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Actual (April!) Horoscopes

Just in case you had a panic attack that last week’s Fool-o-Scopes did nothing whatsoever to help guide your life decisions. (Whatever.)

04.06.15
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Horoscopes
Horoscopes

We experienced a full moon lunar eclipse on Saturday. According to my Astrological Sign or Die chick Susan Miller, full moons bring things to a close. They also make us a little emotional (so far this just sounds like a Sunday), encourage change, promote new beginnings, and cause a bit of rocky, sometimes uncomfortable growing pains in between. All of that is exasperated by the lunar eclipse factor.

So here’s how we’re going to do it this month: I’m gonna give you the Suz Mil main points, the celestial silver lining, and then, the shoppable remedy. Now let’s roll up our collective sleeves and do the damn thing; not to sound like a motivational Instagram or anything, but, we got this.

Aries

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET CAROLINE.

Uranus, “the planet of surprise,” will be very active this month. If that doesn’t sound like the beginning of a Pepto commercial, then Don Draper should just fire me now.

What this means: be ready for whatever may come, similar to the way you know what you’re getting into once you strap your ass into a roller coaster. Hang on, don’t pee your pants (or do, whatev), and we’ll all get through this month alive. Suz predicts that thanks to stupid Pluto, you may “lock horns” with a boss or client. If you do, shove a fist full of peanut butter in your mouth in an effort to keep quiet until you’ve thought everything through before you decide to say anything you might regret.

Happy thoughts: The second half of the month will be easier than the first — especially when it comes to your house of love, baby. Jupiter’s sending a “shimmering beam” to the Sun and Uranus which, while that sounds like a rash in the making, will actually positively affect all things dating, creativity, pregnancy (if you’re into that kind of thing) and romance.

Eclipse Armor:

A phone case to remind you to thinkb4uspeak, shades to shield you from haters, an extra pair of shorts in case you pee on that ‘coaster of life and a shirt just in case the one you were wearing doesn’t go with those new red shorts.

Taurus

Susan is worried about the health of the Taurii. Or at least she’s concerned about this stupid eclipse that will affect the house that rules the steps we take to protect our health. This probably means we should be sleeping more, or get Fitbits.

She also predicts someone at work is going to start actin’ a fool. My bet probably should be on Leandra because fool is her second-to-middle name, but rather than begin a pre-emptive round of Colonel Mustard in the library with the dubstep, we’re cautioned to simply stay on our toes.

The sweet spot: Mars is chillin in our sign, giving us “exceptional drive, courage, and a fierce will to succeed.” Apparently Mars brings passion and energy, too. It’s like an oyster/matcha/coffee smoothie from above ready to light a much needed fire under our derrieres.

Eclipse Armor:

Pajamas to catch up on our zzs, heels to keep us on our toes (cute joke, huh?), a shirt that I just want and this is my sign, after all, plus a bracelet with a positive affirmation that won’t make anyone in wrist-view gag.

Gemini

Your creativity is scheduled to be lit up today, Gemini. (Although, if you’re feeling brain-blah, Suzy sometimes says that the dates she predicts should be taken with a general 3-day before/after window, in which case it’s like, why predict a date? Whatever.)

Tomorrow, April 7, our girl “predicts” you might be tempted to put your dang foot in your mouth and chew on it like a baby with a dog’s paw. (Bet you’re missing Tom Selleck’s biography about now, aren’t ya, Gems?). Like Aries and door-Taurs, take deep breaths and pick your battle. Now is not the time to enter a rap battle.

The next day, however? The 8th. You’ll be a regular linguist. Thanks to Mercury tickling ye old planet of butts, your negotiation and communication skills are gonna be ~*OuTta ThiS WoRld*~ You’ll get some weird news today too but ain’t nothin’ you can’t handle.

Eclipse Armor:

A flask in case my ‘scope recaps are causing you to drink, a bandana to cover your mouth before you open it on the 7th, sandals just in case you do put your foot in your mouth, and a little somethin’ to satiate that creative side.

Cancer

Hey crab waffles! Like Gemini, you’ll be busting out of the creative seams on April 8th. If your brain is feeling like soggy cereal today, just be patient. And use less milk next time. You should also be aware that a surprise is coming today. Suz was naturally extremely vague and unhelpful in that it could be good…or bad! Cool.

