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What Your Coat Says About You

It’s basically like, “Just be quiet, child. Let me do the talking.”

02.04.15

No shame in the game if you haven’t bought your winter coat yet. Maybe cross that off your list first, though, then come play…

The Proper Puffer:

puffer

She eats lunch like clockwork at 1 PM everyday because she once read that metabolically, it was the best time to eat. She has rain boots and snow boots because you never know when you might need them — I mean, you do know, but most people ignore that principle and ruin their shoes. She likely also has a retractable umbrella in her purse. Mock her practicality all you want but the Proper Puffer is a winter warrior. In a block-to-block walking challenge, she could outrun a penguin.

Ned Stark:

ttstyle-yeti-white-coat

Often confused for a yeti, the Ned Stark wears a fur coat bigger than she is. It’s white. It has shoulders. It has an amusement park lodged somewhere within the sleeve. She got her fur from one of two places: her grandmother’s closet, or a flea market in Brooklyn. Together she and her coat are transitioning out of the manic pixie dream girl ripped tights/combat boots phase and into “Oh this old thing? It’s couture.” She straight owns it. She dodges PETA like a hockey team center and doesn’t care if you hum the Game of Thrones intro song at her — she’s warm, and she has a secret: naked as a baby under this bear skin rug.

The Peacoat Person:

peacoatharpersbazaar

She who peas is a fan of the classics. Her wardrobe is a series of staples of the non-desk variety: they won’t join paper together via sharp metal hugs, but they will allow her to cruise through such slideshows as “The 10 Things Every Girl Needs in Her Closet” while going, “Check, check, check, check.” The peacoat is no exception. It begins its appearance in her daily rotation once fall’s trench is phased out and it will remain on her body — steadfast and true — until her denim jacket taps out the navy wool tailoring come spring. The Peacoat Person is secretly always a little bit cold, but she’s not replacing this thing until an armpit rips.

The Camel Coater

camel-coat-lookastic

The CC is likely a model off-duty or has adopted the winter uniform of the Bowery cool-kids: oversized, ankle-length camel coat, leather pants, white sneakers, Acne knit and a Carhartt beanie. Or, the other alternative is that she’s a character on Seinfeld.

The Statement Maker

fashion-statement

The Statement-Maker can go one of two ways. Either she’s wearing the Katy Perry equivalent of purposely-faux fuzzwear, or, she is cold as fuck in a thin layer of pure fashion. Gold lamé trenches and cropped silk bombers look awesome but send grandparents into a state of panic when they catch wind that all their chic grandchild is catching is wind.

Laugh all you want at she-who-shivers, though, because the goosebumps and sneeze attacks are just an act to keep The Secret safe. What’s the secret? Only that Statement-Makers harbor a secret blood type that enables them to withstand even the most brutal of winters in cool coats plus bare legs.

The Did-You-Check-the-Weather-Girl:

unwarm-fashion-coat-w-mag

When it comes to looks, she looks great, but she also failed to look at the weather app very prominently blinking “FLASH BLIZZARD WARNING” on her phone. She didn’t look out her window, either. What this says about her is that she’s staunch in her decision-making — universe be damned! She’s a yeswoman to no one, except, of course, to the worst possible item in her closet for whatever’s happening outdoors. The best thing about her? She refuses to complain.

The Out-smarter

warm-hands-head-w-mag

The Out-Smarter doesn’t technically possess the same blood type as The Statement Makers, but unlike the above Weather Girl, she does know what’s up (or down) when it comes to temperature. Similar to both, she’s dedicated to her wardrobe. The outfit is priority, not being a human wood burning fireplace — but here, my dear friends, is where she prevails: she has figured out that so long as her head, neck, hands, legs and feet are warm, she can basically get away with a t-shirt.

The Seven-Layer-Cake:

layered-coats-tt-stylecom

In practice, she’s the savviest of the bunch. She’s got her Uniqlo Heatteach on underneath a set of waffle-knit long johns, over which she’s wearing wool trousers, camp socks, a turtleneck, a button down, a vest, a sweater, three coats and two scarves. Not only is she a street style photographer’s dream — The layers! The textures! The print clashing and the mixed-media smashing! — but she herself is warmer than a toucan in a pile of spicy pepperoni. She’s clearly from a climate where cold isn’t a four letter word; it’s a way a life.

And yet, for her especially, there’s no escaping the sweaty mess of hot panic we’ve all experienced after realizing you just got on the wrong subway — which won’t be stopping again until Queens.

The Ski Lift Regular:

tt-ski-coat-style-com

To the Ski Lift Regular, the world is an Applebees, she is the waitress and the lift tags that hang off her multi-purpose athletic jacket are her mandatory, corporate-regulated flare. You’re annoyed that she’s ditched you every weekend since December 1st for fresh powder and an over-abundance of Snapchats captioned “après-beerskis,” but as you stand side-by-side with you in your flimsy leather jacket and she in her Nasa-quilt, you realize you’re jealous. You also realize that she probably has a surplus of HotHands hand warmers in her pocket, and yes — you can have a pack.

