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The Gloating Auto Away Message

When did Out of Office become a new bragging medium?

04.24.15
OUTOFOFFICE_WITHLOGO

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:24 PM, Rumara wrote:

Hey! When are you back from London again?

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:26 PM, Cumberlina wrote:

OUT OF OFFICE: Hi! Thank you for your e-mail, I will traveling internationally through April 30th with limited e-mail access. If this is urgent, ask yourself why.

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:34 PM, Rumara wrote:

SEMI-STILL IN OFFICE: Hi there,

I am currently out of the office until May 1. I will be working remotely, in and out of frequent meetings. Thank you in advance for your patience, and I will aim to answer all e-mails in a timely manner.

Have a great day.

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:36 PM, Cumberlina wrote:

OUT OF OFFICE: Hello! Thank you for reaching out. I will be spending the next 72 hours seaside with enough e-mail access and free WiFi to answer your timely response in a timely response but will likely not do that.

If this is urgent, please contact 911.

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 2:10 PM, Rumara wrote:

OUT OF OFFICE: Hi there. Thanks so much for your e-mail. When I said “working remotely, in and out of frequent meetings,” what I meant was that I’m actually going to be away on a family vacation, which means that I don’t have to pay for anything — especially not dinner — but I will be frequently scolded if I’m seen with my phone. So, while I will be *checking* e-mails, I’ll be doing so infrequently, and I’ll only answer the easy ones.

Have a great day!

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 2:49 PM, Cumberlina wrote:

OUT OF PATIENCE: Hello,

Thank you for your e-mail. I am not out of office but have managed to figure out how to set up automated replies for e-mails I wish to ignore, yours ranking very high on this growing list chiefly because what self-respecting adult gloats about free-loading on family vacations? If your intention was to “up” me with your automated reply, consider this: I ordered the lobster last night.

Whether or not this is urgent, there is 82% chance I will not get back to you.

Thanks!

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 3:15 PM, Rumara wrote:

LIVING LIFE IN THE EASY LANE: Good evening,

I say “good evening” because mine sure was… Last night, on vacation, my friends and I (oh, when I said family vacation, I meant I’m on vacation with my boyfriend’s family — they have a compound in Bermuda — and he has 3 brothers who are all conveniently dating three of my friends so we’re essentially having our own personal Yacht Week, lol) anyway my friends and our boyfriends and I just had so much to eat and drink at dinner that we were completely spent this AM, and therefore had to nap on the beach all day while systematically rotating so as to ensure even tans once we return back. On May 1.

Which is why I can’t actually answer your e-mail.

Have a great whatever time it is there!

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 3:21 PM, Cumberlina wrote:

MY DAY IS BETTER THAN YOURS: Thanks for getting back in touch! While traditionally, these away messages are meant to serve as automated replies to respond prior to any real human reading, I am assuming there is at least one spelling error in your version of an auto-reply and it is for this reason that I will be unable to answer your e-mail until I return for a trip overseas to an Aman resort that is not yet open but has welcomed myself and my boyfriend, who I think is about to propose. In the event he does, you can assume that I will be unable to answer your e-mail for a longer period because, hello, I’m engaged (and the ring is big).

Take care!

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:24 PM, Rumara wrote:

I DON’T HAVE TO WORK, IT’S A LABOR OF LOVE: Hi there!

Though my fingers are as free and light as a feather due to the fact that I took all my rings off (wouldn’t want to lose diamonds while paddle boarding on the Amalfi coast… we just spent a few days sailing/PJ-ing here from Bermuda, btw), I can’t answer any of your e-mails either. At all. Even though our PJ has better Wi-Fi than your NYC office. The perks of not being tied down by Time Warner!

While I typically refrain from using the obnoxious addendum that all-too-often accompanies e-mail signatures — something to the effect of, “Please excuse typos. Written from an iPhone on the go.” — it appears that adding such a line is necessary in the case of Out of Office messages. I was simply trying not to brag, you see, but here it goes:

*Please excuse the typos. I’m not giving a fuck from my iPhone.

On Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 1:25 PM, Cumberlina did not write:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently.

By Leandra Medine and Amelia Diamond,

Illustration by Elizabeth Tamkin

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