided Zara’s spring blush section. But you also don’t have to store your sweaters in the oven.

Bragging rights: Your edit’s so tight that when people say, “That’s so you,” you agree. Nothing is more satisfying…except for those tapped-for-credits shoes.

Amazon.com Dad

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You can’t just buy the sneakers. You have to research the sneakers first. The best sneakers. The ones with the newest technology and strongest arch support and highest reviews. You’re like a dad buying a new digital camera. You labor over your purchases for weeks if not longer, and have packed-to-the-brim shopping carts lingering throughout the Internet. Your friends are sick of you texting them colorway options: “Should I get the blue and red with the white, or the white and red with the blue?” No one cares. They just want you to buy the trainers so you can move on already.

What this says about you: You’re careful! And thoughtful. You probably spell-check text messages and double-check attachments in emails, too. You’ve never accidentally sent a screen shot of someone to that person.

Bragging rights: You can sleep easy knowing you get the best bang for your buck, and you’re the only one in your friend group whose selfie-stick hasn’t broken yet.

The Taylor Swift of Shopping

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Emotions, rather than planets, dictate your purchases. Flying high off a raise or a sugar rush? Then that hat, that bag, those jeans and this sweater are not only calling your name, they are singing it from the rooftop because you know whose hills are alive? Yours. The motto, Drake/Lil Wayne, is not only YOLO, but TREATYO (self).

Dumped by a dilweed? Why, these dangly earrings are the hugs your body has been crying for all day. So what if you don’t “need” another pair. You didn’t NEED to be dumped, either.

What this says about you: You’re in touch with your inner you and can add the fun word “impulsive!” to your various online profiles with honesty.

Bragging rights: Your closet, while perhaps a little bit scary, is packed with magpie treasures covered in tassels, sparkles, sequins and thick red embroidery. No one buys vanilla yogurt to celebrate or cry.

Which one are you, and who did I forget?

Illustrations by Autumn Kimball 

Get more Humor ?
  • Maggie Clancy

    I recently was shopping with my boyfriend and as I was walking with laser focus (I looked a lot like the liquid terminator) he commented, “I forgot how intense of a shopper you are.”

    I prefer “focused” and “no-nonsense,” but, ya know.

  • I’m so the eye of the tiger, shopping is serious business ladies! Lol :)’

  • Nadja

    Man repeller you are fantastic,I love your blog

  • Carey Cassidy

    Why do I feel like I’m all of these

    • Amelia Diamond

      I am too 🙂

      • Carey Cassidy

        self diagnosed shopping-induced-schizophrenia 🙂

    • Jin

      Right? I’ve been unable to buy nude heels for several months b/c I’m looking for the perfect pair at the right price and yet last week when I was annoyed about my job I impulse-bought 6 pairs of mules in half an hour FROM 6 DIFFERENT WEBSITES (4 of which I I’m returning b/c they didn’t fit).

      ps if anyone knows of a great pair of nude heels . . . for work . . .

      • Louboutin Simples or Dolce Vita chunky heeled anything. I have worn both like crazy at the office!

      • leahnoodles

        I too had the same struggle earlier this year. Went with the Manolo Blahnik BB and the Stuart Weitzman Nouveau. Good luck!

  • Allie Fasanella

    These illustrations are awesome. I just wanna say that I’m the worst retail worker on the planet. I’m a step above Isla Fisher from The Bachelorette. i spend most of the time looking at my butt in the dressing rooms when I say i’m cleaning it up. All I wanna do when I’m working is shop. I would say I’m the eye of the tiger shopper fo sho.

  • katiedid13

    I read a lot of minimalist blogs and gawk at people’s smug-ass capsule wardrobes… but I am a T-Swift shopper through and through.

  • Esty Turner

    The six pairs of sheer polka dot crew socks laying in my closet that I *technically* didn’t need can attest to the fact that I am a T-Swift shopper. ALSO: these illustrations are the bomb.