The Body Heat Huddler

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Honestly, does she even own a coat? No. Why would she? The Body Heat Huddler’s got you.

Find out what more of your stuff says about you here…including drink order, breakfast, and facebook profile picture.

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  • Allie Fasanella

    This whole piece is perfection. This is me in my favorite pink coat taking a selfie at h & m and my grandmother Bootsie is in the background looking like she’s coming to kill me.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hang on. that coat is perfect. but. more perfect is that your grandmother’s name is BOOTSIE.

      • Allie Fasanella

        Boots for short 🙂 And thanks! – it was actually my mom’s but it’s not anymore cause I straight up stole it.

      • I love that name too.

    • That coat is actually so perfect, damn.

      • Allie Fasanella

        Thanks gfriend!

    • Can you ask Bootsie what lipstick shes’ wearing? Thanks

      • Allie Fasanella

        It’s definitely Revlon and I bet you it’s called something like “On The Hunt.”

        • Amelia Diamond

          hahahah

  • Spot on for the peacoat!

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

    • Flex Cavana

      So how do I act upon the knowledge I am a Peacoat Person?

  • Quinn Halman

    I fight the constant battle of do I want to look good or be warm? Hence, I have two winter coats, but they both abide to my mothers rule: it must cover my tush. One coat is for the day to day practical matters and it keeps me warm as it should in these canadian winters. I’m on season number 3 with this guy. The second coat is a vintage Calvin Klein I could sale brag about all day. This one may not keep me warm, but it doesn’t ruin the outfit.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I am 26 and still have to answer my parents’ yearly new-coat-question: “Does it cover your butt?”

  • Jules

    Excellent article! Can we also discuss the gigantic increase in Canadian Goose Down coats this season? I think I’m the only one missing out!

    • Amelia Diamond

      They are everywhere! Be a rebel.

      • They took over Toronto two winters ago. I live in NY now and have noticed it. I guess they’ve migrated south, much like real geese during the winter.

        • Quinn Halman

          I swear there is a toronto private school cult of people with those canada goose bomber jackets… I fell victim in middle school and grade 9

          • the canada goose bomber/uggs/lululemon leggins/jansport backpack cult

        • Jade

          Yes. And this year, they have come to Boston.

    • Ugh, they are absolutely everywhere. My personal opinion is that they make people look highly untrustworthy for some reason. You are not missing out — stay honest.

  • Glow On

    Lol! I love this! I’m a ski lift regular I guess…

  • That last photo is my favorite. Those two always make me smile!

  • Stephanie

    I’m a peacoat 8-5 M-F and Ski Lift all other times (unless attending a wedding or funeral, then it’s back to peacoat). Sadly, both are +3 years old and both are starting to bore me.

  • Poodle

    Black shearling coat for when it’s cold-cold
    Black Hillary Radley ($10 garage sale) long wool for med-cold

    • Amelia Diamond

      Pick of shearling please!!

  • This is one of my favorite vintage coats. 70s (I’m pretty sure) suede with faux-fur inside. It’s even got a belt if you’re into that.

    • Oh and second favorite: This puff (daddy) gold jacket that makes me feel badass while remaining ultra-warm.

    • I’ve been looking for a coat like that everywhere!! It looks perf on you Emma.

      http://charmystique.com/

      • Thank you! I’ve found all of my best vintage coats in places with predominantly warm weather. It’s one of the first things I look for when I go to a thrift store in a place with perpetual sun. Sounds counterintuitive but I guess they don’t prove as necessary so people give them up or at the very least they are staying on the shelves longer. (Plus warm weather = old people and old people = vintage)

    • Amelia Diamond

      I WANT A SHEARLING COAT SO BADLY IT IS KILLING ME

      • I am telling you — warm weather places have the best shearling coats in their vintage stores. Case in point: these babies in L.A. While I did not buy, my friend, pictured, bought the one I am wearing, for like $30 and it’s in excellent, impeccable 1970s condition. That was a price brag but overpaying for vintage is so silly to me. $30 ain’t as low as one can go, but it’s not bad for a coat.

  • Perhaps this is a product of having spent my first real winter in DC, but I thought EVERYONE had a puffy mid-thigh length black parka, hunter boots, and a retractable umbrella in their brown leather shopper bag. Seriously. Uniform.

    • Amelia Diamond

      girl you gotta STAY. WARM.

    • Sounds like a rather *diplomatic* way to dress!

      sorry, #DCDadJokes.

  • parkzark

    I have to have a puffer, but I’ve grown so used to the cold here that if it hits 30 degrees, I’m like AWWWW YEAH PEACOAT TIME.

  • LP

    moncler all day, every day 🙂

  • Lulu

    I’m a Ned Stark! LOL!

