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Game of Thrones: Fashion by Numbers

Who won the bloody red carpet?

04.15.15

A young Cersei Lannister walks through a bleak forest, dead leaves crunching beneath her feet. Has Cersei always been the unabashed quasi-leader she is today? Have her sideburns always had such a wispy and ethereal quality? And the wizard sleeve kimono, has it always been her armor of choice? Game of Throne’s first ever flashback scene answers “yes” to all of the above. Cersei Lannister, indeed, woke up like this.

The fashion in Game of Thrones has always been a somewhat paradoxical draw for the show. For a series with so much greed, torture and gore, fashion is the unfailing bright spot on the plot’s ominous horizon. The sartorial choices of our favorite characters are as important as the sigils on their house banners.

Fur ponchos and heavy animal skins? We’re in Manhattan during April Castle Black. Pastel colored Grecian-style gowns are a trademark of the Free Cities’ Khaleesi. Animal bone jewelry suggests you’ve gone too far beyond the wall and into Wildling territory. And where would my own extensions be without the mermaid hair seen throughout all of King’s Landing? On somebody else’s head, probably.

But this wouldn’t be a proper Game of Thrones post without a fight in which multiple main characters die over a crown. SO, who won the bloody red carpet Sunday night? The results, by the numbers:

Cersei Lannister

2: Number of times Cersei proved that she can rock sideburns better than a Balenciaga model.

2: Number of times Cersei’s shoulders turned so cold that Jaime’s manhood shriveled up and folded into itself.

5: Number of braids needed to create the elaborate up do-cum-bundt cake atop Cercei’s head.

1: Number of times Man Repeller was referenced. See: #Funeralcore 

1: Number of statement necklaces made from enough gold to end world hunger.

Total: 11 points for Slytherin!

Daenerys Targaryen (AKA: Khaleesi)

1: Number of times sideburns were on #fleek.

3: Number of Angelina Jolie slits promised to make a comeback before they even left.

1: Number of times Khaleesi’s Cara Delevingne brow put Cara Delevingne to shame.

1: Number of males found in her bed, proving to be the best nude accessory Nasty Gal can’t sell you.

Total: 6 points for Gryffindor!

Varys: 

1: Number of times Varys schemed a poor peasant out of his blouse.

5: Number of times I googled “Varys GOT kimono for sale.”

1: Number of times Varys rocked a kimono with sleeves looser than grandma’s inhibitions after a few shots of Hennessy.

Total: 7 points for Hufflepuff!

Margaery Tyrell: 

1: Number of times Margaery took a page from the Dries Van Noten playbook and made a jacquard vest formal.

1: Number of times Margaery convinced the gods to put down their swords down and sew gowns instead.

Total: 2 points for Ravenclaw!

The winner? Cersei Lannister, because someone’s gonna take that chick down, but it ain’t gonna be me! (Feel free to take your own shot below, though.)

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  • Chantel

    Nice article.

  • Jamie Leland

    Esther’s clearly gunning for the Sorting Hat’s job.

    • Esther Levy

      Always.

  • Ida Rose

    I love love love that you’ve thought of including Varys! He’s in good company, for sure 😀

    • Esther Levy

      His robe game is so tight

      • Aydan

        “Number of times Varys rocked a kimono with sleeves looser than grandma’s inhibitions after a few shots of Hennessy.” Made me and my office mate LOL!

  • Amelia Diamond

    I DIDNT WATCH THIS EPISODE YET WAS ARYA IN THIS EPISODE WHERE DOES SHE FALL

    • Esther Levy

      NO. AND IF YOU’D WATCHED IT YOU’D KNOW

  • Kelsey Moody

    Glad you didnt include Melisandre. She keeps trying to make the Lord of Light happen. Its not going to happen.

    Also, #respek to Brienna of Tarth for rocking the androgynous look and I FEEL YOU GIRL re: unrequited love, tough break falling for the king slayer

    And Khal Drogo, we get it, you went to Coachella in all your leather-fringed glory and got waaaay too into your flash tattoos. Chill with that heavy eye make up during the day, ya kno?!

    • Aydan

      So over Melisandre. She and her oozing words need to get out!

    • Lyric

      Melisandre. I can never remember her name. I always refer to her as “fire bitch”.

    • Melisandre. So hot right now.

  • Porn4GrandMa

    I can’t believe you didnt mention the males ass cheek count!!! surely G.O.T far and away is the leader in male buns per episode.. or as mom said “why dont they show the male full frontal nudity” (well she didnt actually say it like that it was more like “:how come they dont show his D**K?”) oh well i’m sure those Ass’es will droop once they have to pay a mortgage and college tuition…

    • Esther Levy

      Check fuckin mate

    • grandma syl

      um, is that you Ray???

  • Hilarious!

  • neli

    i like their style

    blazer wanita

  • Idn Joyment

    waiting for next episode

    http://www.facebook.com/IDnjoyment

  • i love this even if it wont talk about sansa’s goth make over and oberyn’s flamboyancy

    http://i.imgur.com/OI96qO0.gif