Where the first moon (and therefore first half) of April was annoying as fuq, however, the second one on April 18 will pump up your career and you’ll be running around like “Gahhhh I’m so successful omg I rule!!!” But keep your voice at an indoor decibel and remember that just because your boss is happy with you doesn’t mean you can stop wearing pants: in the next two weeks or so, it looks like a promotion or raise or a new client is a-comin. Stay focused.

Eclipse Armor:

A dress for success not the snooze button outfit comprised of everything I need someone else to buy so that I can live vicariously through you.

Leo

“The project you are working on now appears to be capable of being a jewel in your crown when you finish it,” Susan croons because she’s obsessed with Leos, “forever having you cruise on a new level.” While this sounds fine and dandy, I have to be honest: my biggest takeaway was that you’re going on a cruise. One track mind, ya’ll.

Like everyone else, you may get some shocking news today. You may also suddenly be whisked away on a trip (see: Susan’s Leo favoritism and hint at a cruise.)

Not that you don’t ever have the planets on your side, but Jupiter in particular is favoriting you this month. However, you only have until mid-August to use its planet-y power, so take advantage of this now. Start setting things into action that you know you eventually want to come to fruition and maybe Train will sing a song about you, too.

Eclipse Armor:

For your floating hotel room…

Virgo

Today is one of those anything-can-happen days, I’m just not sure if it’s going to be of the Ellie Goulding variety or the more ominous kind. You tell me in the comments but here’s hoping for a blonde English singer.

Keeping in line with this month’s sort of vague ‘scope, April 8 has the celestial potential to be a high intensity, nerve-packed day. Like you’re on a Real Housewives reunion episode or something. However, your mind will be on fire (drink a green juice, work out in the AM, buy a mini pomeranian), so that if you come across some sort of roadblock ($uz seems to think it might be financial) you’ll come up with a creative solution.

When it comes to money, show your home a little love. There’s nothing like coming home after a shitty eclipse day and crashing on a couch with pillows that aren’t made out of used tissues and burlap.

Eclipse Armor:

Shoes to keep you grounded, a necklace in case you’ve got a case-o-the-mehs, plus two things to make your home feel like a giant hug. 

Libra

Let’s talk about a different day for once up in these April bore-o-scopes. On April 22, “Venus, the guardian planet to Libra, will work closely with Jupiter to make your evening a standout.” The whole day is supposed be awesome, actually, so make the most of it. I know it’s tempting to call out sick and roll around in a vat of olive oil, but seriously — take this day by horns because they’re less sensitive than balls and milk it like a cow because we needed one more bovied-related pun.

Before that, on April 11, Venus is going to be all up in your sign doing what Venus does best: spraying the kind of celestial love potion that makes you more alluring and charming than you already are. Wink, and the world will collapse at your baby toes in a swooning manner.

That said, now’s a good time to alter your appearance if you were thinking of getting a little somethin’ somethin’ done to your hair or to your Botox spots because in a few weeks we’ll have a retrograde messing shit up. Go shopping now, get the dye done now, and then relish in it. You babe.

Eclipse Armor:

Random whynots to up the flirt factor, right this way…

Scorpio

Who even knows what normal means at this point, but on April 18 we’re gonna get a “normal” moon that gives you a booster seat in business, etc. (Cool projects, free t-shirts, the usual.) Like I said in the intro which you probably didn’t read because you were like, shut up and tell me when I’m gonna fall in love, eclipses are about the end of something. This new moon is about the start.

While April 21 will be all about the Benjamins, the next day will be sparkly as shit for your reputation. Maybe a project you’ve been working on will finally be recognized, maybe you’ll post an excellent Instagram. You just never know, Samantha Jones, but your career is on that upward rise.

If you haven’t felt the promise of a raise or promotion or accolades or something yet, get pushing. Put your nose to the grind, block out the haters like that Vine star with the spoons and have faith that your good efforts will pay off. And by pay off, I mean, cha-ching.

Eclipse Armor:

Dress for success without looking too snorporate while adding a pair of blinkers to block the dinkers.

Sagittarius

Perhaps a bit more politely than Rihanna did, you may have to make like Bad Gal and ask someone for your money. Pluto’s about to retrograde on April 16 which means financial buttcramps, so take measures now to get the dolla billz you deserve.