  • LuLu with Grace

    Great post!! I think I have a little of them all in my shopping habits.
    Kristi From Lulu With Grace
    http://www.LuluwithGrace.com

  • ziggyplayguitar hero

    I would love to say that i’m the eye on the price one, but who am I kidding? I’m tay tay all the way

  • a possible add: the gun-jumper. this girl thinks of something very specific she wants, then takes to the internet amazon-dad style, scouring and searching every website she can think of to try to locate this elusive item. it could be a new trend she saw on a runway, or a sudden burst of random inspiration — either way, this is 2015, and we have the internet, so it’s gotta exist somewhere, right?

    wrong. her weeks of frenzied digging haven’t turned up her buried treasure, but they have gotten her to china (literally…4-week ship times, counterintuitive sizing and dealing with customs won’t be sketchy at all, right?) and amassed an impressive pinterest board of not-quite-it-but-maybe-halfway-there items. worn out by the search, our weary traveler finally settles on the best of these options. it’s not *it,* but it’s close. she doesn’t *love* it, dear reader, but she mostly likes it.

    fast forward anywhere between 6 months – 2 years and *IT* is now being mass-produced for wide consumption and available in six colors at forever 21. such is the life of the gun-jumper.

    • MT

      Me, every time.

    • smillipede

      omg word this is me

    • ME. Except almost always, I eventually find it, and almost always, it will cost me more than a flight to Indonesia orrr several hours instructing a Chinese Etsy artisan on how to replicate it… which just ain’t the same.

      • BK

        New career/life goal is “Etsy artisan”

    • Lindsey Walters

      Holy Christ… yes. I do this with costumes. I stitched together a Harley Quinn costume because I couldn’t find one to my satisfaction, and the next Halloween there were three different options. I tell myself mine has more heart.

    • Olivia McCarthy-Stevens

      Omg so true. Or, by the time I find the perfect one, I have no money bc I spent it on something else in complete sadness.

      • ^ THIS is me every time!!! I spend my budget for that thing on the half-thing and then when the thing-thing suddenly finally exists I have no money left for the thing. I swear I’m not bitter.

    • Rosie

      THIS IS SO. REAL.

  • vhalinavho

    To me shopping is like retail therapy it does a lot of wonders in my world, it makes me feel good about myself even when im broke I just tend to believe that I have millions in my card,i am more of the taylor swift shopper beacause when im shopping I love to convince myself that I only leave only just to avoid the guilt of spending and also i also love to feel as if I own the world that is why I say shopping does wonders for me.Interesting article indeed.u15176585

  • I am probably a mix of saler’s delight and eye of the tigger. I cannot for the life of me pass up a good sale, especially if it’s something I have been eyeing. And I do the damn IG thing all day (why liketoknow.it) I have an inbox full of items I have to have, and can mix and match to make perfect outfit!

    http://www.littleblackshell.com

  • Can we talk about how Amazon is ruining everything with their “helpful” reviews? I can’t buy four metal straws without spending an hour of my life reading about the pros and cons of stainless steel, bent versus straight, “smoothie” wide versus “iced coffee” wide, good sellers versus slow sellers, and aaall about how some old lady WON’T BE BUYING THESE STRAWS EVERY AGAIN BC CHIPPED A TEETH WORST STRAWS EVER.

    • BK

      I’VE READ THAT EXACT SAME STREAM OF REVIEWS

      (I DIDN’T BUY THE STRAWS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF CHIPPING A TOOTH)

      epilogue: I got glass straws instead

  • I’d consider myself a treasure hunter, or a lucky shopper. Just drifting in and out of stores finding great items whether they are on sale or not. I may not buy a lot but I truly love each thing I get and start using it immediately.

    • Katie Kang

      This is me EXACTLY. I won’t buy something that’s on sale but “just okay”. I’d rather save that money for something I adore even if it is a bit expensive. There isn’t a thing in my closet that makes me wonder why I ever bought it.

  • I can’t decide.

    I’m the amazon.com dad, except I keep second guessing my choices and don’t end up buying anything. All the clothes in my closet are gifts from relatives. And then I lost weight, so I’m hoping overlarge items start trending soon.

    • I am the dad too, and often allow research fatigue to get the best of me before actually making a purchase.

  • Lua Jane

    Eye of the tiger for those really big important items, with occasional Sale-er’s delight moments, but on those I shop solely for basics, like cashmere sweaters or black slacks, white shirts etc..stuff I’ll need for sure (internally justifying my actions). Or maybe occasional crazy incredible pair of shoes that are almost my size, but are everything, and have to go home with me.

