I bequeath to you my greatest relationship quandary to date (lucky guy). I met a guy through Glimpse (Insta dating). He contacted me and we hit it off. We went on a great first date, he asked me to a second. We saw a thoroughly depressing movie and chased it with a bit of bar time — too much bar time. We fooled around, I stayed over. I left feeling like an idiot. Isn’t it cardinal rule # 1 that you wait until date # 3 to take off some clothes? Seemingly for good reason, as all hilarious texting on his end became one-word answers.
I finally told him that I thought I blew it and asked if he’d be up to hang out again. He agreed, and the date was awesome. We kicked back with some beer and our favorite video games and held a good conversation and flirtatious tone. He offered to let me stay over instead of catching a very late train home. I was happy to end it all on a good note/demonstrate that I was not a crazy person.
As good as it was, he’s been pretty silent. I never offered a “Hey, that was fun! Let’s do it again” generic response. (Should I have?!) Where do I go from here? Is the ball now in his court? Or is it sadly deflated and being scooped into the recycling bin?
Love and Basketball
Hey L & B-ball,
It honestly doesn’t matter if you’d waited until the third date, the 100th date or forever to have sex with this guy. The results would have been the same. Sex is clearly an important aspect of a relationship, but it doesn’t change anything in a scenario like this.
Here’s the deal: A guy has made the decision that he will have sex with you — if it’s offered — the moment he asks you out. It is that black and white. He hasn’t necessarily made the decision that he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with you, or that he might want to see you again afterwards, but he has decided that if you are keen on sex, then he is too. If all goes well and he feels a connection, then of course he’ll want to keep things going, but he has to feel a connection.
You guys hung out once, it was fun. You hung out a second time, drank too much, then fooled around. He didn’t contact you much afterwards, which suggests to me that he wasn’t particularly interested in continuing to get to know you. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh; I’m sure you’re an amazing person, but he might not have felt the same connection that you felt. It happens.
What you did next was probably not your strongest move: You got back into contact with the guy who hadn’t been forthcoming with attention, told him you thought you’d blown it, and asked for another chance, effectively giving him all the power and then some. He said, “Sure,” you guys hung out again, and of course he offered to let you stay over — not because he’s a gentleman, but because he thought there might be another opportunity to have sex.
If he’d wanted to keep things going, he would have. He didn’t. The ball is no longer in the court, the ball is gone. To be honest, the ball is most likely back on the dating app attempting to hook up with other women.
Don’t ask him out again — trust me when I tell you that you’re way too cool to have to pursue somebody who won’t make a little effort in return. And don’t feel like an idiot for hooking up with him. But if you’re going to feel that way if a similar scenario arises in the future, maybe wait till you’re sure that both of you are looking for the same thing before you jump into the sex.
My boyfriend and I have an incredible relationship, to the point where I have to pinch myself. Still together after 4 years, still best friends, fight so rarely that I don’t think it’s even happened in a year, and still very much in love. Now the kicker. Said boyfriend and I had both began the relationship knowing marriage wasn’t an interest of ours, but we had spoken very rarely in a “maybe us someday” way in regards to children, never delving too deep into it out of…whatever reason. fear? staying present? who knows. He recently moved 2 hours away and it’s forced the hard talks we’ve put off and he’s decided apologetically that he definitely doesn’t want to have children, but still wants a life together. This is a huge deal breaker as i’ve always seen myself as a mother.
Is this a normal defense mechanism of men? I’m wondering if this is ever a conversation between men…I don’t want to convince someone to be a father and he said he may “down the line” be open to it, but is that just a line to make me feel better?
Bringing Up Baby
That is quite the conundrum. Sounds like everything is perfect between you two except for that one little thing; the problem being that this one little thing is kind of the be-all end-all of your relationship.
Nobody likes talking about the serious stuff early on. Kids and marriage and lifelong commitment and prenups are hardly sexy or conducive to a romantic dinner conversation. But you guys have been together four years, you’re best friends, you’re in love and you don’t fight. Surely you must have had endless opportunities over the last, say, two or three years to bring up future plans?
But since you didn’t, now you’re faced with a crazy dilemma, and you have two unpleasant options: 1. Give him an ultimatum that he changes his mind or you end the relationship; or 2. Stay with him knowing that you’re never going to have kids together. There are only three possible outcomes in that scenario, and two of them sound pretty heartbreaking to me (breaking up or staying together without kids).
Sure, he might change his mind at some point down the track, but what if he doesn’t? What if you’re always hoping and he’s always pushing things further and further back? Sounds like a oneway ticket to Resentmentville, population: one.
For the record I don’t think this is a normal defense mechanism for men, as far as I can tell, the average guy wants to have kids. I think this is a very specific situation, and it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I think it’s time to have some frank conversations about the future of your relationship.