A young Cersei Lannister walks through a bleak forest, dead leaves crunching beneath her feet. Has Cersei always been the unabashed quasi-leader she is today? Have her sideburns always had such a wispy and ethereal quality? And the wizard sleeve kimono, has it always been her armor of choice? Game of Throne’s first ever flashback scene answers “yes” to all of the above. Cersei Lannister, indeed, woke up like this.
The fashion in Game of Thrones has always been a somewhat paradoxical draw for the show. For a series with so much greed, torture and gore, fashion is the unfailing bright spot on the plot’s ominous horizon. The sartorial choices of our favorite characters are as important as the sigils on their house banners.
Fur ponchos and heavy animal skins? We’re in
Manhattan during April Castle Black. Pastel colored Grecian-style gowns are a trademark of the Free Cities’ Khaleesi. Animal bone jewelry suggests you’ve gone too far beyond the wall and into Wildling territory. And where would my own extensions be without the mermaid hair seen throughout all of King’s Landing? On somebody else’s head, probably.
But this wouldn’t be a proper Game of Thrones post without a fight in which multiple main characters die over a crown. SO, who won the bloody red carpet Sunday night? The results, by the numbers:
2: Number of times Cersei proved that she can rock sideburns better than a Balenciaga model.
2: Number of times Cersei’s shoulders turned so cold that Jaime’s manhood shriveled up and folded into itself.
5: Number of braids needed to create the elaborate up do-cum-bundt cake atop Cercei’s head.
1: Number of times Man Repeller was referenced. See: #Funeralcore
1: Number of statement necklaces made from enough gold to end world hunger.
Total: 11 points for Slytherin!
Daenerys Targaryen (AKA: Khaleesi)
1: Number of times sideburns were on #fleek.
3: Number of Angelina Jolie slits promised to make a comeback before they even left.
1: Number of times Khaleesi’s Cara Delevingne brow put Cara Delevingne to shame.
1: Number of males found in her bed, proving to be the best nude accessory Nasty Gal can’t sell you.
Total: 6 points for Gryffindor!
1: Number of times Varys schemed a poor peasant out of his blouse.
5: Number of times I googled “Varys GOT kimono for sale.”
1: Number of times Varys rocked a kimono with sleeves looser than grandma’s inhibitions after a few shots of Hennessy.
Total: 7 points for Hufflepuff!
1: Number of times Margaery took a page from the Dries Van Noten playbook and made a jacquard vest formal.
1: Number of times Margaery convinced the gods to put down their swords down and sew gowns instead.
Total: 2 points for Ravenclaw!
The winner? Cersei Lannister, because someone’s gonna take that chick down, but it ain’t gonna be me! (Feel free to take your own shot below, though.)