  • jenn

    I can’t buy anything if I know I just missed a promotion

  • Ryan Norman

    SUGAR BABY SHOPPING TIPS 🙂 Every sugar baby needs a good wardrobe so when a sugar daddy takes you shopping try to keep these in mind to get the most bang for your buck.

    1) Your best friends are silk and cashmere:
    I know it’s tempting to want to pick up the slinky polyester dress that is going to hug all of your curves but shop with his wallet as your budget and not yours. Silk and cashmere are timeless and luxurious textiles. They cost a bit more to launder (dry cleaners) but if you maintain them well they won’t need to be laundered as often as something cotton, poly, linen, rayon or a blend. A silk blouse or dress and cashmere sweater will be classic pieces that you can literally wear for years and layer when and if you decide to enter the corporate world.. and they’re great for looking classy on dates with other sugar daddies/POT’s because of their elegance. Not all of your events and outings are going to need a tight little dress.

    2) Pick up handbags that are either limited edition or classic in nature:
    Canvas Gucci bags show everyone that you have a Gucci bag. Well in a year canvas will get dirty and start to deteriorate. Leather Gucci bags, again, will last for years if properly maintained because they are well constructed and made of durable materials. Just using Gucci as an example this goes for every other brand as well. Limited edition bags have higher resale value, you don’t know what life may throw your way and if you have to throw that bad boy on eBay at least you know you can get your money’s worth. Also, when a sugar daddy is buying you a purse ask the SA (sales associate) for aftercare products like a leather cleaner or swayed brush or whatever else they recommend and purchase it on his dime. It will only be $20-$30 more and if you’re buying someone a $2-3k purse that’s peanuts.

    3) When shopping stick to big name brands:
    This is again for the resale value. Would you rather have 10 pairs of Forever 21 jeans that will be worthless in a year or 2 pairs of J. Brand jeans that you can sell for at least 50% of the original price when you’re sick of wearing them? Same thing as having 20 pairs of bakers shoes or 1 pair of Christian Louboutins. You may have less clothes but if you do things this way your clothes will be higher quality and you can integrate them in to your wardrobe easily because they’re more staple pieces and less likely to be on trend.

    4) Be sure you have your accessory wardrobe staples covered before you get frivolous things:
    My reasoning is this.. No matter how much your total outfit costs, as long as your accessories are on point you will look MONEY:
    1 pair of classic black leather pumps
    1 good pair of leather flats: this can be flat sandals, flat boots, ballet flats, etc. depending on what you like to wear. You can’t ALWAYS be in heels no matter who you are (I’m looking at you Mariah Carey).
    1 timeless handbag in a neutral shade
    1 smart wool coat if you live in an area where the weather gets cold – I prefer Burberry
    1 pair of diamond or pearl stud style earrings
    1 luxury brand watch
    1 good set of luggage including a roller bag and a carry on<- SO vital
    1 pair of high fashion sunglasses
    Classic leather belts in different neutrals (black, brown)

    5) ALWAYS KEEP THE TAGS:
    And the box and the receipt. I know it sounds like I’m a hoarder, but I keep tags for anything that costs over $50. This is because of resale. Items with a tag will get you more on eBay or Etsy or ASOS marketplace or wherever else. Set up an organization method so that you don’t just have a pile of retail mess in some corner in your room. This is especially important with luxury goods, I can’t even sell old Tiffany’s jewelry I have on eBay because I can’t prove it’s real. All I needed to do was keep the box with the certificate of authenticity and I’d have money in my pocket right now. So ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep everything.

    http://www.tempted.com

  • María Belén

    Omg, should I feel terrified that I am each and every one of this women? OH WELL.

  • Arielle McManus

    Wow I am the Taylor Swift of shopping.

  • So accurate! I think I’m a bit of all of these… gullible but I research before. I definitely need to work on my shopping technique. Overall great post!

    http://kissmekloth.blogspot.ca/

  • When I was reading the “Eye of the Tiger” category, I double-tapped.

    True life: Addicted to Instagram

  • I love the illustrations! <3

  • fashioholicthoughts
  • BK

    I have the, nay, BOTH Eyes of the Tiger all day every day. Apparently one time I was in a store (my preferred shopping/hunting ground of the Internet was evidently broken that day, which narrows it down to when Ellen DeGeneres took that all-in celebrity selfie at the Oscars or whatever day it was that Kim Kardashian’s butt magazine cover exposed itself to the world), and the saleswoman did the customary “can I help you with anything?” and my shopping companion/burden (I prefer to shop alone) swears that I replied, “Never, thanks though”.