Now here’s some nice news! The new moon in Aries on April 18 is not a shitty eclipse, and it will instead light your house of romance, fun, leisure, creativity, and children, per Suz. You’ve got a steady flow of banging energy for the next two weeks, and if you’re single (and don’t want to be), it will help you not be. In fact, it’s the best moon of 2015 for love, so get out of the house and use it or lose it.

The weekend of April 25-26 will be super romantic too. “You might want to kidnap your partner for a night away,” writes Susan who has suddenly become a psychopath. Totally your call though.

Eclipse Armor:

Vacation/staycation/kidnapping staples and inspiration

Capricorn

The first few days post-eclipse sucks, but if you can grin and bear it you’ll get through it (watch out for any annoying Uranus-related surprises, though).

“I want you to take any opportunity to rest in April and to be good to yourself,” Susan says. She seems to think you’re some sort of celebrity who’s been quarreling with her manager for quite some time by the way she worded the former sentence that I did not include. “For you,” she continued, “a spa massage or facial would not be a luxury but a necessity.” Susan Miller, you just became a friend of the Capricorns!

If you’ve been worrying about your career, don’t. All will be fine. And on April 18, when the new moon arrives, take that time of new beginnings to address anything related to your home or family or taco stand. Take your time to sort things out, collect information, and collect call Susan if you barely own a lamp.

Oh, and as for love, if you didn’t meet someone last week, it’s looking really, really good until the 10th.

Eclipse Armor:

For that DIY spa session

Aquarius

Susan Cupid Bean Spiller Miller wants you to “put a circle around April 22” because it is your most romantic day of the month. Venus in Gemini will receive a shower of golden beams from Jupiter, the good fortune planet and also, apparently, pee fetishes.

One has to wonder what Susan means by “circle,” but one also has to assume it’s G-rated at best. It’s a good day for you to get a blowout or nails or buy a new outfit, but Susan wants you to know that this isn’t just limited to the ladies: “If you are a male reader, you are included! Guys want to look handsome, cool, and intriguing too!” Amen they do.

On the weekend of April 25-26, Venus will receive “a shimmering vibration from Uranus,” which is a visual joke that for me, personally, just does not get old. She wants you to take a romantic getaway of some sort, or at least a staycation with a lot of food. She used the word “foodie,” but I ignored that. Still, re: chillin’ the most, don’t have to yank your legs twice, amiright, Aquarius?

Eclipse Armor:

A sweatshirt because she said shop, a ring to circle the 22nd, socks to help you feel cozy during the crap part of the month and camp shorts for your vacation or staycation with the heater on high at home.

Pisces

“A new moon will always give you a portal of two weeks in which to work within, and the actions you take in that window of time will have the power to affect you positively for an entire year,” Susan taught us today. Since I’ve basically decided to ignore the eclipse completely now that we’re at the bottom of the horoscope boat, let’s focus on the new moon of the 18th, which is hanging in your house of earned income and therefore the best time to ask for a raise.

If you have any presentations to give or client meetings or appointments to beg at the mercy of your advisor, do so on the 21st when Mars and Pluto will be slappin’ each other five and making you look good.

As for the last weekend of April, where she’s hinting that a lot of us get out of town, she wants you to throw a party. “It would be a big hit,” she subtly hints while walking through your door uninvited with a plate of cheese and a bottle of wine. “Friends will be talking about your party for a long time afterward,” she finishes. Looks like I’m coming to your place at the end of April.

Eclipse Armor:

A dress to make you feel bold while asking for that raise, floral under-pinings for the same reason, shoes for your hostess duties, and a pretty top to top these horoscopes off.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

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  • Adrienne

    Being a Leo, I surely hope there is a cruise in my near future. Even if not, at least there’s Vegas…

    http://www.vanitysalad.com

  • I LOVE EVERYTHING IN THE TAURUS SECTION YOU KNOW YOUR BULLS SO WELL!!!

  • “will actually positively affect all things dating, creativity, pregnancy (if you’re into that kind of thing) and romance.”

    So good.

    http://www.fossypants.com/

  • Jamie Leland

    I don’t know Susan, but I feel validated by her (and Jupiter’s) favor.

  • Much better than the original April ‘scopes!

    As a Gemini, I will also not be online at all tomorrow, in case of that dreaded “foot in mouth” event. 😉