  • i wear a peacoat. but my outfit is what you’d find under a camel coat. also lost my beanie last year and decided to be frugal and wrap my head with my a scarf i stole from my bestie, which should be like 25% body heat huddler, no? i think i misread a memo / never got one. oops.

    • Amelia Diamond

      i need a hat and gloves. i don’t know what’s wrong with me because i complain about it every day.

      • GLOVES. Soon i might have no need of those because my hands will freeze and fall off. My phone addiction will then turn out to be very harmful.

  • Lua Jane

    My favorite coat is vintage, gray Etro one. It’s on a shorter side, and has bit of “model off duty” look. Not that anyone would ever confuse me with a model since I’m 5.7 on a good day. I do however try by pairing that coat with skinny jeans and biker boots on daily basis. 😀 It’s very warm and comfy.

    • Amelia Diamond

      pic!

      • Lua Jane

        I must make a decent looking photo of it then

      • Lua Jane

        Here’s the pic of me wearing it, that also features my dad :D. But I have recently fell for a weird asymetric gray number, that’s been my new favorite. I’m fickle like that.

  • Fat

    Some body please tell me where coat No.13 is from???? I have to have it!

    • Amelia Diamond

      ahh the puffy one…i’m gonna ask leandra

  • Fauzia Saleem

    you liking cool your favorite pink coat .

  • Kate

    I’m half peacoat person, half camel coater, with a three-layer-cake thrown in for good measure.

  • issactu

    I think it is no need to spend almost $200
    to buy a pair of sunglass. Maybe just $24.99 from some online outlet is a
    better chioce~ and you could have more style, more choice==> R a y B a n Sunglass Sales

  • I think I’m the yeti…. or maybe the one that doesn’t check out the weather
    Lots of love, xx

    http://www.marysreturn.com
    http://www.marysreturn.com

  • Mary

    Oh god, I’ve been waiting for this day of coat truth. Last year I purchased a wind-proof, water-proof, snow-proof, everything-proof down jacket, because I was warned that New York winters are terrifying. Every time I put it on I cringe a little (a lot), because I look like an unsexy version of the Michelin man. I literally take it off the moment I get inside because I’m so embarrassed by how practical it is. With that said, every time I walk outside into that unforgiving snow and wind, all vanity dissolves and I kind of wish I’d purchased a pair of Merrell snow boots, too. (Okay, not really.) I can’t believe what this weather does to your sense of style – it’s like, be practical and look terrible, or look good and die!

  • You can tell a lot about a person based on their coat, usually mine says wow that girl must be cold but her coat is cute!

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

  • fashion altitude

    I am a peacoat person!!you nailed it!!!

  • And those who have a bit of everything?

    jeansandmacaroons.blogspot.com

  • Charlotte Fassler

    Ned Stark right here.

  • kline, mara r.

    i am *not* a model off duty but my camel coat makes me *feel* like a model off duty, and also a character on Seinfeld.

  • Larissa

    OMG. I have never before read your articles and this one just caught me. I loooove your writing. It’s funny, but all true. Amazing work!

    xo.

    FROM HATS TO HEELS

    http://www.fromhatstoheels.com

  • fightyoctopus

    Occasional peacoat and I own a Real Winter Jacket but I’m so sick of carting around that nonsense that I wore an open-weave sweater over a t-shirt today and it’s February in Minneapolis. Was it cold af? YEP. did I have to haul a coat around on my errands? NOPE.

    also I straight up hate the cold so this isn’t one of those yarrrrr imma viking things. my old strategy was to bundle up as much as possible (I own all the gear necessary to be the Ski Lift) and my new one is to just pretend it isn’t winter.

  • jm

    Actually rather scary how accurate this is!! My main goal in life is dressing a little bit Seinfeld, and as soon as i saw my camel coat in a vintage sale, i knew it would become my Elaine Benes Coat

  • Great post! Here’s my little contribution! 😉 More in my latest post on http://www.marinaingvarsson.com!

  • Karel Paragh

    A coat is so personal. coats are so important because you wear them everyday… for months. The right coat will make you feel happy, no matter the weather. Regards, Karel Paragh

  • gmr

    I know commenting on an article 2 years old is the equivalent to accidentally liking an old Insta photo while stalking but … Yes and yes to this article! The problem for me is when you live in the worlds slushiest, coldest city where the sidewalks are sheer ice for 3 months out of the year (and minus 40 so bye bye cute footwear) it is so hard to be stylish. I have the dreaded Canada Goose and big old warm waterproof boots but gawd damn it is warm and I dont slip on the ice (and bonus it covers my butt for when I do actually slip). Please do an article on how to be stylish while wrapped up like a mummy. In the winter here you can only identify people by their eyeballs and I start to loathe putting on ugly winter boots.

  • I need shoes

    Okay but the biggest question is: What on earth are New Yorkers wearing for boots? I still haven’t figured this one out yet and it’s been YEARS. I’ve held onto a pair of beaten up Doc Martens with a fleece/faux shearling lining for years but they’re sooo heavy and honestly on their last legs. Helpppp