  • sale meri

    i’m hunting for bog sale !
    blazer wanita

  • Billie Denise McGhee

    I am usually the Amazon.com Dad – I online shop a lot so i’ll look up coupon codes, filter sizes, colors and prices till i find exactly what I want, then debate about it for days or weeks. However I also am known to frequently have Taylor moments where I think “I worked really hard this week, and that person cut me off and flipped me the bird on the way home today so I DESERVE this.” This kind of spending is usually followed by immediate regret. :-/

  • ksenia

    Love this!!

    xx ksenia | http://www.kseniasles.com

  • Andrea Loh

    I am Eye of the Tiger + The Taylor Swift of Shopping = a wardrobe filled with blings, neons and leopard prints.

  • Reshma Persaud

    This is soo funny!! lol

  • Sgt. Larry Gronkowski

    As the official Sarge Of Shopping ladies, let me recommend to you what a real man with real taste likes to see on his ladies wrist…..a Reine De Naples or a 1972 Can’t go wrong! Am I right?

  • I am “Amazon Dad” by day and “Taylor Swift” by night. Logical me, indeed, has shopping carts with who-knows-what-now-but-probably-definitely-still-need, lurking all over the Internet and in my carefully organized bookmarks. But the IRL closet of Creative-Passionate me, is a mysterious and magical land of (to the unfamiliar eye) seemingly uncoordinateable patterns and colors. Because Hell YES I need that top with the pineapples and those sequined leopard print pants.

  • When I am low on sugar or my boyfriend just annoys me, I can be all of them and mostly – see it – get it!

  • I love this post!! hahaha so funny!! I’m an eye of the tiger kind of shopper!! defiantly need to change that!! hahaha Great job!! xx

    NEW BLOG POST!! Today we talk about “HOME DECOR: MEXICAN STYLE” – Decor inspiration of mexican style for our house! Don’t miss it!!

    http://www.influencerdiaries.com

  • Allison

    What about the shopper who’s eye is drawn to the bold and dramatic pieces at the expense of the classic staples? Capsule wardrobes be damned!

  • Megan Werther

    Another possible addition: all or nothing
    Her shopping habits are very much based on
    getting out of the right side on bed (or not). When she feels great about
    herself, she’ll buy them 600$ shoes. Soon after, she’s hit by a guilty
    conscience and decides to fight it by buying more. What is now added to the
    shopping basket, she doesn’t really crave for – but in her head she can now
    split up the guilt between all things purchased (even though she tries to get
    away from this thinking pattern by telling herself that, yes 600 is less than
    900, over an over again). She’s extreme in everything she does: eating nothing
    or for two, laughing or crying all day long, getting so drunk she can hardly
    stand or not even sipping from that oh-so-bourgeois bubbly.

  • PCE

    Can I adjust the Taylor Swift shopper to be the “I’m broke (thank you, law degree) T-Swift shopper” who can shop a sale like no other. I research my sales, I coupon it up, and I can tell you whether or not you can hold out for a better price on those ballet flats. I don’t think I’ve purchased an item at full price in two years. Yes, it helps that I’m my style is “classic” (haters may say “basic”) and I’m not a trend wearer, and yes I have no shame buying a winter coat in July. But can you beat the Calvin Klein perfect black trench at half off (thank you Lord & Taylor)? No, no you can’t.

  • Rosie

    I’m definitely a combination of all of these except the gullible shopper. I *will not* let sales people talk me into anything that I know I’m not in love with. But the other three… Fair game. I spent WEEKS researching fresh white sneakers until I settled on the Onitsuka Tiger Lawnships, and literal MONTHS deciding whether or not I should bite the bullet on a pair of black Nike Internationalist Mid sneakers (I did). I’d say that’s a mix between the Eye of the Tiger, and the Amazon Dad. But then again, I also was just recently dumped (ugh) and went on an insane impulse-shopping bender on Urban’s website the very next day. Didn’t think twice about the 6 things I had thrown into my cart. I NEEDED THEM ALL! Y’all get it. Xo